Last night was another bad night. 

Yesterday was the Pain Clinic.  When I gave Vic her 03:00 meds I dressed her in a tracksuit.  I would go ahead and get into the queue and Danie would bring Vic through just in time for her consultation.  I arrived at the Helen Joseph at 7:20 and was 3rd in the queue.  I calculated that if Prof Froehlich was in by 09:00, two patients ahead of us… Vic would have to be there at 10:00 to ensure the minimum wait.  Well, no Prof Froehlich and the two resident doctors started consulting just after 08:00!! I phoned Danie and told him to leave home immediately.  Murphy’s Law they got stuck in the traffic. I had to let two people in ahead of Vic as she only arrived at 09:45… 

Then three hours in the queue at the pharmacy just to be told no morphine syrup again!!!  Without morphine syrup for breakthrough pain Vic’s “life” is sheer, absolute undiluted hell!  Now I have to beg and plead for morphine syrup with GP’s…More doctors’ appointments to drag Vic’s sick little body too…  Now if Hospice would only come in life as we know it will be so much easier!  But Vic doesn’t have AIDS or cancer and no-one can guarantee that she has a maximum of 6 months left…so – no Hospice!!!

At about 01:00 this morning Vic came into my room and got into bed with me.  Her tummy was cramping badly and she was scared.  She just lay with me for a long time, sobbing and talking about her fears.

E.H.Chapin said:  Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seamed with scars… 

Sobbing her little heart out she expressed her fear of how Danie and I will cope with her death… She asked me to remind Jon-Daniel of how he made her laugh when he is sad, Jared how much he helped her… She tells me I will have to be stricter with the boys after she is gone… She asks me to deliver her eulogy at her funeral…

Oh dear Lord, when will this nightmare end?