When the soul leaves the body


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auoJV4re3nU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auoJV4re3nU

When a child is born we laugh, cry with joy and celebrate; when a loved one dies we cry with heartbreak and mourn.  We spend a lifetime celebrating life.  Grief too deserves time, attention, honour and embracing.

Grief is painful, yet it gives us a glimpse of Heaven – afterlife… Life after death…

I have seen a quite a few people die.  Mostly very close family… my mom, my mother-in-law, my dad and my precious child.  I have seen strangers die – patients in TB hospitals, AIDS patients in hospital; a young man burning to death after a car accident…

My Mom died when she developed septicaemia from surgery.  She was confused from the raging fever and the infection ravaging her little body.  Mom knew that it would be her last surgery.  She said that she would not survive the operation and was prepared for death.  Mom died with my dad and us kids standing around her bed – taking turns to pray for her.  Like Vic she fought for life until death won the battle.

The day my mom-in-law died I sat next to her bed.  It was just the two of us.  I asked her whether she was scared.  She smiled and shook her head.  I know that she looked forward to death…to the afterlife.  Hours later when this gracious lady just stopped breathing her children and I were standing around her bed.  We were singing her favourite hymn.  Her death was gentle and dignified.

My Dad was not aware of the fact that he was dying… He developed Alzheimer’s pneumonia and gently lapsed into a coma.  My dad just forgot how to breathe.  If he was aware of the fact that he was dying I think he would have been surprised.  He did not “know” he was dying.  I know he would have been grateful that he had been spared that final indignity of Alzheimer’s.  He died the way he lived – with dignity and gentleness…

My precious child died fighting.  She had so much left to do.  She had children to raise.  Vic, like my mom, did not know how to not fight to live another day…

I suppose we all have pre-conceived ideas of how people should handle death emotionally and spiritually.  For years I would ask Vic whether she had asked God for forgiveness and mercy before she went into theatre for more surgery…Later in life I thought how stupid of me.  Vic lived a life, obedient to the greatest commandment – To love God with mind, body and soul….and her neighbour… I knew that Vic had made peace with God.  In death Vic requested Last Communion…  Her spiritual rituals were taken care off.

Vic said her goodbyes.  It was heart-breaking for everyone who loved her.  She needed to hear that we would honour her memory, not forget what she represented in life.  She needed to hear that her sons would remember her as their Mother and not use her as an excuse.  She thanked people over and over for their friendship and love; their caring and loyalty…

Nothing was left unsaid.    I read somewhere “something said or not said, something you wish you had done differently, can stick inside you like a splinter.”

The scenes of death that I have witnessed and lived through were sacred.  I saw souls depart from the bodies of my loved ones… I saw that there is more than life-sustaining organs to a body.  There is a soul…There is no comparison to the appearance of the body after the soul has left the body.

I saw Vic’s father’s soul leave his body five days before he was declared brain-dead.  I was standing next to his hospital bed asking him for forgiveness.  I realised standing there that I was not the only one who suffered from our divorce.  I realised that I too had caused him pain.  I spoke to him about God and Heaven – I prayed for him.  One bloody tear ran down his check.  He continued to breathe on the ventilator, but I felt his soul leave his body.

The willingness to sit at death’s bedside – to embrace the loss experiences in our lives – opens a window into Heaven.  I do not fear death.  I know when my time comes I will embrace death knowing that I will be reunited with my child, my parents, loved ones, friends…the ones I leave behind will eventually follow and join us.   When something leaves it goes somewhere.  It is a displacement of energy.

Now I am between birth and death.  Heaven awaits.

Some of my related posts and other great reads:

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/29/one-bloody-tear/
https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/03/happy-birthday-mommy-3-8-2012/
https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/
http://humansarefree.com/2011/03/russian-scientist-consciousness.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auoJV4re3nU
http://jimmyakin.com/when-the-soul-leaves-the-body
http://www.arachimusa.org/Index.asp?ArticleID=61&CategoryID=359&Page=1

 

Marie Curie advert of patients last moments


The purpose of any Hospice is death with dignity. Our mission is to provide love and support to our dying patients and their loved ones.

ALZHEIMER’S – A SPECIAL POEM


The best father in the world...
The best father in the world…

 

My beautiful dad died of Alzheimer’s.  

 This poem is for you Daddy.  You are my hero; the best father in the world.  You loved unconditionally.  you held onto your dignity with superhuman effort….

I was so proud of you.  You clung to your old-fashioned manners and values until death.

I am glad you died with your dignity intact.  I loved you every day of your life and will continue to love you every day of my life.

A special Poem
 
Do not ask me to remember.
Don’t try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you’re with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
 
I’m confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
 
Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different ‘though I try.
 
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ’till my life is done.
 
