Tag: grieving

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on… “


“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die.  I am motivated by nothing yet I move on.  I have nothing but I have everything.  I just don’t want to understand.“

Muriel posted this message on Vic’s Facebook page.  Today it echo’s my feelings.  I am so tired of living.  I am so tired of this miserable existence that we call life.  Surely, there must be more to life than breathing!

Today was a day out of hell.  I had to leave home early this morning as we were testing some systems that are critical to a contract that we are negotiating.  I got up with great difficulty, showered, and made Kreemy Meal for my family.  Both Jared and Vic need soft foods.  I left on time with strict instructions for Danie as to where and when to collect Vic’s morphine syrup from the Pain Clinic.

Within 5 minutes, I was stuck in terrible traffic.  Five lanes reduced to two…

Once we reached the test site, the subsystem manufacturers arrived 2.5 hours late!!  I phoned Vic to check on her only to be told that she had gotten ill all over herself!  She had to bath and I was not home to help her!  I told her to take anti-nausea tablets, lie down for 15 minutes, and take morphine tablets again.  Once she felt better, she would have to ask Primrose, the helper, to help her bathe.  I could not leave the test site.

Danie phoned to tell me – “No Morphine Syrup – come back next week”.  Some good news was that Esther came to visit and helped Vic bath.  That girl is an absolute saint!  Esther also took Jon-Daniel to the movies.  I am so grateful that he could get out of the house of gloom and illness.

Then the system failed…  The shipment would be delayed by at least another 5 weeks!

Another traffic jam to my next meeting…

An hour and a half later, I left the meeting for home and was stuck in the 17:00 peak hour traffic!  A 20-minute trip became a 1.5-hour trip!  Arghhhhhh

At home, I quickly prepared dinner. Vic has to have dinner by 18:30 as she must take her medication at 19:00.  In my haste I forgot poor Jared is only allowed pureed food so I started cooking (a second meal) some gem squash, potatoes, and carrots for him.  I put it through the strainer and rushed off to his room with a tray and his pureed food.  I do not know what I did but the next thing pureed vegetables and broken Noritake was all over the floor!  I just burst into tears.

I cannot believe that something that I would normally laugh off as an accident set me off.  Poor Jared had to eat soup for dinner.  He is so tired of soup!

Well today, I am fed-up with life.  I am tired to the core of my soul.  I do not want to hear that I am doing a great job or that I am strong.  I do not want to hear anything!  All I want is ONE carefree day in my life!! One day with absolutely NO responsibilities.

Oh dear God, the boys offered to do their Mom’s tablets tonight so I can have a full night’s sleep…What am I doing with my pity party?  I have Vic in tears because she is feeling guilty because of the stress her illness has caused me, the boys feel guilty because I am tired and Danie wants to take me away for a weekend so I can rest and relax…How can I ever relax whilst my child is so ill.  I do know I cannot afford to cry.  It distresses everyone around me.

I need a stronger anti-depressant.

I am going to bed.  I am going to feel sorry for myself in the privacy of my room where I cannot cause more stress in my family’s lives.  Life is already so hard for them.  Tomorrow is another day and we will face whatever life throws at us!

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die.  I am motivated by nothing yet I move on.  I have nothing but I have everything.  I just don’t want to understand.“

A lifetime ago…

Vic regrets not going to Italy


Vic regrets not going to Italy.

Vic regrets not going to Italy 2.7.2012


Nothing in the world can ever prepare a parent for that moment  when the death sentence is pronounced over your beloved child.   I remember it as if it was yesterday.

Thank God Vic was in ICU and heavily sedated at the time.  Brendan told us in the passage of the Donald Gordon.  Colin and I went into shock.  We did not ask a single question.  We just looked at him … Mute for that dreadful, heart wrenching, moment.

