It has been a day filled with back to back meetings. I coped well (I think) and managed to focus. It was strange not checking my phone every couple of minutes to see whether Vic is okay or not.
I sent the boys’ text messages early evening as the meetings continued into the night.
Me to Jared: “Hi baby – you okay?”
Jared: “Hey Oumie. I’m okay thanks and you?”
Me: “Missing you”
Jared: “Missing you too Oumie. This house feels empty”
Me: “Will phone later just in a meeting”
Jared: “Owkay Oumie”
Me: “Sleep tight angel! Pse wake me so I can see you tomorrow”
Jared “Owkay mommy I will!!! Love you!!! Missing you too Oumie”
Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out…. I could not look up. I was petrified that that my colleagues would see the tears that formed in my eyes.
These poor boys! They are stoic in their grief. They carry on bravely at school and with all their extramural activities. They are so young to have gone through so much pain and loss. They lost their childhoods to Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error; they have watched their mother suffer horrific pain, lose her dignity…Yet they witnessed their incredibly beautiful mother fight every second of her life to stay alive… She showered them with love and taught them independence. She was strict and her favourite words to them was “I am your Mother not your excuse”
The boys are brave like their warrior mother! A credit to her!
I wish I could wipe the pain from their hearts and memories. There is however no Ketamine Infusion for emotional pain, only for physical pain. I wish I could protect them for pain and loss but I cannot. I must continue with the phenomenal work their mother started in their upbringing. I must help them to continue growing and individuals on this path Vic put them on…
I miss my child more than I ever thought I would. I honestly thought, because of the extended “Anticipatory Grief” period, that we went through, the grief would be less after Vic’s death. That anticipatory grief is however NOTHING compared to the pain we are experiencing 17 days after Vic’s death. I don’t know whether I will ever get used to this void in my heart.
Will I ever be able to breathe without pain again? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever laugh spontaneously with joy again?
I actually just don’t want to live with this pain…..