For my precious Vic, her song of life has ended,
But the music of her soul is forever.
During my lonely hours,
I wait to hear the music from above,
So I can know that my angel child is well.
Vic’s song of life
Month: July 2013
My Angel up in Heaven ~ Written by Dave Hedges
Re-posted from http://myownheart.me/2013/07/08/my-daughter/. This blog belongs to a dear friend of mine. Len Williams-Carver who lost her daughter tragically in 2011 – not through illness but Klysta was murdered! Len posted this, and now I am reposting these beautiful words. Thank you my dear friend!! You are in my heart!
My angel up in heaven, I wanted you to know,
I feel you watching over me, everywhere I go.
I wish you were with me, but that can never be,
Memories of you in my heart, that only I can see.
My angel up in heaven, I hope you understand,
That I would give anything, if I could hold your hand.
I’d hold you oh so tightly, and never let you go,
And all the love inside of me, to you I would show.
My angel up in heaven, for now we are apart,
You’ll always live inside of me, deep within my heart.
KLYSTA LaNELL 08-20-1969 to 02-19-2011
My beautiful daughter, my heart void.
VICKY BRUCE 31-08-1974 TO 18-01-2013
My beautiful daughter, my Angel Child.
The Purpose of Ramadan
Humility for prosperity
Sacrifice for blessings
Bended knees for rewards
Heart laid down for worship
To Allah who deserves these all.
Ramadan Kareem!
More than a billion Muslims around the world will start observing Ramadan tonight at sunset.
The rules of Ramadan are fairly straightforward: for one month, all practicing, able-bodied Muslims over the age of 12 are forbidden to eat or drink from sunup to sundown. Muslims believe that during this month the gates of hell close — meaning the devil is unable to tempt them during a month of discipline, charity and self-control. The objective of the fast, which also prohibits participating in “sensual pleasures” such as smoking, sex and even listening to music during daylight hours, is to diminish believers’ dependence on material goods, purify their hearts and establish solidarity with the poor to encourage charitable works during the year. It’s as much a period of self-growth as of self-denial: Muhammad reportedly said, “He who does not abandon falsehood in word and action in accordance with fasting, God has no need that he should abandon his food and drink.”
During the month of Ramadan, Muslims refrain from smoking, engaging in sexual relations, eating or drinking any liquids from sunrise to sunset, which can be a challenge during the long days of summer. It also means avoiding backtalk, being nice to people and controlling desires. Many Muslims will achieve this by reading more from the Quran, the Islamic holy book that Muslims believe was first revealed to their prophet, Mohammed, during Ramadan. Observing Ramadan is one of the main pillars of Islam.
Ramadan is a time for Muslims to “return to God, who is the source of everything, whether it’s health, happiness, peace or wisdom.” Muslims repair their relationship with God through fasting and prayer.
In the Middle East Ramadan will be particularly difficult this year as the days are long and temperatures are soaring. Muslims living in northern countries face fasting through 19 hours of daylight!
The word Ramadan comes from the Arabic root ramidaor ar-ramad, which means scorching heat or dryness.
A typical day starts as early as 3 a.m. with the predawn meal called the sahur, usually rich in protein and carbohydrates to get the faster through the long, foodless day. The rest of the day is spent reciting prayers, abstaining from bad deeds and reading the Koran. Fasters are expected to read the entire holy book within the month, and many mosques have taken to splitting it into 30 even portions recited in daily sermons. The fast lasts until sundown — or until it’s too dark to “distinguish a white thread from a black thread,” according to the Koran — and is broken with a small meal called an iftar which is followed by the Magrib prayer before the fasters join their families and invite the poor for a larger celebratory meal.
The breaking of the fast is often an elaborate affair in wealthier Gulf countries like the United Arab Emirates, where well-to-do Muslims gather in air-conditioned tents, cruise ships or five-star hotels to feast on meals with multiple courses.
In some countries, the fast carries the force of law: in Algeria, six people were jailed last year for failing to observe the fast, while in Iran authorities have shut down restaurants for not closing during the day.