Later that day Colin and I went to Brendan’s consulting rooms and spoke with him.  I had so many questions and he had so few answers.  He basically said that with the Osteogenesis Imperfecta Vic’s tissue had been affected very badly.  The intestines were very poor and she had very bad endometriosis and abdominal adhesion’s.  The adhesions were the biggest threat…it would almost certainly cause blockages of the gastrointestinal or urinary tracts.  There would come a stage when they could no longer operate or her little body could not take the strain anymore…

Strange Vic knew…when she eventually came round she knew that life as she knew it was over.

When I broke the news to her she was calm.  See, all her life she knew that eventually this day would come.

The doctor recommended that we get in touch with Hospice.  We did.  We had a family meeting.  Colin parents, Danie and I and Vic and Colin.  Colin went through an anger phase.  He felt let down… he thought they would grow old together.  They had two little boys aged 3 and 5…  So many challenges!  So many emotions.  So many medical bills!  In 2002 Vic’s medical costs were R3.2m.  ICU Pharmacy accounts ran into the hundreds of thousands of rands!

With terminal illness come HUGE medical bills.  As long as there is money the doctors will operate and treat, hospitals will admit and treat…   Colin and Vic eventually lost their home due to medical bills and Danie and I started taking additional bonds against our property.

When faced with the news that a family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, many people worry about what they should say and do. They want to help, but often don’t because they are afraid they will say or do something that will further upset the loved one.

Terminally ill persons have the same physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as everyone else. What they need most of all is to be cared about, not just cared for.

Someone said that they do not see Vic anymore as they had already said their goodbyes…they could not handle the emotional trauma of going through the goodbyes time and time again.  In their lives Vic no longer lives….

When the time comes I wish I could have a “by invite only” funeral for Vic.  If you cannot care about Vic whilst she is alive why on earth would you want to attend her funeral?  It has been 10 years and Image

Physical Care is certainly the most difficult part of the dying person’s journey as far as I am concerned.  The control of acute and chronic pain is the biggest challenge that we face.  Medication every four hours is a challenge.  The days are fine but the nights – well that’s a different matter.  It is easier to stay awake until 03:00 and then go to sleep.  Danie or the boys are up by 07:00 so I sleep in.  Getting enough pain medication prescribed is the BIGGEST challenge of all.  Vic’s medical is exhausted within the first two months of the year and thereafter is a nightmare!

The other issues that we have to contend with is constipation, nausea and weakness.   Often Vic is too weak to get out of bed on her own and needs help to get to the bathroom and back.  Showering and shaving her legs is a challenge.  Almost the biggest challenge is Vic’s hair!  Vic has a thick bunch of hair and she will not wash and towel dry it!  Her hair must be blow dried!

Vic went through many stages –  anger, sadness, anxiety, and fear.  It is strange that at first we all go into denial.  Even now I still do.  Vic said earlier this week:  ” Mommy, I am so happy I will be around for Jared’s confirmation.  I know I won’t be at Jon-Daniel’s confirmation”  I immediately retaliated and said “Of course you will be baby.  You just have to keep fighting”   Why did I feel compelled to make an empty promise?

Vic’s emotions are real.  Touch is comforting to her.  She loves being hugged, touched, kissed.  She appreciates the truth.

If it had not been for Vic’s positive attitude towards life and determination to bring up her boys herself, she would have died many years ago.

Vic is now tired and ready to die.

Vic regrets not going to Italy.  She desperately wants to go to Chaka’s Rock one more time.  She wants to see her boys grow up.  She wants to make a speech at their 21st birthdays!

As a family, there is nothing unsaid.  We love Vic and she knows it.  She will continue to live even after she stopped breathing.  We will honor her wishes for the boys and keep her memory alive.  Vic may stop breathing one day but she will always live in our hearts.

Vic’s fears 2.7.2012


Vic’s fears 2.7.2012.

