Terminal Illness – Page 17 – Vic's Final Journey

Sunshine award!

Whoopee!!!! I have been nominated for a Sunshine Award by brave Katie Mitchell whose blog I follow slavishly! Katie suffers from a Connective Tissue Disorder, Marfan’s Disease. I have learned so much of this talented young person’s journey with pain and how it has affected her life. Katie’s mother also suffers from chronic pain so she knows both sides of the pain story… Thank you Katie for the nomination and for sharing your journey with us!

When I started my blog is was because I needed an outlet for all my pent-up emotions. It is difficult for me to articulate my emotions because I am scared that if I started crying I would not stop. It also bears my soul to the world so it was difficult at first. Every time, before I linked my post to FB, I would sit for a long time and wonder if I should allow family, friends and acquaintances to see my soul or whether I should remain anonymous in WordPress…. I am now comfortable with my FB link as it that I have received the most amazing support from old school friends, family and strangers. I have a new network of people, that care, that surrounds me.

I no longer feel embarrassed about posting – people have the choice to read my blog or ignore it. Thank you for your caring and support! This blog has become a dear friend and confidant!

But allow me to be brutally honest – I am thrilled about this nomination. I don’t know how it works but I mailed Katie and she gave me instructions…Thank you again brave Katie!

So according to Katie – here are the rules:

If you are nominated you must include the link in a blog, linking to the person/blog that nominated you.
You must answer some questions and nominate 10 fellow bloggers and link their blogs in your post.
Let the people you have nominated know that you have nominated them!

Here are the questions:

1. Who is your favorite philosopher?

Confucius without a shadow of a doubt!

2. What is your favorite number?

9 – I believe in the science of numerology the qualities of the number 9 are those of leadership, the ability to see clearly, integration, personal integrity, unity, truth, perfection and concord.

9 represents wisdom and responsibility, and the ultimate goal of the number 9 is to serve humanity.

9 represents human’s ‘earthly lesson’, which is ‘forgiveness’. Number 9 learns selflessness and compassion. People with the 9 energy work without motive. Their purpose is for the greatest good of all. They have a protective energy and they have great power and love in their soul. They will grow and learn throughout their lifetime tolerance, compassion, selflessness and generosity. There is a great strength of character within the 9 person, as well as wisdom, intuition and high idealism. There is also a great deal of warmth of feeling and love of home, family and friends.

3. What is your favorite animal?

Eagles!

Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks?

The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, the eagle sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it.

The eagle does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

We are all faced with the winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure, and disappointment in our lives. It is not the burdens of life that weigh us down, it is how we handle them.

The Bible says: “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.” Isaiah 40;31.

4. What are your facebook and twitter ?
https://www.facebook.com/tersia.m.burger

Twitter @Tersia912

5. What is your favorite time of day?

I am a night owl. I am not a morning person!

6. What was your favorite vacation (or ‘holiday’ as we say where I’m from)?

My honeymoon in Switserland and Germany in 1990. Everything was so magical.

7. What is your favorite physical activity?

Walking barefoot on the beach.

8. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?

Tea! I must have 15 cups of tea a day!

9. What is your favorite flower? For the life of me I cannot remember the name of my favorite flowers.

10. What is your passion?

My family, my work and the downtrodden.

My Ten Nominees:

I actually don’t know if I can only nominate 10 bloggers. All these bloggers have meant a lot to me. I have learnt from them. Some of them have given me great insight into Vic’s journey and http://ourlonggoodbye.wordpress.com transports me into an Assisted Living Facility and brings back memories of my Dad’s Alzheimers journey…. Trazy of ohwhatpain has given me great insight in pain. Here goes!

If you click on any of the links above, you will enter a different world that will enrich your life. Thank you to everyone who reads my blogs and puts up with my rambling, self centred emosions.

God’s Megaphone…….

C.S. Lewis says “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

For 37 years I have bargained with God. He alone knows of all my anguish, tears, pleading, my fears and pain. I am strong. I don’t cry easily or often. I have cried before God. Pleaded with Him for mercy.

He chose to ignore my pleas for mercy.

I have not been to Church in more than two years. I attended Marlene and then my Dad’s funeral. I went to one service at Reuben church. I have been angry with God….. Disappointed that the God of Mercy I learnt about from my parents’ knees does not exist. I have only experienced a God who has sentenced my child, and now my grandson, to a life of pain and suffering.