The end of Ramadan is signalled by the sighting of the crescent (new) moon that signals the start of the next lunar month; it’s celebrated by a huge festival called ‘Id al-Fitr (the Feast of Fast-Breaking) where entire villages celebrate together.
1Crescent moon over Bahrain
Read more:
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1919257,00.html#ixzz2YUH7h5BT
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1919257,00.html
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Holidays/Why-Do-Muslims-Fast-During-The-Month-Of-Ramadan.aspx#
Ramadan Mubarak to my Muslim friends!
Humility for prosperity
Sacrifice for blessings
Bended knees for rewards
Heart laid down for worship
To Allah who deserves these all.
Ramadan Kareem!
Different types of depression
Clinical depression goes by many names — depression, “the blues,” biological depression, major depression. But it all refers to the same thing: feeling sad and depressed for weeks or months on end (not just a passing blue mood).
Depression (mood) as defined by Wikipedia
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
“Dejection” and “despair” redirect here. For the poem, see Dejection: An Ode. For other uses of despair, see despair (disambiguation).
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Melencolia I (ca. 1514), by Albrecht Dürer
Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being.[1] Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions, and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains, or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may also be present.[2]
Depressed mood is not necessarily a psychiatric disorder. It may be a normal reaction to certain life events, a symptom of some medical conditions, or a side effect of some drugs or medical treatments. Depressed mood is also a primary or associated feature of certain psychiatric syndromes such as clinical depression.
Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.
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Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
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Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
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Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
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Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
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Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
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Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
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Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
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Reckless behaviour. You engage in escapist behaviour such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
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Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
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Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.
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Negative thoughts. You can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
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Suicidal thoughts. You have thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case)
There are many on-line depression tests. These tests should not replace or substitute a visit to a physician. It is only an indicator. http://www.depressedtest.com A physician will have to rule out other serious medical conditions that may cause similar symptoms.
The main types of depression include:
- Major depression — to be diagnosed with major depression, you must have five or more of the symptoms listed above for at least 2 weeks. Major depression tends to continue for at least 6 months if not treated. (You are said to have minor depression if you have less than five depression symptoms for at least 2 weeks. Minor depression is similar to major depression except it only has two to four symptoms.)
- Atypical depression — occurs in about a third of patients with depression. Symptoms include overeating and oversleeping. You may feel like you are weighed down and get very upset by rejection.
- Dysthymia — a milder form of depression that can last for years, if not treated.
- Postpartum depression — many women feel somewhat down after having a baby, but true postpartum depression is more severe and includes the symptoms of major depression.
- Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) — symptoms of depression occur 1 week before your menstrual period and disappear after you menstruate.
- Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) — occurs most often during the fall-winter season and disappears during the spring-summer season. It is most likely due to a lack of sunlight.
- Manic Depression may also alternate with mania (known as manic depression or bipolar disorder).
Factors that can may cause depression include:
- Alcohol or drug abuse
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Medical conditions and treatments, such as:
- Certain types of cancer (pancreas, prostate, breast)
- Long-term pain
- Sleeping problems
- Steroid medications – Corticosteroid medications such as prednisone, which people take for diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis or asthma
- Underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism)
- Illegal steroids
- Amphetamines
- Over the counter appetite suppressants
- Certain types of cancer (pancreas, prostate, breast)
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Stressful life events, such as:
- Abuse or neglect
- Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend
- Certain types of cancer
- Death of a relative or friend
- Divorce, including a parent’s divorce
- Failing a class
- Illness in the family
- Job loss
- Long-term pain
- Social isolation (common cause of depression in the elderly)
- Abuse or neglect
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Many central nervous system illnesses and injuries can also lead to depression.
- head trauma
- multiple sclerosis
- stroke
- syphilis
- head trauma
Sources:
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/07/opinion/sunday/wars-on-drugs.html?_r=0
http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/symptoms/depression/overview.html
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-types
Physical Symptoms of Depression….
