My funeral

I am writing this through my tears. A dear cyber friend of mine is dying from congenital heart failure. She is a wise and terribly brave person. She posted this today…

“so here it is and then i am off to sleep.  when my sister was here we started talking about cremation.  of course she is the only person in my family that i would have this discussion with.  may i add we laughed although not all would find this humorous.  when cremated how do they separate the human remains from the ashes of the container used?  if no container is used why do they charge for it?  i have looked online for the answer and didn’t find it.”

This post jerked me back to Vic’s death bed. The memory of Vic sitting in her bed with an open file on her lap was burnt into my mind…. The folder – “My Funeral”

“Mommy, these are the hymns I want for my funeral…”

“Amazing Grace” and “How great thou art” were Vic’s hymns of choice…

“Mommy, do you think I can have candles? Lots of candles?” Vic asked.

In May 2012 Vic asked whether I would deliver her eulogy… She asked me to thank Jared for taking care of her and Jon-Daniel for making her laugh.

“Remember to make a list of everyone that we need to thank Mommy. I would hate for us to leave out anyone… “

On the 2nd of January, 16 days before she died, Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service.  She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers; she requested that her minister be called to administer communion.

“Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible”

I still feel the despair I felt then knowing that death was on the forefront of my child’s mind. I felt her fear of death; her terror of the unknown. I felt her desperate sadness and her reluctance to say goodbye… On the one hand her pain filled, little body was so diseased and weak. On the other hand,her will to live was so strong!

I was helpless. I was praying that Vic would die – that her suffering would end. I was bargaining with God to spare her. I tried negotiating with Him – my life for hers.

I still feel the madness that I felt then.

My dear friend is going through the same fears and emotions that my precious child did. She is making the same decisions. I wish I could reach out and hug her. I wish I could grab her from the claws of death.

I am thinking of you tonight my dear friend. In my thoughts you are well and safe. I wish I could spare you this journey. Lots of love and hugs.

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I am a sixty plenty wife, mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.

16 thoughts on “My funeral”

  1. tersia once again let me say how sorry i am that my post brought you to this pain. i guess it is the scientific part of my brain that led me to this conversation. when discussing it with my sister we were laughing because i didn’t want to pay for a container if it was going to really be sort of a rental. anyway then i started wondering if the remains are all mixed and that seemed odd to me. the link you gave me had a simple answer to my questions.

    we all face this in our own way and so far i am not really afraid. who knows if that will change. all i can do is grab each moment and treasure it, the same as vic and all of you did. i wish i could spare my family the pain i hear in your words here.

    i send love and hugs to you and hope you know how much you mean to me. i will keep you and vic close to my heart as long as it beats.


    1. My dear, dear friend – I know all of the above. Please know that I will keep you in my heart long after your precious heart stops beating. You cannot spare any of your loved ones pain. It is a necessary part of life. I am glad that you have these precious moments. Vic and I also reverted to humour… I treasure the part you have played in my life! Lots of love and wishes for continued courage and strength. I admire you so much!!!!


  2. You are truly a beautiful person! I know the person you speak of. She is an awesome human being and I have learned much from her writings about love, respect, and the acceptance of death. She has taught me to live better than I have and to care deeply for others. You and she seem twins of a sort.

    Wishing you all the best.


    1. That is the greatest compliment ever. She is truly an amazing person whom I have grown to love and respect. She is a true friend. I wish we had met. Thank you for the compliment. xoxoxo


  3. I am so sorry for your friend and her suffering as well as yours. I cannot fathomplanning a childs funeral while they are still living, nor a person such as your friend. My brother in laws nephew is 21 and given less than six months, he and his mother just went last week to make the arrangements, I don’t know where you all get the strength to walk into a funeral home and choose services , casket etc. I bow in admiration of your courage. Peace love and joy. Prayers my friend.


    1. Oh how terrible for that poor young man and his mother!! Life is so hard and not fair!!!!! Thank you for your friendship and gentle words.


  4. These blogs are a homage to Vic and to you my friend. You are so brave and wonderful. Losing my husband was terribly painful; but loosing a child is the worst. I continue to keep you in my prayers. Hugs, Barbara


  5. Tersia, thank you for finding my blog…because it led me to your blog. I understand your pain but I have not been there so I cannot feel what you are feeling. What I can tell you is that Vic has gone to a gentler, kinder, and more loving place. I have traveled to the Spirit World many times and I assure you that it is more beautiful than our mind can fathom. May the memories of your daughter sustain you until you are reunited. Blessings and love. Beverley


    1. Beverley how I wish I had your gift! I would give anything to talk to my child and see where she is and what she is doing…Thank you for visiting and commenting. I love your blog!


      1. Thanks Tersia. Often parents soul travel to be with their children during sleep. Do you remember having any vivid dreams of your daughter? By the way, I tried to leave a comment on your post ‘God Hates Me’ and for some reason, it wasn’t accepted. Here is the comment, “You are so right…God is love and anything else (jealousy, hate, greed, etc) all comes from the ego. I strongly believe that actions speak louder than words, and how we live our life in service to others, doing what we can to help, out of love for humanity rather than for a cause, is what counts. Our true nature is love; it’s our connection to God consciousness.”


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