Where do I start? How do I begin a farewell when I still can’t believe you’re gone? How do I say goodbye to a part of my soul?
The day you were born I experienced this UNBELIEVABLE rush of love. I was smitten from the first second I lay eyes on you.
You came into my life and changed me forever. Over the years people have complimented me for being a good mother but I truly cannot take credit for that. You were born good, and great and amazing. You were the one who taught me lessons in life. I believe you are an angel God sent to teach me.
You taught me love. You taught me honesty. You taught me to love unconditionally. You taught me how to forgive and how to be strong. You are the strongest person I have ever known. You gave me strength when I was weak. When times were sad and tough you reminded me to be grateful for the small things in life. You taught me how to be myself. Most of all you taught me about life and how to live.
When you were diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at the age of 18 months and the doctors told me I should wrap you in cotton wool and wait for you to die you taught me it was more important to feel and grow like any other child than to have me hide you under my wing. It was so important to you to live. And that you did. You gave birth to not one beautiful baby but two! You mothered the boys the way you lived life – with a passion.
You are the bravest person in the world. You rewrote medical history. You defied death for so many years… You mocked bad news and a poor prognosis…
You made me so proud. You have always been my greatest pride and joy. At school you excelled as a pianist. As a mommy you were an example to all. As a dying person you were brave beyond words.
I’m not sure how I can live this life without you. You worried about me just as much as I worried about you. You told everyone how worried you were that I would not cope without you. You fought so hard to stay alive. You fought until you gave your very last breath. You did not want to leave your boys. You lived for your boys.
You often said you were scared people would forget you…
No-one will ever forget you. You made an incredible impact on the world. You left two monuments of your love and mothering skills. Your sons will honour you every day of their lives with their actions.
Your dream of a Hospice for Alberton has been realised in Stepping Stone. Thousands of people will benefit from your dream and compassion in years to come. It is ironic that you were Stepping Stone’s first death…
Two weeks before your passing you started seeing angels. You saw Gramps, Uncle Dries, your father and Auntie Marlene. Then a week before your passing you said “My whole room is full of angels” You fought to stay alive every single day of your life. Eleven months ago you called a family meeting and told us that you had decided enough is enough. No more surgeries. No more hospitals.
Over the past 11 months you made your final wishes known. You planned your memorial service. You spoke to the boys about what was important. I personally got a long list of do’s and don’t’s.
Just before Christmas you said you were worried about me. That you could see I thought you would bounce back again…You said you were dying…You could feel the changes in your body. But like 95% of the people in this church today I honestly though you would bounce back and defy death once again!
The day you were born you filled my entire life. You were always my first and last thought. I feel numb and as if I am in a bubble. You will be happy to know that we have been surrounded by love and support. But it still feels as if the world should have stopped because you left it.
Vic, I miss you so much already and I don’t know if I can take this pain anymore. But then I think, how can I be sad when I know you’re in a better place? How can I be sad when you brought me so much happiness? How can I be sad when God is already working miracles through you? How can I be sad when I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have been chosen to be your mother? How can I be sad when God gave you to me for 14,019 days, 20 hours and 15 minutes? I thank God every day for the time we shared together.
Baby I promise you today we will be the support system for the boys you wanted. We love them so much. No-one in the world can ever take your place. We promise we will keep your memories alive. We will honour our promises to you.
So now we must bid you farewell. It is your time to run, free from pain and suffering. We will always love you. We will never forget you.
Rest in Peace my Angel Child.
by Kim Knapp
The mention of my child’s name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
~~~~author unknown
http://www.thefuneralsite.com/ResourceCenters/Poetry_and_Quotes/Children.html
Vicky Bruce, brave warrior, beloved mother of Jared and Jon-Daniel Sadie, beautiful daughter of Tersia and Danie Burger, sister and friend lost her brave battle against Osteogenesis Imperfecta on 18 January 2013. Finally, you can run angel child! Your incredible will to live and your beautiful soul will live on in your amazing sons. They are truly monuments that will honour you forever. You are finally free and reunited with you Daddy, Moekie and Gramps.! Run Vic run! Love you now and forever baby!