Today I attended the annual church fete. The arms that I have missed for more than 2 years enveloped me. Kisses rained on my cheeks. “I have missed you”, “We still pray for you and Vicky everyday of our lives”….. “It is so good to see you!”

The minister, Martin, hugged me and said “I think of you every day. We are always here for you….

I cried. I miss my church friends but I cannot go back for the wrong reasons.

I wondered tonight why the friendships did not last outside the confines of the church? I realized that our pain is too much for people to cope with. They hurt for me…..

But in the silence in our everyday lives is deafening…God’s megaphone has obviously not roused the deaf in our world…….

I wish I could tell you….

I wish I could tell you…..

I wish I could tell you….

I wish I could tell you,
About the depth of my pain,
It’s almost never-ending,
And hard to explain.

I wish I could tell you,
How broken I feel inside,
My body just hurts so much,
But it’s easy to hide.

I wish I could tell you,
I can’t function very well,
Difficult to get around,
But no one can tell.

I wish I could tell you,
But you wouldn’t understand,
That I often have to ask,
For a helping hand.

I wish I could tell you,
How I honestly feel,
But you wouldn’t believe me,
That this pain is so real…
http://janspoetryplace.webs.com/poemsofpain.htm

Rest-in-Peace, Tony Nicklinson – Brave Warrior!

Rest-in-Peace, Tony Nicklinson – Brave Warrior!.

Rest-in-Peace, Tony Nicklinson – Brave Warrior!

https://si0.twimg.com/profile_images/2304224406/sztkgif6qtuvel8chbbj.jpeg — Tony Nicklinson

When Tony Nicklinson’s legal team visited him two days after the high court decision, he communicated via computer by moving his eyes “So, we lost. In truth I am crestfallen, totally devastated and very frightened. I fear for the future and the misery it is bound to bring.

“I suppose it was wrong of me to invest so much hope and expectation into the judgment but I really believed in the veracity of the arguments and quite simply could not understand how anybody could disagree with the logic. I guess I forgot the emotional component.”

Nicklinson’s despair following last week’s ruling was evident to all, as he broke into sobs that shook his paralysed body. In a statement issued through his lawyers, he added: “I am saddened that the law wants to condemn me to a life of increasing indignity and misery.” http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/aug/22/tony-nicklinson-right-to-die-case?newsfeed=true

Today at 10:00 Tony Nichlinson died surrounded by his loved ones. His family said he simply gave up….. This supports my theory that death is actually a conscious decision. I have seen Vic turn back from death. It is not anything physical but in that second something changes! We all know of someone who has “held on” until a loved one walked in whilst others wait until their loved ones have left the room before they die. I have personally experienced this with my mom when she passed.

I take great comfort from all my research into Near Death Experiences.

First, published studies have shown that people who undergo cardiac arrest can recall specific memories and demonstrate consciousness. Second, during cardiac arrest, there is no measurable brain activity. “If you combine these two sets of data together, it indicates a need to do a large study to determine: is this real or not? Can this really be going on?”

Still, the explanation behind these events can be attributed to the complexity of the human mind, not, as some believe, a universal spiritual experience, or even a new realm of science.

“When you study mind and brain, you see that, although in many circumstances this practical model we have developed — mind and brain are the same thing — is fine, when you go to an extreme environment like during a cardiac arrest…they don’t seem to apply anymore,” says Parnia. “It may suggest that there’s something that hasn’t been discovered scientifically.”

Studies by Parnia and other researchers show that between 10 and 20 percent of who are resuscitated from cardiac arrest had a near-death experience (NDE). Various other studies show the frequency of near-death experience to be between 4 and 18 percent. The experience is typically described as a progression of stages. First, the person has a sense of peace, then a sense of separation from the body. The person then enters into darkness, and sees a bright light like the end of a tunnel. Finally, the person enters the light and interacts with an entity, described as God, Allah, or simply a universal cosmic force.

During the time that people report the feeling of detachment from their physical body, or an out-of-body-experience, they report a perception of floating above their body, or floating near the ceiling in the room where the experience occurs. http://www.popsci.com/sam-barrett/article/2008-10/first-few-minutes-after-death?page=1

The art of dying is the art of letting go. Our fear of death and letting go keeps us in fear of uncertainty and change, which are a natural part of life. Out of these fears we hold on to old beliefs which make us live in fear, misery and the idea of separation. Our fear of death is deeply repressed and usually unconscious. We are filled with fear and trepidation when a beloved dies, is terminally ill, or when we ourselves are challenged with illness, old age or a life threatening situation.