Since Vic’s blotched back surgery in 2002 I have been on anti-depressants. The anti-depressants allowed me to continue functioning; fighting – living. It made life bearable. I was able to survive and support my child through 11 years of hell. The tablets certainly dulled my senses, my emotions. I have also gained 15 kgs in weight.
I have decided that I can no longer rely on medication. I have to take back control of my life. I have to heal. I have to let go of all my crutches.
I know I have to wean myself off the medication… Now that I no longer have symptoms and treatments to research to keep Vic alive, I decided to research depression. It has been absolutely amazing! I will be doing a series on depression and the treatment thereof.
Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety are obvious signs of depression. A less known fact is that depression can also cause unexplained physical symptoms. Physical pain and depression often go hand in hand….
Depression has no respect for colour, creed, sex or nationality. Depression does not discriminate.
The exact cause of depression is not known. Depression seems to be related to an imbalance of certain chemicals in your brain. Some of these same chemicals play an important role in how you feel pain. So many experts think that depression can make you feel pain differently than other people. An episode of depression may also be triggered by a life event such as a relationship problem, bereavement, redundancy, illness; or it can develop without any reason; there may be some genetic factor involved that makes some people more prone to depression than others. Women are more predisposed to depression than men i.e. postnatal and menopausal depression….
Depression is quite a common cause of physical symptoms. But, the opposite is also true. That is, people with serious physical conditions are more likely than average to develop depression.
A high percentage of patients with depression who seek treatment, in a primary care setting, report only physical symptoms, which can make depression very difficult to diagnose. Many people suffering from depression never get help because they don’t realize that pain may be a symptom of depression. The importance of understanding the physical symptoms of depression is that treating depression can help with the pain–and treating pain can help with depression.
Physical pain and depression have a deeper biological connection than simple cause and effect; the neurotransmitters that influence both pain and mood are serotonin and norepinephrine. Dysregulation of these transmitters is linked to both depression and pain.
I have noted a common denominator in the lives and blogs of chronic pain sufferers – depression. Pain in its own right is depressing. Depression causes and intensifies pain. Some research shows that pain and depression share common pathways in the limbic (emotional) region of the brain. In fact, the same chemical messengers control pain and mood. According to an article published by the Harvard Medical School, people with chronic pain have three times the average risk of developing psychiatric symptoms–usually mood or anxiety disorders–and depressed patients have three times the average risk of developing chronic pain.
The link between pain and depression appears to be a shared neurologic pathway. Some antidepressants, such as Cymbalta and Effexor, is used to treat chronic pain.
Most of us know about the emotional symptoms of depression. But you may not know that depression can be associated with many physical symptoms, too
In fact, many people with depression suffer from chronic pain or other physical symptoms. These include:
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Headaches. Headaches is a common symptom of depression. Research found that over a two-year period, a person with a history of major depression was three times more likely than average to have a first migraine attack, and a person with a history of migraine was five times more likely than average to have a first episode of depression.
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Back pain. Back ache is aggravated by depression. A study from the University of Alberta followed a random sample of nearly 800 adults without neck and low back pain and found that people who suffer from depression are four times more likely to develop intense or disabling neck and low back pain than those who are not depressed.
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Muscle aches and joint pain. Depression can make any kind of chronic pain worse. According to research published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine, arthritis-like physical symptoms may improve if the depression is treated with medication.
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Chest pain. Chest pain must be checked out by a doctor immediately. It can be a sign of serious heart problems. But depression can contribute to the discomfort associated with chest pain. A study from the Sahlgrenska Academy, University of Gothenburg, Sweden, indicates several common factors among those affected by chest pain not linked to biomedical factors such as heart disease or some other illness–depression was one of the significant common factors.