Vic’s fears 2.7.2012


The boys visiting Vic in hospital 28.8.2012

“Mommy, I’m not afraid of dying.  It is the pain that scares me…”

The four most common fears of the terminally ill are:

  1. That death will be painful.
  2. Loss of dignity and control.
  3. That loved ones will be damaged and unable to manage
  4. If children are involved that they will not be looked after properly.

Death will be painful

Vic the same physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as everyone else.  Her biggest fear is however the pain that will be involved in her inevitable death.  As distressing as the physical pain, Vic battles constipation, diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, weakness, loss of dignity and loss of appetite.

The average physician and pharmacist’s concern is addiction!  So what?  Addiction at this stage of the game is the least of my problems.   I do however believe that Vic has become morphine resistant.  In hospital last week Pethidine and Perfalgan worked well.   This is one of the reasons why it would be great to have Hospice involved in her pain management.

The Pain Clinic is great but they see Vic every couple of months.  In the past 10 months I have collected her monthly morphine script on 7 occasions.  Thank God they have enough empathy for Vic and enough realisation of her health situation to give me the script. The problem is how much more than 400mg of MST (morphine) twice a day can they prescribe??  Imagine if I had to drag her to the pain Clinic every 28 days…

I honestly believe that family involvement is imperative with someone as ill as Vic as she or any other terminally ill person simply cannot manage these situations alone.  Family members closely monitor the effectiveness of pain management.  I take Vic’s vitals a minimum of 3 times a day.  Her blood pressure and heart rate are clear indicators of where her pain levels are at.   I know her body better than any other person, nurse or doctor… I cannot imagine a terminally ill person having to fight for pain medication.

Loss of dignity and control.

Vic desperately wants to participate in ordinary daily activities such as being able to eat with someone; to walk to the bathroom and use it in private, unaided; to talk with a friend; to watch a favourite TV show; to hold her children.

Imagine just for one minute your mother having to help you bath, apply deodorant, dress and undress…  Vic has to endure this indignity every day of her life.

Nights are especially poignant.  Sleep difficulties abound, not only because of physical pain but also because of fear of sleep, fear of not awakening out of that sleep.  One night spent with a dying person could teach all of us, in some measure, the depth of human loneliness, anguish and fear which our own dear ones experience in the brief span of life left to them.  Vic sleeps badly at night.  She wakes every two hours from pain and then she is too scared to go back to sleep.  She refuses to take a sleeping tablet.  At night Vic is at her most vulnerable…  I am so scared that she will fall at night whilst we are sleeping.

What if Vic is nauseous and chokes in her own vomit sleeping?

That loved ones will be damaged and unable to manage

Vic worries about the family’s ability to cope with her illness and eventual death.  When Jared whispered to her “Mommy, I want your face to be the first thing I see when I wake up from the operation” he validated her fears…

Vic often says “You know Mom I worry how Daddy is going to cope with my death…” or “Mommy, do you think the boys will cope without me?” or “Promise me you will go for counselling when it is over…”

No amount of reassurance will comfort her…Vic in time will have to let go.  She knows how deeply we love her and what void her passing will leave in all our lives.  If you lose a marriage partner it is possible to find another partner and experience love again but if you lose a child or parent…how do you replace a child or parent?

Vic is quite hard on the boys (for their own good I must add).  She always says “I am your Mother not your excuse”

If children are involved that they will not be looked after properly.

Vic believes that no-one can ever love the boys the way she does.  That is true.  I am not a particularly “oochy goochy” person.  At times I believe I failed Vic as she has an emotional neediness that scares me.  I attended 12 different schools in my life and maybe this is why I battle to form emotional attachments.  I don’t have many friends.  My family is everything to me.

Vic however often says that she is happy that she moved back home as she has seen how settled the boys are.  They are truly happy living with us.

Vic knows that I will care for the boys for the rest of my life.  We will guide them and provide for them in every which way.  We love the boys with all our hearts.

The question that remains is whether she trusts us enough to let go of this pain filled life where she has lost all control and dignity?  I pray that she will…

A Mother’s Love for her Sons


A Mother’s Love for her Son’s.

