Today it is exactly six weeks since my precious child died. It has been such a rollercoaster ride.
I have gone from feeling numb and “accepting” to the deepest pit of despair and sorrow. I have gone back to working and trying to live a “normal” life again. I have laughed and cried. I have learnt to keep my sorrow to myself.
I have however had days this week where the sadness overwhelmed me. I have felt that I am drowning in it. The house is empty. I miss Vic’s smile. I miss her hugs. I miss our chats and text messages. I miss her smell and touch. I miss my daughter and friend.
It is a mere 6 weeks, and I don’t know whether I will ever heal. I know it is early days, but I also know my heart.
Judy Unger sent me these words and today I am posting it because it articulates EXACTLY how I felt this past week. Thank you Judy! It is as if the realization of Vic’s death only hit home this week….
I MISS MY CHILD!!!!!!!!MY TEARS FILLED AN OCEAN Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger When you died my tears filled an ocean I was violently submerged, gasping and barely able to stand the shock Swirling in a raging current, a current of time I was paralyzed and choking, wanting to drown, but unable to sink The current dragged me along. It seemed endless . . . Soon all my energy was gone. Anger at my fate depleted me further I was going to somewhere unknown. The journey was filled with horror I tried not to look while fighting to escape from the endless drift Exhaustion led to floating. The current kept moving Fighting it was useless; there was no going back to where I began…
8 thoughts on “Drowning in grief”
Oh Tersia – I send you so much love. Julie
My heart goes out to you Tersia.
Tersia…there are no words that can take away the sorrow—it is the depth of your love for your daughter that creates this chasm within you…but one day…you will rise up and live her spirit …for her and for her sons [your grandsons] and for you and for the world….there will always be that part of you that is somewhere beside you in the universe…she has not left you…she is there in your grief and loss…she needs you to go on and you will…and you will be her light for your grandchildren…it will take time…much time…but little by little….you will transform your sorrow into comfort…the comfort of knowing how she loved you and how you now carry that comforting love for yourself and others on….you are such a courageous Mother !
Oh, Tersia! I am so, so sorry for your anguish. Your soul has been amputated and you are watching your life blood pouring from you! Just remember, my poem has three parts and that is only the first part. One day, you will live all of those parts. For now, know that many people are crying along with you; wishing they could ease your pain – myself included. The hole left when our child dies is a chasm that is deep and dark. I know you trust that you will get through it, but when you are in hell it is hard to believe that. Just hang on to those that love you. There are so many!
I am so sorry. There are no magic words, and time become an evil nemesis that makes the pain worse and better together. My heart goes out to you.
Every tear I cry, there is another eye
somewhere that weeps and cries too
for every day my heart breaks anew,
there is another heart somewhere breaking too
For every “why my child” I scream, there is another voice
somewhere that screams ‘noooo, not mine too’
copyright Len Willams~Carver 2012
There is no longer “normal” in your life Tersia
As each day, month or year passes, it does not get easier
You just get stronger and with that coping skills enhance.
Let it go my friend, go to the restroom at work and let it out
set in your car in a parking lot of the grocery let it out
take a walk, drive to the woods, lake or beach
set in your backyard and look at the stars …let it out
go to her room, hold her photo, do what ever it takes
to let it out … just let it out for you can never let go
Keeping it in will make you insane more than you are
blog about here, write whatever you want rant rave curse
or cry we your friends will be right here helping you to get by.
Love and prayers (((hugs)))
Hugz, love, thoughts, prayers…..
So deeply sorry. So much sorrow and all from a botched back operation? That is a tragedy! I don’t have the words to express my sorrow and pain for you.
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