Tag: Pierre-Auguste Renoir

I have flu.  I get ill once in 5 years and I am a ninny.  I do not handle pain and discomfort well… I whinge, moan and groan until I am better…

This time I have embraced my flu.  I can stay in bed and there is no pressure for me to get up…. I can just lie in bed with my eyes closed and it is okay!  For the first time since my precious child died I don’t have to communicate, talk or pretend.  I can just be sick!!!!  I have spent four days in bed not having to talk, smile or pretend….

I am sick to the core of my soul – not only from the flu but from heartbreak.  I was able to feel the loneliness and emptiness that permeates my life since Vic died.  For four days I have not had to smile or live – I could lie in bed and hope to die.

There are days that I really do cope.  There are days that I am able to smile and laugh.  Most of the time I live a lie…

I have made peace with the fact that my precious child’s suffering is over.  I know that never again will she fracture vertebrae from vomiting, scream from pain, whimper because she does not have the strength to scream… But all I have done is learnt to accept that Vic was amputated from my life.  I still have to learn to live without the amputated part of my body; the pain of the missing part of me continues to taunt me…

I miss my child so much!  I want to love and hold her.  I wish I could have protected her from the ravages of Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error!  No, I don’t have guilt…I did everything I possibly could for my baby girl. I just desperately miss her!  I miss her company.

I am hoping that the pain will pass…I do remember the beauty of my precious Vic all the time.  The wonderful mother and daughter that she was; kind and gentle; incapable of malice…Her beauty will remain with us for ever.

Tomorrow I will get out of bed and carry on living.