Sue came in this morning and managed to find a vein. The vein held for the Perfalgan and she also managed to get a bag of saline into Vic. This will hopefully rehydrate her. It has been a rough 24 hours with so much vomiting. The poor child…
We hooked the saline onto a hanger and it now hangs from her ceiling. Leon, SiL, put a hook into her ceiling and we have suspended the drip from it. I have to keep the drip flowing until 12pm tonight when I can run another lot of Perfalgan. Tomorrow Sue will try to find another vein.
I suggested that Vic is mainlined or a stent is fitted. Sue agreed that it would certainly make life a lot easier. It would be easier to administer all Vic’s IV medication. Vic said “Sorry Mommy, no hospitals…”
Her heart rate, even whilst she is sleeping, is constantly above 110.
The IV medication immediately helped. Vic’s breathing is better. Vic has not vomited since 11 am this morning! She even managed to have a bit to eat tonight.
When Sue left today she asked me what is holding Vic back. Medically and clinically speaking there is no explanation why Vic is still alive…. She said that she has never seen anybody fight death the way Vic does… She asked me whether we have given Vic permission to die…
Sue says that Vic still says we are going to Italy next year…. Her kidneys and liver have failed. That is what the blood tests show.
What is holding Vic back? Sue says death happens when one relaxes completely and deeply! Vic’s adrenaline levels are preventing her from relaxing and dying.
All I want is for my little girl to find peace and her suffering to end.
Esther and Leon brought dinner tonight and just visited. Vic even got out of bed for a while and had a laugh. It was great being surrounded by the love of the family.
I wish I knew what to do to make Vic accept the inevitable. I wish with every fibre of my body Vic will find peace. That she will find the strength to let go…
Vic has been ill for such a long time. Maybe she just thinks this is how life is. Maybe she cannot remember what it is like to feel good, go out, be carefree, move without pain. To play with her kids, go out for drinks or a movie with a friend.
On Christmas Eve Siza said to Vic “I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place”….
Here On Earth …, There In Heaven…
Here on earth imperfection, there in heaven perfection
Here on earth discontent, there in heaven content
Here on earth disgrace, there in heaven grace
Here on earth disease, there in heaven ease
Here on earth hatred, there in heaven love
Here on earth war, there in heaven peace
Here on earth decay, there in heaven freshness
Here on earth selfish, there in heaven selfless
Here on earth oppression, there in heaven liberty
Here on earth agonize, there in heaven relax
It’s either on earth, or in heaven
The decision, all yours
Obed Akuma
Baby Girl it is time for Heaven… You have to let go!
Vic's Final Journey 
Mother’s love…….yours willing to let go….and hers more concerned for her boys now than herself…… Bless you all, I am deeply moved and humbled by the love In every word you write
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Joanne thankl you for your kind words.
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This is so very hard for all of you. I have no adequate words.
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Let go and let God … as you do, maybe your precious daughter can do too…With all the caring and nurturing you do, I hope you have time for yourself.
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Dearest Tersia,
There is a statement I have made many times. It is: “I believe it is far better to lose someone by death than to see them suffer.”
I wondered why I said that, since I have never witnessed terrible suffering of a loved one on a scale minutely close to yours. But even imagining suffering was so horrible that it caused me to believe this. To me death represents peace, the ultimate escape from the horror of physical agony.
What I find so touching about your story is your honesty and intense love. You love your daughter so much that you cannot bear her suffering a moment longer. She loves you and her sons so much that she cannot bear to die and leave this earth.
But from afar, I see that Vicky has made an important choice for herself. She has chosen not to go to a hospital for a main line. That represents a decision not to extend her suffering and to be at home spending every precious moment with her family. Avoiding a hospital doesn’t sound like Vic wants to hang around any longer than necessary. She will let go when she is ready.
As her caregiver, you have absorbed so much suffering. You cannot bear to witness her die because you are in a place of fear. Death is unknown and there is so much fear around what we do not know.
Don’t let fear consume you, Tersia. The inevitable is coming and you cannot rush it. It is there for all of us, but most people prefer not to think about it.
When my child died, I did not have any of the clarity that you have. I was not willing to let him go. Saying goodbye is just so difficult!
Breathe slowly and stay as calm as possible. Blanket yourself with abundant love sent from all over the world.
You and Vic are an inspiration to so many people, and especially to me. I will never forget you.
Love, Judy
p.s. Here’s another thing that blows my mind, it’s the humor again. The picture where they both mention they would have had their hair done is worth a million words.
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she will go when she is ready. i think you are right that she is so used to fighting that she doesn’t know how to stop. i cannot imagine what this is like for you and i just want to send hugs to you both.
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I agree = lots of hugs for you and for Vic. May the presence of God be very close to you both at this time and also to the rest of the family. May the New Year bring peace to all.
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Your pages are so honest (I am scared), so raw. I truly, truly wish you the best :
¸.•*¨*•. ♪♫♫♪Happy New Year to you, Tersia & your whole family .♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸
˜”*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°•.★★.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜” & wishing for you, what you wish this year.♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸
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A smiling Vic – precious. She is so remarkable, and you also. God bless.
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I so agree with IGrandmabean about the love in both of you. I have to go for a couple of days to somewhere where I can’t get on the pc, but I will be thinking of you all.
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Years ago, I was with my brother Kysa as he was dying. He fought and fought against it. He wanted to live so desperately. We tended to him as best we could. I distinctly remember the moment when he looked at us and said “I’m ready. Help me lay down”. His hospital bed, at home with hospice, was in the up position. We helped him lie down, and it was from that moment on that his struggle started. He was emotionally ready, but his heart was still strong. The overwhelming feeling I had through the next 8 hours was that I was a cheerleader, cheering him on as he ran the race of his life. I just kept on saying to him “Come on, Kysa, you can do it!”. I read, afterwards, about after death experiences, and felt that I’d had one when I was with him as he was dying, because it felt like I was able to go right up to the veil with him, lift it-and then I had to step back because this was his, not mine. The strangest thing was that, after he’d died, of all things I felt, the one that was strongest, was pride. Pride that he’d put everything he had into it, and he’d won. I felt such joy for him. It took me a long time to understand the whole experience.
Be blessed, you and Vic and your family~
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What about acetaminophen supps to control the pain, dimenhydrinate supps for nausea and clysis – fluid given subcutaneously – no need to find a vein. Nicholas had a central line and received blood products at home. You are “following” your daughter, and being there, where she is, because this is all about her and what she needs.
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I cannot fathom the faith and courage it would take for me to gently encourage my child to let go. Vic is a miracle, living so long. And, from these pictures, she at least looks happy. Perhaps if you each tell her it’s alright to die, she will. That’s what happened with my husbands grandmother. Once all her family each told her, she went.
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