I just finished watching a program called “How to Die in Oregon“. I am in total awe of the terminally ill people who make the decision to die with dignity. People often say that it is a coward who commits suicide. I don’t agree. I think people must be so brave to do it!!
There is however a huge difference between suicide, assisted suicide and euthanasia.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia
Assisted suicide is the common term for actions by which an individual helps another person voluntarily bring about his or her own death. “Assistance” may mean providing one with the means (drugs or equipment) to end one’s own life, but may extend to other actions. It differs to euthanasia where another person ends the life. The current waves of global public debate have been ongoing for decades, centering on legal, religious, and moral conceptions of “suicide” and a personal “right to death“. Legally speaking, the practice may be legal, illegal, or undecided depending on the culture or jurisdiction
Suicide
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia
For other uses, see Suicide (disambiguation).
Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, “to kill oneself”) is the act of intentionally causing one’s own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which can be attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder,schizophrenia, autism spectrum disorders, alcoholism, or drug abuse.[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal often play a significant role.[2]
The TV documentary, “How to Die in Oregon” is the tender and poignant story of Cody Curtis, a 54 year old, dignified, lady, who is diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. Cody, early in her final journey decides that pain strips one from the ability to make rational decisions. She decides that she will not suffer the indignity of living with loss of control of her bodily functions. She desires a “tidy death”. Her journey takes her way past her “expiry date” and she muses “People are waiting for me to die. I do not understand why I am feeling so good”.
Her decline into intolerable pain and discomfort is sudden. “Compassion and Choices” sends in volunteers to counsel and assist with the final act of assisted suicide. Cody’s final journey is gentle, beautiful and “easy”.
Every time I say those terrible words “Vic is better” it is as if I place a curse on my poor child. Poor Vic did not have a good day today. Isn’t it amazing that 400mg of Morphine does not help for a headache! It actually takes something like Grandpa’s or a Migraine Kit to help….
Vic and I sat chatting tonight. She too had watched “How to Die in Oregon” and wanted to know how I would feel if she ever took a similar decision. She cried and said that she is so sad and lonely. She feels that the boys no longer trust her to “mother” them.
It is not the case. What the boys have however started doing is setting her free….
How would I feel? I would be devastated if Vic ever passed before I do. I would miss her every second of my remaining life. I would respect her wishes. I would honor her memory and heart wrenching decision.
Nobody can begin to comprehend the pain that Vic suffers. Nobody can comprehend that she drifts from one pain filled day to the next. If she lived an extra month or two months it would be another month or two months of pain. That is a lot of pain.
I know that this post will elicit a lot of condemnation and criticism. When you have walked just ONE mile in our moccasins you may speak….
Wanting
A place to rest
Seeking
A hand to hold
Needing
Quiet inside my head
Longing
For friendly smiles
Dreaming
Of peacefulness
Thinking
Of futures untold
Wanting
A place to rest
http://hastywords.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/left-wanting/#respond
I sometimes think Vic will live forever.
Vic has been doing so well. Ever since the arm surgery she has coped well with the arm and the pain. The Jurnista is truly a miracle drug!
On Thursday Vic went out for coffee. She drove her own little car… it was less than 2 kilometers but she drove! She was exhausted when she got home but she did not “crash”! She fractured another vertebrae on the 12th of August (http://wp.me/p2rPrS-bA ) but she is coping with the pain! She handled an emotional crisis well on Saturday and today she dished up her own lunch! It is remarkable that she is doing so well. Two months ago I was at my wits end. Vic was totally reliant upon me for everything! Due to the Jurnmista she has started taking back her life… Slowly but surely!
We have started planning our December vacation. Danie and I will take the boys and Henk to Germany for a two week vacation. Vic want’s to spend a week on her own and I want her to go to a Spa for the 2nd week… In the European Spring Vic and I are going to Italy!!!!
Life is great!
Did God intend for man or woman to “live” connected to machines to keep them breathing? People accept the death of a six-year-old child by aerial bombardment or economic sanctions and defend the life of a six-week-old fetus. I personally live in a country where children still die from inadequate medical care and hunger.
via The right to die.
After Vic’s Dad spent a week in ICU, ventilated and bleeding from his eyes, she signed the documents to allow the doctors to turn off the ventilator. Tienie was an organ donor. We were allowed to say our goodbyes and then the transplant team swept in. Sometime later the machines were switched off and Tienie was officially declared dead…..
