July 2013 – Vic's Final Journey

I am alive

I am having a wonderful visit in England with my UK grandchildren and kids. The house is filled with the patter of little feet and shrieks of laughter and despair. Toys lie scattered on the floor and little arms and legs curl around their Oumie. It is a happy home, and I am fresh meat…

“Oumie, please can we jump on the trampoline?”

I have spent two days jumping on a trampoline…Thank God it rained today!!!

I have been consumed with the feeling of “life” in the household. Life, joy, movement…easy laughter and sibling rivalry. Everything that poor Vic never really experienced.

How desperately she wanted to live. How desperately she craved a normal life. How desperately she craved to LIVE! How desperately we wanted her to live.

We never have enough time. We always want more. Vic wanted more time. On the 24^th of September, last year, when the Hospice doctor came in for Vic’s evaluation, Vic said “I thought I had more time…” https://tersiaburger.com/2012/09/24/mommy-i-thought-i-had-more-time/

Six days before her death she cried and said she wanted to live. “If only I could live for another year…”

“How little we know of what there is to know. I wish that I were going to live a long time instead of going to die today because I have learned much about life in these four days; more, I think than in all other time. I’d like to be an old man to really know. I wonder if you keep on learning or if there is only a certain amount each man can understand. I thought I knew so many things that I know nothing of. I wish there was more time.” –Ernest Hemingway.

I am wordless.

I know that I am still numb.

I am sad.

I am happy.

I am alive.

I wish I wasn’t…

I don’t want to ever leave my loved ones – as my child did not want to…..

Life is so unfair!!!!

Community Responsibility….

This is a post that I have agonised about. Many of my blogger friends have lost children to heinous and senseless acts of violence. I am not condoning the actions of killers – this post is because I have questions about us, the community who allow these crimes to happen…

On the 18th of July, dear friends of ours, son killed his two precious daughters, wounded his ex-wife and then shot and killed himself. Our community has been united in our grief for the girls; our condemnation of the deeds of a father, son, brother and friend and in our sympathy for the girls mom. Now that is where the community unity stops…

Our dear friends, the parents of the killer and grandparents of the girls, are isolated in their grief. Their son killed their precious granddaughters – his precious daughters, wounded a woman who still calls them “Mommy” and “Dad” and then killed himself. They have simply become the parents of a killer.

The tabloids and gossipmongers are having a field day. People are writing vicious comments in the local media – “Hope he rots in hell”, “good father? He is a scumbag”…. His church refused to do his funeral.

There can be no question about how sad this all is and how terribly wrong Paul’s actions were. But if there is no lesson to be learnt out of this tragedy it will happen again and again and again….

Of course, now, everyone “knew” that Paul was narcissistic, selfish, unstable and a self-centred brat….People are saying they knew this was going to happen…that they knew he was stalking his ex-wife…I am sure there is truth in what they are saying. The first question that I want to ask of all the know-it-all’s is “WHAT DID YOU DO TO AVERT THIS TRAGEDY?” If people stood by and ignored warning signals they too have the girls and their father’s blood on their hands. Regardless of who they are.

If people KNEW all these things, knew he was capable of killing his girls – why did they sit back and do nothing? Why did no one speak to his parents or the police?

These people are well-known and loved residents in the community. Not strangers nor people we do not know. Paul and his family lived on the same property as his parents for years. He still lived in the house he shared with his family right next door to his parents at the time of his death… The church, family and friends knew where to find them.

This young man was deeply religious, a devoted father and a keen sportsman. A “clean-living” son of the community. A beloved brother and son. Friend to many. The deed he committed is heinous and cannot be understood or condoned. But, does he and he alone carry the blame?

