Hero to Zero – one year ago….


 A year ago I posted this… I remember Vic’s screams of pain, the agony on her precious face, the raw fear in her eyes.

Vic basking in the winter sun!

Sunday was an amazing day.  Lorraine, my sister, came to visit and it was great having adult company that discussed more than pain control, bowel movements and vomiting.

Lorraine moved a chair into the sun for Vic.  Vic sat basking in the winter sun sipping lots of coffee.  In true form, Vic on her occasional good day, pulled the dam from under the duck.  She was like a little jack-in-the-box.  Needless to say, I was a spoil sport as I kept begging her to slow down…She did at 15:00 when she literally crashed.

Vic sobbed from pain and my poor sister wasreduced to tears.  She is not used to facing the raw pain of a terminally ill patient who breaks through her pain threshold!

Vic dozed on and off  but kept waking from the pain.  Maybe she took some extra painmeds because she seemed disoriented?  Both Danie and Lorraine expressed their concerns that she seemed to have totally lost track of time and events…

Sunday afternoon the boys came home after spending the weekend with their Dad.  Danie took Jared and Kirsten, (Jared’s girlfriend), to church.  Vic kept trying to get out of bed.  She is so darn stubborn.  She hardly ate any dinner so I gave her anti-nausea tablets and only half her normal pain medication.  She kept getting out of bed.  She would just not stay in bed.

I got so angry with her that I said I would fetch Jared from church.  I needed to remove myself from the situation.  Lorraine said “let me stay with Vic” and I said “No!  Come with me”

Minutes after dropping Kirsten off at home I had a phone call from Danie telling me that Vic had a bad fall…

At home she was lying in a crumpled little heap full of blood and screaming from pain.  Jon-Daniel, bless his heart, was lying next to her on the bed trying to comfort her.  Vic went hysterical when I said I was phoning an ambulance.

“No Mommy, No!!! No ambulance!  No ambulance”

We agreed that we would try to get her to hospital in my car.  Jared half carried her out to the car and then the drama began.  We could not swing her legs into the car!  She was screaming with agony.

I phoned the ambulance service but when they arrived it was obvious that they could not lift her onto the spine board and/or bed.  Eventually we repositioned Vic in the car.  Jared sat behind her and cradled her in his arms.  The ambulance escorted us to the hospital.

At the hospital it took at least 15 minutes before the Trauma and Medics staff decided how to move her into the Trauma Dept.  Vic screamed and screamed with pain!  From 21.30 to 03:00 they x-rayed and scanned Vic.  Most of the x-rays were done in the Trauma section.  Vic’s pupils were very dilated and she was VERY confused so they also ran a CT Scan.

Vic in ER

If I was ever given the opportunity to erase 30 minutes from my life it would be the 30 minutes that it took to move Vic from the ER bed onto the scanning table and back, straightening her legs and forcing her to lie on her back…she screamed and cried “Mommy help me, Mommy!!!  Mommy!!  Mommy help me!!!”

The diagnosis – “impacted fracture of proximal metaphysis of right humerus”.  Vic was admitted to the orthopedic ward and scheduled for surgery today.  The orthopod decided that she is too frail and the risk of the sepsis spreading from the spine and abdomen to the arm,  too great, for him to “pin” the arm.  So Vic’s arm is in a sling and will mend, albeit crooked, eventually on it’s own.  She also has a displaced fracture of the fibula, posterior malleolus, (I believe these are all ankle fractures and Lanie, a physiotherapist says if she had to choose a fracture it would be these fractures), an avusion fracture of the calcaneus and several vertebrae …The spine…well what is to do?  Pain control, bed rest…  Oh, did I mention that the staff had mobilized Vic and she had WALKED on her broken ankle because no-one read the X-ray reports???  I only picked it up when I read the reports this afternoon!!!!  I had to report it to the nursing staff!

I would like to point out that this is in a Private Hospital….can you imagine what happens in Government Hospitals?

I am so angry with myself.  This happened because I got angry with Vic.  I should have stayed with her and not reneged my Caregiving duty.  I should have had been there to bulldoze my stubborn child into remaining in bed.  My temper has caused Vic endless, unbearable pain.  Who knows how long it will take her to recover from this trauma…if she indeed ever recovers from this!  I will never forgive myself for this!

Well with the bad comes the good as well.  We have dreaded Jared’s surgery on Wednesday as we know Vic would have insisted on trying to sit at hospital all day.  Actually, the whole week!  Problem solved.  She is too sore to move… And will more than likely still be in hospital on Wednesday.

The nurses just changed her bed linen and she screamed with pain!  How are we going to take care of Vic at home?  My sister offered to come through but two  qualified nursing staff could not move her without causing major distress.  She also cannot walk and needs to be “bed-cared” for. …bed baths etc, etc, etc

For the first time, ever, I am at a loss.  I am so tired.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

Alberton-20120706-00661

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8 thoughts on “Hero to Zero – one year ago….

  1. You have endured so much. God bless you and I am so relieved for you that Vic is no longer in pain – but I know her absence is painful for you. Love and best wishes.

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    1. Just remembering her dreadful pain a year ago makes me grateful that her suffering is over. She was so dreadfully ill. I weep when I look at the photos – I only publish the good ones.

      Thank you for caring.

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  2. Sometimes, mothers make mistakes. But the child will not want their mother to wallow in sadness. When my mum wallow in depression because of her mistakes to cause my chronic headache, this saddens me and I don’t blame her :-(

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    1. Mothers do know that their children to not want them to wallow in sadness. That is the truth and a kind reminder. Unfortunately, when a child dies – the mother actually loses a piece of her soul and it hurts more than words can express. It can heal, but it is very important to express the pain in order to heal. That is what Tersia is doing. I also lost a child, so that is why I understand. Except for her blog – in the outside world she is probably reluctant to share her true anguish because most people react as if she is “wallowing in sadness.” Losing a child is too sad to contain!

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