ImageFor the second time this year I considered closing down my blog.  I have truly agonised about it.

I have thought about why I blog.  I weighed up my options…

  1. Close down the blog
  2. Start a new blog
  3. Post anonymously
  4. Change the privacy settings on my blog
  5. Stop blogging

I originally started blogging to document Vic’s journey.  I am grateful that I did.  There are days that I miss Vic so much that I would give anything to have her back.  Now I am able to reread my words…..

Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

Vic has been vomiting non-stop.  The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth.  Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections.  Sr Siza popped in.  She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.

Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain.  I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks.  I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die.  I begged God to take away her suffering.

Now I remember her laugh, her eccentricities, her will to live, her strength of character, her mothering skills and most of all the fun times we spent together.  

I am grateful for my blog.  I am grateful for the love and companionship I found here.  I am grateful for the advice from other bereaved mothers.  I am grateful for the blogs of other mothers further down the road than I am – reading about their ongoing pain I know that I am not going mad…that my pain is “normal”.  

I KNOW I am doing well.  

I am grateful that I can come back here and remember who meant so much to my precious child in her last days.  I am grateful that I have something to remember by because I can remember very little of Vic’s last week of living and the weeks that followed.  

This blog is no longer about Vic’s journey.  Her journey has ended.  Vic’s Journey has become my journey. This blog is about my emotions, my thoughts, my life and honouring Vic’s memory and life.  

I can “IGNORE” and “DELETE” written comments that may be controversial or offensive.  I will not sensor my thoughts or emotions.  This blog belongs to me.  It is a coping mechanism and my support group… If people don’t like what I blog about they have the choice to “unfollow” me.

I ask that people who read my blog see my heart, my pain, my isolation in my grief.  Allow me to mention my child’s name.  I am never going to “get over her death.”  I am not asking for sympathy or pity.  Just the right to write my words and thoughts uncensored.  

To all my cyber friends – Thank you for your love and support.  Thank you for sharing this journey with the boys and I.  I will continue to blog to honour my memories of my precious child.  I want the world to know this brave young woman and her incredible battle to live.  

Vic’s greatest fear was that she would be forgotten…  I vowed to her that I would keep her memory alive.  I blog for my child.  I will not dishonour her battle by blogging anonymously. She wanted people to know, to learn, to grow out of her suffering.  Vic was a beautiful human being filled with goodness and love.  She deserves her story to be known.

Vic, I salute you my precious and beautiful child.  I miss you with every fibre of my body.  I promise you that you will never be forgotten.

RELATED POSTS:

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/20/i-dont-want-to-die/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/25/a-time-to-be-born-and-a-time-to-die/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/18/the-right-to-live-with-dignity/

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I resonate with these words….