– Unknown
My Dad a month before his death....it was such a wonderful day!
My Dad a month before his death….it was such a wonderful day!
My dad and I on my wedding day
My dad and I on my wedding day
Simply the best
Simply the best
Vic adored her Gramps and he adored her!
Vic adored her Gramps and he adored her!

IMG_2538 (2)

My hero!
My hero!

Mirella cannot do PT…


 

Gr 2 year.  Vic's birthday party
Gr 2 year. Vic’s birthday party

I read this lovely post that truly brought a smile to my face. – Thank you Kate!  This post brought a smile to my face and a lovely memory moment to my heart.  I am not going to spoil this funny post by telling you what it is about as I would encourage you to pop over and read it personally.  I cannot do it justice.  http://kateswaffer.com/2013/05/28/tuesday-humour-is-god-a-woman/

For one or other reason this post reminded me of a funny incident when Vic was in Gr 2 at a Convent.

Vic was a very bright little girl and a natural-born leader.  She was an excellent little speller.  Vic was never allowed to participate in any Physical Training lessons at school.  The poor little poppet had to sit and watch her little friends running around, honing their developmental skills through exercise.

It is not clear what the reason was, but one of her little friends decided that she would join Vic on the benches – just watching.  Maybe she forgot her PT clothes at home, maybe she wanted to keep Vic company – who knows?  Mrs Bowling was the PT teacher.  The kids were pretty scared of her… She had a booming voice and intimidating stature.

When I arrived at school that afternoon I was taken aside by Vic’s class teacher, Sr Norbitt.  In a hushed tone she told me that I had to see the principal… There had been an “incident”.  Dear Sr Norbitt’s face had a disapproving scowl on it, but she did assure me that Vicky was not ill or hurt…

I was asked to take a seat in the principal’s office.  I was really very concerned that something serious had happened.

Mother Superior proceeded to tell me that Vic’s little friend had presented a letter to Mrs Bowling excusing her from PT.  She took out the note and I immediately recognised Vic’s baby handwriting…big, perfectly rounded letters saying…

“Dear Mrs Bowling
Mirella can not do PT.  She is sick.  She has X-Rays
Mirella Mommy”

When the girls were confronted with this very obvious forgery, they admitted that Vic had written the letter because she was the best speller in the class and knew about diseases because she was always sick…  Vic wanted to really impress the girls but the only “sick” word she could spell was….. X-Rays!

They were given a week’s detention.

untitled21

Terms of Endearment


images (14)

I have often compared Vicky and my lives with the lives of Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine) and her daughter Emma (Debra Winger).  Terms of Endearment cover three decades in the lives of widow Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine) and her daughter Emma (Debra Winger).

Fiercely protected by Aurora throughout childhood, Emma runs into resistance from her mother when she marries wishy-washy college teacher Flap (Jeff Daniels). Seventy five minutes into the movie Emma discovers that she has terminal cancer. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/terms_of_endearment/

The final third of the movie is about Emma dying and the family’s journey coming to terms with it.

Aurora, the mother, is a sharp-tongued, controlling mother who is fiercely protective of her only daughter.  Emma, the daughter, is a rebel…  Just like Vic and I were.

I was distraught, like Aurora, when I found out Vic was pregnant.  I hated the foetus that was growing in her body… I knew it could kill her.  The second I lay eyes on Jared, I experienced a rush of love that has never been equalled…Don’t misunderstand me – I love all my grandchildren equally.  But, when I first saw Jared I knew I was capable of perfect love.

Aurora grows to love her grandchildren with that perfect love.

Aurora and I are not the touchy types.  Vic and Emma would hug and hold on forever.  I was often uncomfortable with the “excessive” display of emotion.  Vic and I always held hands but I get uncomfortable with long hugs….being that close to another person for a “long” time.  Vic thought I was the worse hugger ever.  There was a day that Vic said “You have not gone all stiff Mommy.  That was a perfect hug.”  In the movie there is a scene where mother and daughter hug.  Emma Horton says: “Momma, that’s the first time I stopped hugging first. I like that.”

100_7451 images (11)

Then of course there is the dreadful hospital scenes where Emma is in so much pain.  Aurora is calm, matter of fact and placating when she talks to her beloved daughter.  She loses her calm exterior the minute that she walks out of the room into the nurses’ station.

Aurora Greenway: It’s past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don’t understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT’S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can’t you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!

Whilst I was with Vic I smiled, I encouraged and placated…the minute I walked out of Vic’s hospital room God help the sister or doctor I got hold off…  Doctors made U-Turns when they saw me waiting for them; Brendan actually said he was scared of me and would not want to bump into me in a dark passage.

images (6)  images (12)

But that is what Mother’s do.  We fight for our children.  We protect them at all costs and with total disregard to the rest of the world.

Living with a terminally ill child is devastating.  I wanted to fold Vic into my arms, lock out the world and the disease, and protect her from pain.  In the real world we fight with our dying child to keep on fighting, look after themselves, to do what we believe is right… We fight for them, with them…..We fight for their lives.