A Mother’s Love for her Sons


I have been researching the effect of a mother’s illness on her children.  The boys are two beautiful, well-adjusted, honest and compassionate young men.  Vic’s illness has certainly deprived them of a childhood in the true sense of the word and prematurely matured them into compassionate, caring, young men far too early in life.  At the tender age of thirteen Jared was cooking for the family…  This must certainly have an effect on how the boys perceive relationships with people.

Now according to my research the boys have become what is called ‘parentified’ children. These children solve the problem of sick and inadequate parenting by taking care of their parents. They in effect become parents to their parents, giving to the sick parent what they need from the parent. Now the roles are reversed. This seemingly creative solution is unfortunately too self-sacrificing to be healthy in the long run.

“‘Parentified’ sons who take care of their sick mothers in order to cope with their inability to parent, struggle to suppress obvious needs for love and feelings of loss. They learn to work hard taking care of the needs of others and living off of the scraps that come in the form of reinforcements for their competence and reliability. Their needs for love are overlooked and overshadowed by everyone else’s needs.”  The boys, especially Jared, falls into this category 100%.  When his little girlfriend was hit in the eye by a hockey ball, he immediately went into caregiving mode,  At the time I thought it to be extremely unhealthy that he already has this caregiving character trait.  He used to always make the tea and offer to do so much around the house and for his Mom.

I have put a stop to this.  I pray it is not too late for the boys to adjust to a “normal” household…

It is however important for them to realize that death is a part of the circle of life and that it is not something dark and something to be feared but rather, if happening in a timely fashion, something that one can embrace. The boys appreciate and respect Vic as their mother.   Vic has raised her sons to be respectful.

“The power of a mother’s strength comes from her heart, from her unabashed, unconditional, and unwavering love for her child. There is, as J.K. Rowling wrote in her Harry Potter books, a magic in that love. No matter what happens, a mother is always there for her child. A mother’s love is never to be questioned, and – though she may not know it at first – neither is her strength.”

Vic literally rose from her deathbed to be there for Jared with his operation on Wednesday.  When my Mom died I related her final moments to someone jumping from a diving board into a deep pool, reaching the bottom and kicking to rise to the surface of the water for one more breath… only to sink again.  This is what Vic does.

Before Jared was wheeled into theatre he whispered into his mom’s ear.  She took his hand and said “I promise”.

Vic, drip in hand, walking with Jared to theater!

The surgeon said the operation would last two hours.  Vic dutifully went back to bed and rested.  One hour and forty-five minutes later she was, IV drip in hand, standing outside the theatre door, waiting for her son.  I begged her to at least sit on the chair but she refused.  “Mommy, I promised Jared my face would be the first thing he sees when he comes out of theatre!”

It took a superhuman effort but Vic’s love for her son drove her to keep her word.  It is true that no mother wants her child to suffer in any way, but life is unfair like that. So, we as mother’s do what we can to provide support, comfort, and protection. And we grow strong enough to bear their hurt as well as our own.  As Vic did.  As I do. Motherhood cuts deeply, brings you to your knees most days; but it also brings a strength that may surprise you.

The vicious cycle of anger truly rose to the occasions on Wednesday.  I got angry with Vic because she was not putting her health first!  I KNOW I would have done the same but it was terrible seeing my child do herself harm to be a Mother.  I want to wrap her in cotton so she would be spared that extra day…

Yesterday Vic said she doubted whether she would see the end of the year.  She is however adamant to be at Jared’s confirmation…one more goal…

Go Girl!!!

Well, Vic is home.  I am so grateful.  She is conceding that she is too sore and ill to go to hospital…Saturday Jared comes home!!

A vicious cycle of nerves


I thought Sunday to Wednesday was a nightmare but boy oh boy come Wednesday morning and my child became a terror!  The “my son really needs me” adrenaline kicked in and Vic was uncontrollable!

