Today is really a bad day! Vic is not well at all! She is experiencing severe intestinal pain. I think it is the adhesions that maybe causing the pain.
I have visions of the adhesions strangling her intestines. Adhesions are like ivy – fast growing and aggressive. Her surgeon says that the adhesions have formed a solid concrete wall and the tissue is like soggy tissue. I look at diagrams and photos of adhesions, partial and complete obstructions and I find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that the surgery that saved her yesterday is killing her today.
We have reached a stage in Vic’s journey where she is almost 100% bedbound. She needs help with every facet of her life.
Vic is very aware that her declining health is leading her towards death. She says she is not scared of dying but I know that she has many other fears and emotions. She fears for her boys and us – how we will cope with the inevitable. She worries about the emotional and financial stress of her situation. She grieves the fact that she will not see her sons graduate or marry.
People say “well, at least you can say goodbye…I never got to say goodbye to my loved one…” Today I want to say to those people “Be Grateful”! Do you think it is easy to stand next to the bed of your child seeing her suffer? Fighting back tears of frustration because you are so darn helpless! Watching as every day she loses more of her dignity? Seeing the tears of pain run down her pale cheeks? Think again! Prolonged goodbyes are absolute hell.
Just about the worse part of the situation is the helplessness that I see in the boys’ eyes when they look at their Mom. I see their red-rimmed eyes. I hear them cry in the privacy of their rooms. I can only hold them. I cannot say everything will be okay or that things will be better tomorrow. Because I know it won’t be!