1977


Vic as a baby
Vic as a baby

Yesterday Jon-Daniel and I went for a long walk on the beach.  The water was freezing but my feet adjusted to the temperature.  It was great feeling the sand between my toes.  Families were playing in the sand – very few people were brave enough to swim.  There were quite a few surfers braving the cold water.  The sky was clear and for the first time in many, many months I felt totally relaxed.

I thought back to Vic’s birth!  I remembered a beautiful baby girl born with a mob of black hair.  I remembered the rush of love that I experienced when I first saw her.  I fell in love with Vic the second I lay eyes on her.  When she curled her perfect little fingers around mine I was lost in the wonder of her perfection.

Vic was born 3 weeks early.  She weighed in at 5.6 lbs. (2.54kgs).  She was tiny but perfect!  From the first breath that she took she ruled my life.  Her first little outfit was a baby-pink jersey that a cousin knitted for her.  Her clothes were doll-sized.

My Mom bathed her for the first month of her life.  I was too scared!  At 6 weeks Vic had one feed a night only…. She was born an angel.  Vic had her first known fracture at 6 weeks… She started walking at 18 months; Vic built her first puzzle before she could crawl.

I remembered her gurgling and laughing.  The minute she opened her eyes she would have this huge smile on her face.  Her smile reached her eyes even then….

Vic never stopped smiling.  She was a ray of sunshine.  She never complained.

When I think of the cards the poor little poppet was dealt I realize more than ever what an incredibly strong person she was.

We were driving back from the first athletic meeting when she was in Grade 1.

“Mommy I want to ask you something” Vic said

“You know you can ask my anything you want…” I replied very upbeat.  I had won the parents race and felt pretty good about myself.

“I know what you are going to say …” Vic said

I looked into the rearview mirror and saw silent tears running down her little cheeks.

“What’s wrong Angel?” I asked

“Mommy, why can’t I run like the other children?” she replied.

Vic was diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at 18 months.

I was in total denial that there was anything wrong with my perfect child.  My Dad was the only one who was brave enough to continuously tell me that there was something with Vic.  The sclera of her eyes was blue and she fractured easily.

The grandparents conspired with Tienie (her father) and took her to the Freestate University.  A professor assessed Vic and diagnosed Osteogenesis Imperfecta.

The family decided that Tienie had to break the news to me.  I went mad with fear.  OI is a very rare disease and in the pre-world wide web days, a library was the only source of information.   I went from doctor to doctor begging for a cure or even a hint of hope that there was a cure in sight.  The doctors told me I should wrap Vic in cotton wool and wait for her to die

Whilst all of this was happening Vic kept fracturing bones.  She would bump her little sandal against the step and fracture her tibia.  Whilst in Plaster-of-Paris she would re-fracture in the Plaster–of-Paris…  We were treated like child-abusers at hospital emergency rooms and our neighbours reported us to Child Welfare.

Every living moment I would talk to Vic about how special she was; how frail her little bones were and how careful she must be.

When Vic was 3 years old a colleague mentioned a homeopath that worked miracles with rare and untreatable disorders…  a Professor Majorkenis.  I immediately made an appointment to see him.  He practiced in Johannesburg, and as a small town girl I was petrified.  Johannesburg was Sodom and Gomorrah!

The Professor was of Greek descent.  He was of a short stature and spoke heavily accented English.  His brown eyes were wrinkled, warm and gentle.  His handshake was firm and reassuring.

He spent a long time examining her, measuring her electronic fields and all sorts of weird and foreign tests.

He made no commitment.  He merely told me that he was on-route to Europe for an International Homeopathic Association conference and would discuss it with his fellow doctors there.  (He was President of the International   Homeopathic Association.)

I received a phone call from France a week later.  It was the professor!  The connection was poor and with his heavy accent I managed to hear that he was prepared to do experimental treatment and wanted to start in two weeks!

Without any discussion with anyone I resigned my job, phoned a colleague who has relocated to Johannesburg a couple of months earlier and asked him whether he knew of any vacancies in the glass industry and went home to break the news to my husband and parents!