She was out of bed, marching into Jared’s ward as if she was the healthiest person in the world!  I was at a total loss.  My dearest friend Gillian wrote me a message: “What a wonderful mom.  Her child comes before her illness. WillVic Accompanying Jared to theater. not let go until her kids are okay. You can be very proud of your daughter”… My reply was: “Yeah – too cross with her to give her any credit at this stage”

Vic cannot pace herself.  Like on Sunday, she will be like a jack-in-the-box and when the moment is over, crash!  In this super human effort to be there for Jared she causes so much stress to everyone around her.  Jared stresses because she fusses around him, I stress because she is overdoing things again and I know there is a severe penalty to be paid for that, Jon-Daniel stresses for both them!  Danie stresses for me… I get irritated with Danie for trying to protect me…. It is a vicious cycle of nerves!

Jared’s operation went very well.  The poor baby was in so much pain but stoically brave!  Not a whimper!!  I am so proud of this beautiful boy.  I was a little concerned for his emotional well being after Sunday.  He cried with fear and frustration for his mother.

Vic was up and down the passages last night checking on her son!  This morning Jared said “Oumie I am so tired.  Mom kept coming in and touching me…”  Vic means so well!  She wants to be there for her children but often does not understand that she is the sick one.  Her actions stress us out.  On the other hand, I must admit, that I was more at ease knowing that Vic was in the same hospital as Jared and able to check on him…

It is such a heart wrenching situation.  Vic wants to be a mother and I want her to be a child!!  When she is okay she can be whatever she wants’ to be.  When she is ill I want her to become my baby again…  Vic is an amazing mother.  She loves her boys with every fiber of her body.  She has fought to stay alive for the boys.  Who am I or anyone to deprive her of this wonderful privilege?  At the end of the day it is her reward for surviving the odds…

On Monday the physician cancelled the bloods he had ordered and agreed that palliative care was the only route to go… I don’t think he thought she would leave the hospital alive… On Wednesday Vic was looking out for her son…What a brave woman my child is.

Vic was discharged from hospital this morning.  It is Thursday.

Vicky is super-human!

37 years on death row 19.6.2012


Today was a day out of hell for Vicky.  She is deadly pale – she actually has a ghost like appearance.  She was so ill that she was unable to take pain medication and now her pain is out of control.

If I am having a hard time with this how must this poor child feel?  HOW CAN SHE CARRY ON???

Jared has withdrawn completely!   Rene, Jared’s councillor managed to speak to Jon-Daniel today.   He is in total denial!  He said “My Mom is a miracle.  She was not supposed to live past the age of 12 The doctors said she would die when she fell pregnant with my brother and me and she is still alive.  Lots of times they said she would die…She will get better again”

At first I was filled with disbelief and then I realized with a shock that Jon-Daniel is right!  A couple of weeks ago I bumped into an ex-business partner.  When he inquired after Vic’s health I said that she was desperately ill and that I thought that the end was near.  Frik laughed and said “that is what you said 15 years ago when she was pregnant with her eldest son…”

Reading some of the pre-blog stuff that I wrote and when I look in my Bible there are markings “Vic ICU“, “Vic critical”, etc etc etc.

Vic has been on death row all her life.  I know we start dying the day we are born but for most of our lives we are oblivious to the fact.  At funerals we may think of our own mortality but for the rest of it we think we are invincible.  Jon-Daniel thinks his Mom is invincible.

A colleague asked me earlier today what he should pray for when he prays for Vic.  I replied “Mercy”.  When I got home tonight and I saw this tiny, pitiful little bundle doubled over from the pain,  I panicked and thought to myself “What if Jon-Daniel is right and she gets better again?”

If there is a God He will release my poor child from this dreadful life!  It is an inhuman existence that not even an animal deserves.  If Vic had been an animal she would have been put out of her misery a long time ago!!  God does not have to heal her.  He does not even have to take all her pain away.  If she could just have SOME quality of life…some pain free time with her boys… Please God hear my prayer!

