Posted in A Mother's Grief, Angels, Chronic Pain, Death, Death of a child, Family, Grief, Terminal Illness, Vicky Bruce

I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!!


Yesterday morning I teared up – again.  Danie asked “And now?  What’s wrong?”

“Just missing Vic” I said

“Shame” he said with sadness in his voice.  “I miss her too”

We spoke about how my grief had changed over the past four months.  Today it is exactly four months since my precious child died.  I keep using the words “death and died” and not the gentler “passed”…  I do that because death is harsh.  My child DIED, she is DEAD.  My pain is as real as it was 4 months ago.  My grief is however no longer as transparent as it was to the world.

Four months ago when Vic died my body physically hurt.  My heart was physically aching.  The pain was new.  Now my grief is in me, part of me as if it is a limb or organ…  My grief is hidden from the world. If I did not tell you, you would never know.

To the world – I seem to have adjusted to the loss of my child.  I am “functioning, smiling, carrying on with life”… People are so relieved that they no longer have to cope with my raw grief…

Earlier tonight I read this on Facebook –https://www.facebook.com/TheGrievingParent

“I never knew my mind could be dominated by a single thought every day for years and still not get in the way of the progress of my life. The hands on the clock continue to turn, and the sun rises every morning. 

Even though the grief is not on the surface, the missing is as strong as it ever was. We can’t explain it, but we want to share it. We might not break down, but the strength of the grief never fades.”

We just keep on living with it and do the best we are able to do.”

I miss Vic more today than I did four months ago.  I keep looking at photographs of the past couple of years so I can REMEMBER her suffering; I re-read my blog to REMEMBER her suffering; I keep trying to find solace in the fact that she is pain-free.  It is becoming more difficult to see the positive side of Vic’s death.   My mind is blocking out the horror of her suffering!  I am remembering the good times only.

I hear you say “It is good”  No, It is not good!  If I forget her suffering I will never accept the “need for her to die” element of Vic’s death.

The night that haunts my sister
The night that haunts my sister

My sister shared her heartbreak with me…She said that one night when she slept with Vic she woke up to hear Vic talking to me.  She said Vic was crying and saying “Mommy I am so sore.  I can’t do this anymore”  Lorraine said she kept her eyes shut and pretended to sleep because she could not deal with the moment… Why am I forgetting??????  On the 13th of November I posted “Will my poor baby’s hell ever end?  If there is a lesson to be learnt PLEASE God show me what it is so I can learn it!!  This has come to an end!” https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/13/signposts-for-dying/

I want my child back with me. I want to hold her, tell her I love her.  I want to hear her footsteps in the passage; I want to hear her voice…

I WANT MY CHILD BACK!

Author:

I am a sixty something wife,mother, sister, grandmother and friend. I started blogging as a coping mechanism during my beautiful daughter's final journey. Vic was desperately ill for 10 years after a botched back operation. Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child. https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com

45 thoughts on “I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!!

  1. you are so right when you say people don’t know how to deal with raw pain/grief that is ongoing. i think it is more than that, the saying life goes on is cliche but true. we still have to get up in the morning and go to work and do the mundane/routine things that life demands. our hearts and minds need to do these things to keep us from turning into a body in the fetal position never to get up again.

    i don’t believe there is a “reason” for death. i do believe that someone like vic who has suffered for so many years has earned the eternal rest. she gave all she had to the people she loved and now she needs the kind of love that says just that.

    what you have lost can not be replaced and like an arm or a leg you will always know that loss. unlike lossing a limb it is not visible to others. i just know that she was as sorry to leave you as you are to have her leave. all i can think is she deserved to know what it is to not suffer.

    i am so sorry that there are no “right” words, if there were i would say them to you every day. sending big warm hugs and wishes for peace of heart.

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    1. My dear friend what kind words of advice and great wisdom. Your words that Vic “earned eternal rest” truly struck a cord. Thank you!! I know that you speak from a position of personal knowledge. I wish I could make your life better/healthier. Lots of love dear friend.

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    1. What an amazing compassionate friend you are. You carry so many scars and pain of you own and your gentle heart makes you say “I wish I could help you carry your grief” I am in awe of you. Thank you dear friend.

