My blog

ImageFor the second time this year I considered closing down my blog.  I have truly agonised about it.

I have thought about why I blog.  I weighed up my options…

  1. Close down the blog
  2. Start a new blog
  3. Post anonymously
  4. Change the privacy settings on my blog
  5. Stop blogging

I originally started blogging to document Vic’s journey.  I am grateful that I did.  There are days that I miss Vic so much that I would give anything to have her back.  Now I am able to reread my words…..

Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

Vic has been vomiting non-stop.  The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth.  Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections.  Sr Siza popped in.  She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.

Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain.  I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks.  I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die.  I begged God to take away her suffering.

Now I remember her laugh, her eccentricities, her will to live, her strength of character, her mothering skills and most of all the fun times we spent together.  

I am grateful for my blog.  I am grateful for the love and companionship I found here.  I am grateful for the advice from other bereaved mothers.  I am grateful for the blogs of other mothers further down the road than I am – reading about their ongoing pain I know that I am not going mad…that my pain is “normal”.  

I KNOW I am doing well.  

I am grateful that I can come back here and remember who meant so much to my precious child in her last days.  I am grateful that I have something to remember by because I can remember very little of Vic’s last week of living and the weeks that followed.  

This blog is no longer about Vic’s journey.  Her journey has ended.  Vic’s Journey has become my journey. This blog is about my emotions, my thoughts, my life and honouring Vic’s memory and life.  

I can “IGNORE” and “DELETE” written comments that may be controversial or offensive.  I will not sensor my thoughts or emotions.  This blog belongs to me.  It is a coping mechanism and my support group… If people don’t like what I blog about they have the choice to “unfollow” me.

I ask that people who read my blog see my heart, my pain, my isolation in my grief.  Allow me to mention my child’s name.  I am never going to “get over her death.”  I am not asking for sympathy or pity.  Just the right to write my words and thoughts uncensored.  

To all my cyber friends – Thank you for your love and support.  Thank you for sharing this journey with the boys and I.  I will continue to blog to honour my memories of my precious child.  I want the world to know this brave young woman and her incredible battle to live.  

Vic’s greatest fear was that she would be forgotten…  I vowed to her that I would keep her memory alive.  I blog for my child.  I will not dishonour her battle by blogging anonymously. She wanted people to know, to learn, to grow out of her suffering.  Vic was a beautiful human being filled with goodness and love.  She deserves her story to be known.

Vic, I salute you my precious and beautiful child.  I miss you with every fibre of my body.  I promise you that you will never be forgotten.


I resonate with these words….

Mirella cannot do PT…


Gr 2 year.  Vic's birthday party
Gr 2 year. Vic’s birthday party

I read this lovely post that truly brought a smile to my face. – Thank you Kate!  This post brought a smile to my face and a lovely memory moment to my heart.  I am not going to spoil this funny post by telling you what it is about as I would encourage you to pop over and read it personally.  I cannot do it justice.

For one or other reason this post reminded me of a funny incident when Vic was in Gr 2 at a Convent.

Vic was a very bright little girl and a natural-born leader.  She was an excellent little speller.  Vic was never allowed to participate in any Physical Training lessons at school.  The poor little poppet had to sit and watch her little friends running around, honing their developmental skills through exercise.

It is not clear what the reason was, but one of her little friends decided that she would join Vic on the benches – just watching.  Maybe she forgot her PT clothes at home, maybe she wanted to keep Vic company – who knows?  Mrs Bowling was the PT teacher.  The kids were pretty scared of her… She had a booming voice and intimidating stature.

When I arrived at school that afternoon I was taken aside by Vic’s class teacher, Sr Norbitt.  In a hushed tone she told me that I had to see the principal… There had been an “incident”.  Dear Sr Norbitt’s face had a disapproving scowl on it, but she did assure me that Vicky was not ill or hurt…

I was asked to take a seat in the principal’s office.  I was really very concerned that something serious had happened.

Mother Superior proceeded to tell me that Vic’s little friend had presented a letter to Mrs Bowling excusing her from PT.  She took out the note and I immediately recognised Vic’s baby handwriting…big, perfectly rounded letters saying…

“Dear Mrs Bowling
Mirella can not do PT.  She is sick.  She has X-Rays
Mirella Mommy”

When the girls were confronted with this very obvious forgery, they admitted that Vic had written the letter because she was the best speller in the class and knew about diseases because she was always sick…  Vic wanted to really impress the girls but the only “sick” word she could spell was….. X-Rays!

They were given a week’s detention.