Naked to the world… 3.6.2012

Writing a blog is scary.  I am very aware of the fact that I am baring my soul to the world.  It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.  Naked to the world…

Over the years I have written many unpublished “blogs” – it is a coping mechanism.  After my mom’s passing I wrote her letters.  In these letters I lamented our lot, wrote about my childhood memories, my happiness, fears and frustrations.  When my dad moved in with us I started researching Alzheimer’s and discovered the therapeutic value of a Caregiving Forum.  I started reading blogs of other AD caregivers’ journeys with their loved ones.  I have made many online friends with other caregivers that are in the same situation as we were in.  My dad passed away a year ago and I still subscribe to the blogs and forums.   I feel “connected” to my Dad through this.

So when you read my blog, please know that I am not looking for sympathy.  I am selfishly coping with my pain and fears.  I hope somewhere the blog will of some value to someone who may be in the same situation as we are.  I am not blogging to move anyone to tears – I am blogging through my tears.  You see, when we are around someone who is terminally ill, we cope through a conspiracy of silence.  We talk about mundane things, we smile and even laugh but it is superficial.  We do not share our deepest feelings, our tears and sorrow.

Vic often says she worries how I will cope with her passing.  How ironical is that??  But I know it is because I won’t cry now.