I had stopped all visits. It was family time. Our little family united in the trauma of our loved one’s dying.
The boys were back at school on the 9th of January. On Monday, the 14th of January, it was Jon-Daniel’s academic awards evening. Vic had so desperately wanted to attend. The Sunday evening she begged me to please promise her that she would attend. I promised her, knowing that it was a death-bed promise I would not be able to honour.
Sunday night, the 13th of January 2013, Vic gently slipped into a semi-coma. She was no longer conscious of what was happening to her and around her. She was only able to respond by blinking her eyes…
Monday morning Vic woke up….She was alert and asked to go to the toilet. She was unable to stand on her own and Primrose and I half-carried her… Her little body dumped it contents. Vic was petrified. She had not eaten since Christmas. I undressed my precious child and held her up in the shower. I washed her hair and her painfully thin little body. I was soaked but Vic was clean.
“Mommy I am dying… I don’t want to die. I am so scared.” Vic cried
“I know my angel. Mommy is here…”
“Mommy, I am so sore. Please can I have something for pain?”
“Angel, do you want the normal dose or the increased dosage that Sue prescribed?”
“The increased dosage Mommy…”
“Sweetie, you know that it will make you sleep…”
“I know Mommy. I cannot bear the pain anymore…”
“Must I keep you on the increased dosage angel?”
“Yes please Mommy….”
I drew up the syringes. It broke my heart trying to find a site to inject. Her little body was so bruised.
“Okay my angel. I am ready when you are” I said
Vic nodded. The tears brimming in her eyes. “I love you Mommy” she said
“I love you too – with all my heart” I said as I injected the medication into my precious child’s body.
Vic looked at me with so much love in her eyes. She knew that the sedation stage had started with the increased medication.
Vic had spoken her final words. Vic knew that the medication would take effect and that her voice was silenced. My precious baby girl was ready to take the hands of her angels that would accompany her on her final journey. She had fought her battle.
“I love you Mommy were the last words Vic ever spoke.
SET YOU FREE
You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn
I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone
we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
There is no fear and your leaving is clear
we’ll still have our love it remains with each tear
I cry as you leave but I truly believe; as you leave my sight we’ll both be all right
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though you have flown to somewhere unknown
we’re never apart ’cause you’re here in my heart
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free http://myjourneysinsight.com/
These words belong to a dear WP friend, Judy Unger.
Vic's Final Journey 
Gentle hugs to you <3 There are no words to make any of this easier on you. Just know that there are strangers out here that are holding you in their heart. <3
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What beautiful final words between a mother and daughter.
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I really appreciate your sharing of this heartbreaking journey because every post is so full of love, Tersia.
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I do not know how you’ve borne all this, I do not. But then, Vic gave you a gift to help – “I love you,” she said, then spoke no more.
What a world, Tersia. And I’m sorry for not responding sooner; I’ve been lost in space these last few. Love and blessings to you, my friend.
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You are such an amazing person. Reaching out to me on your precious Phillip’s birthday. Birthdays are dreadful. Not only Vic’s but also mine and the boys.’ Hope you are feeling better by now. Lots of love my friend.
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such beautiful words from you and judy. how heartbreaking to know you must set her free but wanting just a bit more. sending love, hugs and healing thoughts to you my friend.
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Reblogged this on Vic's Final Journey and commented:
Dear God remembering is so hard! I miss my baby girl so much. Will it ever get easier? Will the pain go away?
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Time does not heal it only dulls the newness of the initial pain. To remember the love is also to remember the pain. You did what only a loving mother would do….to help your child. I pray for you to have peaceful dreams of Vic. ~ Dale, Brandon’s Mom
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Dale I hold onto your words. This year was the worst to date. I have only dreamt of her once. Every night before I go to sleep, I pray that I will dream of Vic. Do you dream of Brandon?
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Tersia, I am sad to hear of your worst year. It is still an early time of grieving for you and Vic’s sons. As for dreaming, I have had dreams of Brandon but not as many as I would like. I think when you least expect it you will have dreams of Vic. It can be a good thing but also leave you wanting more. It is my own belief that we can’t dream as much as we would like because then we would be wanting to sleep all the time. We are designed for more than that. And too, I think it is a protection of sorts not to have some kind of rest from our grieving mind. Sleep brings that rest because we think of our children almost constantly in the early years following loss. As time wears on, it has been my experience, that I am not wholly consumed with the thoughts of my son. I get longer stretches of the world I have to live in now. There are always those times of sudden gut wrenching painful realizations that Brandon is gone from me but many more times that God brings me peace and assurance that “this is not our home.” I pray that you are blessed with dreams of Vic and that God will hold you closely when you must cry. ~ Love, Dale…Brandon’s Mom
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The priest at Philip’s wake said, “They say time heals all wounds. It doesn’t.” Dale’s right – it gets duller, but it doesn’t go. I never lose the sense that something’s missing; I’m still terribly vulnerable, still keep to myself a lot. I never dream about him. I’ve asked him why, and he says I’m not ready. I know what he means is that kind of “visit” from him will just set me off again.
Love and hugs to you, Tersia; wishing you whatever peace you can find.
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I think of you so often, Tersia. There really was no way to tell you how it gets worse before it gets better. The awful numbness and disbelief initially, really is a cushion for the horrible pain that floods our soul. I wish it were getting easier for you, but your life and Vic’s were so deeply intertwined – it is a loss that is incomprehensible. Even for me. Sending love, hugs and a prayer that Vic will send you a sign to comfort you. To this day, I sing my song “Set You Free” and think of you.
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