Tienie lived life to the full. He believed sleep was a waste of time. He never sat still for a single minute. He loved life! He had a brilliant mind. He was articulate and well educated. He was a very proud man. If Tienie had lived he would have been condemned to “Locked-In Syndrome“. I remember standing next to his hospital bed thinking “What if that brilliant mind is trapped in a body that cannot communicate?”
Vic received a couple of letters from grateful recipients telling her what a difference Tienie’s organ’s had made to their lives.
On numerous occasions Vic has been on life support. We have been told to say our goodbyes. We said our goodbyes. Vic started breathing on her own…
Across the world people have prayed for Vicky’s life to be spared/saved. I have seen medical teams fight for her life refusing to let her slip into the arms of death. The bottom line is that doctors have played God in her life for many, many years. They decided when she was NOT allowed to die…
Doctors proclaim they do not want to play God…..They will fight day and night, for weeks on end, to save a very sick person’s life regardless of the individual’s wishes and quality of live. Doctors and Governments assume the right to decide when a sick person may die. God surely did not intend people to live a miserable life… Just yesterday Britain’s High Court rejected an attempt by a man who has locked-in syndrome to overturn the country’s euthanasia law by refusing to legally allow doctors to end his life.
Tony Nicklinson had a stroke in 2005 that left him unable to speak or move below his neck. He requires constant care and communicates mostly by blinking, although his mind has remained unaffected and his condition is not terminal. Locked-in syndrome is a rare neurological disorder where patients are completely paralyzed, and only able to blink. Patients are conscious and don’t have any intellectual problems, but they are unable to speak or move……
“The suicide, the mystic, the woman who seeks an abortion, the cancer patient who smokes a joint (the cancer patient’s long-suffering lover who smokes a joint)—all are roundly condemned for their escape from “responsibility” but truly feared for their escape from jurisdiction. It is a fear with a long and traceable history. The Roman emperor Tarquin crucified the bodies of citizens who committed suicide in order to escape his tyranny. When Margaret Sanger began her campaign for birth control, she was accused of permitting women to escape their God-ordained sorrow in bearing children.” http://harpers.org/archive/2005/02/0080411
We live in a world filled with hypocrites and people with double standards. I have said it before – people take the moral high ground and assume the role of God. Did God intend for man or woman to “live” connected to machines to keep them breathing? People accept the death of a six-year-old child by aerial bombardment or economic sanctions and defend the life of a six-week-old fetus. I personally live in a country where children still die from inadequate medical care and hunger.
It is not physician-assisted suicide that poses the greatest threat to the poor and the disabled but physician-assisted eternal life: Rich people will pay a lot of money for illegally harvested organs… The poor, from a different continent, will sell their organs to buy seed for their farms….
The World Trade Centre – did the jumpers commit suicide or were they murdered? According to most religions the jumpers will go to hell because they took a life – albeit their own…. How stupid!!!!
It is my personal opinion that Tony Nicklinson has been sentenced to a Life of Disability rather than being allowed “Death with Dignity.” He cannot wipe his own nose, wipe a tear from his eyes, scratch his ear….. He cannot control his bodily functions. He cannot even take a lethal dose of medication.
I pray that God will have mercy on me and allow me the time, mobility and clarity of mind to end my life rather than live the indignity and miserable life that Tony Nicklinson has been condemned too.
God have mercy!
Today was a terrible day. The pain Clinic was crazy! I have never seen so many people waiting to see the Professor.
When you are sitting in a queue for hours with people you meet every 28 days, you get to know the fellow patients. But today there were two new faces. An attractive young woman and her tired looking mother. They appeared to not be very cultured or refined people. The young woman was the sister of a patient who, like Vic, is too ill to come to the Pain Clinic. His sister (S) and mother (M) are his proxy’s.
S became very agitated because she was told – “no appointment, no consultation, no prescription”. She actually used some choice language! She kept saying “It is not for me. I actually don’t care….”
She however bullied the nurse into agreeing to allow the unscheduled appointment. But it was a long wait and S, I suspect, is a little ADD. She was babbling about her brother and his pain and the sacrifices that the family had made after the brother’s motorbike accident. At one stage of the monologue she said “Sometimes I just think I must give him some poison….”
Holy Moses!! It flashed through my mind “What type of person is this?”….
I was intrigued by the personality so I started chatting to her. All it took was one or two questions and a flood of emotions and words poured out of them. Sitting there I realized that I blog and that is what she was doing… S was blogging…..verbally.
She started telling their sad story. Brother had been involved in a motorbike accident and spent weeks in ICU, ventilated and suffering some brain damage, severe nerve damage and lots of fractures. He spent many months in hospital and gangrene developed in his leg. His leg was amputated but the gangrene spread and this lead to 3 further amputations! The mother said if she had known how he was going to suffer she would have prayed for him to die.
