For the second time this year I considered closing down my blog. I have truly agonised about it.
I have thought about why I blog. I weighed up my options…
- Close down the blog
- Start a new blog
- Post anonymously
- Change the privacy settings on my blog
- Stop blogging
I originally started blogging to document Vic’s journey. I am grateful that I did. There are days that I miss Vic so much that I would give anything to have her back. Now I am able to reread my words…..
Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.
“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded
I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.
Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.
Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain. I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks. I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die. I begged God to take away her suffering.
Now I remember her laugh, her eccentricities, her will to live, her strength of character, her mothering skills and most of all the fun times we spent together.
I am grateful for my blog. I am grateful for the love and companionship I found here. I am grateful for the advice from other bereaved mothers. I am grateful for the blogs of other mothers further down the road than I am – reading about their ongoing pain I know that I am not going mad…that my pain is “normal”.
I KNOW I am doing well.
I am grateful that I can come back here and remember who meant so much to my precious child in her last days. I am grateful that I have something to remember by because I can remember very little of Vic’s last week of living and the weeks that followed.
This blog is no longer about Vic’s journey. Her journey has ended. Vic’s Journey has become my journey. This blog is about my emotions, my thoughts, my life and honouring Vic’s memory and life.
I can “IGNORE” and “DELETE” written comments that may be controversial or offensive. I will not sensor my thoughts or emotions. This blog belongs to me. It is a coping mechanism and my support group… If people don’t like what I blog about they have the choice to “unfollow” me.
I ask that people who read my blog see my heart, my pain, my isolation in my grief. Allow me to mention my child’s name. I am never going to “get over her death.” I am not asking for sympathy or pity. Just the right to write my words and thoughts uncensored.
To all my cyber friends – Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for sharing this journey with the boys and I. I will continue to blog to honour my memories of my precious child. I want the world to know this brave young woman and her incredible battle to live.
Vic’s greatest fear was that she would be forgotten… I vowed to her that I would keep her memory alive. I blog for my child. I will not dishonour her battle by blogging anonymously. She wanted people to know, to learn, to grow out of her suffering. Vic was a beautiful human being filled with goodness and love. She deserves her story to be known.
Vic, I salute you my precious and beautiful child. I miss you with every fibre of my body. I promise you that you will never be forgotten.
25 thoughts on “My blog”
Keep going friend; in whatever manner helps you. That is why it is YOUR site. Huge hugs and gentle ones. Love, Belinda
Hugs Tersia xo
I’m glad you’re staying. I’m glad you’re keeping your promise that Vic will not be forgotten. I admire your courage and honesty.
With love and respect,
My dear friend, Tersia…
Hold your ground… this is your blog… now, your own journey for your grandsons to have one day when they are older. They will have a very real piece of you. They will have a piece of their mother through your words to hold on to. There will be things they will want to always remember… and they will.. through your blog.
Mention your precious child’s name… this is your blog… you can’t write to please others. This is to share your thoughts with ‘the world’… so, people who are looking for someone in similar circumstances can understand what they, themselves will go through… why they feel as they do.
If you allow someone to control you, your words… you will have given your power away. I, personally, am grateful to you… do you know why?
Because my own child died, also. I see by your words, thoughts, feelings that I’m not the only one who lost their child, grieve over their child. You ‘give me you to care about’… that ‘helps me’. I think there’s a lot of ‘us’ in this big, old world who need each other like this.
We all help each other to not be alone… we all are on the same path, understand grief… whereas, people who comment, are ugly… who have never lost a child…. can not ever understand what it feels like. Watch them cry, gnash their teeth, scream to the heavens ‘if they lost their child’… only then…. will they understand. Then… they will need you… to care.
Hold your ground, Tersia. You have people who look for you each, every day. You mean something to those people. I am one of them.
Love Your Friend, Gloria
Tersia you cannot not blog now as you said it is your journey now as each of journey on our own blogs. Never let anyone take away the wellness you are aiming for. Love and hugs my friend (((xx)))
Glad that you don’t close the blog
Dear tersia burger,
You are an amazing Mom, and living example of what true motherly love is in actuality. My respectful salute to you for the journey that you covered along with Vic.
May God Bless Vic, and shower her with all the best that she deserves.
Thank you for sharing your story and honoring your daughter in this way. It helps me to read of your journey and to know I’m not alone. blessings, Lucia
I’ m packing to go away for a bit today, so I can’t unfortunately read everyone elses comments and will probably echo them. I can only say this, which may sound a bit bossy; you are very brave to have started this blog at all in honour of Vic’s courage and pain and that of the boys, too.
With regard to disapproval and the self righteous lack of understanding and accompanying abuse you may unfortunately receive, I can only say, ignore it. You know and I know that our first rule must always be to do WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT and if other people don’t like it, that is their problem. Always ask yourself if there is something in what they say and take their views into account, but never go back on doing what your inner voice tells you. You are doing brilliantly. I would be very sorry to see you go; I don’t believe you will; but finally, all your choices are yours alone (and I suspect Vic has her own way of contacting you to tell you what she thinks, too.
Bravo, Tersia – Vic would be so proud of you!
Don’t quit…Keep on, keeping on…
Thank you – I won’t. I truly need this blogging community to get through this horrible time in my life.
Whatever you do, don’t stop writing. We need you.
I won’t stop Denise. I need this outlet and support system. Thank you for caring.
if i were there i would sit with you and we would talk of vic and her journey. you would share with me her humor and loving nature.
i am so proud of you for deciding to continue your journey here. sending warm hugs and love to you
We have never met, and yet I care very deeply for you. I would LOVE to sit and talk to you about my precious child and our lives in general. Have you decided about the new doctor?
If you already have this Award go here http://www.momentmatters.com/awards/
Please accept this “Best Moments Award”
This for me is the most Amazing Award here on Word Press.
It means YOU have created a MOMENT, and without life, what would it be
like without moments.
Thank you my dear friend!! I will post my acceptance next week! 3 babies and a teenager with tummy bug……….
Whenever, just a picture..
Hope you are well x
Tersia, that Idea I gave you, please, let me show you how to do that. It will make your blog your own..x
Hi Shaun, I have decided to stand my ground. I am not in the wrong and if the shoe fits people should wear it. Thank you for your help and listening.
Good on you x
I thought you may have done this..
And you not in the wrong, some people are born nasty and stupid
Oh my sweet friend, I am so inspired by your courage Tersia, and your resilience.
Vic did not fall from the great Oak of a tree her mother is, she inherited her courage from you, and I am positive that she would not want you to stop something that helps you navigate and process your grief.
I get so frustrated when I realize there are still detractors visiting upon you. My attitude quickly becomes defensive & I want to ask; “Whose grief is this anyway? ”
You my friend owe no one anything! You ARE doing well, you ARE going through the stages of grief in your way. Whose way should it be?
I will try not to judge those who are judging you, I do not know their history and why it makes them think like they do.
But neither do they know or understand yours, nor had they lived Vic’s lifetime with her like you.
Like I said last time, This is YOUR blog……
Thank you BB.
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