The family went into high-energy planning.  Vic and I would travel by train as I was scared of driving on my own and getting lost.  Tienie would drive my car to Johannesburg two weeks later so he could celebrate Vic’s 3rd birthday with us.  I would live with my parents-in-law,  who had recently relocated to Johannesburg, and Tienie would live with my parents.  He was still at University and could not relocate.

We gave up the flat, packed up our furniture and belongings and put everything in storage.  Vic and I said our goodbyes to all our friends and then it was time to leave…

I remember my fear with crystal clear clarity when we boarded the train.  I cried hysterically and clung to my Dad.  My mom sobbed, and my dad wiped tears from his eyes telling me I must be strong and look after the “little one”.  We would speak on the phone every Sunday…

The train slowly pulled out of the station, and I held my sobbing baby girl close to my heart.  Her hair was wet from my tears.  Vic was totally distraught.  My parents, siblings and Tienie faded into the night as we sped towards a cure.

 

SET YOU FREE


A dear blogger friend of mine, Judy Unger, http://myjourneysinsight.com/ has generously mailed me a parcel with some of her songs.  She also wrote me a very touching email and appended a beautiful song sung by her.  The song, SET YOU FREE, http://judyunger.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/set-you-free-9_26_12-copyright-2012-by-judy-unger.mp3 was written by Judy when she faced losing her father and is hauntingly beautiful!

SET YOU FREE - Judy Unger
SET YOU FREE – Judy Unger
SET YOU FREE
 You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn
I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone
we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
There is no fear and your leaving is clear
we’ll still have our love it remains with each tear
 I cry as you leave but I truly believe; as you leave my sight we’ll both be all right
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though you have flown to somewhere unknown
we’re never apart ‘cause you’re here in my heart
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free

Vic is not having a good day.  She is so brave, but it is clear to all that she is slowly losing the battle.

The cellulitis in her arm is slowly clearing, the pain and nausea is under control but Vic is weaker.  She looks old and drawn – the pain clearly etched on her little face.  My heart physically aches when I look at her, and I know that my love will follow her, wherever she may go..

I know I must set Vic free.  I need to release her from the hell she lives.  I echo Judy’s words “You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn; I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone; we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far”  

Thank you Judy for your compassion and sharing your beautiful songs with me.

Vic’s poem


Aarthi Raghavan, http://sickocean.wordpress.com, http://mysticparables.wordpress.com, a very talented poet, whose work I enjoy immensely, has written a beautiful poem and dedicated it to Vic and I.  We are so honored and blessed with the gift of your words and your heart!   Thank you so much Aarthi!

the love you share
the words that say you care
those moments between you and your daughter
those drops of peace and happiness and joy
save them like drops of pearls
save them like diamonds rare
that is a form of unending love
that gives and gives and never expects
be there like a rock for your child
and i am sure she would win and survive
our world is one of miracles too
our world is an oasis rarities
and your child too shall her courage prove
just be there with a smile always
give her the courage to stand taller than before
she shall overcome her struggles soon
prove all wrong and herself right
she must win and win this time
make sure you are there to know
witness her strength, her wars, her fight
love can kill the worst of fears and
happiness shall soon return
changing the way she views her life…

with love and regards…

Dedicated to Vic and her wonderful Mom. :)

http://sickocean.wordpress.com/2012/10/23/to-vic-and-her-wonderful-mom/

http://mysticparables.wordpress.com

I have a living will 31.7.2012


I have become accustomed to the ICU at the Donald Gordon Hospital.  DGH has one of the best Intensive Care Units in the country.  There are always 3 ICU doctors on duty and well as a HIGHLY skilled Head of Department.  No full-time doctors or pain specialists in the Union’s ICU. 

The difference is that the DGH is a private teaching Hospital and does not handle trauma patients.  Only critically ill patients are admitted to the Donald Gordon ICU.   The staff are all ICU specialists.  Ok, I must admit that they also know Vic very, very well.  For the past 7 years they kept Vic alive.  Time and time again she has amazed and astounded them by surviving  every conceivable Super Bug,  ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome), sepsis, organ failure… they know exactly how her body reacts to pain and how she reacts to different drugs.  The doctors that work in the ICU do work at the Pain Clinic.  They understand the benefits of post operation Ketamine Infusions. 

Over the years Vic has spent months and months in the DGH ICU…

When Vic was admitted to ICU at the DGH the last time, one of the doctors said that if she ever decided to give up her fight to live, he would not fight for her.   He knows what she has been through.