A small percentage of amputees suffer from phantom pain. “Although the limb is no longer there, the nerve endings at the site of the amputation continue to send pain signals to the brain that make the brain think the limb is still there. Sometimes, the brain memory of pain is retained and is interpreted as pain regardless of signals from injured nerves.” http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/guide/phantom-limb-pain. Brother apparently squarely falls into this category.
Sister loudly proclaimed, for the world to hear, that she sometimes considers giving her brother enough morphine to end his misery. She believes that he is hanging onto life until his insurance claim pays out so he has something to leave his children…
The mother is taking care of her son. It is obvious that her life has come to an end. I see the despair in her eyes when she says “He doesn’t sleep. Yesterday he threw his crutch at me…..”
Sister then whispers, in a conspiratorial manner, “We buy him lots of extra medication”
I asked them whether they had ever considered giving him cannabis. “Oh yes” they said. “We made him tea and he hated it!”
“It is better if he smokes it” I said
I looked around and saw shock and surprise register on everyone’s faces. I could see them think “How can this (sweet) middle aged, conservative, Afrikaans speaking lady even know about cannabis?”
Well, I do know about cannabis. I have researched every single aspect and possible pain management method and product and my research includes the effect of cannabis on pain relief.
A couple of years ago I bought some cannabis and put it in brownies for Vic to eat. She hated it. I gave her some to smoke. She hated the effect that it had on her. I know it is illegal. Personally I have never smoked or eaten the stuff so I do not know what effect it has on people. I have read, in 100’s of publications that it reduces the pain perception and can stop the devastation of Alzheimer’s.
I will stop at absolutely nothing to relieve my childs pain.
I then had a light-bulb moment – I realized that the mother and daughter were no different to me. They know the heart wrenching despair of caring for a loved one who has indescribable pain. They too pray for their loved one to find peace and release in death. They will also do anything to relieve the pain of their loved one.
I just have an extra layer of veneer
This morning, when I checked the BBM status’ of my loved ones, Jared had the lyrics to Linkin Park‘s “Skin to Bone” as his status. I did not realize that it was a song’s lyrics and wondered about the weird status. Normally his status says something like “I love my beautiful Jelly Tot” or “Kirsten, my one and only”
After school, while we were waiting for Jon-Daniel to finish cricket practice, he asked me whether I had heard the song, “Skin to Bone”, before. Obviously I hadn’t but even if I had, I doubt if I would have been able to distinguish the words from the loud musical arrangement….I am not the greatest Linkin Park fan in the world!
He spoke about the lyrics and I asked him whether the song reminded him of his Mom. He said “I suppose so. When I first heard the words I thought of Mom”
Back home I downloaded the lyrics.
Linkin Park — Skin To Bone Skin to bone, steel to rust Ash to ashes dust to dust Let tomorrow have it’s way With the promises we made Skin to Bone, steel to rust. Ash to ashes, dust to dust Your deception, my disgust When your name is finally drawn, I’ll be happy that you’re gone Ash to ashes, dust to dust. Chorus: (Aaah) Ash to ashes, dust to dust (Aaah) Skin to bone and steel to rust Right to left, left to right Night to day and day to night As the starlight fades to grey, I’ll be marching far away Right to left and left to right Chorus: (Aaah) Ash to ashes, dust to dust (Aaah) Skin to bone and steel to rust Let tomorrow have it’s way With the promises betrayed Skin to bone and steel to rust (x3) Lyricsfreak.com © 2009“Skin to bone“, represents her frail body to him. “Steel to steel” her steely hold on life! Her refusal to give up. “Ashes to ash, dust to dust”….. the inevitable
“The promises we made” I would imagine the promise that he envisages is the unspoken promise that a parent makes at the conception of the child….. to love and hold the child – until death do them part… The promise is not supposed to end in his early teens.
“Your deception, my disgust…..” relates to his feelings of betrayal. In a way he perceives his Mom’s ill health as a betrayal. His Mom is not supposed to be this ill and suffer the way she does. Vic was supposed to be a healthy Mom. Their lives were supposed to be “normal.” “My disgust” …. the despair of his life…..Anger for his mother’s suffering! Disgust with the medical system failing her. Anger for the OI gene. He is unable to understand all the “why’s”.