“I’m going to dance my way to heaven…” 14.6.2012


“I am going to dance my way to heaven because I have already been through Hell” – is the copyrighted saying of a brave lady who is terminally ill.  I cannot find her blog nor a reference in Google that this is the case, but I would like to credit her with this.  It was posted in Vic’s facebook by a family member.  If I created the impression that it is my clever line I apologise!  The credit goes to  Martha Mayhew-Merson – Meriale46@aol.com

This afternoon Vic and I were chatting and then she said: “Mommy, why does God hate me?  Why does He let me suffer like this?  Why doesn’t He allow me to die?”

I could not come up with a reply.  I don’t have an answer to this question that not only haunts Vic but so many other people.  Today Rob Cramp, Tracey, (both very dear friends to Vic) as well as Hermien, the pharmacist, asked me exactly the same question.

“I’m going to dance my way to heaven, because I’ve already been through Hell.. Vicky Bruce you are one of God’s special angels.”  My young niece, Muriel, posted this apt message on Vic’s Facebook Page.  Sometimes I think the Catholics are right about purgatory.  Only this must be the purgatory stage of our existence.  This existence of ours can only be Hell…

I omitted to say in yesterday’s post, that with a few exceptions, euthanasia and assisted suicide are very cowardly actions – the ill person getting their caregiver to do the dirty deed.  It is such a selfish action.  If the sick person can swallow their own tablets they can take their own lives.  This is my opinion.

Life is hard but death is even harder.

Tonight I am feeling mentally and physically exhausted.  Depressed actually.

Tomorrow I will feel better.    Tomorrow my brave child will continue her relentless battle against pain and indignity.

God have mercy…

Vic and the boys in better days – 23.8.2011

Adhesion’s are like ivy…8.6.2012


Today is really a bad day!  Vic is not well at all!  She is experiencing severe intestinal pain.  I think it is the adhesions that maybe causing the pain.

I have visions of the adhesions strangling her intestines.  Adhesions are like ivy – fast growing and aggressive.  Her surgeon says that the adhesions have formed a solid concrete wall and the tissue is like soggy tissue.  I look at diagrams and photos of adhesions, partial and complete obstructions and I find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that the surgery that saved her yesterday is killing her today.

We have reached a stage in Vic’s journey where she is almost 100% bedbound.  She needs help with every facet of her life.

Vic is very aware that her declining health is leading her towards death.  She says she is not scared of dying but I know that she has many other fears and emotions.  She fears for her boys and us – how we will cope with the inevitable.  She worries about the emotional and financial stress of her situation.  She grieves the fact that she will not see her sons graduate or marry.

People say “well, at least you can say goodbye…I never got to say goodbye to my loved one…”  Today I want to say to those people “Be Grateful”!  Do you think it is easy to stand next to the bed of your child seeing her suffer?  Fighting back tears of frustration because you are so darn helpless!  Watching as every day she loses more of her dignity?  Seeing the tears of pain run down her pale cheeks?  Think again! Prolonged goodbyes are absolute hell.

Just about the worse part of the situation is the helplessness that I see in the boys’ eyes when they look at their Mom.  I see their red-rimmed eyes.  I hear them cry in the privacy of their rooms.  I can only hold them.  I cannot say everything will be okay or that things will be better tomorrow.  Because I know it won’t be!

