Vic’s own journal 24.3.2003

A glimpse into Vic’s life and soul…a journal entry she made on the 24th of March 2003

“And so it begins.  Tomorrow is the first surgery of this year.  My poor children. My family.  This is so difficult.  I am panic-stricken, but not about the surgery. I promised Jared we would have a nice school holiday. It’s his first holiday and he was so excited about staying home with his mommy.  I’m his mommy….  Do you know that?  It doesn’t always feel like it. Do you understand? Do you know what I mean?  I’m sure you know what I mean. It doesn’t always feel real. I carried them.  I gave birth to them but there are days when they don’t even feel like my children.  What if I die tomorrow?  Are they going to remember me? What have I really meant in their lives?  Everyone is so amazing about my bone disease that I sometimes feel smothered by their love.  Does that make sense? Does that make me ungrateful?  I feel so guilty. People have been unbelievable.  I never knew that there were so many special people in this world.  I have been carried on the wings of their prayers.

My poor children.  I already miss them.  I know this sounds jumbled but that is how I’m feeling.  I feel like there is a hole in my stomach. I never slept last night. Again.  I always think that Col and I will be closer or at least loving the day before my ops because everyone else is.  But it never is that way. People are so amazing. Everyone phoning and wishing us well and saying prays for us, but then I don’t get to spend any time with the children or Colin. We land up shouting at the kids, because they keep trying to get our attention.  We try to eat and the phone rings. We try to bath and the phone rings. Colin asked me to send off some documents, to the auditors and I promised I would do it this morning and by the time he got home I still had not done it, which already irritated Col.  So I sent them off while Col and the boys ate dinner and my food stood getting cold.  What if I die tomorrow?  I wouldn’t even have enjoyed my last dinner with my family.

Mom does placements in East Africa and I help out by making the phone calls and making appointments for the interviews. (I get paid for it, very well at that). And I really enjoy doing it.  It is something that I know I am good at.  I am an organiser by nature.  I become obsessive with the details and the smaller details to make it go smoothly.  The only thing is that mom only found out last night that we needed to do 6 placements and the guys from East Africa are coming on Monday and mom still needs to do the filtering process before they arrive.  Today is Wednesday.  Tomorrow is hospital. Mom starts interviewing Friday. She is interviewing on Saturday as well. Mom always says if you want something done give it to a busy person.  But today, I feel swamped.  I like things in little neat packages. Not disorganised.  I specially kept Jon-Daniel home because of me going to hospital and I did not get to even have a game of fingerboard with the children. I only found out on Tuesday that I was being operated on Thursday.  I haven’t packed yet.  Col and I are bickering, because I’m not getting to him and today he had a very important meeting with his boss.  And we couldn’t get around to talk about it.  It was about his package.  We are really battling financially.  But that’s another story.  (I know you know what I’m talking about.  We all go through it at some point in our lives.)  I was so proud of Colin.  To approach his boss for an increase was extremely difficult for him.  It has taken him 4 months to do it. Colin is very proud. I think most men are, but Colin comes across as very blasé, which he really isn’t. 

I become tearful when I think of going back to hospital.  It is so difficult for me and people don’t understand that I’ve built up such a resistance to hospital.  What really hurts is that I spend so much time in hospital that people don’t come and see me especially if I’m only in for a few days.  Life just keeps going on. Nothing changes. It was the same after my father died 3 years ago.  I so wished life would stand still and mourn with me.”