I have lost so much more than just my child. When one loses your child you lose your future. At a wedding we attended last year it suddenly hit me – there will be no mother and son dance… Vic will not be at the boys graduations, engagements , weddings. Who will be my “voice” when I am old and feeble?

Not a day goes by that I do not mourn my beautiful daughter.

Yet, life goes on. People forget. They do not understand the void that is left when a child dies.

When I read this post of Dee it truly resonated with me. I echo her feelings. Her pain. Her loss.

I cannot replace my child. I cannot make my heart ache less. I do smile and carry on the way the world expect me to… If they could see my heart, feel my pain – maybe, just maybe they would understand.

I also lost my expectations of people. At the time of Vic’s passing I expected a lot of the people around me. I expected them to support the boys and I. We ended up pretty isolated and hurt.

But, it was not all bad. I no longer expect anything from anyone. My pain is my own. I was wrong to think that people would share my loss, my pain, my grief.

Dee, I hear you. Loud and clear as only another grieving mother can.

MourningAmyMarie

Yesterday as my family struggled through another “holiday”, I found myself looking beyond the gaping hole which the absence of Amy has left in our lives and started to take in the ripple effect of all of the secondary losses related to losing our loved one.  All it took to trigger these thoughts was a glimpse over a fence into a grandparents backyard where their grandchildren were having an Easter egg hunt while their parents gathered inside.

Then I glanced around from the beautiful sunroom where I was sitting and noticed my three most precious loved ones with a photo of Amy hanging in the background on the wall which was taken one week before her sudden passing.

Identities forever changed and now hold a new meaning: “my girls” as I fondly referred to my “daughters”; sisters become sister and for my surviving* daughter, no sister or future maid-of-honor,  (*Oh…

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