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Digestive problems. Queasiness, nausea, diarrhoea and chronic constipation can all stem from depression. Studies show that up to 60 percent of people with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) also have a psychological disorder, most commonly depression or anxiety. According to one study published in General Hospital Psychiatry, those who reported symptoms of nausea were more than three times as likely to also have an anxiety disorder, and nearly one-and-a-half times more likely to suffer from depression. Depression is a possible cause for digestive disorders
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Exhaustion and fatigue. No matter how much one sleeps, they still feel tired. Getting out of the bed in the morning is very hard, sometimes even impossible. Fatigue and depression are not a surprising pair. Depression and fatigue feed off each other in a vicious cycle that makes it hard to know where one begins and the other ends. Researchers have found people who are depressed are more than four times as likely to develop unexplained fatigue, and those who suffer from fatigue are nearly three times as likely to become depressed.
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Sleeping problems. People with depression often have difficulty falling asleep, or awaken in the early hours of the morning and find themselves unable to get back to sleep. It is reported that 15 percent of people suffering from depression sleep too much. Lack of sleep alone doesn’t cause depression, but it can contribute–and lack of sleep caused by other illness or anxiety can make depression worse.
- Change in appetite or weight. Several studies have found excess weight to be linked with depression symptoms, a history of depression, and other measures of psychological distress (e.g. anxiety). Others suffering from depression experience a reduction in appetite i.e. weight loss.
- Dizziness or light-headedness.
Because these symptoms occur with many conditions, many depressed people never get help, because they don’t know that their physical symptoms might be caused by depression. These physical symptoms aren’t “all in your head.” Depression causes real changes in your body.
http://www.examiner.com/article/adult-de 1
http://www.patient.co.uk/health/depression
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/9-physical-symptoms-of-depression.html#ixzz2YHErmwr7
http://www.what-is-depression.org/physical-symptoms-of-depression/
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC486942/
http://www.depression.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=25&Itemid=30
Saturday poem: Loss
Thank you Kate Swaffer! Kate blogs about the critical issues that impact on a person living with a diagnosis of dementia and their loved ones. Kate is inspirational, motivated and positive.
Loss
Tragedy so great
Illuminating you with sadness
Seems impossible to recover
Lack of lustre lasting forever
Acceptance and healing
A lifetime away
To hear a song or smell a scent
That throws you right back
Into the pit of grief
One step forward
Many steps backwards
From the intensity of sorrow
Meaninglessness, emptiness
Impaired judgments
Damaged relationships
Memories stained with pain
Walls crumbling inside your heart
The journey of loss is long
She Died on a Monday
This post was written by a mother whose daughter died from doctor error – just like Vic. This mother’s daughter suffered for 8 years before she died… Vic suffered for 4027 days after her blotched surgery. https://tersiaburger.com/2013/02/22/4027-days/
In the seven years leading up to my daughter’s death, she suffered through hundreds of hospitalizations. I use the word “suffered” and I mean it. When I’d get the call from her husband in her distant city telling me she was once-again hospitalized, I’d do a quick survey of where we were in the week. Tuesday to Thursday = probably okay. Friday to Monday = disaster.
And now we have a new television show, entertainment, if you will, from the TNT network entitled “Monday Mornings” and penned by CNN’s top medical guy, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, which explores something all-too-many of us are all-too-familiar with: Medical mistakes.
My concern over the “entertainment value” of such a television show bumps up against relief. Real people with real lives and real families that love them die in real life versus now people will know some of the truth. The problem is that real…
View original post 369 more words
I think God hates me?
http://risenetworks.org/2013/04/19/lovin 1
Over the years I have been deeply hurt by people of faith and religious institutions’ i.e. churches. I have spent many years of my life researching religion, seeking answers to my questions; to life’s twists and turns.
I believe in God. I believe in life hereafter. I believe that what we are living is hell and that heaven awaits us. I believe we are on earth to learn lessons, perfect our souls. I believe that we will return to earth until we have perfected our souls.
The “mind switch” was Passion of the Christ. I cried for three days. It was the most barbaric thing I had ever seen. I could not and cannot equate that to love. The other “mind switch” was the lovelessness of most “deeply” religious people. So I look at religion and this is the conclusion I have come to…
“Love” is The Big Commandment…. Matthew 22:36-40 NIV Love the Lord thy God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbour like yourself. All the Law and Prophets hand on these two Commandments@ Love God Thy Father and the second commandment that is equal to it “Love Thy neighbour”…
Love Thy Neighbour is quite a mouthful. Who is my neighbour – the person who lives next door to me in his multi million rand house or his domestic worker living in a room the size of a stamp on his premises? Maybe “my neighbour” could extend to the socio economic group that I equate to in my suburb or city? Hells bells, if I am generous the rich in my country may qualify…. But the people with different pigmentation and less money? No, no no!
