The shadow of grief


Grief becomes a shadow. It finds you and follows you. At times the shadow is small and then at times it is big.

Your shadow is a constant companion. It keeps up with your pace… It will run with you but it will also crawl with you. When you stop it will stop.

It follows you into the valleys of despair and will climb mountains of triumph with you. Grief is a constant companion.

When you are in the deepest valley your shadow is there. When at the heights of the highest mountain it is still there.

A shadow is a dangerous thing. If offers a wonderful hiding place. A place to lose one self. At times the shadow invites me in and I get lost in my shadow of grief. In the shadow I am invisible and no one can see my pain, my sense of loss, my loneliness. My shadow is a safe haven where I get to become one with my grief.

The boys are a light that draws me out from my shadow. Hospice and my faith is a light that draws me out from my shadow.

The grief of losing a child is not only on high days and holidays. Grief follows you on bad days, good days, every day… It gets into bed with you and awakens with you.

It even permeates your dreams.

Today it is 8 months since Vic died. Not a single day has passed that I have not been acutely aware of the shadow of grief that accompanies me on my journey. Has it become a journey of recovery? No, I doubt it. I think it is too soon. I do have better days…Then I have days where I walk into a supermarket and see Vic’s brand of deodorant or shampoo. I will put out my hand to touch a @$*# tin of deodorant and tears will well up in my eyes.

For heaven’s sake! A stupid tin of deodorant now has the ability to reduce me to tears!

Today I stood outside the Hospice building. It is nearing completion. I experienced a profound sense of achievement. Pride and satisfaction welled up in my heart but disappeared into that massive, gaping hole left by Vic’s death.

“This is because my child died” it rushed through my brain….

Of course someone would have started a Hospice. That I don’t doubt for one second. Maybe the rest of the team would have been involved. Maybe the financial backing would have been better – who knows? The fact remains that the reason I got involved is because my child died and I promised her that her death would not be futile.

14 thoughts on “The shadow of grief

  1. One day, you will embrace your shadow. It will be because Vic is the light shining on you – always with you, always above you and always holding you tightly. Her light is the reason for the shadow. Just as your grandsons are your light, she is there – you just cannot see her. But her influence is clearly there. Moving from darkness into the light is the challenge. The “shadow of darkness” is what this horrible adjustment period of grief is. It is not permanent, even though grief changes us forever. I pray for the moment when you see a rainbow through your tears. You are amazing and I’m so glad that you are able to write and express your grief. Hang on.

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  2. Blessings to you for gifting society with a place of love, which will have a significant positive impact on the town, the people who use this Hospice, and the world. What a beautiful tribute to Vic; she will live on in everyone who will be blessed enough to spend their final hours, days, weeks in such a place of love. Vic mattered, as do you.

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  3. Vic’s memory is building moments for other’s Tersia, and will do for generations to come.
    Her legacy will be to help others. And you know how deeply proud I am of you and how much I admire you as a person and mother. The world needs more Tersia’s and Vic’s ..
    May her memory never be forgotten, may her memory create more memories for others..
    Shaun and Dawn,,, x Hugs

    Xx

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      1. Just saying it as it is Tersia….Hope you are ok.. x
        I say it every time, I am always here for a chat, even facebook or email.. Hugs x

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  4. Tersia, you have written so very well the description of my shadow of grief. I love the first comment about “Her light is the reason for the shadow.” Perfectly put. Our children did not suffer in vain when we, as their mothers, carry forth their lights. I can see Vic’s shining aura from this side of the globe!! Love to you….Brandon’s Mom

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