This fragile balance and relationship is beautifully depicted in Terms of Endearment when the mother (Aurora Greenway) says: I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Emma Horton: What do you mean? When do we fight?

Aurora Greenway: WHEN do we FIGHT? I always think of us as fighting!

Emma Horton: That’s because you’re never satisfied with me.

Vic often used similar words.  She would never “space” herself.  Half a breath of oxygen in her lungs and she was driving and organising a party.  I would fight and remind her that driving (under the influence of humungous quantities of morphine) invariably lead to a fractured vertebrae or two…

“Don’t fight with me Mommy” she would say.

4th of January 2013
4th of January 2013

The most moving scheme in the movie is when Emma says goodbye to her sons.  In the two years, before her dying, her eldest son had withdrawn from her. IMG_8569

saying goodbye

Emma Horton: I know you like me. I know it. For the last year or two, you’ve been pretending like you hate me. I love you very much. I love you as much as I love anybody, as much as I love myself. And in a few years when I haven’t been around to be on your tail about something or irritating you, you could… remember that time that I bought you the baseball glove when you thought we were too broke. You know? Or when I read you those stories? Or when I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn? Lots of things like that. And you’re gonna realize that you love me. And maybe you’re gonna feel badly, because you never told me. But don’t – I know that you love me. So don’t ever do that to yourself, all right?

Vic was so worried about Jon-Daniel.  He withdrew during her very ill spells.  I remember the one night when she crawled into bed with me.  She was crying bitterly.  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/23/23-5-2012/  She spoke about how Jon-Daniel would suffer from guilt after she died.  “Tell him I say thank-you for making me laugh”

Jon-Daniel and his brave Mommy - January 2013
Jon-Daniel and his brave Mommy – January 2013

In the dying scene Emma folds her hand under her chin.  Vic always slept with her little hand under her chin.

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/02/28/the-boys/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/23/23-5-2012/

Terms of Endearment quotes – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086425/quotes

Vic and I
Vic and I

Fruit and cancer


I am posting two interesting articles.  These are not medical opinions.  The first on fruit I reposted this from an email that I received.  The originator is apparently a Dr Stephen Mak who makes wild claims of curing 80% of all cancers with a fruit diet.  I don’t believe that at all.  But that is my personal opinion.  I love fruit and could quite honestly live on fruit.  I did find it interesting that one should only eat fruit on an empty stomach.

I know that grated apple and celery on an empty stomach is a 100% cure for constipation.

Eating Fruit on an empty stomach

EATING FRUIT… 

Phot Credit:  Google
Phot Credit: Google

We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits, cutting it and just popping it into our mouths. It’s not as easy as you think. It’s important to know how and when to eat.

What is the correct way of eating fruits? 

IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUITS AFTER YOUR MEALS! * FRUITS SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. 
If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities. 

FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD. Let’s say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit.  The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from doing so.  In the meantime the whole meal rots and ferments and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil…. 

So please eat your fruits on an empty stomach or before your meals! You have heard people complaining — every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats up, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet, etc — actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas and hence you will bloat! 

Graying hairbaldingnervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all these will NOT happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach. 

There is no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruits become alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter.  If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you have the SECRET of beauty, longevity, health, energy, happiness and normal weight.

When you need to drink fruit juice – drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans. Don’t even drink juice that has been heated up. Don’t eat cooked fruits because you don’t get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins. 

But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice.  If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body. Just eat fruits and drink fruit juice throughout the 3 days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you how radiant you look! 

KIWI:  Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of POTASIUM, MAGNESIUM, VITAMIN E & FIBER.   Its VITAMIN C content is twice that of an orange.   

Photo Credit: Wise Geeks
Photo Credit: Wise Geeks

APPLE:  An apple a day keeps the doctor away?  Although an apple has a low VITAMIN C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of VITAMIN C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke

STRAWBERRY:  Protective Fruit.  Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causingblood vessel-clogging free radicals

ORANGE:  Sweetest medicine.  Taking 2-4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessens the risk of colon cancer

WATERMELON:  Coolest thirst quencher.  Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system.  They are also a key source of lycopene  —  the cancer fighting oxidant.    Other nutrients found in watermelon are      VITAMIN C & POTASIUM. 

Photo Credit: www.bhmpics.com
Photo Credit: http://www.bhmpics.com

GUAVA & PAPAYA:   Top awards for vitamin C.   They are the clear winners for their high VITAMIN C content…  Guava is also rich in FIBER, which helps prevent constipation.       PAPAYA is rich in CAROTENE; this is good for your eyes. 

Drinking Cold water after a meal = CANCER!   Can u believe this????   For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you.   It is nice to have a cup of cold drink (water or juice)  after and/or during a meal.  However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed.    It will slow down the digestion.  Once this ‘sludge’ reacts with the acid,  it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food.  It will line the intestine.  Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer.   It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal. 

