Tag: Vicky Bruce

Writing a blog is scary.  I am very aware of the fact that I am baring my soul to the world.  It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.  Naked to the world…

Over the years I have written many unpublished “blogs” – it is a coping mechanism.  After my mom’s passing I wrote her letters.  In these letters I lamented our lot, wrote about my childhood memories, my happiness, fears and frustrations.  When my dad moved in with us I started researching Alzheimer’s and discovered the therapeutic value of a Caregiving Forum.  I started reading blogs of other AD caregivers’ journeys with their loved ones.  I have made many online friends with other caregivers that are in the same situation as we were in.  My dad passed away a year ago and I still subscribe to the blogs and forums.   I feel “connected” to my Dad through this.

So when you read my blog, please know that I am not looking for sympathy.  I am selfishly coping with my pain and fears.  I hope somewhere the blog will of some value to someone who may be in the same situation as we are.  I am not blogging to move anyone to tears – I am blogging through my tears.  You see, when we are around someone who is terminally ill, we cope through a conspiracy of silence.  We talk about mundane things, we smile and even laugh but it is superficial.  We do not share our deepest feelings, our tears and sorrow.

Vic often says she worries how I will cope with her passing.  How ironical is that??  But I know it is because I won’t cry now. 

Today was another good day.  I however attribute this to Vic fearing being admitted to hospital next week (and trying to get out of it) as well as sheer undiluted willpower for the boys to see her having an “okay” day.

Vic fractured her tibia at the age of 5.  By then she was so petrified of hospitals and the plaster-of-Paris saw, that she hobbled on a broken leg for days!  Vic’s fractures seldom swell or bruise. Even as a toddler she would have to tell us she had a fracture.  Now she is refusing to go to hospital next week for the Ketamine infusion!!  Today she cried and said she would rather die than go back to hospital.  How are we going to convince her that she must go????

In the beginning of the year I promised her I would never make her go back to hospital – ever!  If the Ketamine reduces her pain by 10% it will be worthwhile!!  How can I go back on my word?  She spoke to us as a family and said she did not want to die in a hospital.  I promised that she could stay home and never go back to hospital until SHE decides that it is necessary.  The promises that I made are now causing severe stress in the boys’ lives.  I think they fear what lies ahead.

I understand her aversion to hospitals.  She has literally spent years in hospital!  At the Donald Gordon we know the nursing staff, the theatre staff, the cleaning staff, the kitchen staff, the receptionists, the pathologists, physiotherapists and radiologists and of course the ICU staff.  They hug us “hello”.

The ICU staff in particular is absolutely amazing!!  They know how Vic’s body reacts to the different drugs, the hospital bugs she is susceptible to, how weak her veins are.  They have pulled her out of the claws of death time after time.  Vic has survived medical crisis after crisis, each time with less and less of her physical abilities and dignity. She hates the fact that in hospital her body is no longer “hers”.  It belongs to nurses and doctors to touch and probe with little regard for her dignity or feelings. They have empathy with her, they know her sons and family but her body is just a commodity to them.  That is just the way it is!

It is going to be a tough weekend!!