New emotions are raw and intense. Think back to when you fell in love for the first time – the butterflies, the beauty in everything….. Colours were more vibrant and life soared through your veins. In a new love we are more forgiving, nicer, gentler… One’s whole life revolves around the other person.
As time marches on, the balance is restored. We settle down to realising that nothing and nobody is perfect and/or everlasting. Sadly life forces the big picture back into our lives, our minds, our vision….
It is the same with grief.
Time heals as the seasons change. Reason does not heal.
When Vic died my entire existence was filled with pain, tears and longing. There was guilt and self-recrimination. It used to echo through my mind “what could I have done different?” Madness lurked in my mind.
Four hundred and seventy-four days later I still grieve. I still cry. I still feel as if I am losing my mind at times…
The intensity that I experienced immediately after Vic’s death has started diminishing and become softer, gentler… I often sit with a gentle smile on my face remembering Vic as a cute baby, a funny toddler, a difficult teenager and a precious friend, daughter and mother of my grandchildren. I page through old photos and sometimes I laugh out loud at the memories.
Life has started re-emerging. My grief is not less – I have just become used to it. My grief has settled into my heart as snugly as old slippers settle around tired feet. I have grown accustomed to the void in my life.
Heartache has become a part of my life. I feel the sadness in my eyes and smile. Yet I have learnt to laugh again.
Life has gone on… The seasons are changing – again…..
10 thoughts on “Time heals as the season changes”
I thought of you this week – Jason’s birthday is approaching and I sang my song “Every Season.” Jason would have been 27 years old! He is frozen in time at the age of 5. The words you wrote are true. I am so relieved to hear you have some gentler moments in your grief. It has not been very long since Vic died at all. It is a horror and you have been graceful with your grief. I’m glad you can write your feelings – it took me a long time to do that. Thinking of you always, Tersia.
I haven’t written in a while. At a certain level it has been harder than before. A dear friend of mine maintains that I have buried my grief. I listened to your Every Season track again – it is hauntingly beautiful. Much love and gentle thoughts at this time of remembering again my friend. I hope it is a gentle birthday filled with beautiful memories only.
Hugs Tersia xo
Tersia, I haven’t been here in awhile and thought it was high time to drop in and say hi. Love this post, it’s so well written and love the photos too. <3
I have not written for a while. Thank you for popping in and your gracious comments Diana. You are such an “up-lifting” friend.
Thinking of you on this upcoming holiday we try to ignore and escape. But I wanted you know that you are a great mom – and you had the love of someone special on your journey through life. We both did and we are better people for having known them.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words and thoughts.
“My grief is not less – I have just become used to it.” It amazes me what humans can endure. Even survivors of war who saw horrifying acts of violence against ones they loved manage to live seemingly normal lives. But we all have demons and monsters that slip through the cracks when the night is black and the shadows are long. Sometimes I feel I’ll be relieved when I can lie down for the last time. I don’t like feeling like that, not anymore, the urge to live has returned. It’s just that there is this heaviness that lives inside of my chest and I can get so tired.
I echo your words. I also have an urge to live – it is just filled with heaviness. Hugs and warm wishes SusanB
Hi Tersia, Glad to hear that you are beginning to heal. I know it takes time, but you are doing it…one day at a time.
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