dead woman walking


Last night I had a discussion with someone who Vic loves very dearly.  This friend of Vic has spent endless hours, days, weeks and months in hospital with Vic.  She is actually the only person that has truly travelled this horrific journey with us.  Vic has lived through many death sentences and reprieves.  Lee has been around for at least the past 7 years of Vic’s journey.  Vic has nursed Vic back to health many times and I know she cares deeply for Vic, her friend.

I discussed the various treatment options with her.  Do I insist on having a stent fitted or do I request feeding tubes?  Or do I go with Vic’s non-intervention wish?  But if I comply how do I bring calmness and peace in Vic’s life?  Vic is no exception to the rule…As Bella pointed out last night even Jesus of NAZARETH feared death….Fearing death is as natural as breathing is to us.

Last night I decided no sedation.  If I allow sedation, which is against her wishes, I will silence Vic’s voice, her fears and her tears.

Dr Sue says the bleeding is from the abdomen.  Her Oesophagus, throat and mouth are covered in a mass of sores from all the vomiting.  Her breathing is shallow and her heart rate weak but very rapid.  Her blood pressure is dropping and her circulation is poor.  The liver is very enlarged.

We are past the point of no return.  Vicky is dying and only a miracle can save her.  There is no operation, no magic medication, and no nothing that can save her.

Today I again witnessed her anguish and phenomenal will to live.  I saw Vic, in my mind’s eye, Vic being escorted, in deadly silence down a long dark passage.  Her family and friends were escorting her on her final walk into the chamber of death.  I clearly saw the fear in her eyes and I could feel her little body trembling with fear.  I heard a voice saying “Dead woman walking…”

I saw her walk into an execution room, being strapped down and the needle being inserted into her little arm.  I was the head warden and my eyes were flitting between the clock and a telephone…Would there be another reprieve??

It is so cruel.  For all of us.  Why do people linger?  Why don’t we all just go to sleep and never wake up?  Or die in a car accident?  Why this suffering???  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Life sucks!

Vic is on a mild sedation.  She is more calm and peaceful than she has been for a couple of weeks.  She woke up this evening and had dinner…half a hamburger!!  My little take-away queen!! She only vomited at 11.30 pm so she managed to actually keep down the food.  She has passed no urine today.

She sobbed when I told her the boys had covered their school books…”I want to do it for them!”  She wailed

“I have let down my boys.  I always cover their books…”

“Oh Jared, look!  Oupa Tienie is standing behind you…”  It really spooked the boys.  Tienie died on the 5th of November 1999…

I wish Vic was married.  I wish her biological father was still alive!  I wish the decision was not mine!!!

Tomorrow I will ask that the sedation be increased.  I will silence my child’s sweet voice.  I will also silence her tears and fears.

“Dead woman walking…”

 

23 thoughts on “dead woman walking

  1. This is dreadful for you. Whatever decisions you make will be the best you know at the time and we can’t do any more. It might be of minimal help if I say how people who have had near death experiences report a dark tunnel before coming out into the light, at which point, they don’t want to return. Nurses who’ve nursed the terminally ill comment that the dying person’s ‘dead’ relatives come for them to escort them over, though they often seem to come early, maybe to reassure?

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    1. There is no right or wrong here. Only fumbling in a dark tunnel with love to guide you. Please extend the love you have for Vic to yourself. You have been an amazing mother. You will continue to be there for your grandsons. Vic loves you and as she dies she might say or do things that are painful for you. It is all part of the process. There is no guidebook. Follow your heart as you have been doing and please do not consider yourself the executioner because you are dying alongside her. You are a lovely angel and she is your angel forever, too.

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  2. You are doing the best you can. You can do no more. Look to Jesus, He knows the pain and fear of death just as you said above. He understands. May God wrap His arms around you all and hold you. You are very dear to Him.

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  3. Wow… You are so strong even in the face of death. This sucks, and there is no words that I can say that will make you feel better. Cancer is the worst, and the suffering is uncalled for. I am praying for you. I think you are amazing, and that Vic is so lucky to have you taking care of her. My heart goes out to you, all of you.

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  4. Wish there is something we could do to reduce the pain, suffering and emotional drain you, Vic and the family endure daily. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. You are the bravest person I know. Luv u Ters & missing you so much!

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