Tonight I can truly sing this beautiful song to Vic…
SET YOU FREE
You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn
I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone
we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
There is no fear and your leaving is clear
we’ll still have our love it remains with each tear
I cry as you leave but I truly believe; as you leave my sight we’ll both be all right
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though you have flown to somewhere unknown
we’re never apart ‘cause you’re here in my heart
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free http://myjourneysinsight.com/
My baby girl is in the final stages of dying. She has developed a bedsore on her heel and her hip appears to be cellulitising… Vic is jaundiced and her heart rate is up to 160 bpm.
I have been lying next to her for the better part of the day listening to her slightly laboured breathing. Vic was catheterised today and the appearance is the urine fills me with dread. It is brown red in colour.
It is amazing that all Vic’s wrinkles have miraculously disappeared. Her skin is unlined. In death she is heartbreakingly beautiful. Her face is serene.
For all intents and purposes Vic’s suffering is over. This part of her journey is peaceful and serene. I am burning candles. The house is quiet but for Vic’s gentle yet shallow breathing.
I decided today that it would be in the boys’ best interest to spend a day or two with a friend. Jared is with Ricardo, BFF, and Jon-Daniel is with Henk, cousin. I cannot bear the thought of them witnessing Vic death and then Vic being removed from the house. They were so relieved when I gave them the option.
There is a steady flow of visitors in and out. Mainly family. My sister from Pretoria and my brother from East-London have arrived.
I am numb from tiredness.
Esther brought Lasagne for dinner.
It is going to be a long night. I honestly believe Vic will not see the end of this week.
I am reposting this magnificent post of Peter Wiebe. Thank you Peter. I almost feel excited that Vic soon will meet her Saviour in a painfree body!
Peter Wiebe Aylmer, ON
I dedicate this blog to Jesse’s memory and hope that its contents will draw others nearer to God.
If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.
C. S. Lewis
***
With The Guardian’s arms wrapped snugly around his chest, the wind rushing past his ears and whipping through his hair, Jesse extended his arms and whooped for joy just like Woody in “Toy Story” when he flew with Buzz.
The sea, a luminous, turquoise blue rushed by far below. The Guardian angled towards the water till they were just skimming above its surface. Unable to resist, Jesse dipped his right hand into the water, fingers extended. His hand sliced into the water creating a plume of ocean spray behind the duo as they sped across the sea. The cool water sent a delightful tingling sensation up his arm. Jesse laughed and thought perhaps he heard the Guardian chuckle, but he couldn’t say for certain. They lifted higher again, and he could no longer reach the water.
Ahead, the breakers rolled onto a glistening white shore. Further back, yet towering over the beach, a vertical rock face rose to unknown heights.
As they flew over the pristine white sands, the rock wall loomed ahead. Dramatically, the Guardian altered course and shot straight up, parallel to the cliff face. Jesse’s stomach jumped at the sudden change in direction. They accelerated as they rose ever higher. Soon, the beach below vanished from sight and still they ascended. Just as it seemed there would be no end to the rock wall, they slowed and crested the top.
As far as the eye could see, a shining white wall stretched along the edge of the precipice in either direction. There was a walkway on top of the wall and watchtowers evenly spaced along its length. A figure, looking over the parapet, waved as they flew over and past the wall.
“An angel?” Jesse asked.
“Yes,” replied the Guardian. “Welcome to Heaven’s Country.”
Their journey took them over majestic snow-capped mountains, lush green valleys, and beautiful meadows until at last they sighted the City of God situated in the midst of a vast golden plain.
The city was built on and around a mountain whose summit thrust up into the sky to dizzying heights. The most dazzling colours of light appeared to emanate from the city. From their vantage point, high in the air, it resembled a shining jewel set in a sea of gold. And yet, as high as they were, the mountain rose still higher. Jesse doubted whether or not they could have flown over it.
The city grew ever larger as they drew nearer until it dominated the entire landscape. The Guardian angled downward and slowed their flight. They were landing. As they approached the ground, a gentle breeze played over the golden grass causing a rippling effect that was stunning. It reminded Jesse of a wheat field.