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  2. I know how you feel though who passed away were my grandparents, my eldest sister and brother in law. Their memories are etched in my mind except my eldest sister :-(

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  3. Not a day will go by that you won’t feel this way Tersia, not a brreath you take will be as it “used to be, you know the ‘before'”. forgetting her suffering is not an option you will always remember but please do not try to keep the rawness alive within yourself that is not good for you physically or mentally. No, there is no reason or explanation to be given that you will ever understand as to why ‘the need” for Vic to die, but she did and you must go on. I give you hugs my friend across the miles knowing that what you are experiencing is normal and that it is good that you have this way to verbalize the grief, there will come a day when you won’t talk about it as much to others or even here but the pain is still inside.
    I find that I can go a moment or two without thinking of Klysta then a nano-second of a thought and the pain punches me in the gut taking my breath and instantly tears and a lump appear, then I begin the process all over again. This is our life sentence for a crime we didn’t commit, all we did was bring beautiful children to the world and someone or something took them from us and that makes me angry.
    (((XX)))

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      1. It is just that and I can’t help but feel that when we get to heaven not only will we be with our beautiful daughters but we will have stars and jewels in our crowns for what we have endured here on earth. blessings my friend!

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      2. I agree! I think this is purgatory or even hell…nothing can be as bad or painful as losing one’s child. I am sure we will have stars and jewels in our crowns dear friend! Lots of love!! Tersia

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  4. Is awful you’re have to grapple with — is it worse to have Vic in agony day in and day out, or for Vic to have died? I’ve never been in your place, but I feel like you’re forgetting the feeling of watching her in agony some of the time because having to choose between the two is too cruel for the soul to process. All your soul wants is for Vic to be alive and free of pain. It shouldn’t have to choose. 😞
    I’m just curious, when people are talking to you, do you prefer it for people to say your daughter died or to say she passed or does it just not matter? I know you appreciate anyone supporting you, but does passed make you feel like they’re making it gentler than it was? I’ve never really liked “passed” myself.

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    1. “Passed” almost feels condescending… Death is harsh and I use the words “Die” and “death”. My child died. Died is final. “Passed” seems like something that was supposed to end. Vic was supposed to live. My soul wants Vic to live- free of pain. I feel that she was cheated out of living. Her little body died a long time even though she continued to breathe. There is more to living than breathing. Thank you for asking.

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  5. I sense some good strong anger Tersia. Healthy anger sweetie.(hope you do not mind me being so personal) I am never going to pretend I know what you are dealing with. Yet I know as I am sitting here typing this that you are dealing and coping with your deepest grief with far more grace & humility than a person should even have to.

    It is an unfair fact that your Vic became so ill, and unrighteous that her life was taken so soon. I think that is an awful lot of justification to be angry. I actually would have used a much stronger word than anger but I want this to be with great respect & honor.

    I wish you to always give yourself permission and the freedom to express what you need, when you need, and to whom. Or not. This is your child, your grief. You deserve very much the right to work through it your own way. In your own time.

    God Bless you Tersia, my heart is filled with thoughts of you today, Gentle hugs ~ BB

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  6. I cried with my partner when I read the blog a while back, and I have tears in my eye as I read this and sit and try to find words for you. I know you want to feel the suffering and pain, you want to share the pain. I know 2 sets of parents, close friends who say the same “I want to suffer as my child did so I can carry the burden also” And I get this.
    Last year I almost lost my son, he was dead, but he came back to us. In those moments where he was gone, I wanted to join him. It is so hard to explain Tersia. I stood and looked at my son, motionless and gone, and every fibre in my body wanted to take that from him or join him. If I was given the choice by God in these few moments, I would have been with him as he was gone.
    I am now crying more remembering how I felt. And I also feel your pain. I hope you find your way to live and we will never forget Vic. I live every moment awaiting a phone call about my son, I fear it every second of every day. I never blogged this, but he this has happened 4 times now, he was alone the 1st 3 times I was holding his hand the last time and I shouted at him “Open your damn eyes” and I screamed “God you f***** bring my son back now” My prayers were answered. I was one of the lucky ones Tersia. But I still end up back in that moment, in that room. And I ask God always, “Never again for Dean, take me please”
    I love you XX
    Hugs from far away x

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      1. I pray also..
        If I had a time machine….you know what I want to say to you xx

        Bigger Hugs x

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  7. Tersia, your pain and grief take my breath away. I wish I could grab a hold of you and hug it away. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through and feeling, but I think of you often and wish for the pain to lessen, even if just a bit. ((hugs))

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  8. Every cell of my body can feel/understand your anguish. It doesn’t make sense. It’s horrible, and it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! But it did, and it’s awful. So many hugs for you, my friend xoxoxoxo

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