Photo Credit www.teddyhariadi.com
Photo Credit http://www.teddyhariadi.com

A serious note about heart attacks……..   HEART  ATTACK  PROCEDURE’:            (THIS IS NOT A JOKE!)   Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting.   Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.  You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.   Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.   Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.  Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let’s be careful and be aware.   The more we know the better chance we could survive.   

Photo Credit: Westmidlands Health UK
Photo Credit: Westmidlands Health UK

The 1 minute stroke test – By  WebMD Health News

 Feb. 13, 2003 (Phoenix) — A team of stroke researchers has devised a one-minute test that can be used by ordinary people to diagnose stroke — and the test is so simple that even a child can use it. Such an easy, quick test could potentially save thousands of stroke sufferers from the disabling effects by allowing faster treatment.

 “It is just three simple steps” says Jane Brice, MD, assistant professor of emergency medicine at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill School of Medicine. Brice tells WebMD that the test is based on a scale developed by researchers at the University of Cincinnati. The three-part test, called the Cincinnati Pre-Hospital Stroke Scale (CPSS), can be used to diagnose most strokes, says Brice.

Brice and her colleagues measured the accuracy of the test by first teaching it to 100 healthy bystanders. The bystanders then performed the test on stroke survivors. To diagnose a stroke, the bystanders performed the following three steps:

1. Bystander told the patients, “Show me your teeth.” The “smile test” is used to check for one-sided facial weakness — a classic sign of stroke.

 2. Then the patients were told to close their eyes and raise their arms. Stroke patients usually cannot raise both arms to the same height, a sign of arm weakness.

 3. Finally, the patients were asked to repeat a simple sentence to check for slurring of speech, which is another classic sign of stroke. “In Cincinnati, the researchers asked patients to say, ‘The sky is blue in Cincinnati,'” says Brice. But in the study, the researchers varied four simple phrases such as “Don’t cry over spilled milk.”

Overall, 97% of the bystanders were able to accurately follow the directions for giving the test, says Amy S. Hurwitz, a medical student at UNC who helped design the study.

The bystanders were 96% accurate at detecting speech problems and 97% accurate at spotting one-sided arm weakness. They were less accurate at detecting facial weakness — with only a 72% accuracy rate for this test. But Hurwitz says, “It is difficult to detect differences in the smile of a stranger. We are hoping that in most cases the ‘bystander’ will actually be someone who knows the patient and so an unusual smile will be apparent.”

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail, sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we’ll save at least one life.

 

Date of cremation….


I am busy with my child’s estate.  It is absolutely horrible!!!!!!

Today, 131 days after Vic died, I have to complete an insurance form.  The question I cannot answer is “Date of Cremation”.  I did not want to know!  This is another date that will stick to my memory until the day I die….  I had to send an email to the undertaker.  I await his reply.

I held my child death certificate and Notice of Death form DHA-1663A in my hands… On page 1 of 3 is Vic’s tiny little thumbprints, on page 2 of 3 – my thumbprint.  I am listed as the “informant”.  On page 3 of 3 the thumbprint of the Undertaker…

Form number DHA-1663A
Form number DHA-1663A

The darn certificates are smudged with tears now.  Oh well, tough luck!!

No parent should ever have to do, whatever executors have to do, for their child…  It feels as if my heart was ripped out of my chest! 

To-do list: OUTSTANDING FORMS TO SUBMIT

  1. DEATH NOTICE – FORM J294
  2. PARTICULARS OF NEXT-OF-KIN FORM J192
  3. INVENTORY – FORM J243
  4. ACCEPTANCE OF TRUST AS EXECUTOR
  5. CREDITORS LIST
  6. AFFIDAVIT RE EXECUTORSHIP
  7. SPECIAL POWER OF ATTORNEY
  8. INSURANCE POLICY CLAIMS

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO TO SUBMIT THESE STUPID DARN FORMS TO!!  I suppose there will be a website somewhere that will tell me.

I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!!!!

 

How is Your Day Going?


I woke up crying this morning.  I wept for my child, my motherless grandsons, Izak, who has gone to a forever home, my blogger friend Julie @ http://jmgoyder.wordpress.com/ who is going through a dreadful time; Len @ http://myownheart.me/ who still counts the days since her precious Klysta died, Morgan’s Mom…Sandra @ http://thedrsays.org/ dying from congenital heart failure…  I did not want to get out of bed.

Well, I eventually did and found this wonderful email from my friend, Christelle.  It brought a smile to my face, and I decided that I MUST share it with all of you…  I hope it brings a smile to your face too…

 

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm,

but how to dance in the rain.

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse…..

