I don’t want to die


Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried

Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence

I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied

Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said

We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…

Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried

My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said

“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said

I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said

Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears

“I am scared Mommy…”

I am scared too Vic…”

23 thoughts on “I don’t want to die

  1. Your post takes my breath away. The love and blessings bring tears to my eyes. I want to tell you that I am so impressed by your courage and strength. I lost my husband in 1995. You are coping much better. I know the Universe will be with you every day.

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  2. Hi Tertia and Vic. What can I say, my heart and Soul hurts, I feel so far away to just give you both a hug and to be there to help you both.
    Thanks Tertia for keeping us posted on your daily walk with Vic.
    You are both the most amazing girls. What a wonderful bond you have with one another. The honesty between you is something so special. Lots of love GB

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  3. what a blessing to be able to talk about your fear and hers. what a gift to you both that each can tell the other what is really in their heart. i am praying for italy, for now the dream of italy may have to suffice. just keep loving and caring about each other. if only i could reach to hold your hand i would.

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  4. I reach across the miles and offer you my strength through this difficult time. I think about you both and send loving energy. You are both so very brave. Your love for each other is so strong and so beautiful. Take solace in that when you can. I am so sorry for all of Vic’s pain. I ask Spirit to bring love and sweetness, rest and peace to you both.

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  5. In those moments having slight humor is so amazing. Stay positive, and just keep being that amazing mom that you are.. A great friend too. Your love is outstanding. God Bless you.

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