As they swooped in closer, a path presented itself, cutting through the wheat-grass and leading toward a large gate set in the massive wall of the city. The wall itself extended to either side until it disappeared on the horizon. It pulsed with mesmerizing colours as if the light from within the city could not quite be contained by its walls. The gate was open and a large angel stood guard beside it.
The Guardian released him as Jesse’s feet touched the ground. “We’re here, Child.”
Jesse looked at him with apprehension. “Will you come with me?”
The Guardian smiled. “I will see you again soon. Someone else is waiting for you here. You must go to the gate now.”
The boy turned. Tentatively, he started walking toward the gate.
***
The Guardian watched as intense light poured out of the opening onto the walkway. Its brilliance increased a hundredfold as a figure, silhouetted by the light, stepped through the gate.
The boy hesitated, but the silhouetted figure did not. He ran to the boy, picked him up in his arms, and twirled him around before gently setting him down again. Then, the Lord, of both Heaven and Earth, stooped down in front of the child, reaching out his nail scarred hands. The child took hold of the Lord’s hands and threw himself into the arms of his Saviour.
The Guardian could not hear the words that were spoken between the two. They were sacred between the child and the Lord. Soon, the two of them walked hand in hand back through the gate. The celebration would soon follow.
Peter Wiebe 2012
It has been a long day. Vic is in a drug induced sleep. She looks so peaceful. Vic is not anaesthetized – she wakes when she is thirsty or in pain. She has only urinated once in 24 hours. Her end is near.
Vic is looking angelically beautiful. Her skin is blemish free and almost transparent. Her hair seems to have taken on a life of it’s own. Her little hands look skeleton like. Her body is wasting away and yet she remains as beautiful as ever!
I will not sleep tonight. Many years ago I promised Vic that she would not die alone or in a hospital. The time is near and I must honour this promise.
Earlier tonight she woke up and I wasn’t in her room. She had a panic attack… Danie found her trying to walk down the passage. She was holding onto the wall and tears were running down her cheeks. “Mommy, I am scared…”
Something has started bleeding again. Vic vomited and there are signs of old and new blood again. “Look Mommy, my mouth is bleeding…” she said.
Vic is deadly pale and her body has involuntary “jerking” movements. She is decidedly unstable.
“Mommy, you have to get me to the awards evening. I don’t care how. Promise me Mommy!!!” She sobbed tonight. Tomorrow I will speak to the school and make the arrangements. It is not a wheelchair friendly school and Vic could never sit through a two hour ceremony. We will find a way.
We had a strangely “normal” day today. Jared brought his gaming computer down from the study into my TV lounge. It is something I don’t encourage because there are wires and cords all over and I HATE the untidiness of it. Today I welcomed it. We needed to be close to one another. I swam twice and we ate spaghetti bolognaise.
The boys have fear in their eyes. I have fear in my heart.
I am cautiously optimistic that we have managed to stop the bleeding ulcer and that the new medicine regime has the vomiting under control. Vic is still running a fever, her BP is dropping and her heart rate has stabilized in the 110’s. She appears to be more stable than she has been in a couple of weeks.
This morning, after I washed her and changed her pyjamas she said “Mommy, I would like to go to the supermarket today…”
“Cool, what do you want to buy?” I asked
“Tippex (correction liquid) for the boys and Stilpain and Syndol (Tablets)” she said.
“Okay….” I said
“But I think you will have to drive Mommy… I don’t think I should be driving!” Vic said
This incredible young woman just does not know how to die! Vic had a good breakfast this morning. Vic has not eaten since Christmas!
The boys are fleeing home. Jon-Daniel has spent the past day and a half at Esther and Leon’s. Jared went to his Dad’s. I wish I too could flee. For the first time in my life I have come to understand why families place their dying loved ones in hospital of in a Hospice In-Patient unit. The waiting is gruelling and heart wrenching. The rollercoaster of dying is horrific!
I previously researched the “length of dying”.