Untitled attachment 000101 (1)

Untitled attachment 000132

Untitled attachment 000163

Untitled attachment 000194

Untitled attachment 000225 Untitled attachment 000256

Untitled attachment 000287

Untitled attachment 000349

Untitled attachment 0003710

Untitled attachment 0004011

 

Hospice patients live longer


15929_491720234200656_1176029404_n

This post is all about pain and the myths and realities in hospice care

Palliative care usually starts too late.  We see it on a daily basis at Stepping Stone Hospice…  Most patients die within days of becoming patients.  Doctors continue to treat the patients until days before their death.  Referring a patient to Hospice means “conceding defeat”.

If patients were timorously referred to Hospice they would enjoy far greater quality of life than they do without.  It is a total fallacy that Hospice patients die sooner than non-hospice patients.

Research published in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management found that terminally ill patients who received hospice care lived on average 29 days longer than those who did not opt for hospice near the end of life.  Source: National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization

Survival Periods
For the entire sample of all disease cohorts, the mean number of survival days was eight days longer for hospice patients than for non hospice patients (337 vs. 329 days, P ¼ 0.00079).
This difference includes the effects of many factors including demographics and sample sizes of the two cohorts. When we normalized these other factors, the difference in days increases to 29 days, as we show later in the regression.  The survival period was significantly longer for the hospice cohort than for the non hospice cohort for the following diseases: CHF (402 vs. 321 days, P ¼ 0.0540), lung cancer (279 vs. 240 days, P < 0.0001), and pancreatic cancer (210 vs. 189 days, P ¼ 0.0102). The survival period was longer for the hospice cohort than non hospice cohort for colon cancer, and the difference approached but did not reach statistical significance (414 vs. 381 days, P ¼.0792).  http://www.nhpco.org/sites/default/files/public/JPSM/march-2007-article.pdf     

World Health Organization (WHO) definition of Palliative Care   Palliative Care is an approach that improves the quality of life of patients and their families facing problems associated with life-threatening illness, through the prevention and relief of suffering, the early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual.

I reposted this amazing article/post By Terre Mirsch on the myths surrounding Hospice

Unmanaged pain is one of the greatest fears of those facing serious illness and is the reason that many choose hospice care. Uncontrolled pain causes suffering and significantly impacts quality of life and total wellbeing. Pain may also lead to other problems including difficulty sleeping, fatigue, poor appetite, and a compromised immune system. Persistent pain can also lead to social isolation, depression, anger, and anxiety. Spiritually, one may begin to question the meaning of the pain and wonder “Why is God doing this to me?”

The good news is that living with advanced illness does not mean that one has to live with uncontrolled pain. The majority of time, pain can be controlled by relatively simple means using easy to administer medications. But caregivers often worry that they do not have the knowledge and skills, or the confidence to administer the proper medications or treatments prescribed for their loved ones.

Misconceptions about pain and commonly used medications may create barriers to controlling pain effectively. Understanding what pain is, how it can be effectively managed, and alleviating common misconceptions is the first step towards reducing these barriers.

Myth:  “My loved one doesn’t look like he is in pain. That must mean that the pain is not that bad.”

Reality:  In 1984, pain research expert, Margo McCafferty defined pain as “whatever the experiencing person says it is, existing whenever he says it does.” We cannot tell if a person is having pain by looking at them. Only the person having pain knows how it feels so it is important that we ask the person if they are having pain and how it feels and we need to listen to their answer.

MythIt is best to wait until the pain is severe before taking pain medications.”

Reality:  It is best to stay ahead of the pain by taking medications around the clock when treating persistent pain. The longer pain goes untreated, the harder it is to ease. If the prescription says to take the medicine at certain times or at certain time intervals (for example, every four hours), make sure this is done.

Myth:  “People who take strong narcotic pain medication become addicted.”

Reality:  Opioid analgesics (also referred to as narcotics) are highly effective for many types of pain and can be given safely. Addiction is defined by a compulsive craving and use of a drug, which results in physical, psychological, and social harm to the user. Addiction is NOT a problem for people who take opioid medications for persistent uncontrolled pain.

Myth:  “When people with chronic pain are treated with strong pain medications, they will have to take more and more medication as time goes by to get the same pain relief.”

Reality:  Most patients take stable dosages of medication. Increases in medication dosage may result from worsening physical status. Sometimes tolerance develops and more medication is needed. It is important to understand that there is no highest dose for the amount of opioid medication that can be prescribed – there will always be something more that can be given to achieve comfort.

Myth “The side effects of strong pain medications make people too sleepy.”

Reality The goal of pain management is to achieve comfort while maintaining optimal alertness. Side effects of drowsiness will reduce or disappear within a few days. The most common side effect is constipation which can be controlled with a regular routine of medications aimed at keeping bowels regular.

Myth:  “Once you start taking morphine, the end is always near.”

