Yesterday I posted on “time”. Today after the visit from the Hospice sister I actually realized that just maybe Vic has entered the first stages of dying
Some of the stages of dying start to be discernible a few months before death occurs.
Vic has become less active; she rests more, sleeps more and has withdrawn into her own inner realm.
Vic is reliving memories and spends a lot of her awake time talking to the boys about her childhood, her “illustrious” school career and their childhoods. This year she relived every minute of her father’s final journey… Vic has started living in the past.
I read that it is the terminally ill’s way of taking stock of their lives and making their peace with it.
Vic no longer eats big meals and I seldom hear her say “I am ravenous”. Due to the 81 abdominal surgeries and multiple bouts of septicemia Vic’s absorption is very poor. (Poor absorption = BIG appetite!) Vic used to have the appetite of a horse – always nibbling and scrounging for food. Now it is sheer discipline that keeps her eating. She knows she cannot have medication without eating first. Strange thing is that she is not really losing weight. Hospice says it is due to the high levels of cortisone she takes… I have been told by Hospice not to worry about her loss of appetite. Her body does not need a lot of fuel (food) anymore because it is not burning a lot of energy anymore….
The effect of the reduced food and liquid intake is that the body starts producing chemicals that create a feeling of mild euphoria. Our bodies actually start relaxing into this stage of dying.
Vic still drinks a fair amount of coffee. She used to drink it warm but now she dozes off before she has finished her cup of coffee. She will wake up and take a sip of cold coffee… A cup of coffee now lasts a long time.
Vic spends the majority of the day in bed, gently dozing…. It is not a deep sleep. It is as if her little body is preparing to hibernate….preparing for what lies beyond death whether it is Heaven, Nirvana or the Other Side….
Reduced appetite and increased sleep is called “Signposts for dying”.
A couple of weeks ago Vic was very emotional. She would tear up without any reason. This stage has passed. It is as if her tears cleansed her soul.
Vic is battling with loneliness. She hates being alone. If she could she would have one of us around her all the time. She often complains that we do not spend time with her. We do spend a lot of time with her. She just dozes off and then we leave to carry on with our lives… The boys are writing exams – they have to study; I have to work…. Dying is a lonely journey
Vic is not in good shape at all. She is suffering severe cramping and nausea that is not responding to any of the medication. The Hospice Sister called the doctor this afternoon and asked her to see Vic in the morning. She also suggested that Vic be admitted to Hospice In-Patient’s. Vic and I firmly declined…
It is obvious that Vic has one or other infection. I think it is the abdominal sepsis. She seems flushed and feels hot and cold. The thermometer does not reflect her running a fever. This is obviously something as Ceza mentioned it to the doctor. She explained that this happens when the auto-immune system is compromised. I have tried to Google it but without too much success. I will ask the doctor tomorrow morning.
Vic is in terrible pain tonight. I have already given her double her normal evening morphine injections; double the quantity of morphine syrup; I have changed her Durogesic patches…. I lay behind her back and gently held her until her breathing became deep and even. She whimpered in her drug-induced sleep….
I know the shutting down process has started. Not because Hospice told me but because Vic told me.
Will my poor baby’s hell ever end? If there is a lesson to be learnt PLEASE God show me what it is so I can learn it!! This has come to an end!