I am grateful that Tony Nicklinson’s suffering and misery has ended. He is at peace and I believe now truly lives in a healed body His suffering is over. I thank God for His Mercy.

Rest in peace Tony Nicklinson – brave warrior!

Today was a bad day

Vic and her boys Christmas 2011 — Christmas 2011

When you have a frozen abdomen from having 80+ abdominal surgeries, have a septic abdomen and septic prosthesis in your spine, suffer from Addison’s Disease and spend 24/7 in pain your world becomes very small. You also become well travelled as you have been to hell and back! Life gravitates around pain medication, more pain medication and hopefully some blissful sleep. Friends come and go. Spouses come and go. In an uncertain life it is a certainty that everybody eventually leaves.

So for the few of us that choose to stay around it is important to be sensitive to the emotions of the terminally ill person. Allow me to personalize this… It is important for us as a family to be sensitive to Vic’s feelings of abandonment.

Countless times a day Vic will say “Thank you Mommy for…….” “Thank you for looking after me”; “thank you for not leaving me”; “thank you for loving me” …… A child should never ever have to say that!

An adult child should rebel against the constraints of her parents rules and discipline and leave home. She leaves the safety of the home and comes back for Sunday lunches, to drop off laundry and bring a new love around to meet The Parents… Eventually the child will venture down the aisle, fall pregnant, christen her children, start running a car pool…. the list carries on and on. Eventually in large parts of the world the aged parents may move in with the now mature children and eventually die. I got married, left home, had Vic, got divorced, bought a new house, started my own business, remarried and eventually my Dad came to live with us for 18 months until he forgot how to breathe. Not once in my adult life did I ever consider moving back home to my parents. As an adult, wife and mother I often longed for the safety of my childhood home. I long for just ONE day in my life without responsibilities. I long to be a child again – carefree and cherished…. I miss my mom and wish I had her support and advice to get us through this difficult journey.

My sister and I discussed the way our lives had turned out. She has had an extremely challenging life and I seem to go from one crisis to another. We decided that we used up all our good luck and happiness as children…. I want to be a child again!

As usual I digress.

Vic is emotionally fragile. She fears that the remaining few people will also get tired of her ill health and pained life and abandon her. She fears that the boys will abandon her and look to us, the grandparents, for parenting. She fears losing the only “position” in life that she has left – the position of “Mother”. It has been very difficult to sacrifice her independence and move home. She has gone from being a wife to being a child. She has gone from being the mother to being mothered. I am a typical parent. I want to protect my little baby…. I want to do everything for her. I want to wrap her up in cotton wool and keep her resting in her bed. Maybe if she takes things easy it will buy us some extra time… If she is in bed her chances of injury is less.

Every day of her life countless indignities are heaped upon her. She is dependant for everything from medication, care, food and money. Poor poppet! Death is always in the foreground of her mind. Either fear of dying and at times fear of not dying.

I don’t really know what I set out to articulate in this blog but writing has once again reminded me what a pitiful life Vic has. My poor, poor little baby! No-one in the world deserves her life! But we will never abandon her – ever!

Today was a bad day – again.

“How to Die In Oregon”

“How to Die In Oregon”.

“How to Die In Oregon”

I just finished watching a program called “How to Die in Oregon“. I am in total awe of the terminally ill people who make the decision to die with dignity. People often say that it is a coward who commits suicide. I don’t agree. I think people must be so brave to do it!!

There is however a huge difference between suicide, assisted suicide and euthanasia.

Assisted suicide

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia

Assisted suicide is the common term for actions by which an individual helps another person voluntarily bring about his or her own death. “Assistance” may mean providing one with the means (drugs or equipment) to end one’s own life, but may extend to other actions. It differs to euthanasia where another person ends the life. The current waves of global public debate have been ongoing for decades, centering on legal, religious, and moral conceptions of “suicide” and a personal “right to death“. Legally speaking, the practice may be legal, illegal, or undecided depending on the culture or jurisdiction

Suicide

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia

For other uses, see Suicide (disambiguation).

Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, “to kill oneself”) is the act of intentionally causing one’s own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which can be attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder,schizophrenia, autism spectrum disorders, alcoholism, or drug abuse.^[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal often play a significant role.^[2]

The TV documentary, “How to Die in Oregon” is the tender and poignant story of Cody Curtis, a 54 year old, dignified, lady, who is diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. Cody, early in her final journey decides that pain strips one from the ability to make rational decisions. She decides that she will not suffer the indignity of living with loss of control of her bodily functions. She desires a “tidy death”. Her journey takes her way past her “expiry date” and she muses “People are waiting for me to die. I do not understand why I am feeling so good”.

Her decline into intolerable pain and discomfort is sudden. “Compassion and Choices” sends in volunteers to counsel and assist with the final act of assisted suicide. Cody’s final journey is gentle, beautiful and “easy”.

Every time I say those terrible words “Vic is better” it is as if I place a curse on my poor child. Poor Vic did not have a good day today. Isn’t it amazing that 400mg of Morphine does not help for a headache! It actually takes something like Grandpa’s or a Migraine Kit to help….

Vic and I sat chatting tonight. She too had watched “How to Die in Oregon” and wanted to know how I would feel if she ever took a similar decision. She cried and said that she is so sad and lonely. She feels that the boys no longer trust her to “mother” them.

It is not the case. What the boys have however started doing is setting her free….

How would I feel? I would be devastated if Vic ever passed before I do. I would miss her every second of my remaining life. I would respect her wishes. I would honor her memory and heart wrenching decision.

Nobody can begin to comprehend the pain that Vic suffers. Nobody can comprehend that she drifts from one pain filled day to the next. If she lived an extra month or two months it would be another month or two months of pain. That is a lot of pain.

I know that this post will elicit a lot of condemnation and criticism. When you have walked just ONE mile in our moccasins you may speak….

LEFT WANTING

Wanting

A place to rest

Seeking

A hand to hold

Needing

Quiet inside my head

Longing

For friendly smiles

Dreaming

Of peacefulness

Thinking

Of futures untold

Wanting

A place to rest

http://hastywords.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/left-wanting/#respond

The right to die

Did God intend for man or woman to “live” connected to machines to keep them breathing? People accept the death of a six-year-old child by aerial bombardment or economic sanctions and defend the life of a six-week-old fetus. I personally live in a country where children still die from inadequate medical care and hunger.

via The right to die.

“The right to die”

After Vic’s Dad spent a week in ICU, ventilated and bleeding from his eyes, she signed the documents to allow the doctors to turn off the ventilator. Tienie was an organ donor. We were allowed to say our goodbyes and then the transplant team swept in. Sometime later the machines were switched off and Tienie was officially declared dead…..

Tienie lived life to the full. He believed sleep was a waste of time. He never sat still for a single minute. He loved life! He had a brilliant mind. He was articulate and well educated. He was a very proud man. If Tienie had lived he would have been condemned to “Locked-In Syndrome“. I remember standing next to his hospital bed thinking “What if that brilliant mind is trapped in a body that cannot communicate?”

Vic received a couple of letters from grateful recipients telling her what a difference Tienie’s organ’s had made to their lives.

On numerous occasions Vic has been on life support. We have been told to say our goodbyes. We said our goodbyes. Vic started breathing on her own…

Across the world people have prayed for Vicky’s life to be spared/saved. I have seen medical teams fight for her life refusing to let her slip into the arms of death. The bottom line is that doctors have played God in her life for many, many years. They decided when she was NOT allowed to die…

Doctors proclaim they do not want to play God…..They will fight day and night, for weeks on end, to save a very sick person’s life regardless of the individual’s wishes and quality of live. Doctors and Governments assume the right to decide when a sick person may die. God surely did not intend people to live a miserable life… Just yesterday Britain’s High Court rejected an attempt by a man who has locked-in syndrome to overturn the country’s euthanasia law by refusing to legally allow doctors to end his life.

Tony Nicklinson had a stroke in 2005 that left him unable to speak or move below his neck. He requires constant care and communicates mostly by blinking, although his mind has remained unaffected and his condition is not terminal. Locked-in syndrome is a rare neurological disorder where patients are completely paralyzed, and only able to blink. Patients are conscious and don’t have any intellectual problems, but they are unable to speak or move……

“The suicide, the mystic, the woman who seeks an abortion, the cancer patient who smokes a joint (the cancer patient’s long-suffering lover who smokes a joint)—all are roundly condemned for their escape from “responsibility” but truly feared for their escape from jurisdiction. It is a fear with a long and traceable history. The Roman emperor Tarquin crucified the bodies of citizens who committed suicide in order to escape his tyranny. When Margaret Sanger began her campaign for birth control, she was accused of permitting women to escape their God-ordained sorrow in bearing children.” http://harpers.org/archive/2005/02/0080411

We live in a world filled with hypocrites and people with double standards. I have said it before – people take the moral high ground and assume the role of God. Did God intend for man or woman to “live” connected to machines to keep them breathing? People accept the death of a six-year-old child by aerial bombardment or economic sanctions and defend the life of a six-week-old fetus. I personally live in a country where children still die from inadequate medical care and hunger.

