27 November 2003


On the 17th of May 2012 I posted this.  It was my first blog post ever.  I was however something I had written ion the 27th of November 2003

How could I ever think that I want my child back?  It is over.  Vic is at peace and pain free.  The pain has transferred to me…

 My dearest child

My heart breaks when I look at you.  Your eyes reflect your fear, acceptance of the inevitable, rebellion and pain.  The morphine dulls your dark eyes…

It is so difficult seeing you in so much pain…the times when you are bent double from pain.  My heart breaks when I see how you are still trying to care for your family.  If only the boys knew how many tears it takes to make a sandwich…Many a time when you are sobbing from pain I see the boys pretending to sleep – as if shutting their eyes can block out your sobs…  I see the helplessness in Colin’s eyes when he looks at you.   It is soul destroying!!!

It is at times like this that I cry out “How much longer God?  When will her suffering end?”  But then I look at the Christmas tree and the Christmas lights and beg “Just one more Christmas please God!”

With the obstruction I fear that you will not make it.  The morphine aggravates the situation!  When will you develop another fistula?  It is only a matter of time.  How time do we have left?

I wish I could just hold you and protect you against the pain and death.  If it was a bullet I would take it for you but how do I protect you against your own body?  How can your body betray you like this?

In my mind’s eye I see you lying on a bed, strapped in,poison flowing through your veins… You are dying

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7 thoughts on “27 November 2003

  1. Jy is menslik, en dit is baie normaal om van die slegte tye te vergeet en net die goeie goed te onthou. Jy moet nou vasklou aan die wete dat jy alles gedoen het wat menslik moontlik was om haar lewe leefbaar te probeer maak, jy het haar al die liefde in die lewe gegee. Gee jouself kans om weer gelukkig te wees en vir haar seuns ‘n kans om weer in die lig te kan lewe en uit te kom van ‘onder die dood-skaduwee’. Alle geluk aan julle almal toegewens en ‘n groot drukkie vir jou besonderse self.

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