“When your name is finally drawn, I’ll be happy that you’re gone Ash to ashes, dust to dust.”Jared absolutely adores his mother. He often says “Oumie, I don’t want Mommy to die.” I have however seen the sheer helplessness in his eyes when he sees her suffering the way she does. I know that Jared too longs for his mother to be at peace, without pain – Her spirit freed from her frail, pain wretched body. So my precious grandson joins the song and broken hearted sings along with Linkin Park
“I’ll be happy that you’re gone. Ash to ashes, dust to dust….”
Vic has had an absolutely amazing week. Her pain has been beautifully controlled. We have had severe bouts of vomiting and cramping but compared to a month ago – it was a walk in the park!
The Jurnista is definitely working! I have an appointment with Prof Froehlich on Tuesday, the 14th of August, and she will then give me feedback on Hospice. I was completely prepared to tell her I don’t need Hospice on any level anymore. Vic’s pain is so well under control that I can handle her care with no assistance or problems at all.
My baby sister (she is only 55 years old) Lorraine, spent some time with us over the long weekend in-between umpiring at the South African National Netball Tournament. She was amazed at how well Vic looked. (Remember she last saw Vic when she fell at the end of June). Vic has been amazing. This week she has been far more mobile. She started thinking (arguing) about driving again….. The first time in months!
This morning Vic went to breakfast with her friend Angela. She was so excited.
Two hours later Vic literally shuffled into the house. “Mommy I broke my back!”
My heart stopped.
On a certain level I am angry. I am angry that Vic wasn’t more careful. I am angry that I slipped into a false sense of security! I am angry that the Jurnista is masking the pain so well that Vic is pushing her body’s boundaries.
Conclusion: Vic is still a very sick little girl. The fact that her pain is better controlled does not mean that she is well. If any of us had spent the amount of time vomiting and cramping that she has this week we would be in bed hooked up to an IV and praying for death. This week Vic’s amazing resilience again amazed me. She is strong beyond comprehension!
My heart bleeds for her that her fragile body has once again failed her incredible will to live. It is clear that she is merely holding onto life, as she knows it, with her fingertips……
I will go to the meeting with Prof Froehlich and continue my fight for Hospice to become involved. Vic will never function on any level again. She is confined to bed relying on medication to keep her sane. Maybe she will have a good couple of days here or there but her sentence has not been commuted.
Women’s Day is celebrated internationally in March. In South Africa we celebrate Woman’s Day on the 9Th of August. This day commemorates the 9 August 1956 when 20000 women of all races and ages participated in a national march petitioning the then National Party Government against pass laws … (“Pass laws” were legislation that required African persons to carry a document on them to ‘prove’ that they were allowed to enter a ‘white area’ during the Apartheid regime).
Organized by the Federation of South African Women, the March was led by four brave women; Helen Joseph, Rahima Moosa, Sophie Williams and Lilian Ngoyi. The leaders delivered petitions to Prime Minister JG Strijdom‘s office within the Union Buildings in Pretoria.
The march was a resounding success and South Africa recognised the bravery of these women who risked arrest, detention and banning by declaring 9 August National Women’s Day
During the March the women sang Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika, which became the joint national anthem of South Africa along with Die Stem van Suid Africa, in 1994. An interesting fact is that ‘Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika was composed as a hymn in 1897 a Missionary teacher in Johannesburg. Five countries, Zambia, Tanzania, Namibia, Zimbabwe and South Africa adopted ‘Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika as their national anthem. Zimbabwe and Namibia have since adopted new national anthems.
‘Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika
Lord, bless AfricaI was surfing “Strong Women” and found some amazing quotes which I would like to share with you tonight. Interesting,
when I was surfing “Women + Abuse” many, many sites with “50 Shades of Grey” came up….. I am going to have to read the book to find out why “Shades of Grey” is tagged with “women + abuse”…..
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” Margaret Thatcher
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” ― Nora Ephron
“A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.” ― Coco Chanel
“After all, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.” ― Ann Richards
“Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80%of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!” ― Andy Rooney
“Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother’s wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.” ― Lemony Snicket
“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.” ~ Jennifer Aniston
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” ~ Mother Teresa
“Pick the day. Enjoy it – to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come… The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present – and I don’t want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future.” ~ Audrey Hepburn
“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.” ~ Elayne Boosler
So, tonight I salute all the strong (and witty) women of the world. I salute the mothers of nations, leaders, sisters and friends. I salute my daughters. I salute Vic for the life she has lived. In the words of― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover “A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it.” Vic has not wasted a single breath!
But, in conclusion, the best quote of the day: “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” ~ Anais Nin, French born American author of short stories.