The Journey Begins: One to Three Months Prior to Death
As one begins to accept their mortality and realizes that death is approaching, they may begin to withdraw from their surroundings. They are beginning the process of separating from the world and those in it. They may decline visits from friends, neighbors, and even family members. When they do accept visitors, they may be difficult to interact with and care for. They are beginning to contemplate their life and revisit old memories. They may be evaluating how they lived their life and sorting through any regrets. They may also undertake the five tasks of dying.
#1: Ask For Forgiveness
#2: Offer ForgivenessTask
#3: Offer Heartfelt ThanksTask
#4: Offer Sentiments of Love
#5: Say Goodbye
The dying person may experience reduced appetite and weight loss as the body begins to slow down. The body doesn’t need the energy from food that it once did. The dying person may be sleeping more now and not engaging in activities they once enjoyed. They no longer need the nourishment from food they once did. The body does a wonderful thing during this time as altered body chemistry produces a mild sense of euphoria. They are neither hungry nor thirsty and are not suffering in any way by not eating. It is an expected part of the journey they have begun.
One to Two Weeks Prior to Death
Mental Changes
This is the time during the journey that one begins to sleep most of the time. Disorientation is common and altered senses of perception can be expected. One may experience delusions, such as fearing hidden enemies or feeling invincible.
The dying person may also experience hallucinations, sometimes seeing or speaking to people that aren’t there. Often times these are people that have already died. Some may see this as the veil being lifted between this life and the next. The person may pick at their sheets and clothing in a state of agitation. Movements and actions may seem aimless and make no sense to others. They are moving further away from life on this earth.
Physical Changes
The body is having a more difficult time maintaining itself. There are signs that the body may show during this time:
- The body temperature lowers by a degree or more.
- The blood pressure lowers.
- The pulse becomes irregular and may slow down or speed up.
- There is increased perspiration.
- Skin color changes as circulation becomes diminished. This is often more noticeable in the lips and nail beds as they become pale and bluish.
- Breathing changes occur, often becoming more rapid and labored. Congestion may also occur causing a rattling sound and cough.
- Speaking decreases and eventually stops altogether.
Journey’s End: A Couple of Days to Hours Prior to Death
The person is moving closer towards death. There may be a surge of energy as they get nearer. They may want to get out of bed and talk to loved ones, or ask for food after days of no appetite. This surge of energy may be quite a bit less noticeable but is usually used as a dying person’s final physical expression before moving on.
The surge of energy is usually short, and the previous signs become more pronounced as death approaches. Breathing becomes more irregular and often slower. “Cheyne-Stokes”breathing, rapid breathes followed by periods of no breathing at all, may occur. Congestion in the airway can increase causing loud, rattled breathing.
Hands and feet may become blotchy and purplish (mottled). This mottling may slowly work its way up the arms and legs. Lips and nail beds are bluish or purple. The person usually becomes unresponsive and may have their eyes open or semi-open but not seeing their surroundings. It is widely believed that hearing is the last sense to go so it is recommended that loved ones sit with and talk to the dying during this time.
Eventually, breathing will cease altogether and the heart stops. Death has occurred. http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/process.htm
Vic has experienced severe delirium or rather terminal restlessness, which is apparently a fairly common symptom in many dying patients.
Some characteristics of delirium include:
Terminal Restlessness
Terminal restlessness is a particularly distressing form of delirium that may occur in dying patients. It is characterized by anguish (spiritual, emotional, or physical),
restlessness, anxiety, agitation, and cognitive failure.
Terminal restlessness is so distressing because it has a direct negative impact on the dying process. We all want death to be a comfortable and peaceful experience, but if a patient is dying with terminal restlessness, her death can be anything but comfortable and peaceful. http://dying.about.com/od/symptommanagement/a/delirium.htm
Vic is on massive dosages of medication. She is peaceful now.
On Monday, the 14th, Jon-Daniel will receive his school colours for academic achievements. Vicky is determined to attend the ceremony. We will find a way of getting her to the school to witness this achievement. I believe it is the last goal she has.
