Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one… Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.
Today we lit candles in remembrance of Vic dying 200 days ago. My mind keeps crying “No! It is not true!” The void in my heart and life shrieks “Yes, it is!”
I met with a new Hospice patient today. She is in her early 60’s, petite, bright, friendly, positive and so unbelievably brave! She is also in denial and dying.
“I believe I will wake up one morning and I will be healed!” she said
Her skin has discoloured from the chemo, her eyes are turmeric yellow and her belly is very extended. Her feet and legs are dreadfully swollen. I believe that she is close to death. Yet this incredible woman is determined to go to the office from the 12th of August until the 27th of August as her replacement is on leave then…. I doubt that she will live that long!
I sat there and it was déjà vu… It was as if I was listening to Vic planning next week, next month and next year…. I heard her husband encouraging her to write letters, finalising her will. I shared with them how Vic had labeled every piece of her jewellery, given strict instructions on what had to happen to her possessions, planned her own funeral…
“Am I correct when I say that I hear you saying your child died?” the patient asked.
“Yes” I said. “200 days ago today”
“I cannot believe that you can talk about your child’s death! You are smiling and look so normal” she said. “When our son died we could not talk about it. We cried all the time…”
“Death is not the enemy. I prayed for my child to die…” I said.
It is Sunday and if you follow my blog, you know that means I am showcasing a talented child. Ok, talented is understated but you will understand when you hear young Malacki sing. I hope you enjoy his voice as much as I did. I hope it raises you up all day long.
For the second time this year I considered closing down my blog. I have truly agonised about it.
I have thought about why I blog. I weighed up my options…
Close down the blog
Start a new blog
Post anonymously
Change the privacy settings on my blog
Stop blogging
I originally started blogging to document Vic’s journey. I am grateful that I did. There are days that I miss Vic so much that I would give anything to have her back. Now I am able to reread my words…..
Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain. I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks. I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die. I begged God to take away her suffering.
Now I remember her laugh, her eccentricities, her will to live, her strength of character, her mothering skills and most of all the fun times we spent together.
I am grateful for my blog. I am grateful for the love and companionship I found here. I am grateful for the advice from other bereaved mothers. I am grateful for the blogs of other mothers further down the road than I am – reading about their ongoing pain I know that I am not going mad…that my pain is “normal”.
I KNOW I am doing well.
I am grateful that I can come back here and remember who meant so much to my precious child in her last days. I am grateful that I have something to remember by because I can remember very little of Vic’s last week of living and the weeks that followed.
This blog is no longer about Vic’s journey. Her journey has ended. Vic’s Journey has become my journey. This blog is about my emotions, my thoughts, my life and honouring Vic’s memory and life.
I can “IGNORE” and “DELETE” written comments that may be controversial or offensive. I will not sensor my thoughts or emotions. This blog belongs to me. It is a coping mechanism and my support group… If people don’t like what I blog about they have the choice to “unfollow” me.
I ask that people who read my blog see my heart, my pain, my isolation in my grief. Allow me to mention my child’s name. I am never going to “get over her death.” I am not asking for sympathy or pity. Just the right to write my words and thoughts uncensored.
To all my cyber friends – Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for sharing this journey with the boys and I. I will continue to blog to honour my memories of my precious child. I want the world to know this brave young woman and her incredible battle to live.
Vic’s greatest fear was that she would be forgotten… I vowed to her that I would keep her memory alive. I blog for my child. I will not dishonour her battle by blogging anonymously. She wanted people to know, to learn, to grow out of her suffering. Vic was a beautiful human being filled with goodness and love. She deserves her story to be known.
Vic, I salute you my precious and beautiful child. I miss you with every fibre of my body. I promise you that you will never be forgotten.
Vic's Final Journey 