Now let me spell it out. The way I see it
If God is a God of Love would He truly condemn people to eternal hell for not believing a particular version of religion? I know so many wonderful Muslim people who have “white souls”, who are kind, compassionate and generous. They would never deliberately harm a fellow human being. I know many beautiful Christians who are kind and compassionate and generous. I know that in a country like Saudi no money will exchange hands whilst it is Salah (prayer time). Restaurants and shops CLOSE for prayer 5 times a day and if you are not praying you will stand around in the passages of the shopping centre. You will not even be allowed to remain in the restaurant.
In my country and everywhere else in the world people of other religious groups will drink too much and talk about Muslims in a derogatory manner. They will call them heathens… They will lie and steal but take the religious high ground because they are “Christian”. And by the way, please do not inconvenience them and their social life by getting ill….If you are so inconsiderate – please die quickly so their lives can move along at it’s comfortable, fun filled pace.
Worldwide racism is alive and well. Where there is no racism it is tribalism, elitism that keeps hate flowing through the world.
For many years I did so-called “charity” and evangelism work in the poor rural areas in South Africa. Today I admit I am ashamed that I was so sanctimonious to think that I was needed to evangelize the poor. What do you say to a child who is freezing and hungry when they accept the Lord? “God is going to make your life better!”…That would imply that all of a sudden that child would have at least 3 meals a day, a bed and blanket, medical care and a good education…
Let me tell you, so-called evangelists hit and run. They convert and leave. There is no sustainability in what they offer. Most of their efforts are self-serving. Tomorrow that child is going to be cold and hungry and think “that woman of God said God would bless me…Why has He not done so? He must hate me…”
So, I ask the question…who is the “woman of God”? The self-appointed evangelist or the impoverished next door neighbour who shares her last crust of bread with the hungry child?
I don’t believe that there is a single religion that is “right.” There is good and bad in all religions. There is good and bad in every person!
The Catholic’s decided which books were to be in the Bible. The Qur’an is a modified version of the Old Testament. The Torah is another modified version of the Old Testament.
I know there will be a reaction to this post. I know many people will “unfollow” me after this post. That is fine. It is your right to decide what to read. It is my right to write what I believe and have experienced.
Vic often asked me “Mommy, why do you think God hates me?”
The Church deserted Vic. Christians deserted Vic. Family deserted Vic. Friends deserted Vic. Even the most religious of religious did not have enough compassion for my child to lift a phone and ask “How is your child doing?” or “I am sorry to hear about her passing”. Family, yes you read correctly, did not even sympathise. What a cold God they must serve? Yet these righteous self-serving stone-Christians point fingers at others for not being “obedient” to God’s Word. Surely not the Word that says “Love thy neighbour”………
I wish you peace…
Peace is not the absence of trouble; it is the presence of God
You are strong… when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave… when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.
You are happy… when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.
You love… when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.
You are wise… when you know the limits of your wisdom.
You are true… when you admit there are times you fool yourself.
You are alive… when tomorrows hope means more to you than yesterday’s mistake.
You are growing… when you know that you are but not what you are becoming.
You are free… when you are in control of yourself but do not wish to control others.
You are honourable… when you find your honour is to honour others.
You are generous… when you can give as sweetly as you take.
You are humble… when you do not know how humble you are.
You are beautiful… when you don’t need a mirror to tell you.
You are rich… when you never need more than you have.
You are you… when you are at peace with who you are not.