The second question I need to ask is how can a church refuse to bury one of their own? Surely the entire foundation of the Christian faith rests on the principles of forgiveness and love? Jesus, on the cross forgave a murderer and thief and said

Luke 23:32-43, (NAS95) 32 Two others also, who were criminals, were being led away to be put to death with Him. 33 When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. 34 But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. 35 And the people stood by, looking on. And even the rulers were sneering at Him, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if this is the Christ of God, His Chosen One.” 36 The soldiers also mocked Him, coming up to Him, offering Him sour wine, 37 and saying, “If You are the King of the Jews, save Yourself!” 38 Now there was also an inscription above Him, “THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.” 39 One of the criminals who were hanged there was hurling abuse at Him, saying, “Are You not the Christ? Save Yourself and us!” 40 But the other answered, and rebuking him said, “Do you not even fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? 41 “And we indeed are suffering justly, for we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” 42 And he was saying, “Jesus, remember me when You come in Your kingdom!” 43 And He said to him, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise.”
The above narrative is one of the most touching in the entire Bible. While the Lord was experiencing the physical, emotional and perhaps even spiritual agony of the cross, he still expressed the divine nature of His love for man. He had the compassion to listen to the pleas of one who had great need. He made the effort to repress his own pain to and answer to the needs of a sinner. He promised that man, that that very day, He would be with Jesus in Paradise. What a wonderful assurance. Because of the assurance Jesus gave his companion in death, many today profess that like the thief crucified next to Jesus, we may have the assurance of Paradise by making a similar appeal to the Lord. http://www.bible.ca/ef/expository-luke-23-32-43.htm

I can only assume that, in the eyes of the church and community, the Jesus that Paul believed in, did not die for his (Paul’s) sins? This uncompromising and unforgiving attitude surely does not belong in the Christian faith? How dare we judge ANYONE?

Judge and condemn the sin – not the sinner.

Today I stood next to the grave of two beautiful and gifted young girls. Tomorrow I will attend the memorial service of my dear friends’ beloved son. As I wept for the girls and their mother’s heartbreak today, I shall weep for the girls’ father and his mother’s heartbreak tomorrow. My heart breaks for the entire family. My heart breaks for the parents who are facing the shame of their son’s actions and the hate they have started experiencing in the community and even the church. My heart breaks for the girls whose mother reached out in her pain today and embraced the parents of her daughters’ killer. I respect her for the fact that she recognised their pain and asked the uncle and grandfather to be pallbearers at the funeral. She showed her love and forgiveness. Her actions are the actions of a Christian…I hope the church will learn from her example.

I hope that I have not upset my blogger friends whose children suffered similar fates. I am not trying to justify the father’s actions – I am just saying if we turn a blind eye we too carry blame. If you see danger signs TAKE ACTION!! Speak to someone!

Below is part of an article that made some sense to me….. PLEASE REMEMBER – THIS ARTICLE WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME!

Why religion tends to encourage family-murder/suicides http://www.news24.com/MyNews24/Why-religion-tends-to-encourage-family-murdersuicides-20130721

21 July 2013, 18:30

If you look on Paul Nothnagel’s twitter and facebook pages you see additional background. For example Paul Nothnagel ‘liked’ a group called JiK (Jesus is King).

He also liked The Simpsons, Carte Blanche, rugby, cycling-parts maker Campagnolo and Asterix and Obelix. So what? He described himself as “loyal and dedicated”.

On 31 May – very close to the time his wife’s divorce became official, he tweeted: “Dear God, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand what you really want to happen but I trust you. I know you will give me what’s best.”

Same day: “Dear God, Today I woke up. I am healthy. I am alive. Thank you I apologize for all my complaining. I’m truly grateful for all you’ve done.” On 28 March he tweeted: “Today I will sow love, happiness, peace & prosperity. You reap what you sow!!” On 17 March: “Survived a hit and run incident tonite. Thank u Lord for keeping us safe. Luv u girls!!”