No-one will ever love me again… 5.6.2012


In 1994, responding to the need for a more useful system for describing chronic pain, the International Association for the Study of Pain (IASP) classified pain according to specific characteristics: (1) region of the body involved (e.g., abdomen, lower limbs), (2) system whose dysfunction may be causing the pain (e.g., nervous, gastrointestinal), (3) duration and pattern of occurrence, (4) intensity and time since onset, and (5) etiology.[9] This system has been criticized by Clifford J. Woolf and others as inadequate for guiding research and treatment.[10] According to Woolf, there are three classes of pain : nociceptive pain (see hereunder), inflammatory pain which is associated with tissue damage and the infiltration of immune cells, and pathological pain which is a disease state caused by damage to the nervous system (neuropathic pain, see hereunder) or by its abnormal function (dysfunctional pain, like in fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, tension type headache, etc.).[11]  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pain

Nociceptive pain is caused by stimulation of peripheral nerve fibers that respond only to stimuli approaching or exceeding harmful intensity (nociceptors), and may be classified according to the mode of noxious stimulation; the most common categories being “thermal” (heat or cold), “mechanical” (crushing, tearing, etc.) and “chemical” (iodine in a cut, chili powder in the eyes).

Nociceptive pain may also be divided into “visceral,” “deep somatic” and “superficial somatic” pain. Visceral structures are highly sensitive to stretch, ischemia and inflammation, but relatively insensitive to other stimuli that normally evoke pain in other structures, such as burning and cutting. Visceral pain is diffuse, difficult to locate and often referred to a distant, usually superficial, structure. It may be accompanied by nausea and vomiting and may be described as sickening, deep, squeezing, and dull.[15] Deep somatic pain is initiated by stimulation of nociceptors in ligaments, tendons, bones, blood vessels, fasciae and muscles, and is dull, aching, poorly localized pain. Examples include sprains and broken bones. Superficial pain is initiated by activation of nociceptors in the skin or other superficial tissue, and is sharp, well-defined and clearly located. Examples of injuries that produce superficial somatic pain include minor wounds and minor (first degree) burns.[13]

Vic’s pain falls into all of the abovementioned classes. 

Today was a very bad pain day. This morning Vic said “Mommy my body is so sore I cannot cry.  My eyes are just tearing…”

I don’t understand pain.  I have never been seriously ill.  Once every couple of years I may get a cold or flu and then I immediately start moaning and groaning.  I am such a wimp!!  I could never understand tummy-ache.  I have NEVER had tummy ache in my life!  I once said to my friend Marlene that I lie in bed and I try and will my body to “pain” – needless to say it just doesn’t happen that way.  Marlene said there was a certain laxative that she had used that gave her very bad tummy cramps.  I desperately needed to know what my poor baby was experiencing every day.

I bought a packet of the tablets and took one.  (I sleep from half a Disprin).  Emotionally I was prepared to experience the pain, more specifically the tummy ache that my child lived with every day of her life.  Well, I nearly died from pain.  Nothing could ever prepare me for the tearing pain that wracked my body.  I cried, prayed, begged God to let me die… My ordeal lasted maybe 30 minutes…

Vic is so brave.  I know with every fibre in my body that if I was subjected to that type of pain every day of my life I would end my life.

I believe in Euthanasia.  The right to die with dignity. Is “die” the right word?  I think not!   I think a more accurate description would be “the right to stop breathing” because when one is in so much pain you are no longer living – you are only breathing. Will I ever give Vic an extra dose of morphine?  Hell no!!  She wants to live.  She fights to breathe.  She wants to see her boys grow up.

Vic was very emotional today.  Maybe it is just the physical pain.  It breaks my heart when she is sad.  A couple of weeks ago she said to me “Mommy, it makes me so sad to know that no-one will ever love me again.”  Even as a little girl Vic always wanted to be married and be a mommy.  She was three years old when she started playing the “Guess what my baby’s name is going to be when I am big?” game.

This morning Lanie came to visit.  She is truly a breath of fresh air.  She is our biker child.  Last year she bought a Ducati Monster bike.  She lives life to the full.  She is a fun mommy.  On Friday she popped in with the girls for a quick visit.  Tom, her husband, also left work early to visit.  The girls, Kari and Simone, performed a little concert and for a short while we laughed and forgot about the cloud of illness, impending death and excruciating pain that hangs over our home.

The boys are studying so hard!  Hope their exams go well tomorrow!Image