I wish you peace, today, tomorrow and forever
Here on Earth …, There in Heaven…
Here on earth imperfection, there in heaven perfection
Here on earth discontent, there in heaven content
Here on earth disgrace, there in heaven grace
Here on earth disease, there in heaven ease
Here on earth hatred, there in heaven love
Here on earth war, there in heaven peace
Here on earth decay, there in heaven freshness
Here on earth selfish, there in heaven selfless
Here on earth oppression, there in heaven liberty
Here on earth agonize, there in heaven relax
It’s either on earth, or in heaven
The decision, all yours
Obed Akuma
There is pain after death
On the 10th of October 2012 I posted this:
Two days ago I reblogged a post “Is there pain after death” written by a Dr James Salwitz. This post elicited some comments – mainly from Vic. Vic has started reading the odd post of my blog. In a way I am truly okay with it but on the other hand I find it difficult to blog my fears and emotions knowing that Vic may read the post. I find that I have become guarded in what I am writing. I am thinking that I should blog about stuff that may allay Vic’s fears….
Yesterday Vic asked “Mommy, I know what we believe in but what if there is more pain after I died?”
“You read my blog?” I asked.
“Yes” Vic replied.
“Sweetie, I believe that when the time comes our loved ones will be our guardian angels and hold our hands whilst we cross over….”
“I know that Mommy but what if I am still in pain… What if the pain does not stop?”
“Sweetie, the pain that continues after death is the emotional pain that belong to the loved ones that are left behind. That is what the post is about…..”
Tears welled up in Vic’s eyes and she said “I know that Mommy but what if I am still in pain… What if the pain does not stop? What if your pain does not stop?”
Andrew, http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/, commented as follows… “Even before one leaves, I always thought it more difficult on my family to watch me go through what was pretty aggressive treatment than on me.”
sbcallahan, http://thedrsays.org commented…”this is one of the difficult things about being the one who leaves. to know that your loved ones are going to suffer more than they already have is heartbreaking.”
“how to die? I have watched many die over the years and the range is as you would imagine. there were those that just could not let go and suffered every indignity to their body and soul. of course others went quietly with love around them. I have not decided if I want to be alone or with loved ones by my side. is there a way to make it easier for them? would they rather receive a phone call with the news or be at bedside? either way it will hurt them, not me of course as I am the one leaving. I would be lying if I said I don’t think of how I will miss so much. the thing is I have had so much, so much more than others and it seems selfish to complain. what they will go through is tremendous compared to what I will go through. I will sleep eternally and they will live. the best I can hope for them is peace of mind and future happiness. I want them to think of me and smile as I do now thinking of them.” http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/
I am beginning to think it is easier to be the person leaving than the one being left. I have always known that about relationships and breaking up but now realize that it is the same when someone you love is dying. My husband became suddenly angry and I knew there was something wrong. it is so unlike him to get angry over nothing that I was completely off guard. we had been watching the movie “steel magnolia’s” and he asked me what Julia Roberts was dying from and I told him kidney failure. later when he was able to talk, he shared that it had reminded him of my own kidney failure and near death. we live in limbo waiting each week for blood tests to know if I am back in failure or good for a few more days. I don’t really think about it and when he shared his fear my heart ached. The sad thing is I have no fear and realize more and more how hard this is for him. I know that he will be fine in the end but it is hard for him to imagine he will be fine without me. It is so much harder to be the one being left behind. http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/25/the-one/
Vic so often tells me how worried she is about the family. She worries about how the boys, her dad and I will cope. Whether we will cope…. whether we will be able to get over her eventual passing…. Andrew and sbcallahan write about their fears… for their loved ones. It is a fear that all terminally ill people appear to have.
My Mom died a bad death! Two weeks after major surgery she died an agonising death from septicaemia. We could see the gangrene spread…. She was burning up with fever and no amount of pain medication could dull or relieve the pain. God alone knows what went through her mind because she was ventilated. When my Mom finally died we were so relieved. We were relieved that her suffering was over. We were traumatized by the dying process not her death.
As a family we have lived with Vic’s pain and her excruciatingly slow journey towards death for the past eleven years. For eleven years we have heard her scream with pain, moan with discomfort, we hold her hair back when she is doubled up over a toilet bowel, vomiting until she fractures a vertebrae. We have nursed open wounds, changed colostomy bags…. We have watched our daughter and mother suffer the most horrendous symptoms.
