I miss being Mommy


My beautiful Vic
My beautiful Vic

I so desperately need to articulate my pain and yet I cannot.  Words are inadequate and empty.  There are not enough adjectives in the english language to describe my indescribable pain and longing for my precious child.  Yet, my cyberfriend Judy has articulated my emotions pretty accurately.  So in the absence of my own words I am posting Judy’s email to me.

Thank you Judy.  Your words do help.  What a horrible area to be experienced in – the world of grief….  

Judy is right.  I just want my child to be with me.  I miss her more than I ever imagined I would.  The void is like a never-ending well of despair.  I miss being a grandmother and I miss being a Mommy….I am only a back-up mother now.  An empty vessel.

Thank you all for your love and support.

Tersia,

I am not telling you that I know how you feel. I cannot know. Grief was so isolating and lonely that even when I had people caring about me, I remember my mind screaming that I would give anything to have my child back! It was such a horror. I could not concentrate upon anything. I could not read a single paragraph and know what I had just read. I could not sleep. I did not want to be alive anymore.
 
You are so supported – I see message after message flying across cyberspace to hug you. I see a lot of messages telling you to stay strong. I think what is typical for being a caregiver is the constant suppression of emotion. You were Vic’s caregiver for decades. You learned how it was important for you to be strong.  I see how concerned you are about staying strong for everyone around you. I remember when I decided I wasn’t able to be strong anymore.
 
So staying strong might pose a conflict for you. At some point, all of your emotions might start to surface. It is terrifying. I was tired of hearing how my child’s suffering was over. Inside I screamed, “Why did my child ever have to suffer!!?” That was the beginning of my feeling very angry. Anger was a difficult place to be in, but it is a stage of grief. Men and woman grieve very differently, too. Navigating that was more than I could handle, so I retreated to be with other grieving mothers. 
 
I’m wondering if my words are helpful. I guess I just want you to know that you are on a road that you will survive. You know that. Life will never be the same. You know that. Some people cannot enter the doorway of grief. They succumb to it. You have entered the doorway and are plunging ahead into the darkness. It hurts so much!
 
Love, Judy

 

13 thoughts on “I miss being Mommy

  1. As, I sit and read your post, tears roll down my cheek and I just wish there was something I or anyone could say to help ease your pain! I cannot say I know how you feel as no one can possibly know your pain but you. I am 14 month 2 weeks in to this grieving process and I still have know clue how to see light past the darkness. I know that with the loss of my baby girl, support has been the only thing that has kept me going. I don’t know if this too will be your saving grace, but I offer support of letting you know that those who have been watching from a far for yours and Vics journey are sticking around with cyber hugs for you now. I have regurgitated throughout my blogs how I have gained the knowledge that the road to finding a new normal has no rules to how each individual grieves! Moment by moment, day to day, my hopes are that you keep fighting to find your new normal and that your cyber world of friends are here for you…..Hugs <3 Miss Morgans Mom

    Like

    1. I am writing to Morgan’s mom and sending her a big hug. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl and for the agonizing 14 months and two weeks that you’ve already been tortured with. I consider my dead son to be a “lovely light, just not in sight.” So it is with grief. You cannot see the light past the darkness. It’s not in sight, but just like the objects we bump while in the darkness – that light is there. You are a beautiful light for Tersia and carry Mogan’s love with you. All that support and sharing is keeping you going and you are also helping others. I pray you have moments of relief from the unrelenting pain of losing your beloved baby girl.

      Like

  2. The mere thought of losing a child is too unbearable and all I can possibly think to say is that I know that God will comfort and hold you in his caring arms.

    Like

  3. MissMorgan’sMum:: I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, I have only had experience of miscarriage and the premature death of a parent, and that was bad enough. It is wonderful that you can think of others.
    Tersia: The same; but being a substitute mother is not ‘only’. It is vitally important, it is what will help you all to get through, I am sure.

    Like

  4. Judy, Thank you for the kind words……I have watched Tersia with the long journey for Vic, and cannot imagine how she feels now, other than from her writings that her pain and feeling of being lost..must be so grueling. I think that people who are grieving need to gravitate to those who have experienced similar loss. I have found that it at the very least has helped me to understand that what I go thru on a daily basis is normal. I am so sorry for the loss of your son and simply love how you stated that he is a Lovely Light, that is just not insight. what a beautiful thought…. Hugs and strength to you as well.

    Lucinda, Thank you for your thoughts no mother should have to lose a child it is just unnatural. your loss for your child and parents is still your pain that no one will ever understand….The support you are giving Tersia is paramount of the type of person you are, grieving yourself and still giving. I must say that for Judy as well. After my parents were killed by a drunk driver I thought I could never feel more pain than that, sadly I was wrong because when my Beautiful Morgan was killed by a drunk driver it has literally done me in….Fighting to stay in the game is a moment by moment fight.

    Tersia, stay in that fight, you are an amazing mom and your grandchildren will need that from you on your worse days and moments remember that you are the closest person they have to their mother and that is something they will hold on to in their heart…You are a gift Tersia, and all I know from my journed is find whatever gives you one moment of peace and hang on to it for all its worth…we are in your corner on this journey….moment by moment, day by day! <3 Miss Morgan's Mom

    Like

  5. I found this on line and thought I would share……

    Dear Clueless

    I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
    When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter.
    If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk and say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear her name anytime. You not saying her name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to him. So by all means say her name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.
    This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.
    Love, Your Friend in Grief

    Like

  6. this may seem a bit biased but i am going to say it anyway. please see a therapist. judy is so right in saying “stay strong” is often the advice given when now is the time for you to stop holding it all in. a therapist could help you do that in an environment safe for that. you could do what you need to and put on a strong face outside of that space. whatever you do please do what is good for you and let others be a support to you now. wish i were there to give you a big warm hug.

    Like

  7. As a mom who has lost a healthy teen suddenly and uselessly , I completely understand. People can be so cruel, they don’t know what to do, often, they just back off , so you miss them as well. My heart died that day. i lost my health, my relationships with my family changed, my faith disappeared. We just have to find a way to make it through the next moment, then hour, then day. They are never the same, never as good, never as rich or fulfilling. I enjoy the moments, savor them, but I miss my son more than I can ever express. Only my younger son has given me the stregth to go on and its been 6 1/2 years. My thoughts are with each of you who has been forced to join “this awful club no one wants to be a part of.”. No one will understand, even those who have been there because each loss is different. How you handle it is personal, don’t let cruel comments, religious nativity, etc get you down. Do what you need to do for you and know you are not alone. Lovingly to all moms who have lost a child. beebeesworld

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s