I am writing this through my tears. A dear cyber friend of mine is dying from congenital heart failure. She is a wise and terribly brave person. She posted this today…
“so here it is and then i am off to sleep. when my sister was here we started talking about cremation. of course she is the only person in my family that i would have this discussion with. may i add we laughed although not all would find this humorous. when cremated how do they separate the human remains from the ashes of the container used? if no container is used why do they charge for it? i have looked online for the answer and didn’t find it.”
This post jerked me back to Vic’s death bed. The memory of Vic sitting in her bed with an open file on her lap was burnt into my mind…. The folder – “My Funeral”
“Mommy, these are the hymns I want for my funeral…”
“Amazing Grace” and “How great thou art” were Vic’s hymns of choice…
“Mommy, do you think I can have candles? Lots of candles?” Vic asked.
In May 2012 Vic asked whether I would deliver her eulogy… She asked me to thank Jared for taking care of her and Jon-Daniel for making her laugh.
“Remember to make a list of everyone that we need to thank Mommy. I would hate for us to leave out anyone… “
On the 2nd of January, 16 days before she died, Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers; she requested that her minister be called to administer communion.
“Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible”
I still feel the despair I felt then knowing that death was on the forefront of my child’s mind. I felt her fear of death; her terror of the unknown. I felt her desperate sadness and her reluctance to say goodbye… On the one hand her pain filled, little body was so diseased and weak. On the other hand,her will to live was so strong!
I was helpless. I was praying that Vic would die – that her suffering would end. I was bargaining with God to spare her. I tried negotiating with Him – my life for hers.
I still feel the madness that I felt then.
My dear friend is going through the same fears and emotions that my precious child did. She is making the same decisions. I wish I could reach out and hug her. I wish I could grab her from the claws of death.
I am thinking of you tonight my dear friend. In my thoughts you are well and safe. I wish I could spare you this journey. Lots of love and hugs.