Vicky constantly says “sorry Mommy.” She says “sorry Mommy” when she vomits, when she is in pain, when she is ill…
Then there is a flood of “thank you’s”….. Vic says “thank you” all the time! It drives me mad! I don’t want her to apologize for being ill and I don’t want her to continuously thank me.
Vic’s situation, our situation as a family, is unfair, arbitrary, frustrating and so sad. Vic is blameless, helpless, a victim of poor sick genes and doctor error.
I know that Vic is sad about her situation. I know that Vic is sad for what the family is going through. She is sad because she cannot be the mother she wants to be. She is sad that she has a lonely, sad life devoid of partner love, physical love and friendships not based on pity. She sad because she does not have a social life and neither do we as a family. Vic is sad that she is dying in the prime of her life. Vic is sad that she has achieved so little in her life (by her standards only).
We no longer have lunches with friends, outings or holidays. Life has ground to a slow, agonizing halt… Vic floats from one pain filled day in bed to the next. When she has a good and busy day, like yesterday, she pays the price for weeks. Vic has not been out of bed today. She is deadly pale and drawn.
It is hard for her not having privacy. Vic is embarrassed that I hold her hair or wipe her face when she is vomiting. Yet she needs me with her….
We are however in this together as a family. It is a rough journey for everyone.
“I am so sorry Mommy…” …it echoes through my heart.
“I love you my angel” I whisper….