So baby, if you read this post, know that we will miss you. We don’t want you to leave us behind but we want your suffering to end. We will continue to love you until we are reunited one day. You have to trust us that you will always be “my baby” and the boys’ mummy. But know that we will be grateful when your little body is freed from its pain and suffering. You will be at peace… You will not suffer more pain after death. We will mourn you but we will also be at peace… We will think of you and smile…
It is okay to let go my angel child.
Preparing for Vic’s death was not easy. It was however a breeze compared to the actual pain after Vic died.
In a way I supposed I almost romanticized Vic’s passing. I knew that I would miss her. What I did not know is how much….I did not know that my mind would block out the suffering beforehand.
I thought I would always remember her cries, her tears, and her pain. I did not realize that I would forget her cries, pain, tears…. I remember her shuffling little footsteps down the passage, her soft kisses on my cheek, her gentle nature, her laughter…
I thought I would be relieved that her suffering was over – Nothing and nobody could have prepared me for the huge void in my life.
Today I know that there is excruciating agony after death. For the living…
I wrote “We will think of you and smile…”
Vic, today I know we think of you and cry… selfishly I don’t have peace.
Chaka’s is not the same without you. Nothing will ever be the same without you my Angel.
I miss you so much!!!
I am waiting for a sign
I came to Chaka’s Rock with the intention of scattering some of Vic’s ashes here. The rest we would bury in her Angel Garden at home.
When we arrived we went shopping and came back with beautiful flowers. Vic’s photo and ashes are in the dining room that has a beautiful view of the ocean. Her flowers next to her…
Somehow I have just not been able to make my way down to the beach with Vic’s ashes. I know that I will receive a sign from her that this is what she wants… When a white feather finds me I will know it is the right time and place.
Vic and I often spoke about what to do with her ashes.
“Mommy, you can decide what to do with my ashes…”
“What would you want me to do with your ashes Angel?” I would ask
“You can decide Mommy. You can put me in the Wall of Remembrance with my Father if you want?” Vic would reply
“Maybe we will just make a memorial garden for you and keep you with us…” I would say
“Oh, that would be good Mommy!” Vic would say “That is what I would do for you…”
I am waiting to see if a white feather finds me…
New memories…
Chaka’s Rock 2013
Always Here When Needed Award
This is a lovely award. Vic loved butterflies.
The transformation that the butterfly goes through shows a powerful symbolism and likeness to human beings. The different stages, the difficulties, and finally emerging into a beautiful and colorful butterfly which once was an unattractive crawling creature, also shows the power of human beings to surpass challenges, learn, and then eventually soar to greater heights. Just as the butterfly has to go through some not so attractive stages, a person’s life can through similar situations as well, but ultimately, in the end, reach one’s full potential and become majestic and beautiful.The butterflies that we see in our gardens do not only keep the balance of nature, but for some people, they have a higher purpose. They are souls of departed ones who have come to give blessing, or spending time with you as they wait for their turn to pass through purgatory.
Leaving that aside, to comply with the rules of the nomination, I would like to thank Lucinda Elliot for the award. Lucinda, a published author, writes and lives in mid Wales. She likes gothic, dystopias, historical and steampunk. She has a superb sense of humour and has the ability to make her words “dance”. Lucinda’s blog is beautifully written and can be found on http://sophieandemile.wordpress.com
Five things that make me happy.
- My grandchildren and husband
- Drinking tea
- Walking on the beach
- Working
- Stepping Stone Hospice
This is so difficult as I have so many wonderful friends who are always there for me. I have taken the five people who comment most on my blog.
- http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com
- http://buckwheatsrisk.com/
- http://talktodiana.wordpress.com/
- http://thedrsays.wordpress.com/
- http://jmgoyder.wordpress.com/
Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for your kind words of support. Thank you for caring. Thank you for always being here when I need you.
Vic's Final Journey 