Reality:  Morphine does not initiate the final phase of life or lead directly to death. Morphine provides relief of severe, chronic pain, promotes relaxation and comfort, and can also help to make breathing easier. Morphine does not lead to death. Morphine does not kill.

Good pain management improves quality of life and may even extend life. Palliative care and hospice professionals can provide you and your loved one with expert help that can help to manage the physical and emotional pain of life limiting illness. Caring for a loved one in pain can be difficult but with the right guidance and understanding, both you and your loved one can experience the comfort and support you deserve.

 http://www.careconfidently.com/2012/05/14/all-about-pain-myths-and-realities-in-hospice-care/

I know that Hospice provided my child with life.  I believe that Vic would have died months earlier if she had not been treated by Hospice.  It is a basic human right to die with dignity.  I am grateful that Vic had the privilege of dying with dignity.

IMG_9627

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela


How we forget things… even great things!

The brain is a marvellous thing.  Let me rephrase that – my brain is a marvellous thing!  It shuts out bad memories…

Photo Credit:  http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/
Photo Credit:

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

I am starting to forget Vic’s pain, the relentless nausea, intestinal obstructions, cramping.  I have blocked all the excursions to doctors, Radiology and Pathology Departments…the countless “Bad News” meeting with doctors.  I now focus on my longing for her.  The good and funny times…

I am unable to remain angry for a long time.  Well, at least with people I love.  I forgive easily.  Life is too short, and negative energy drains me.  Danie, my husband, believes I have a split personality.  If, or rather when we have an argument, I will say what I want to say.  I play the ball and not the man.  I don’t get personal nor do I generalise.  Within minutes of the argument I would have forgotten I am angry and start chatting again as if nothing ever happened.  Danie will sulk and stay angry for days…

When I have been harmed by malicious people, I forget.  They no longer “exist” in my life, but I don’t walk around with anger in me.  I will remain civil.  I just don’t care anymore.

IMG-20130306-WA000

The bad thing about this wonderful brain of mine is that it also blocks out the good parts of bad memories…  As I no longer have a daughter to cure I Googled my own “symptoms” and found the following information  http://io9.com/5952297/two-ways-to-forget-bad-memories-according-to-a-new-scientific-study “One mechanism, direct suppression, disengages episodic retrieval through the systemic inhibition of hippocampal processing that originates from right dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (PFC). The opposite mechanism, thought substitution, instead engages retrieval processes to occupy the limited focus of awareness with a substitute memory. It is mediated by interactions between left caudal and midventrolateral PFC that support the selective retrieval of substitutes in the context of prepotent, unwanted memories.”

Specifically, individuals could remember what caused the event, but were able to forget what happened and how it made them feel.  Co-author Professor MacLeod said: ‘The capacity to engage in this kind of intentional forgetting may be critical to our ability to maintain coherent images about who we are and what we are like.’

The research, which was funded by the British Academy, is published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory and CognitionHttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2162606/People-trained-forget-bad-memories-potential-breakthrough-emotional-disorders.html#ixzz2USqbrFM2

In one of my posts, https://tersiaburger.com/2013/05/25/most-influential-blogger-award/, I wrote that I would like to meet Nelson Mandela.  A blogger friend commented on it and it triggered something in my mind.  I HAVE met Nelson Mandela.  I should have articulated it differently – I should have said I would like to talk to him.

It was a horrible time of our lives when Vic started going to the Pain Clinic.  Her pain was out of control – or so I thought.  It was actually just “preparation school” for what was yet to come….  I was mortified that she was on 600 mg of morphine, a week…. When Hospice accepted Vic onto the program, she was already on 600mg of morphine, twice per day.

I digress.

Vic needed to consult with an anaesthetist, specialising in pain control, on a monthly basis to examined, her pain evaluated and to get a new prescription for the morphine.  It was one of those dreadful experimental phases of her life.  But, bad things lead to great things…

The Pain Clinic was in an élite part of our city.  It was a schlep to get to it and took hours out of a day.

This particular day Vic was in terrible pain, and it was difficult moving her from the car into the wheelchair.  Her beautiful eyes were dark from pain and filled with tears. I remember thinking “How tiny and sad she looks”…

We stood at the elevator for what felt like a lifetime.  All I wanted to do was get Vic into the consulting rooms so she could get an injection for pain… I was getting quite impatient with the delay of the lift when it started moving down.  I noticed quite a build-up of people on the outer periphery but did not pay too much attention to it.

The door opened.  Two tall men, wearing sunglasses, walked out.  There was an audible gasp in the hall.  The greatest statesman in the world, Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, stood behind them.  He was so tall!

In total awe I moved Vic’s wheelchair back clearing the way for this amazing man.

He walked out of the lift and came towards us.  He stood in front of Vic, stuck out his hand, and said “Hello my dear.  How are you?”

“I am fine thank you Mr President,” Vic said

“I hope you feel better soon,” he said in his beautiful, raspy yet gentle voice.

