The boys grief …


He is six-foot tall and wears a number 11 shoe. He has a beautiful open face, perfect teeth and a brilliant smile. He is very bright, a gifted sportsman, he is the “silent” type. He is Vic’s youngest son.

Last night he received an award at the school’s prize giving. His aggregate for the year 84.7% with 8 distinctions.

This is the most difficult year of his life. He lost his mom in the beginning of the academic year.


Jared is the perfect older brother.  He is fiercely protective of his younger brother.  Jared is gentle and caring.  He has a white soul…

On the surface the boys are coping well. They are “getting on” with their lives.


Thank goodness for social media…It gives me an insight into what is happening behind their stoic appearances.

Jon-Daniel’s WhatsApp status is “Live until you die.” That is the example his Mom set…

Jared posted on Facebook on the 18th of September “Can’t believe that it has already been 8 months… Miss you mommy… It feels like a lifetime already… Love you mom  always in our heart♥ forever in our memories…

On the 18th of September Jon-Daniel posted: “How? I ask myself.. It already been 8 months without the greatest Mommy in the world! Time has flown since January, but the memories have stayed. And they will always stay, along with that special place in my heart that is only for MY MOMMY! Love you always Mom, miss you stax!”

 On the 26th of September Jared posted on Facebook “Missing you mommy… you were always there for a laugh

The day of Stepping Stone Hospices’ official opening Jon-Daniel posted “Stepping Stone Hospice was officially opened this evening. Amazing to see 1 person’s dream can turn into something so big! And so amazing how much people will do for somebody they don’t know. Thank you to all that attended!”

 He cried in the doorway of the Vicky Bruce Room

 On the 11th of October he posted on Vic’s Facebook page “Mommy, I miss you! When are you coming home?”

 I am helpless in taking the children’s pain away. Their pain and grief is still so raw and deep.

The stress started years before Vic died. The boys grew up knowing that their Mommy was ill and in a lot of pain. They grew up living with Vic’s imminent death and dreadful suffering.

Teenagers appear to feel grief more intensely than adults, especially if one of their parents has died. The Adolescent Life Change Event Scale (ALCES), which mental-health specialists use to help quantify the events that are the most stress-inducing in teenagers, ranks a parent’s death as the number- one cause of adolescent stress. Second is the death of a brother or sister, followed by the death of a friend.

Teenagers are embarrassed by displays of grief and struggle to express their emotions. The boys seldom talk about their grief. They will tell me when the other brother is having a rough day….

 Jared was very concerned about how his little brother would cope with his first birthday without his Mom. He went to great measures to ensure that his little brother was “protected” from the grief on his birthday. He blew up 40 balloons so Jon-Daniel would wake up to “fun”. (Vic always had lots of balloons on the boys birthdays.)

 The firsts are coming fast and furious now. The first birthdays, prize giving’s, confirmations without their Mommy… Jared and my birthdays, Christmas and New Year is looming…

 I love the boys with every fibre in my body. I hate that they occasionally walk in on me when I am crying. I hate that I cannot make their pain better. I hate that I am so helpless.

 I wish I had died and not Vic. I wish that I could change places with my child. I wish I could rip the heartache out of my grandsons’ lives and hearts. I wish I could protect them.

 I wish I could shake the cold world out there and make them realise how much pain the boys are in….

Please pray for Vic’s boys. Pray that they will heal. Pray that God will hold and protect them. Pray that they will learn to be happy again. 

I pray that one day I will hear their happy, uncontrolled laughter echo through the house again.


https://tersiaburger.com/2013/03/20/i-love-you-angel-child/

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/09/18/the-shadow-of-grief/

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/09/11/your-children-are-not-your-children/

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/06/07/mommys-dream-is-coming-true/

26 thoughts on “The boys grief …

  1. Hard to like this post, I recognize the pain your g-sons are feeling but hiding, Klystas two boys are the same way they keep it buried deep and only occasionally open up. It tears my heart out that I can’t help them. hugs and prayers for all of you.

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  2. Oh Tersia, my heart goes out to you and your Grandsons. They sure are blessed to have you, if they can’t have Vic. You see their pain, and they know that. Sending hugs to you. God bring a peace that surpasses all understanding to the hearts of these boys. xo

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    1. I would never have survived Vic’s death if I did not have the boys. When they are with their dad I find it difficult to get out of bed… Thank you for caring and your gentle wishes for peace. Hugs!

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      1. I can’t say I understand as I know I’m not in your shoes, but keep fighting for Vic, and for her boys. It’s also okay to feel this horrible grief, cry as much as you need. I wish I could just be there to sit with you. Sending love and virtual hugs xo

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  3. On the 11th of October he posted on Vic’s Facebook page “Mommy, I miss you! When are you coming home?”

    This…

    I don’t even know you in real life. This breaks my heart.

    I don’t know you Tersia. May never meet you on this side of heaven. But I love you just the same.

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  4. Tersia, I understand your pain at not being able to take away theirs. I feel much the same way when I look at my kids, still reeling after their dad’s death not quite 6 months ago. They are young adults, in the process of building their lives, while striving to learn to live without their dad’s presence. The first time they saw me without him sent shards of pain through their hearts, I know. I know, too, that it pains them greatly to see me in such pain and be unable to make it better. So we all just keep on reaching out to one another, shoring one another up through this unbearable agony.

    Vic’s boys, and you, will be in my consciousness each day. And I’ll share with you the mantra that was given to me to use. “One breath, one heartbeat, one step”.

    Written in love and support~
    alison
    1/2 of Happily Homeless

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    1. I often think of you. Your blog read like a love story, and it must be very difficult for you to cope. Thank you for sharing your mantra and your gentle words. Much love and support to you dear cyberfriend.

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  5. What a mom, what a woman, your Vic; and you’re reminding me of how much Natalie needs me because so often I just want to be where Philip is. But to bring that suffering to her? We took the risk of having children and this deep grief is the other side of how deeply we love them.

    Hugs to you, Tersia…XOXOXO

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      1. A moment at a time, dear one; I’m standing behind you, helping you on. I know how you’ve helped – and help – me, because I see how you suffer and you do so much; and what a load you carry. You watched Vic suffer and how much worse does that make it all? See, she was as good a mom as she was because she had YOU to learn it from. You’re an amazing woman, Tersia. I can’t take this from you, but I’m grieving right along with you.

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    1. Thank you so much! I am doing some delightful reading at the moment. Done a bit of crying too. Many of your words are so familiar because I have read and reread it on your blog. But, seeing it in a different format, brings it home again. I admire you my strong, brave friend!! Much love

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  6. I have little experience with death. I know the feeling of losing someone though, which is as close as I can come. I haven’t spoken to family in years, but I know I can always try to reconnect. That option is not available in death. The depth of that pain is quite hard to comprehend. This post helped me understand just a little bit more.

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