It is Friday again


Today it is the 14th sad Friday since Vic died.  Will I ever experience a Friday without sadness again?

It is 99 days today… Tomorrow it will be 100 long, tear filled days…

Sweetie, I love you as much as I did the day you stopped breathing.  I miss you more than I could ever have imagined.   I miss your gentleness, your unconditional love, your caring, your friendship and your voice.




IMG_8481I am a mess.  I have cried myself to sleep every night this past week.  I tear up without reason.

I have this indescribable longing to see my child, hold her and be with her.  I went onto Vic’s Facebook and went through all her photos.  Most of the photos on her FB are “tagged” photos of mine.  I went through the photos and “spoke” to Vic.  I remembered the wonderful mother and daughter that she was.  I looked at her journey, the amount of photos where she is in bed with the boys lying with her.  The sad thing is that it is truly only the tip of the iceberg.

I found this note on her FB that I had never seen before.   Vic posted this 3 days before my dad died.

17 May 2011 at 23:37

Today Hospice came to access my Grandfather… They dripped him & made him comfortable. He has lost his swallowing reflex, sleeps most of the day, is completely bedridden & can barely talk… The suddenness of his deterioration is very difficult to comprehend. Please could you all say a big prayer for my Gramps and especially my Mom, who lost her best friend of 25 years, age 51 due to a heart attack last Tues. My Mother is one of the strongest, bravest people I know.. How do we say goodbye, how do I take my Boys to say their Goodbyes tomorrow, how do we accept that this incredible man has such little time left regardless of the fact that we all know that its best for him. How can I be strong for my babies when my heart breaks all over again, every day when I see him… Especially my Eunice Friends, you will all remember how desperately my Gramps and Gran loved and spoilt me and how VERY MUCH they meant to me… I don’t want to live without him even though I realise that is extremely selfish, but I love my Grandfather so desperately, It’s not fair… All I ask for is compassion… Compassion for Gramps and my Mother… Thank you to everyone for all your love & support through everything… Love Vic.

Vic and her Gramps
Vic and her Gramps

I understood Vic’s agony of saying goodbye to us better… I have doubted our decision to sedate her during the last few days of her life… Reading this today I was filled with gratitude that we did.  I remembered her emotional agony when her friends left after a visit…  I remember her clinging to Danie and crying “Don’t leave me daddy.  I am scared…”  I am grateful that she gently slipped away without knowing or fearing what lies beyond…

I wonder whether she is around us?  I wonder if she is peaceful and happy?  I wonder if she misses us as desperately as we miss her.

Mothersday 2012
Mothersday 2012

Yesterday a friend of mine celebrated her 60th birthday.  Her daughter posted a beautiful letter on her FB page.  Tears started trickling down my cheeks.  I will never receive another birthday card or wish from Vic.  I will never celebrate another Mother’s Day with Vic and neither will her boys!!

Mothersday 2005
Mothersday 2005

Oh dear God will this agony every stop?



I heard someone wailing – it was a terrible sound

11.1.2012 The last photo I ever took of Vic

On Thursday night I slept from 12 until 3.30.  I woke up with a start, and it was Danie’s watch…. He was sitting on a chair next to Vic’s bed.  Tears brimming in his eyes. 

“I have been timing her breathing” Danie said.  “Her breathing is shallow – every 5 minutes she takes a deep breath.”

“I read about it” I said.  It is called Cheyne-Stokes breathing”

We sat in complete silence counting the shallow breaths between the deep breaths.   I counted 25 breaths between every deep breath.

“It is changing” I said

My brother came through just before 5.  “Why did you not wake me?  I was supposed to be on duty from 4…” he said

“I could not sleep” I said

The three of us again just sat and listened to Vic’s breathing.  She was motionless and her eyes were slightly open.  Her feet, hands and arms were cold.  The rest of her body was burning up with fever – 40+ degrees C.  Her little toes had started discoloring.

At 7 O clock I washed Vic.  I had started cutting open T Shirts so her little chest was covered.  I was too scared to move her – scared that she would fracture and that it would cause her more pain.  I put deodorant on her and baby powder.  A light spray of Estee Lauder’s “Beautiful” finished off her beauty routine for the morning.

At 10 o’clock Lee had to leave.  She had a meeting that could not be changed.   She cried when she left.

I lay next to my beautiful child.  My hand was on her heart and my head right next hers.  I could hear her breathing becoming more and more shallow.  Leon arrived.  The three men stood at the bottom of her bed.

I whispered words of comfort and love to Vic – non-stop….

“I love you angel child…  There is nothing to be scared off….  It is almost over baby!  I love you so much” I repeated the words over and over again.

I could feel her little heart beating softer and softer under my hand.

“She is going” I said

Her little chest hardly moved.  Her breathing was so shallow!  And then it stopped!  For a couple of seconds there was no movement.   No heartbeat.  No breathing.  And then a tiny little flutter…and then nothing!  Just nothing!!

I heard someone wailing.  It was a terrible sound.  It was me.

Part of me had just died.