“It is close”…


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Tuesday 22.1.2013 – Tonight is the first night in a long time that I lay on my sofa, in my own TV lounge, watching Law & Order.  I kept listening for the sound of Vic’s little feet shuffling down the passage…It is the first time since Vic’s death that I truly experienced the “emptiness” of the house.

The house has been so busy.  In the days preceding Vic’s death the boys went to stay with friends and family.  Vic’s suffering was too horrible for them to witness.  I did not want them to remember life ebbing out of her.  On the 15th my brother arrived from the coast and my sister from a neighbouring city.  I was in such a dazed stupor that I don’t remember them arriving.  I fell asleep next to Vic with my head next to hers, and my hand on her heart whilst the minister was saying a prayer….

On Wednesday the 16th Leeann started staying with me.  Danie, my brother, Lee-Ann and I took turns on Thursday night staying awake with Vic.  The time still passed in an absolute maze of unreality.  I knew on the 16th that Vic would die by the weekend.

Vic was still able to communicate with her eyes. She blinked when I asked her a question and her answer were “yes”.

Thursday Dr Sue came to see Vic.

“It is close” Sue said.

Murky red urine dripped into the catheter bag….  Vic’s eyes no longer closed completely… Her eyes had “broken”… she was gasping for breath.

“We must increase the Buscopan” Sue said.

“I think I have heard a rattling sound once or twice” I said

“Yes” Sue said.  “I can hear it clearly through the stethoscope”

Sue increased the pain medication as well as the sedation.

We decided to let the boys come and say their goodbyes…  Someone, I am not sure who, went and fetched the boys from school.  The boys walked into their Mom’s room.  Their eyes wide and sad.  They lay with her and whispered soft words into her ears.  They softly kissed her and walked away.  It must of been the hardest thing they had ever done.

I send Danie out to go find me a new blood pressure measure that fits around the wrist and would not hurt her little arms every time I took her blood pressure.  (Sue had one…)  I became almost obsessive in trying to ascertain where she was in her journey.  Vic was very unstable – within minutes her blood pressure went from 150/123 to LO (too low to measure) on the machine.  Her pulse was racing at 160 beats a minute.

I lay next to her with my hand on her heart.  Her little heart was pounding against the palm of my hand.  Vic was fighting with every fibre in her body to stay alive.  I looked at my child and thought “If I have her admitted to the Donald Gordon ICU they may be able to save her…” but then I realized that it was futile.  Vic was slipping away and nobody could do anything in the world to change that. Vic was dying and I was helpless.  I could not save my child.

26 thoughts on ““It is close”…

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I am also so glad you honoured Vic and that you were by her side. Being there is everything. She wasn’t alone. A mother’s love is so beautiful. I’m glad the boys said their goodbyes too. You did well Tersia – you are an awesome mother. May God bless you and give you comfort through beautiful memories and your beautiful grandsons.

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  2. You could not save her, but God saved her from more pain and suffering. You loved her from her birth and to her last breath and to beyond. You will never stop loving her and she will never stop loving you. Her boys have so many good memories and you will be able to keep them alive so that they will also keep on loving her forever. Thank you for your sacrifice and for sharing it all with us, we are learning from you. Big hug for your support today.

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  3. Dear Tersia, reading this beautiful piece this morning brought tears to my eyes. The Lord knows all the answers and I wish I could make your pain and sorrow go away – yet please know that you are always in our prayers !!! Thank you for loving my little friend so much ! xxx

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  4. acceptance is often referred to as the last stage. it is one thing to read it in a book, nothing can prepare us for the reality of it. if only i could reach your hand and hold it….

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss; you did everything you could and in accordance with her wishes; while these harrowing last memories must haunt you, I can see from your inclusion of that lovely photo that you have so many more happier memories of Vic’s achievement. Imagine being able to have and bring up two such delightful boys, in such bad health as she was!

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  6. You have made so many wise and compassionate decisions for Vic – the most a mother could have done. You are an amazing mother. Thank you for letting us in your hearts to share your pain
    xoxo

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