Secondary Losses


I have lost so much more than just my child. When one loses your child you lose your future. At a wedding we attended last year it suddenly hit me – there will be no mother and son dance… Vic will not be at the boys graduations, engagements , weddings. Who will be my “voice” when I am old and feeble?

Not a day goes by that I do not mourn my beautiful daughter.

Yet, life goes on. People forget. They do not understand the void that is left when a child dies.

When I read this post of Dee it truly resonated with me. I echo her feelings. Her pain. Her loss.

I cannot replace my child. I cannot make my heart ache less. I do smile and carry on the way the world expect me to… If they could see my heart, feel my pain – maybe, just maybe they would understand.

I also lost my expectations of people. At the time of Vic’s passing I expected a lot of the people around me. I expected them to support the boys and I. We ended up pretty isolated and hurt.

But, it was not all bad. I no longer expect anything from anyone. My pain is my own. I was wrong to think that people would share my loss, my pain, my grief.

Dee, I hear you. Loud and clear as only another grieving mother can.

MourningAmyMarie

Yesterday as my family struggled through another “holiday”, I found myself looking beyond the gaping hole which the absence of Amy has left in our lives and started to take in the ripple effect of all of the secondary losses related to losing our loved one.  All it took to trigger these thoughts was a glimpse over a fence into a grandparents backyard where their grandchildren were having an Easter egg hunt while their parents gathered inside.

Then I glanced around from the beautiful sunroom where I was sitting and noticed my three most precious loved ones with a photo of Amy hanging in the background on the wall which was taken one week before her sudden passing.

Identities forever changed and now hold a new meaning: “my girls” as I fondly referred to my “daughters”; sisters become sister and for my surviving* daughter, no sister or future maid-of-honor,  (*Oh…

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6 thoughts on “Secondary Losses

  1. I read and commented on this reblog, Tersia, but really know how clumsily empty anything I say is for you and for anyone who has lost their child. The horror of this kind of grief terrifies me. I love and honour everything you write and bravo you for writing it and feel such gut-wrenching sympathy for you and for other people who have experienced this kind of unthinkable loss. Love you xxx

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    1. No this is where you are wrong! You allow me to “talk”, you send messages, you remember and you care despite all the challenges that you face in your life. That is actually all we (left behind parents) want and need. We know you cannot make the pain go away. But please know my dear friend, that you make life easier. Thank you!!!

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  2. Tersia, I always think of you and remember clearly the horror of Vic’s passing. Two years is probably about the worst time because there isn’t any numbness to cushion this. Just know that I will never forget Vic – she made a difference to this world. Continue to keep her memory alive and I pray it will get easier. Someday, the pain won’t be as raw. Never gone, but transformed from torment into something livable. Sending you a hug.

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    1. Thank you Judy. I do hold onto your words – you are a veteran at this grief thing. My pain and longing however seems to be escalating but it’s only 2 years and 4 months. Thank you for neverending support. Hugs.

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      1. You and Vic inspired one of my favorite songs, “Never Gone Away.” I remember that I cried singing that song knowing what was coming. I even did an out loud dedication to you and Vic at a performance. I’ve never been more affected by seeing impending grief – I hated watching you enter that hell hole. It was horrible and much worse for you! I’m so sorry, Tersia. No one can know – because you were also the ultimate caregiver for so many years. You have my support.

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  3. Dear friend Tersia, a grieving mother who knows my heart. We truly have lost so much. Thank you for thinking my post worthy of sharing. Always remembering Amy and Vic. Wishing you peace as we both hobble along on this lonely road without our girls. X

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