It’s evident from the pattern of bullets (12 fired at his two daughters, 2 fired at his ex-wife, both in her lower body) that Paul seemed particularly focused on ‘taking his daughters with him’. A police official speculated that he may not have had suicide in mind if he was dressing in black and removing the number plates, but what’s more likely is that he simply didn’t want to be seen before he could start shooting.

That he had gone to so much care to plan his own funeral, and get hold of a killing weapon, suggests that he wanted to kill himself. His twitter feed ends on 4 July (the murder/suicide took place 2 weeks later), but Nothnagel seemed to be fairly consistent on social media.

Finally, we get to the psychology. It is easy to throw up one’s hands and say: how could this happen? Why did this happen? The answer is quite easy to see.

Here was a man who was clearly close to his children and his wife, and was deeply hurt that he was losing touch with them. He probably saw himself as his family, and his description on twitter confirms that: “Dad of 3…” Loyal and dedicated.

He was also clearly trusting in God for a solution and depending on God to solve his dilemma: “… I trust you. I know you will give me what’s best …” Of course when you trust someone who doesn’t deliver you’re left with nothing, which seems to be what happened in this case.

Instead of trusting God perhaps he should have accepted the divorce, or gone for counselling, or taken some constructive (i.e. non-violent) action that amounted to responsibility for what was happening to himself and his family.

Paul’s qualities, many of them, are of course good qualities. First of all, why does anyone stay in a marriage for 20 years when it is off to a bad start from the get go?

The answer is one is trapped by certain moral and social and religious expectations of oneself, as well as those of one’s family but particularly of one’s community. Here religious codes taken on by family and the immediate community can have a debilitating effect. These can be chronically oppressive, they can literally strangle the life out of you. But here’s where the psychology breaks down.

Let’s say you’re a Christian and you’ve been depending on God for rescue, for answers, for deliverance and finally what you feared most…the divorce… becomes official. You get letters from lawyers saying that you have to keep your distance. That hits you like a bullet to the chest. You feel lost. Betrayed. Alone. It’s brutal.

Suddenly the crutch that religion is, reveals itself to no longer be a protection or an insurance against one’s worst fears. It can do nothing to dilute the sudden stabbing pain.

One finds oneself emotionally and perhaps otherwise bankrupt. Broken. Exposed. The crutch doesn’t seem to work and one has been depending on it for so long, one doesn’t quite know how to operate in the real world.

That’s when reality hits you very hard. One feels naked. All one’s problems become like a giant wave. One response to this breaking wave of reality is to panic. To snap. To say, I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live with myself or without X, Y or Z.

So to state the simple solution to this problem (which itself seems infinite and unbearably painful) specifically: the victim decides to simply end the pain. How? Kill yourself. But what about those you love? You’ll be going to heaven and it may be years before you see them in heaven. So the logic of the believer in the afterlife is, if you’re going to kill yourself, kill those you love, and save them the pain of separation.

Kill them to save them from pain. Kill them so that you can take them with you. I wonder whether a young person would consent to a parent taking their life. Jesus did, Isaac did – so perhaps sons and daughters if asked would say yes, kill me, I’m fine with it, wouldn’t they?

Of course this idea that death is a kind of ‘benign next door’ is exactly what makes the idea of a group murder seem like a good idea. Put a bullet in your head and wake up on a tropical island?

Put a bullet in someone else and they wake up next you. Cult suicides are an extension of this, where one’s religion leads one to believe that by killing your physical body you release your spiritual body. And immediately experience bliss.

Here’s a fairly recent example of what looks like a mass murder-suicide combination from Wikipedia: On March 17, 2000, 778 members of the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God died in Uganda.[21] The theory that all of the members died in a mass suicide was changed to mass murder when decomposing bodies were discovered in pits with signs of strangulation while others had stab wounds.[22] The group had diverged from the Roman Catholic Church in order to emphasize apocalypticism and alleged Marian apparitions

If all of this seems a stretch, perhaps the Nothnagel case is just one of those ‘flukes’, ‘exceptions’, ‘he wasn’t a real Christian to begin with’ dodges, consider that Jesus himself committed suicide, and also, his Father let him.

Consider that Jesus, who was God, had the power to prevent his own death, but allowed himself to die. God, the Father, ditto.

At a point just before his death, Jesus cried, My God my God why have you forsaken me. And God did…what in response? In fact God has in the past tested his chosen people by asking them to engage in infanticide (well Abraham’s son Isaac wasn’t an infant, but you get the picture).

In the very first family, one brother, Cain kills the other (fratricide). But we see the grandest example in God sacrificing his own son, as a demonstration of both his (and his son’s) love, I guess for one another and for all of mankind. Suicide as an exemplary sacrifice.

We see the same idea in other types of fundamentalism – that to blow yourself up is a heroic deed, worthy of reward and the more people you kill the more heroic it is. If you’re a Christian depending on God and God’s ultimate gift was suicide, then in our darkest times why should we not copy him when we too feel forsaken?

And the answer is, that is exactly what does happen. What else is war, and murder and every base act when we capitulate to our fears and aggressions?

But doesn’t the constitution of the bible protect the sanctity of life? Interestingly the Ten Commandments talk of ‘thou shalt not murder’, and ‘keep the Sabbath holy’ but not a peep on suicide.

That would create a bind on some believer’s mind – the mere mention and thought in the commandments – because a case can be made that Jesus committed suicide.

It seems the fear of pain and suffering has the same effect as alcohol does on one’s inhibitions, except in this case when one is chronically overwrought one’s responsibilities appear to become diminished.

In the same way that a drunk floats around and isn’t quite connected to the real world (i.e. is disassociated) so too is the potential suicide victim, who drunk on depression, pain and self-pity. In both cases the real world seems both terrifyingly real and unreal. Death seems strangely soothing by comparison.

And the consequences to any action (when drunk or suicidal) appear far removed…and disconnected.

Religion doesn’t help to root a person in the real world, it does the opposite.

Religion doesn’t help us solve real problems but simply anaesthetises them, postpones them, dulls them for another day.

When we ask God to solve our problems what we’re really doing is not taking responsibility to deal with them ourselves. It hints at the foggy possibility of release, and let’s face it, the idea of heaven is a sort of “high” that doesn’t have much in common with physical reality.

When one is in a lot of pain. Even so, the 10th highest cause of death worldwide is suicide, with around 1 million killing themselves annually.

Animals, inferior creatures to human beings, only provide occasional incidental evidence that may be linked to suicide, such as whale stranding’s, but could be explained by other means too.

If human beings commit suicide more than another animal, what does that say about us, and our beliefs? Are they healthy? Do they make sense? Do they help us or make us happy? Or is it all just a chemical imbalance, an imperfect formula some imperfect human beings had the bad luck to be born (created with).

But while the temptation to escape life’s troubles by instantly teleporting to a heavenly afterlife/ realm may make suicide seem a valid choice to some, overall some statistics (see below) appear to demonstrate that in some cases extreme religious affiliation depresses suicides rates, possibly due to the stigma attached to it.

It’s true that religion discourages certain immoral behaviours, such as alcoholism and drug abuse, which could raise one’s risk. At the same time it oppresses behaviours which causes that most insidious of conditions which leads to dysfunction: repression.

Anyone who represses pain and frustration for long periods of time will eventually snap with catastrophic consequences. Religion is good at kindling that process.

This article is written in part to challenge the allegation many Christian’s make – “leave me alone, my beliefs aren’t doing any harm.” The point here is to show that they – since they are based on delusion – are capable of causing maximum harm.

What is a worse crime than for a parent to kill his own child and them himself as an act of desperate and hopeless love?

Any psychology that mitigates these ideas or propensities is clearly highly dangerous to our societies. And since religion increases the likelihood of suicide, that most tragic denial of the sanctity of life, we should hold religion responsible for feeding these crimes against our common humanity.

To conclude, another study conducted in Utah (more information below) shows that the state suicide rates there (in America’s most religious state) are well above America’s national suicide average.

This suggests – to me anyway – that being religious predisposes one to suicide, particularly in the sense outlined above: that the afterlife psychology both falsely anaesthetises the fear of death, and also one’s construct of heaven encourages a ‘happy fictional solution’ to real world problems, which in the scheme of things, don’t really make sense.

For example, killing yourself may solve some of your financial problems, but may give your loved one’s a lifetime of emotional pain and brokenness.

http://aje.oxfordjournals.org/content/155/5/413.long

In 1996, suicide was the third leading cause of death for US males aged 15–24 years and the fourth leading cause of death for US males aged 25–44 (1). In Utah, for 1991–1995, suicide was the second leading cause of death for males aged 15–24 years and the leading cause of death for males aged 25–44 (2). For more than a decade, suicide rates in Utah for young males aged 15–34 years have been substantially higher than national suicide rates (3, 4). Although a number of risk factors for suicide have been suggested, a low level of religious commitment or religiosity is a potential risk factor that merits further study.

http://aje.oxfordjournals.org/content/155/5/413.long

http://www.iol.co.za/news/crime-courts/mom-wakes-up-after-ex-kills-kids-1.1549623#.UevDW215f2w

http://www.iol.co.za/news/crime-courts/i-saw-alberton-dad-gun-down-family-1.1548910#.UevH-W15f2w

http://www.rapport.co.za/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/Moorde-so-beplan-20130720

http://www.iol.co.za/news/crime-courts/mom-wakes-up-after-ex-kills-kids-1.1549623#.Uew1aI3RiSo

Angryman! Why You Always Talkin’ About Racism?

REBLOGGED:

You know? I was just sitting here today; thinking about everything and I mean everything that I have written and do write about.

It occurred to me that when I began writing, I had a goal; a mission.

It was to expose the lies that our government tells us and to encourage the rich to pay more taxes. A pretty modest goal; I think.

As much as I have tried to fulfill that goal; it has become clear to me that what I once thought a modest goal; was in fact; a huge over reach.

It didn’t take very long or very much energy to find out that the ways our government lies to us are so many that it would take the rest of my life and many more to even attempt to detail them.

As far as the rich paying more taxes? Well that truly did turn out to be a modest goal. Turns out that while it is true that the wealthy pay little to no taxes on much of their money; and the poor and middle class pay the bulk of the taxes because they are the ones affected by the various fees and sales taxes and payroll taxes etc.; this is a small problem and one that would be solved automatically if the rest of our problems solved. Even if the biggest few of our problems could be solved.

Number one; biggest problem we have today? Racism. No doubt.

Some people have asked me why I like Black people so much?

I say it’s cause they got good weed; good attitude; Reggae; the long-suffering of a saint; and have been shafted from the get-go; and need all the support they can get from those of us Caucasians; Whites; who are able to see their situation as it really is.

The truth is that I don’t love Black people so much and I don’t like people because they are black. I like people because they are people; black; white or whatever. Just because you are black; doesn’t make me feel obligated to like you. Neither does being white or any other color. I can dislike you with the best of them if I think you’re an asshole. So I guess I do discriminate;…against Assholes.

You know; you can’t take something like skin-tone with any seriousness. The very acknowledgement that you can detect it is an insult to us all. Because knowing it is of no; repeat that; NO value.

Unless you are trying to describe the guy who lifted your cow. Then it’s ok to tell what shade he is.

But what isn’t ok is for anyone to assume what color he is; based on his actions.

One is racism; the other a good report.

Being anti-racist or non-racist is a much maligned and oft misunderstood stance to take.