So despite me saying that Vic does not know how to die she is actually having a textbook death…
Tuesday brought an avalanche of visitors. It was a very, very emotional day. Vic was confused and seeing visions of angels and dead loved ones.
Vic’s friend Angela has been absolutely amazing. She has sat through many hours of Vic’s tears and fears. She has consoled and supported – at great personal expense. I have used Angela as a sounding board and dragged her into discussions with Siza. I discussed sedation and treatment options with her. She has hugged and messaged. She has been a pillar of strength.
Leigh, Jared BFF’s Mom, walked in on Tuesday with armloads of flowers. Vic’s room looked and smelled like a garden! It looked absolutely beautiful and Vic was thrilled.
Vic has refused to let go. She is holding onto life with every fibre of her being. She does not want visitors to leave and will try to get out of bed when they are here.
She cries and keeps asking “How do I say my final goodbyes?”
Esther visits every day. She picks up the boys after school. She is Vic’s guide. “Go towards the light. The light is good!” she keeps telling Vic. Esther is a ray of sunshine and like the Rock of Gibraltar. She is Vic’s sister in love.
It is heart wrenching!
Vic clings to her dad and the boys. She puts out her arms and says “Daddy don’t leave me…” When she sees her boys she cries “Please give me a hug…” and then “I love you more than life and then some more…”
I hate my life. I wish I were dead.
It is Thursday. I feel old and drained. I would give all my earthly treasures to change places with my child.
Why is an innocent, beautiful young woman lying in her bed struggling to die?
Everybody has an explanation. My favourite is that she has fought so hard to live, all her life, that she does not know how to not stop fighting…
Last night I had a discussion with someone who Vic loves very dearly. This friend of Vic has spent endless hours, days, weeks and months in hospital with Vic. She is actually the only person that has truly travelled this horrific journey with us. Vic has lived through many death sentences and reprieves. Lee has been around for at least the past 7 years of Vic’s journey. Vic has nursed Vic back to health many times and I know she cares deeply for Vic, her friend.
I discussed the various treatment options with her. Do I insist on having a stent fitted or do I request feeding tubes? Or do I go with Vic’s non-intervention wish? But if I comply how do I bring calmness and peace in Vic’s life? Vic is no exception to the rule…As Bella pointed out last night even Jesus of NAZARETH feared death….Fearing death is as natural as breathing is to us.
Last night I decided no sedation. If I allow sedation, which is against her wishes, I will silence Vic’s voice, her fears and her tears.
Dr Sue says the bleeding is from the abdomen. Her Oesophagus, throat and mouth are covered in a mass of sores from all the vomiting. Her breathing is shallow and her heart rate weak but very rapid. Her blood pressure is dropping and her circulation is poor. The liver is very enlarged.
We are past the point of no return. Vicky is dying and only a miracle can save her. There is no operation, no magic medication, and no nothing that can save her.
Today I again witnessed her anguish and phenomenal will to live. I saw Vic, in my mind’s eye, Vic being escorted, in deadly silence down a long dark passage. Her family and friends were escorting her on her final walk into the chamber of death. I clearly saw the fear in her eyes and I could feel her little body trembling with fear. I heard a voice saying “Dead woman walking…”
I saw her walk into an execution room, being strapped down and the needle being inserted into her little arm. I was the head warden and my eyes were flitting between the clock and a telephone…Would there be another reprieve??
It is so cruel. For all of us. Why do people linger? Why don’t we all just go to sleep and never wake up? Or die in a car accident? Why this suffering??? I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life sucks!
Vic is on a mild sedation. She is more calm and peaceful than she has been for a couple of weeks. She woke up this evening and had dinner…half a hamburger!! My little take-away queen!! She only vomited at 11.30 pm so she managed to actually keep down the food. She has passed no urine today.
She sobbed when I told her the boys had covered their school books…”I want to do it for them!” She wailed
“I have let down my boys. I always cover their books…”
“Oh Jared, look! Oupa Tienie is standing behind you…” It really spooked the boys. Tienie died on the 5th of November 1999…
I wish Vic was married. I wish her biological father was still alive! I wish the decision was not mine!!!