It is not physician-assisted suicide that poses the greatest threat to the poor and the disabled but physician-assisted eternal life: Rich people will pay a lot of money for illegally harvested organs… The poor, from a different continent, will sell their organs to buy seed for their farms….

The World Trade Centre – did the jumpers commit suicide or were they murdered? According to most religions the jumpers will go to hell because they took a life – albeit their own…. How stupid!!!!

It is my personal opinion that Tony Nicklinson has been sentenced to a Life of Disability rather than being allowed “Death with Dignity.” He cannot wipe his own nose, wipe a tear from his eyes, scratch his ear….. He cannot control his bodily functions. He cannot even take a lethal dose of medication.

I pray that God will have mercy on me and allow me the time, mobility and clarity of mind to end my life rather than live the indignity and miserable life that Tony Nicklinson has been condemned too.

God have mercy!

Cannabis and Pain Control 14.8.2012

Cannabis_sativa_plant_(2) — http://citydesk.freedomblogging.com/files/2011/04/bud.jpg

Today was a terrible day. The pain Clinic was crazy! I have never seen so many people waiting to see the Professor.

When you are sitting in a queue for hours with people you meet every 28 days, you get to know the fellow patients. But today there were two new faces. An attractive young woman and her tired looking mother. They appeared to not be very cultured or refined people. The young woman was the sister of a patient who, like Vic, is too ill to come to the Pain Clinic. His sister (S) and mother (M) are his proxy’s.

S became very agitated because she was told – “no appointment, no consultation, no prescription”. She actually used some choice language! She kept saying “It is not for me. I actually don’t care….”

She however bullied the nurse into agreeing to allow the unscheduled appointment. But it was a long wait and S, I suspect, is a little ADD. She was babbling about her brother and his pain and the sacrifices that the family had made after the brother’s motorbike accident. At one stage of the monologue she said “Sometimes I just think I must give him some poison….”

Holy Moses!! It flashed through my mind “What type of person is this?”….

I was intrigued by the personality so I started chatting to her. All it took was one or two questions and a flood of emotions and words poured out of them. Sitting there I realized that I blog and that is what she was doing… S was blogging…..verbally.

She started telling their sad story. Brother had been involved in a motorbike accident and spent weeks in ICU, ventilated and suffering some brain damage, severe nerve damage and lots of fractures. He spent many months in hospital and gangrene developed in his leg. His leg was amputated but the gangrene spread and this lead to 3 further amputations! The mother said if she had known how he was going to suffer she would have prayed for him to die.

A small percentage of amputees suffer from phantom pain. “Although the limb is no longer there, the nerve endings at the site of the amputation continue to send pain signals to the brain that make the brain think the limb is still there. Sometimes, the brain memory of pain is retained and is interpreted as pain regardless of signals from injured nerves.” http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/guide/phantom-limb-pain. Brother apparently squarely falls into this category.

Sister loudly proclaimed, for the world to hear, that she sometimes considers giving her brother enough morphine to end his misery. She believes that he is hanging onto life until his insurance claim pays out so he has something to leave his children…

The mother is taking care of her son. It is obvious that her life has come to an end. I see the despair in her eyes when she says “He doesn’t sleep. Yesterday he threw his crutch at me…..”

Sister then whispers, in a conspiratorial manner, “We buy him lots of extra medication”

I asked them whether they had ever considered giving him cannabis. “Oh yes” they said. “We made him tea and he hated it!”

“It is better if he smokes it” I said

I looked around and saw shock and surprise register on everyone’s faces. I could see them think “How can this (sweet) middle aged, conservative, Afrikaans speaking lady even know about cannabis?”

Well, I do know about cannabis. I have researched every single aspect and possible pain management method and product and my research includes the effect of cannabis on pain relief.

