When the soul leaves the body


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auoJV4re3nU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auoJV4re3nU

When a child is born we laugh, cry with joy and celebrate; when a loved one dies we cry with heartbreak and mourn.  We spend a lifetime celebrating life.  Grief too deserves time, attention, honour and embracing.

Grief is painful, yet it gives us a glimpse of Heaven – afterlife… Life after death…

I have seen a quite a few people die.  Mostly very close family… my mom, my mother-in-law, my dad and my precious child.  I have seen strangers die – patients in TB hospitals, AIDS patients in hospital; a young man burning to death after a car accident…

My Mom died when she developed septicaemia from surgery.  She was confused from the raging fever and the infection ravaging her little body.  Mom knew that it would be her last surgery.  She said that she would not survive the operation and was prepared for death.  Mom died with my dad and us kids standing around her bed – taking turns to pray for her.  Like Vic she fought for life until death won the battle.

The day my mom-in-law died I sat next to her bed.  It was just the two of us.  I asked her whether she was scared.  She smiled and shook her head.  I know that she looked forward to death…to the afterlife.  Hours later when this gracious lady just stopped breathing her children and I were standing around her bed.  We were singing her favourite hymn.  Her death was gentle and dignified.

My Dad was not aware of the fact that he was dying… He developed Alzheimer’s pneumonia and gently lapsed into a coma.  My dad just forgot how to breathe.  If he was aware of the fact that he was dying I think he would have been surprised.  He did not “know” he was dying.  I know he would have been grateful that he had been spared that final indignity of Alzheimer’s.  He died the way he lived – with dignity and gentleness…

My precious child died fighting.  She had so much left to do.  She had children to raise.  Vic, like my mom, did not know how to not fight to live another day…

I suppose we all have pre-conceived ideas of how people should handle death emotionally and spiritually.  For years I would ask Vic whether she had asked God for forgiveness and mercy before she went into theatre for more surgery…Later in life I thought how stupid of me.  Vic lived a life, obedient to the greatest commandment – To love God with mind, body and soul….and her neighbour… I knew that Vic had made peace with God.  In death Vic requested Last Communion…  Her spiritual rituals were taken care off.

Vic said her goodbyes.  It was heart-breaking for everyone who loved her.  She needed to hear that we would honour her memory, not forget what she represented in life.  She needed to hear that her sons would remember her as their Mother and not use her as an excuse.  She thanked people over and over for their friendship and love; their caring and loyalty…

Nothing was left unsaid.    I read somewhere “something said or not said, something you wish you had done differently, can stick inside you like a splinter.”

The scenes of death that I have witnessed and lived through were sacred.  I saw souls depart from the bodies of my loved ones… I saw that there is more than life-sustaining organs to a body.  There is a soul…There is no comparison to the appearance of the body after the soul has left the body.

I saw Vic’s father’s soul leave his body five days before he was declared brain-dead.  I was standing next to his hospital bed asking him for forgiveness.  I realised standing there that I was not the only one who suffered from our divorce.  I realised that I too had caused him pain.  I spoke to him about God and Heaven – I prayed for him.  One bloody tear ran down his check.  He continued to breathe on the ventilator, but I felt his soul leave his body.

The willingness to sit at death’s bedside – to embrace the loss experiences in our lives – opens a window into Heaven.  I do not fear death.  I know when my time comes I will embrace death knowing that I will be reunited with my child, my parents, loved ones, friends…the ones I leave behind will eventually follow and join us.   When something leaves it goes somewhere.  It is a displacement of energy.

Now I am between birth and death.  Heaven awaits.

Some of my related posts and other great reads:

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/29/one-bloody-tear/
https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/03/happy-birthday-mommy-3-8-2012/
https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/
http://humansarefree.com/2011/03/russian-scientist-consciousness.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auoJV4re3nU
http://jimmyakin.com/when-the-soul-leaves-the-body
http://www.arachimusa.org/Index.asp?ArticleID=61&CategoryID=359&Page=1

 

Hospice patients live longer


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This post is all about pain and the myths and realities in hospice care

Palliative care usually starts too late.  We see it on a daily basis at Stepping Stone Hospice…  Most patients die within days of becoming patients.  Doctors continue to treat the patients until days before their death.  Referring a patient to Hospice means “conceding defeat”.

If patients were timorously referred to Hospice they would enjoy far greater quality of life than they do without.  It is a total fallacy that Hospice patients die sooner than non-hospice patients.

Research published in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management found that terminally ill patients who received hospice care lived on average 29 days longer than those who did not opt for hospice near the end of life.  Source: National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization

Survival Periods
For the entire sample of all disease cohorts, the mean number of survival days was eight days longer for hospice patients than for non hospice patients (337 vs. 329 days, P ¼ 0.00079).
This difference includes the effects of many factors including demographics and sample sizes of the two cohorts. When we normalized these other factors, the difference in days increases to 29 days, as we show later in the regression.  The survival period was significantly longer for the hospice cohort than for the non hospice cohort for the following diseases: CHF (402 vs. 321 days, P ¼ 0.0540), lung cancer (279 vs. 240 days, P < 0.0001), and pancreatic cancer (210 vs. 189 days, P ¼ 0.0102). The survival period was longer for the hospice cohort than non hospice cohort for colon cancer, and the difference approached but did not reach statistical significance (414 vs. 381 days, P ¼.0792).  http://www.nhpco.org/sites/default/files/public/JPSM/march-2007-article.pdf     

World Health Organization (WHO) definition of Palliative Care   Palliative Care is an approach that improves the quality of life of patients and their families facing problems associated with life-threatening illness, through the prevention and relief of suffering, the early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual.

I reposted this amazing article/post By Terre Mirsch on the myths surrounding Hospice

Unmanaged pain is one of the greatest fears of those facing serious illness and is the reason that many choose hospice care. Uncontrolled pain causes suffering and significantly impacts quality of life and total wellbeing. Pain may also lead to other problems including difficulty sleeping, fatigue, poor appetite, and a compromised immune system. Persistent pain can also lead to social isolation, depression, anger, and anxiety. Spiritually, one may begin to question the meaning of the pain and wonder “Why is God doing this to me?”

The good news is that living with advanced illness does not mean that one has to live with uncontrolled pain. The majority of time, pain can be controlled by relatively simple means using easy to administer medications. But caregivers often worry that they do not have the knowledge and skills, or the confidence to administer the proper medications or treatments prescribed for their loved ones.

Misconceptions about pain and commonly used medications may create barriers to controlling pain effectively. Understanding what pain is, how it can be effectively managed, and alleviating common misconceptions is the first step towards reducing these barriers.

Myth:  “My loved one doesn’t look like he is in pain. That must mean that the pain is not that bad.”

Reality:  In 1984, pain research expert, Margo McCafferty defined pain as “whatever the experiencing person says it is, existing whenever he says it does.” We cannot tell if a person is having pain by looking at them. Only the person having pain knows how it feels so it is important that we ask the person if they are having pain and how it feels and we need to listen to their answer.

MythIt is best to wait until the pain is severe before taking pain medications.”

Reality:  It is best to stay ahead of the pain by taking medications around the clock when treating persistent pain. The longer pain goes untreated, the harder it is to ease. If the prescription says to take the medicine at certain times or at certain time intervals (for example, every four hours), make sure this is done.

Myth:  “People who take strong narcotic pain medication become addicted.”

Reality:  Opioid analgesics (also referred to as narcotics) are highly effective for many types of pain and can be given safely. Addiction is defined by a compulsive craving and use of a drug, which results in physical, psychological, and social harm to the user. Addiction is NOT a problem for people who take opioid medications for persistent uncontrolled pain.

Myth:  “When people with chronic pain are treated with strong pain medications, they will have to take more and more medication as time goes by to get the same pain relief.”

Reality:  Most patients take stable dosages of medication. Increases in medication dosage may result from worsening physical status. Sometimes tolerance develops and more medication is needed. It is important to understand that there is no highest dose for the amount of opioid medication that can be prescribed – there will always be something more that can be given to achieve comfort.

Myth “The side effects of strong pain medications make people too sleepy.”

Reality The goal of pain management is to achieve comfort while maintaining optimal alertness. Side effects of drowsiness will reduce or disappear within a few days. The most common side effect is constipation which can be controlled with a regular routine of medications aimed at keeping bowels regular.

Myth:  “Once you start taking morphine, the end is always near.”

Reality:  Morphine does not initiate the final phase of life or lead directly to death. Morphine provides relief of severe, chronic pain, promotes relaxation and comfort, and can also help to make breathing easier. Morphine does not lead to death. Morphine does not kill.

Good pain management improves quality of life and may even extend life. Palliative care and hospice professionals can provide you and your loved one with expert help that can help to manage the physical and emotional pain of life limiting illness. Caring for a loved one in pain can be difficult but with the right guidance and understanding, both you and your loved one can experience the comfort and support you deserve.

 http://www.careconfidently.com/2012/05/14/all-about-pain-myths-and-realities-in-hospice-care/

I know that Hospice provided my child with life.  I believe that Vic would have died months earlier if she had not been treated by Hospice.  It is a basic human right to die with dignity.  I am grateful that Vic had the privilege of dying with dignity.

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Caregiver Isolation


Alberton-20120625-00559It happened without warning…

In 2002 I was on top of the world.  My career was at an all-time high, financially we were secure and I LOVED my job.  I was able to work long hours and spend time with my friends.  I was on 9 Church Committee’s and very involved with community work in the poor areas.

Then it happened…Vic had her blotched back surgery and our lives changed forever.  I spent 22 days in the waiting room outside the Intensive Care Unit.  My life ground to a halt.

We moved into a downward spiral of hospitals, doctor visits, x-rays, scans, 81 abdominal surgeries, pain, open wounds, hospital bugs, sepsis and wound dressings.  I felt over-whelmed and out of control.  Doctors and nurses prodding and touching my child.  To them she was a commodity.  But, to me, she was my life.

Slowly but surely my life changed…  I became fixated with finding a “solution” to my child’s devastating health problems.  After all, I am a Baby Boomer.  We don’t accept bad situations.  We find solutions.  We sort out problems.  I refused to accept the doctors’ prognosis as I did when she was a little girl.  I was told that Vic would not live to the age of 12 when she was diagnosed as a toddler…  I refused to accept it.  Vic not only outlived the prognosis but lived to complete school, get married and give birth to two beautiful boys.  The ventilators were turned off and Vic continued to breathe, live….

We went from one doctor to the next.  I spend hours every day of my life on the internet looking for solutions and advice; it became a coping mechanism.  I worked longer hours in-between surgeries.  Quite frankly, work became a crutch.  I spent less and less time with my family and friends…I suppose because I felt no-one understood my fear, my despair, my pain…

My fear, despair and pain became my constant companion.  My computer and the internet my trusted friend…

One day, about 7 years ago, Jared asked me “Oumie don’t you love your family?”

“Of course I love my family!  Why are you asking such a question?” I replied

“Because you are never home….”

I had to sit down and reassess my life.  Quite honestly the financial implications of keeping Vic alive and care for her was daunting.  I feared going home because I could not handle Vic’s pain….  I knew in my heart there was no cure.  The mere thought of Vic suffering for endless years were terrifying!  I could not bear to see the fear and helpless desperation in the boys’ eyes.

So contrary to what I have written before, and comments that have been left, I have not been the best mother.   There was a time that I ran away.  I was petrified of the thought that Vic would suffer for another 40 years…be dependent upon me for another 40 years… There were times that I thought to myself “There has to be more to life!”  I felt lost in the in-balance of my life.  No matter where I turned it was work and responsibility!

In 2009 my Dad came to live with us.  He suffered from Alzheimer’s.

Dad and I
Dad and I

Whilst I reached a maturity level where I realized that being a caregiver is a privilege, not a burden, our lives changed.

I started sleeping downstairs many years ago when Vic was so ill.  I was scared I would not hear her if I slept upstairs.  I slowly slipped into a habit of working late on my laptop and then falling asleep on the sofa.  This continued when my Dad lived with us.  I still sleep downstairs on the sofa – waiting for Vic shuffling footsteps down the passage, text messages saying “Can I have something for pain?” or the intercom screeching!  The intercom was the 911 call.

I slowly and inextricably slipped into depression.  My entire life was dominated by my fears for my child.  The caregiving demands steadily increased as the years passed and the situation deteriorated.  It became a dark and difficult period for the entire family.  We could no longer spontaneously decide to go to dinner, go away for a weekend or even a holiday.  Every activity demanded a great deal of planning.  We became more and more isolated as a family.

It is natural for family and friends to drift away when a loved one becomes ill. The longer the illness, the longer they stay away. By it’s very nature, caring giving is draining. It is far easier to stay home and rest than socialize outside the home.  Isolation can lead to loneliness, depression, and illness. It takes energy and effort to maintain friendships when one feels tired and discouraged.

My salvation was cyberspace.  I joined an Alzheimer support group, https://www.caring.com.  Without the support group I would never had coped with my dad’s descend into Alzheimer’s.  A year ago I started blogging on Vic’s final journey.  I have found a cyber-community with parents who also lost children, friends with a word of encouragement, a kind words.   I receive advice, support and information from a loving cyber-community.

I however realize that I need re-join life.  There are days that I just want to stay on my sofa with a blanket pulled over my head.  I fear that if I sleep in a bed I will never get out of it.  In the TV lounge there is always people.  Whether it be the boys, Danie or the housemaids.

Today I had tea with an old friend.  For almost 4 years I have not been able to see her.  She has a young son that I have never seen.  Our friendship was reduced to the odd phone call or text message.  Often she would phone and there would be a crisis with Vic.  I would say “I will phone you back” and never get around to it.  I isolated myself from friends.  I was so miserable and totally absorbed with Vic that no “outsider” could penetrate my “barrier”.

My life centred round my sick child and family.

Despite the trauma of Vic’s death and coming to terms with the horrible loss, my life has changed.  I have had tea with my new Magnolia friends and Christelle.  We go out to dinner on the spur of the moment; we have been on holiday and I spent 4 days at a Spa with my sister!  I have watched Jon-Daniel play hockey matches, started gym and started remodelling the house.  I have seen a psychiatrist and take antidepressants.  We have started Stepping Stone Hospice.

How amazing is this?

If the truth be known it is not amazing at all.  I am dying on the inside.  I cry uncontrollably – mostly when everyone has gone to bed.  If the boys were not living with us it would have been so different.  I KNOW I would still have been in bed.   I am consumed with longing for my child.  Last night I replayed 100’s of voicemail messages that Vic had left me….

“Love you Mommy…”

“Love you Baby Girl”

Together We Walk the Stepping Stones – by Barb Williams


stepping_stones_of_memory_by_nwwes-d3krg59Stepping Stone Hospice is the name of the Hospice that we started as a tribute to Vic’s journey.  It is the only thing that makes sense – why else would my child have suffered so long and hard?

I am busy with the website for Stepping Stone Hospice and accidentally came across this beautiful poem…I share it with you.

If any of you talented bloggers out there have appropriate poetry that we could publish on our website please send it to me.  We will link it back to you.

The Menu will contain a Grieving and Bereavement Folder and I would like a “Poems of Love and Compassion” Section.

Please help.

Together We Walk the Stepping Stones – by Barb Williams

Come, take my hand, the road is long.
We must travel by stepping stones.
No, you’re not alone. I’ve been there.
Don’t fear the darkness. I’ll be with you.

We must take one step at a time.
But remember, we may have to stop awhile.
It’s a long way to the other side
And there are many obstacles.

We have many stones to cross.
Some are bigger than others.
Shock, denial, and anger to start.
Then comes guilt, despair, and loneliness.

It’s a hard road to travel, but it must be done.
It’s the only way to reach the other side.

Come, slip your hand in mind.
What? Oh, yes, it’s strong.
I’ve held so many hands like yours.
Yes, mine was once small and weak like yours.

Once, you see, I had to take someone’s hand
In order to take the first step.
Oops! You’ve stumbled. Go ahead and cry.
Don’t be ashamed. I understand.

Let’s wait here awhile so that you can get your breath.
When you’re stronger, we’ll go on, one step at a time.
There’s no need to hurry.

Say, it’s nice to hear you laugh.
Yes, I agree, the memories you shared are good.
Look, we’re halfway there now.

I can see the other side.
It looks so warm and sunny.
On, have you noticed? We’re nearing the last stone
And you’re standing alone.
And look, your hand, you’ve let go of mine.
We’ve reached the other side.

But wait, look back, someone is standing there.
They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones.
I’d better go. They need my help.
What? Are you sure?
Why, yes, go ahead. I’ll wait.

You know the way.
You’ve been there.
Yes, I agree. It’s your turn, my friend . . .
To help someone else cross the stepping stones.