Tomorrow I will ask that the sedation be increased. I will silence my child’s sweet voice. I will also silence her tears and fears.
“Dead woman walking…”
Monday 7.1.2013 was a crazy day. Vic was not in a good space.
Angela, Vic’s BFF came to visit. She is not only beautiful but also a calm and serene person. She radiates goodness. Angela being here gives me some time because I really trust her. I am able to get some essential chores done knowing that she is keeping an eye on Vic.
“Gramps was here” Vic said.
“How is he?” I asked
“I don’t know. He just came to tell me how much he loves us all…” Vic replied
My Dad forgot how to breathe on the 15th of May 2011. He died in our home (in the very same room as Vic) surrounded by his beloved family. At times he was a stranger in the world. Some days he woke up in a room he could not remember from one nap to the next, lived with “strangers” and thought I was my Mom. Despite the advanced Alzheimer’s, he never forgot who Vic was and that she was ill. At times he forgot whether she was in hospital or out but he never forgot her or that she was ill.
“He has come to take you by your hand Sweetie…” I said
“I KNOW Mommy” she said impatiently.
Lee, Jared’s BFF mom popped around with a huge basket of exquisite flowers. Of course, Vic immediately got a bee in her bonnet and had to get out of bed. Always the social animal!
Esther arrived and Vic burst into tears when she saw her sister.
“I am so scared Sis” Vic cried in her sisters arms.
Esther has become Vic’s “coach”. She has the love for Vic to ask her what is holding her back; she tells Vic to run towards the light; to let go – the boys are safe are cared for. She holds Vic and dries her tears….
Danie took the boys for a haircut and new school uniforms.
In the afternoon Joanna, one the Jon-Daniel’s primary school friends’ Mom, popped in for a visit. It was touching when she spoke with Vic and apologized for coming to visit too late. Vic was sleeping and not aware of the visit. Joanna left with tears streaming down her cheeks. She left a little gift for Vic
“I wrote your name in the sand But the waves blew it away Then I wrote it in the sky But the wind blew it away So I wrote it in my heart And that’s where it will stay.”Siza arrived and told me that Sue would be in tomorrow morning to assess Vic. She said Vic’s colour is very poor and the circulation in her legs bad. Siza is of the opinion that the most humane thing to do for Vic would be to sedate her… Her body is building up so much adrenalin fighting death that it is preventing her from dying – despite the organ failure.
I am torn. My poor child’s anguish and pain sears through every nerve ending in my body. Not only mine but also the rest of the family’s…..I want the emotional side of her journey to end. But when I think that I will never hear her voice again, that I will never hear her cry and plead again… I want to die. Sedation can end her emotional anguish, but deprive us of last words.
When I walked into Vic’s room after Sr Siza left Vic said “I just saw Dries. He came to visit. I have thought of him the whole day….”
Dries is a dear family friend who died last year…
In the evening Judy (Dries’ widow) popped around for a visit. When I told her that Vic had seen Dries she burst into tears. She said, her sister Lida, a deeply religious woman, told her earlier in the day that she had dreamt of Dries and that Dries was going to come and “fetch” Vic…
I pointed out to Judy that Dries, who was a tour guide by profession, would take Vic on the scenic route…
We laughed.
Later in the evening Bella, one of the ministers in my Church, and James, the senior elder, came to visit. Bella, a dear friend over the years, spoke to the boys with so much compassion. He grew up in a home with a mother who was ill. He said that the congregation has never stopped praying for us as a family. He said the congregation carries us in their hearts. (One day I will still blog about Bella and his amazing ability to “pray Vic out of the claws of death”…)
We all stood holding hands around Vic’s bed whilst Bella said a beautiful prayer for Vic and the family. Someone stifled a little sob. There was absolute peace and a Godly presence in Vic’s room.
Related posts:
Rest in peace dear friend https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/07/rest-in-peace-dear-friend-7-8-2012/
For some dying is hard work https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/
Vic is very restless and agitated. Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier. It would be a wonderful solution. Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever. She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family. Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”
“Oh…” she said. “Why not? I think I will…”
We laughed.
In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.
