I just can’t do it…


Today is a bad day. This past week has been a horrific week. I have missed Vic and her unconditional love so much this week.  Not only her unconditional love of and for me and her boys  but also the love that she radiated into the world…

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I have looked through photos of Vic and going through her Facebook page, and I know I cannot do what she did.

I cannot bring the joy in her boys’ lives that she did. Vic was a fun person, and if she had one spare breath of oxygen in her little body she would organize a party. I looked at Vic’s photos, and I saw the fun she had with her boys.

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Vic would space bank energy and willpower to watch Jon-Daniel play tennis or cricket…  That took serious commitment!

I know I am their safe haven.  I can just never be what Vic was in their lives.

I miss laughing.  I miss being happy.

10 thoughts on “I just can’t do it…

  1. I just read your last post that was a grief primer. You’re setting high standards for yourself, Tersia. That grief primer was spot on. I went on to transform my life as a result of my grief. But it took a long time. Your soul has been amputated and there are no words to describe that pain! It is horrific and unbearable. Of course you can’t do it! It would be easier to be dead – that pain I remember so well. But your high standards are evident with your last words of, “I miss being happy.” That is quite different from the statement, “I know I’ll never be happy again.” Many times, I hear from people in grief that they will be tormented for the rest of their life. Your memories of happiness will sustain you. Do not fight this amputation. That missing piece of your soul is gone forever. Acceptance doesn’t come easily and only you will carry that huge scar, which no one can see. Let go. Do not fight the ocean of tears that is carrying you through the horror. You will float with the current to somewhere else. You will survive and you will be happy again – trust me.

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  2. Oh Tersia, but you are doing it. I’ve just read an amazing post by you. This is clearly just a bad day.

    I don’t know how you do it – I’ve told you that. I deeply admire you, Tersia.

    These photos… just beautiful.

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