This past weekend I spend a lot of time in the Union’s ICU.  More time than I have ever been allowed to spend in the DGH’s ICU. 

Vic, on Sunday morning, was like a wild animal caught in a trap.  Her eyes were crazy.  Vic’s pain levels were horrific and the ICU staff did not know how to handle it.  On Saturday night after the surgery I was not allowed to stay with her, despite the doctor’s instruction to “Allow the mother to stay”.   I had to sit in the “Comfort Room”.  It was so cold in there!  The air-conditioning was turned down to near freezing levels.  I was so cold that the bones in my body ached.  At 03:00 I decided to go home.  I was not allowed to stay with Vic and at that stage she was sleeping peacefully.

 I was woken just after 07:00 by the ICU staff asking me to come to the hospital…

My well behaved, docile child had sworn at her nurse.  She was insane with pain.  Whilst I was telling them what medication she needed to control her pain (yes that is correct) I was trying to calm her down.  I made the mistake of telling her to calm down… That was an epic mistake!!!

We eventually managed to get her pain under control and then the staff asked me to stay…  I basically left ICU when Vic was discharged into the ward Monday afternoon … 

Sitting next to Vic’s bed I looked around and noted that almost 70% of the ICU patients were on life support.  In the one corner there was a young man.  I would imagine that he was in his mid-thirties.  “Was” is correct.  He was declared brain dead yesterday morning.  By now his organs may have been harvested.  Maybe not.  What I am sure of is that his bed is no longer occupied by his imposing body.  Even in the claws of death he had an imposing physique and a presence.  Yet he had no visitors.  Not a single soul came to see him… until yesterday morning when his next of kin were called in and given the news.  One by one they traipsed in, spent a couple of minutes (at most) next to his bed, wiped some tears and walked out…  He was left to die alone.

Other patients had hoards of visitors – each spending a couple of minutes with their loved one and then returning to the cold passages to chat to old friends or other family.  The patient oblivious to their tears and worried faces… battling each “breath” of the artificial lungs… Dialysis machines cleaning their kidneys… blood pressure and heart rate artificially manipulated by chemicals.  Looking at their vitals one would never guess the life-and-death battle raging in their bloated bodies.

I have a Living Will.  I do not want to be kept alive artificially.  I am absolutely certain about it.  I cannot and will not be convinced otherwise.  People should be allowed to die with some dignity.  We all live to dieit is as certain as paying taxes.

What is the purpose of a life with debilitating pain???  I do not want to put my family through it – ever!!  Oh I know my family will miss me.  I know I am loved.  I however know that we live to die.  I look forward to dying.  I look forward to what I have strived for all my life.  Peace, no responsibilities, quiet… I know that I will go to Heaven.  I have already been to hell.  I live hell every day.

If I had been ill I could have handled it.  I would quietly have found a way of leaving it behind.  To stand next to your child’s bed, helpless, hope less and hopeless is the worst situation any parent ever should have to go through. 

So tonight I ask God again:  PLEASE give me the pain.  Allow Vicky to have some quality of life.  Allow her a life.  Allow her to be loved.  Allow her to love unconditionally and without fear.  Please let her be able to run… give her time on a beach; allow her to turn her face into the sun.  PLEASE let her have a normal life, a job, independence or end this journey.

On Monday afternoon Vic was discharged from ICU to the ward.  I asked the doctor to let Vic come home straight out of ICU.  I can take better care of her at home than they can do in hospital.  Vic is home and last night was a night out of hell.  She was so ill, vomiting all night.  She could not keep her medication down.  No sooner did she take a sip or water or it just came spewing out.  Pain control was absolutely out of the question.

Today I received a message from the Pain Clinic that the Hospice application motivation was underway.  Hopefully we will have an answer by next week.  If only I could give Vic meds intravenously it would be so much better.

Vic also needs physiological support/guidance in making peace with her situation.  From her moments of madness in ICU it became clear to me that Vic has some deep-seated resentments and a lot of anger in her.  Vic needs to make peace with her journey and the trip itinerary. 

But more about our family conference and Vic’s emotional battle tomorrow.  It is time for her medication and I need to sleep.