“Who is it that loves me and will love me forever with an affection which no chance, no misery, no crime of mine can do away? It is you, Mother” Thomas Carlyle
Tag: Art
Drowning in grief
Today it is exactly six weeks since my precious child died. It has been such a rollercoaster ride.
I have gone from feeling numb and “accepting” to the deepest pit of despair and sorrow. I have gone back to working and trying to live a “normal” life again. I have laughed and cried. I have learnt to keep my sorrow to myself.
I have however had days this week where the sadness overwhelmed me. I have felt that I am drowning in it. The house is empty. I miss Vic’s smile. I miss her hugs. I miss our chats and text messages. I miss her smell and touch. I miss my daughter and friend.
It is a mere 6 weeks, and I don’t know whether I will ever heal. I know it is early days, but I also know my heart.
Judy Unger sent me these words and today I am posting it because it articulates EXACTLY how I felt this past week. Thank you Judy! It is as if the realization of Vic’s death only hit home this week….
I MISS MY CHILD!!!!!!!!
MY TEARS FILLED AN OCEAN Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger When you died my tears filled an ocean I was violently submerged, gasping and barely able to stand the shock Swirling in a raging current, a current of time I was paralyzed and choking, wanting to drown, but unable to sink The current dragged me along. It seemed endless . . . Soon all my energy was gone. Anger at my fate depleted me further I was going to somewhere unknown. The journey was filled with horror I tried not to look while fighting to escape from the endless drift Exhaustion led to floating. The current kept moving Fighting it was useless; there was no going back to where I began…
the weight in my bones.
This beautiful poem was posted by Aarthi – http://sickocean.wordpress.com on 24SaturdayNov 2012. Aarthi is an exceptional poet who often moves me to tears. Thank you Aarthi for sharing your amazing talent with us. I encourage everyone to visit Aarthi’s blog. It is filled with so much raw emotion.
The Weight In My Bones
like bridges made
of concrete ropes
ripping through my existence
keeping me earthly bound
so sturdy yet unchangeable a part
i am all heavy with matter contained
i try and bend yet
the break never happens
like a deeper strength holding me
pain prevents a shattering noise
the water in me weighs more
than what gives me a shape
this will is fragile
and a regret pulls me down
purposes unsolved
promises broken
a thousand images shattered
everything that i never said
all remains in unwalked places
the pores in my soul
each window was blocked
in persistent steps, in days and years and decades
leaving all weight like
ashes of a past trapped
so diseased i feel at times
lifeless like a fallen twig
and the feeling weighs me deep
deeper than skin and all the soft human matter
i feel it in my bones
like i am bond to a mountainous stone
so welded inside with a belief
perhaps i may never be able to sleep
This poignant poem was written by a very gifted poet D.L.McHale. When I read it I wondered if this is what is going through my child’s mind. When you have a spare moment please visit the blog http://dlmchale.com. It will be a worthwhile visit! http://dlmchale.com
My dreams are fermented delusions
A kaleidoscope of meandering falls
Through time and space, while the
Screams of my inflictions penetrate
And annihilate my grip on reality.
My waking hours, of which few remain,
Adds another layer of darkness to an
Already bleak existence, while the light
Of relentless self-reflection blinds me to
Any hope of reprieve or absolution.
I stand with one foot in the grave
And the other hobbled by uncertainty.
I do not fear this final step into the abyss
So much as I dread the act of departure;
The inglorious gasp of a final breath
Inhaling the petrichor of a wasted life.
A silent scream rattles from my gut
Cursing the sun of a new day rising.
I cannot bear another savage stroke
From a Sun that fails to warm me.
Let the final night descend and into
Death’s warm embrace enfold my soul.
Vic's Final Journey 