Last night was very difficult. The Pethidine makes her hyper. She fights sleep at night! Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.
Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight. “Don’t leave me Daddy! Please don’t leave me!!! I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!
“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try and get out of bed, so she can stay awake!
In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed. She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”
I know she is confused at times. I will not allow these words to haunt me later. She “sees” people. She babbles non-stop.
The weight is falling off her. Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like. Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish. My poor baby is starving to death! She has absolutely no appetite. I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.
Esther and Leon came to visit today. Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic. I know she said her goodbyes today. I could see that they had spoken to their boys. Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.
Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic. I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated. “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie. It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”
Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family? How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit? Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?
I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine. But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”. I will never go back on my word.
I am babbling.
Vic is very restless and agitated. Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier. It would be a wonderful solution. Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever. She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family. Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”
“Oh…” she said. “Why not? I think I will…”
We laughed.
In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.
Last night was very difficult. The Pethidine makes her hyper. She fights sleep at night! Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.
Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight. “Don’t leave me Daddy! Please don’t leave me!!! I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!
“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try to get out of bed so she can stay awake!
In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed. She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”
I know she is confused at times. I will not allow these words to haunt me later. She “sees” people. She babbles non-stop.
The weight is falling off her. Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like. Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish. My poor baby is starving to death! She has absolutely no appetite. I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.
Esther and Leon came to visit today. Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic. I know she said her goodbyes today. I could see that they had spoken to their boys. Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.
Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic. I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated. “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie. It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”
Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family? How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit? Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?
I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine. But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”. I will never go back on my word.
I am babbling.
” Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bear…and life gets so hard you just don’t care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry…every second you wish you could die.”
January 2013. Today was a special day.
Yesterday Vic asked me to contact her minister. Chris arrived at our home at 9.30am. We all sat in Vic’s room whilst Chris read Psalm 23 and prayed for Vic who was walking through the “valley of death.” She prayed for Vic to find peace and acceptance of her situation.
Chris then served Holy Communion. Vic, at first, did not want Jon-Daniel to partake in the Communion. Chris explained that a child having to be confirmed before they are allowed to partake in Communion is a man-made rule. I pointed out to Vic that it would be very special if Jon-Daniel could have his first Communion with her… Vic agreed.
It was so special.
I was filled with deep gratitude that we as a family have the opportunity of making memories every day. Today I am particularly grateful that Jon-Daniel will always carry the memory of his first Holy Communion with him. Even if his mom does not attend his confirmation he will remember that he took his first Holy Communion with her.
For the first time in a long time I was grateful for Vic lingering death. I am grateful that Jared had the opportunity to tell her that she is a legend and that she will always live on in so many people’s minds and hearts. That Stepping Stone Hospice is her legacy….
Dying isn’t a science. There is no methodical process of coming to terms with death. The reality of what is busy happening to Vic is frightening and overwhelming. Earlier this week, when I gave one of the boys permission to go out, Vic said “See Mommy, this is why I cannot die. I don’t know if you will be strict enough with the boys…”
Vic is desperately clinging to life. Vic is afraid of losing control of her bodily functions and becoming a burden to us. Vic is afraid of the act of dying.
The rest of us are scared because we want her suffering to end. We know we will experience terrible guilt afterwards… Even as I am typing I KNOW I will second guess everything I did for Vic and every decision I ever made regarding her medical care. This is just the way it is…
Angela and Tracey visited today. The visits are so exhausting for Vic and yet she did not want them to leave. Every time they say “I must go…” Vic will pout and say “just stay a little longer…”
The weight is just falling off Vic. She managed to keep in a mug of diet “Cup of Soup”. Small mercies!
Lelani picked up the new morphine script from Dr Sue. She made imprints of the boys’ hands for Vic… She massaged Vic’s little feet. Jon-Daniel and I swam and Jared went with his girlfriend and her parents to a day resort. Danie picked up the script from the pharmacy and washed his own motorbike. (First time in 15 years….he always has it done!)
A normal day in the life of a family walking through the valley of death…I don’t want to forget any part of it.
Vic's Final Journey 