He greeted me, still holding her hand.  I will never forget his gentle eyes.  He had an aura of greatness.  Two great warriors were locked in a moment of kinship.

“Goodbye” he said and walked away.

Death is however closing in on this amazing man.  This year, by the Grace of God, our country and the rest of the world will celebrate this great man’s 95th birthday.  Given his poor health and advanced age, it is to be expected that he will die not too far in the future.  It will be a sad day for South Africa and the rest of the world.

I know that he will meet Vic again in Heaven.  I believe that the two brave souls will recognise one another.  This time there will be enough time for them to linger and chat.  The people they are- it will be about their loved ones, the grace they experienced in their lives… I know they will not discuss the hardship, pain or suffering.

Two incredible people… Nelson Rohihlahla Mandela and Vicky Bruce.  Hero’s of many… two people who have made a difference, lead by example.

Photo Credit:  http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2013/02/01/mpr_news_presents

"Oh Mr President, my mom is your biggest fan ever..."
“Oh Mr President, my mom is your biggest fan ever…”

Most Influential Blogger Award


   

Most Influential Blogger Award
Most Influential Blogger Award

 Thank you so much to http://theseeker57.wordpress.com and my dear friend Shaun @ prayingforoneday for this wonderful award.  It is an honour to be nominated by fellow bloggers that I follow and greatly admire.

I would like to dedicate this award to my beautiful child whose bravery and suffering have influenced hundreds of people all over the world.  Vic was the person who influenced me most in my life.  This award is for you Angel Child.

THE RULES:

1-Display the award logo on your blog.

2-Link back to the person who nominated you.

3-Answer 7 questions.

4-Nominate ( no limit of nominations ) other bloggers for this award and link back to them.

5-Notify those bloggers of the award requirements.

The 7 Questions (Can you all please answer the same questions) Thanks 

THE 7 QUESTIONS:

1-If you could create your planet what would it look like? – no hunger, hardship or war.

2-If you could visit one nation you have never visited before, what nation would that be? – Russia – It is on my bucket-list.

3-Have you ever taken a long distance train trip? – No,

4-What is something you would collectively change about humanity? – Dishonesty, incompetence and Greed,

5-What is your favorite song?

NEVER ALONE – LADY ANNABELLA AND JIM BRICKMAN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

Never alone

6-If you could meet one person who is still alive who would you choose to meet? – Nelson Mandela

7-If you could choose one symbol to represent you, what would that symbol be and why? –  Symbol of Peace

I now nominate some bloggers, the limit can be 1 or 100, your choice.

  1. http://thedrsays.org/
  2. http://myjourneysinsight.com/
  3. http://allinthedayofme.com/
  4. http://buckwheatsrisk.com/
  5. http://kellieelmore.com/
  6. http://onethousandsingledays.com
  7. http://livingwithfibroblog.com/
  8. http://cristianmihai.net/
  9. http://walking-on-eggshells.com/
  10. http://doilooksick.wordpress.com
  11. http://cobbies69.wordpress.com/
  12. http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com/
  13. http://hastywords.wordpress.com/
  14. http://smilescavenger.wordpress.com/
  15. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com/

 

Well done all 15…  Please accept and give to 15 others blogs

Love and well wishes

Tersia

 

 

Caregiver Isolation


Alberton-20120625-00559It happened without warning…

In 2002 I was on top of the world.  My career was at an all-time high, financially we were secure and I LOVED my job.  I was able to work long hours and spend time with my friends.  I was on 9 Church Committee’s and very involved with community work in the poor areas.

Then it happened…Vic had her blotched back surgery and our lives changed forever.  I spent 22 days in the waiting room outside the Intensive Care Unit.  My life ground to a halt.

We moved into a downward spiral of hospitals, doctor visits, x-rays, scans, 81 abdominal surgeries, pain, open wounds, hospital bugs, sepsis and wound dressings.  I felt over-whelmed and out of control.  Doctors and nurses prodding and touching my child.  To them she was a commodity.  But, to me, she was my life.

Slowly but surely my life changed…  I became fixated with finding a “solution” to my child’s devastating health problems.  After all, I am a Baby Boomer.  We don’t accept bad situations.  We find solutions.  We sort out problems.  I refused to accept the doctors’ prognosis as I did when she was a little girl.  I was told that Vic would not live to the age of 12 when she was diagnosed as a toddler…  I refused to accept it.  Vic not only outlived the prognosis but lived to complete school, get married and give birth to two beautiful boys.  The ventilators were turned off and Vic continued to breathe, live….

We went from one doctor to the next.  I spend hours every day of my life on the internet looking for solutions and advice; it became a coping mechanism.  I worked longer hours in-between surgeries.  Quite frankly, work became a crutch.  I spent less and less time with my family and friends…I suppose because I felt no-one understood my fear, my despair, my pain…

My fear, despair and pain became my constant companion.  My computer and the internet my trusted friend…

One day, about 7 years ago, Jared asked me “Oumie don’t you love your family?”

“Of course I love my family!  Why are you asking such a question?” I replied

“Because you are never home….”

I had to sit down and reassess my life.  Quite honestly the financial implications of keeping Vic alive and care for her was daunting.  I feared going home because I could not handle Vic’s pain….  I knew in my heart there was no cure.  The mere thought of Vic suffering for endless years were terrifying!  I could not bear to see the fear and helpless desperation in the boys’ eyes.

So contrary to what I have written before, and comments that have been left, I have not been the best mother.   There was a time that I ran away.  I was petrified of the thought that Vic would suffer for another 40 years…be dependent upon me for another 40 years… There were times that I thought to myself “There has to be more to life!”  I felt lost in the in-balance of my life.  No matter where I turned it was work and responsibility!

In 2009 my Dad came to live with us.  He suffered from Alzheimer’s.

Dad and I
Dad and I

Whilst I reached a maturity level where I realized that being a caregiver is a privilege, not a burden, our lives changed.

I started sleeping downstairs many years ago when Vic was so ill.  I was scared I would not hear her if I slept upstairs.  I slowly slipped into a habit of working late on my laptop and then falling asleep on the sofa.  This continued when my Dad lived with us.  I still sleep downstairs on the sofa – waiting for Vic shuffling footsteps down the passage, text messages saying “Can I have something for pain?” or the intercom screeching!  The intercom was the 911 call.

I slowly and inextricably slipped into depression.  My entire life was dominated by my fears for my child.  The caregiving demands steadily increased as the years passed and the situation deteriorated.  It became a dark and difficult period for the entire family.  We could no longer spontaneously decide to go to dinner, go away for a weekend or even a holiday.  Every activity demanded a great deal of planning.  We became more and more isolated as a family.

It is natural for family and friends to drift away when a loved one becomes ill. The longer the illness, the longer they stay away. By it’s very nature, caring giving is draining. It is far easier to stay home and rest than socialize outside the home.  Isolation can lead to loneliness, depression, and illness. It takes energy and effort to maintain friendships when one feels tired and discouraged.

My salvation was cyberspace.  I joined an Alzheimer support group, https://www.caring.com.  Without the support group I would never had coped with my dad’s descend into Alzheimer’s.  A year ago I started blogging on Vic’s final journey.  I have found a cyber-community with parents who also lost children, friends with a word of encouragement, a kind words.   I receive advice, support and information from a loving cyber-community.

I however realize that I need re-join life.  There are days that I just want to stay on my sofa with a blanket pulled over my head.  I fear that if I sleep in a bed I will never get out of it.  In the TV lounge there is always people.  Whether it be the boys, Danie or the housemaids.

Today I had tea with an old friend.  For almost 4 years I have not been able to see her.  She has a young son that I have never seen.  Our friendship was reduced to the odd phone call or text message.  Often she would phone and there would be a crisis with Vic.  I would say “I will phone you back” and never get around to it.  I isolated myself from friends.  I was so miserable and totally absorbed with Vic that no “outsider” could penetrate my “barrier”.

My life centred round my sick child and family.

Despite the trauma of Vic’s death and coming to terms with the horrible loss, my life has changed.  I have had tea with my new Magnolia friends and Christelle.  We go out to dinner on the spur of the moment; we have been on holiday and I spent 4 days at a Spa with my sister!  I have watched Jon-Daniel play hockey matches, started gym and started remodelling the house.  I have seen a psychiatrist and take antidepressants.  We have started Stepping Stone Hospice.

How amazing is this?

If the truth be known it is not amazing at all.  I am dying on the inside.  I cry uncontrollably – mostly when everyone has gone to bed.  If the boys were not living with us it would have been so different.  I KNOW I would still have been in bed.   I am consumed with longing for my child.  Last night I replayed 100’s of voicemail messages that Vic had left me….

“Love you Mommy…”

“Love you Baby Girl”

“Never Alone”


Kempton Park-20120905-00875

We played “Never Alone” as we carried Vic out of the church to the hearse…”Never Alone” because our love will always enfold you.  We love you so much!!IMG_8396 062

Lady Antebellum – Never Alone Lyrics

“Never Alone”     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

May the angels protect you 

Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You’re never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble,
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You’re never alone

Chorus: Never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

well
I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I’m not gonna promise that the cold winds won’t blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

IMG_8291

24.12.2012
24.12.2012

Jon-Daniel writes…I wish


945694_396723913781498_1236171768_n

 

Jon-Daniel is going through a rough time.  He posted this on his Blackberry Status.

I wish there were visiting hours in Heaven.  Miss you my little angel.  We all do!

Have you signed and share this petition?