Marijuana helped reduce pain in people suffering spinal cord injury and other conditions. In this study, 38 patients smoked either high-dose or low-dose marijuana; 32 finished all three sessions. Both doses reduced neuropathic pain from different causes. Results appear in the Journal of Pain.
Medium doses of marijuana can reduce pain perception, another study found. Fifteen healthy volunteers smoked a low, medium, or high dose of marijuana to see if it could counteract the pain produced by an injection of capsaicin, the ”hot” ingredient in chili peppers. The higher the dose, the greater the pain relief. The study was published in Anesthesiology. http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20100218/medical-marijuana-has-merit-research-shows

A couple of years ago I bought some cannabis and put it in brownies for Vic to eat. She hated it. I gave her some to smoke. She hated the effect that it had on her. I know it is illegal. Personally I have never smoked or eaten the stuff so I do not know what effect it has on people. I have read, in 100’s of publications that it reduces the pain perception and can stop the devastation of Alzheimer’s.

I will stop at absolutely nothing to relieve my childs pain.

I then had a light-bulb moment – I realized that the mother and daughter were no different to me. They know the heart wrenching despair of caring for a loved one who has indescribable pain. They too pray for their loved one to find peace and release in death. They will also do anything to relieve the pain of their loved one.

I just have an extra layer of veneer

Skin to Bone 13.8.2012

Skin to Bone 13.8.2012.

Skin to Bone 13.8.2012

This morning, when I checked the BBM status’ of my loved ones, Jared had the lyrics to Linkin Park‘s “Skin to Bone” as his status. I did not realize that it was a song’s lyrics and wondered about the weird status. Normally his status says something like “I love my beautiful Jelly Tot” or “Kirsten, my one and only”

After school, while we were waiting for Jon-Daniel to finish cricket practice, he asked me whether I had heard the song, “Skin to Bone”, before. Obviously I hadn’t but even if I had, I doubt if I would have been able to distinguish the words from the loud musical arrangement….I am not the greatest Linkin Park fan in the world!

He spoke about the lyrics and I asked him whether the song reminded him of his Mom. He said “I suppose so. When I first heard the words I thought of Mom”

Back home I downloaded the lyrics.

Linkin Park — Skin To Bone

Skin to bone, steel to rust

Ash to ashes dust to dust

Let tomorrow have it’s way

With the promises we made

Skin to Bone, steel to rust.

Ash to ashes, dust to dust

Your deception, my disgust

When your name is finally drawn,

I’ll be happy that you’re gone

Ash to ashes, dust to dust.

Chorus:

(Aaah) Ash to ashes, dust to dust

(Aaah) Skin to bone and steel to rust

Right to left, left to right

Night to day and day to night

As the starlight fades to grey,

I’ll be marching far away

Right to left and left to right

Chorus:

(Aaah) Ash to ashes, dust to dust

(Aaah) Skin to bone and steel to rust

Let tomorrow have it’s way

With the promises betrayed

Skin to bone and steel to rust (x3)

“Skin to bone“, represents her frail body to him. “Steel to steel” her steely hold on life! Her refusal to give up. “Ashes to ash, dust to dust”….. the inevitable

“The promises we made” I would imagine the promise that he envisages is the unspoken promise that a parent makes at the conception of the child….. to love and hold the child – until death do them part… The promise is not supposed to end in his early teens.

“Your deception, my disgust…..” relates to his feelings of betrayal. In a way he perceives his Mom’s ill health as a betrayal. His Mom is not supposed to be this ill and suffer the way she does. Vic was supposed to be a healthy Mom. Their lives were supposed to be “normal.” “My disgust” …. the despair of his life…..Anger for his mother’s suffering! Disgust with the medical system failing her. Anger for the OI gene. He is unable to understand all the “why’s”.

“When your name is finally drawn,

I’ll be happy that you’re gone

Ash to ashes, dust to dust.”

Jared absolutely adores his mother. He often says “Oumie, I don’t want Mommy to die.” I have however seen the sheer helplessness in his eyes when he sees her suffering the way she does. I know that Jared too longs for his mother to be at peace, without pain – Her spirit freed from her frail, pain wretched body. So my precious grandson joins the song and broken hearted sings along with Linkin Park

“I’ll be happy that you’re gone. Ash to ashes, dust to dust….”

Mommy I broke my Back!!

Mommy I broke my Back!!.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

LEFT WANTING

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: