Never Alone

This was my song for Vic.  I played it for her all the time.  We spoke about the words and the meaning of the words.

Today it is 21 weeks since I have been able to touch my child, hold her, brush her hair.  I know that she is around me, but I feel so alone without her.  Vic was my dearest friend, my companion, my daughter, my soul mate.

Yes, Vic is in my heart.  Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of her, miss her…. But I really want her to be with me.  When will this pain end?  When will I come to terms with the fact that I am alone now.

Yes, I know I am surrounded by people who love me…I know they are worried about me… But nobody can fill the void that Vic’s death has left.

I feel alone even when I am surrounded by lots of people, family….

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this thing called “grief”.  This devastating sorrow.

This weekend I will work in the garden and start preparing Vic’s Angel Garden.  I don’t want my child in a friggin garden – I want her in my home.  I want her sneaking up behind me and kissing me on the cheek.  I want to hear her voice saying “I love you Mommy”.  I want to tell her how much I love her.

I want to hear her talking to her boys.  Telling them she loves them the “mostest in the world”; reminding them to brush their teeth

I don’t want to feel this sorrow and pain.  I want to be happy again.