We all deserve husbands/partners that respect our strength! I salute my beautiful husband who is truly “the wind beneath my wings”. Dankie my skat! Jy is die beste!!
I often read about a child that had been ill for a long time and the parent being in denial. Death is never discussed. I know it may take months or even years for Vic to die. Maybe, with a bit of luck, I will die before she does. But when either one of us dies there will be nothing unspoken. Vic and I talk a lot. We talk about many things. If ever I think of something that I am not certain of, I ask her immediately.
I have fully accepted that Vicky is always walking the tightrope even when she is doing great. It is the nature of the beast and the beast can take you by surprise.
We have spoken about heaven and what a peaceful, healthy place it will be. We often speak about meeting again in heaven and Vic always says she is not scared of dying. Vicky feels terrible about leaving us behind. She worries about leaving us all behind. She worries about how sad we will be. I wish I knew what to say to truly put her mind at peace and to let her “let go”…
It was very difficult to first raise the question of death. It started approximately 8 years ago with a tentative “Sweetie, is all your paperwork in order before you have this surgery?” and progressed to discussing and shopping for 18th birthday gifts, Confirmation bibles and 21st Birthday Keys. It was strangely “pleasant” going shopping with Vic. I knew that her mind was at ease having done the shopping. Maybe she will be around for these milestone events. Maybe not….. But Vic is prepared. She is far more prepared than I am. She has written letters to be read after her death. She has “special events” cards that I will give the boys when the occasion or need arises.
To arrive at the point, where we are, has been hell! No matter what age your child is, when you first find out that your child is terminally ill, your initial instinct is to shelter the child. (Regardless of the child’s age – the child will always remain the child!!) The parent’s first instinct is to leave no stone unturned. You watch the child like a hawk, looking for small signs of improvement or deterioration, looking for symptoms, hoping against all hope that the doctor made a mistake!
I analyze every ache and pain, hoping that the stomach cramps are merely side effects of the medication. I know when Vic is heading for a UTI; I know how her body reacts to different medications. Unfortunately there is no “Dummy’s Guide for the Parents of a Terminally ill Child”.
Professional counselling is available at a terrible cost. By the time your child is diagnosed or rather sentenced to terminal illness, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of rands has been spent on medical bills. Within two months of the new medical year the medical aid is exhausted….. The medication and treatment cannot stop regardless of the claimable amount left on the medical aid limits… I have said it before – morphine or counselling???? No contest! Morphine wins hands down. Now in a civilized world Hospice should enter the picture at this stage….. Unfortunately we live in South Africa and Vic does not have AIDS or cancer. I pray that she will find the peace that I know she does not have.
No-one in the world can live in so much pain for so long!
It has to end sometime.
Today we buried a very dear friend. As his coffin was lowered into the grave, gentle snowflakes fell. A light layer of pristine white forming on the dark, cold soil…..
One does not leave a funeral in the same way that you have come. One cannot help but have death on one’s mind. One cannot help but be aware that such is the end of all life. One may look at oneself and have a new awareness that one’s body will not last forever. These thoughts are ones that humans must face and find a way to deal with. Some believe that the death is only the beginning of the next great mystery and the soul is eternal. Others take a practical view that death is all there is. Everyone leaves a funeral with thoughts of life and its fragility on their mind.
Today we bid farewell to a dear friend, a brother in every way but blood. We know that friends like Dries come so infrequently that we want to cling to them and not let them leave. We want to beg them to stay, but love’s power gives us the strength and the courage to let go. To let them leave when it is time to say goodbye and give them the wings they deserve. To let them fly into the boundless sky…… where the gentle snowflakes reminded us of them as it brushes against us
My regrets are many. If only I had gone to the hospital to visit when I heard about Dries’ heart surgery…… If only I had gone to visit with Danie when he popped around after Dries was discharged from hospital…….. If only I had truly made Dries realize the value our friendship. Regrets will not bring him back. I have become so self-centred in my journey with Vic that I have closed myself off from the world. I have excluded friends and acquaintances and almost jealously guarded my pain.
I bid you adieu, my dear friend. Your kindness, your generosity and gentle spirit will live on through everyone whose path you crossed. It is with love and the faith that we shared that I will move forward from here. I will never forget you.
Rest in peace my dearest friend!
Though I do mourn for you my friend
And though I may cry,
And though you are leaving me
I do not say goodbye.
For goodbyes mean forever
Yet here you still remain.
Because, forever you will live
Here in my memories,
And forever in my heart
You will remain. (Thomas Barnes)
(That was for you dear friend, I love you, and will miss you)
Vic's Final Journey 