I have been accused of everything from ass-kissing to hidden sexual tastes based on skin-tone. My responses have often been less than polite but in my better; less angry moments I have managed to explain that I fail to understand what these folks believe to be my motive for the ass-kissing; unless it has to do with my supposed sexual proclivity which; I have explained is non-existent. Not that I have anything against Black women or Yellow women; or Red women. I dig the rainbow but I am a married man; married to a white woman who I am very much in Love with and who is also a non-racist sort of chick and I take my vowels very seriously for reasons which are partly biblical in origin but primarily about human dignity, respect, self-respect, love, and a sincere desire to avoid doing more damage than I absolutely must as I travel through this life. My failures to date are enough for my ability to carry their guilt and I try to be very careful about what I put out into the universe.

Let’s face the facts. Let’s not pretend to be blind or deaf or stupid.

Let us admit that we are at least semi-intelligent people who are able to say what we see; who will not ignore the nose on our face or say “What’s the Buzz?” when we hear the cries of our brothers.

Think of what your country would be like if there was no racism. Think of all the problems, violence, hatred and grief could be saved. Think of all we could do if instead of battling each other; we could work together free of those destructive forces that hold us back now.

Hard isn’t it? It is hard. It is hard because we as a nation have been programmed to hate each other. It’s everywhere. Giving in to it is so much easier than fighting it. If we are to escape racism; we must seek knowledge ourselves because the schools; the courts; the military; and the rest of the institutions of our society are woefully unenthusiastic and the government way less than zealous at seeking the truth and peace between us and us.

So when I see a crime; a person being beaten; when I hear the cries of children; not abstract children of a proverbial nature but the cries of real children who live around the corner from me or go to school with my kids or appear in TV videos of brutal attacks around the world; I have discovered that I feel that I must speak out. I must tell the truth.

The truth is usually not as hard to identify as you have been led to believe.

You are not as inept and stupid as you have been led to believe.

If we are standing before a great hole in the ground and I tell you not to jump and someone else says it’s ok to jump; you know the truth; you have the prior knowledge to sort it out and figure which one is telling the truth.

Well you can do the same thing when you are confronted with other issues and problems; if; you don’t allow your ego; your vanity; to get in your eyes and ears. If you can decide to stand up; a person of Integrity. Sadly, not all can.

What I discovered when I took a long look into the abyss is that I can’t live with myself if I don’t speak out and I can’t stand to see the suffering of people especially but not exclusively children; of any color you care to name.

It hurts me. I am no longer ashamed to say that many of the atrocities I see and hear of bring me to tears of sadness and frustration. I don’t understand how they don’t have the same effect on everyone.

One thing that Clinical Depression does for you instead of to you is to give you the ability for introspection. What the end of that will be is determined by the severity of your depression, the treatment you receive and what you decide to do with it when you can do something. Confusing? You should live through it and figure this shit out for yourself.

I figured out a whole bunch of shit. Much of it; enough to send you back into the fucking abyss by itself.

But after my last sojourn there, I became convinced that I was wasting what time I have left on this Earth in redundancy.

My next post will not be disconnected from this subject. It will deal with racism also.

And there’s a movie for those who prefer a more passive learning experience.

Sadly, we are not alone among nations when it comes to being racist. We should be the first to actually address the problem in a way that will work. This though, can only happen when we want it. We can have anything if we really want it enough; or rather if enough of us really want it.

Reblogged from: Angryman! Why You Always Talkin’ About Racism?.

The whimper

I am in such a bad place. I have been trying to write a post for 4 days. Words elude me.

Very dear friends of ours lost their son and two granddaughters on Thursday. It is a family murder/suicide and my heart is breaking for the family. Our friend, the father of the son who committed suicide (and murder) phoned on Wednesday night to hear how I was coping with Vic’s 6 month anniversary… On Thursday – on Vic’s 6 month anniversary I sympathised with him and his wife on their devastating loss….

I am in shock (as is the entire community) and heartbroken for our friends, his parents and the grandparents of the two beautiful girls. I fear for the mother of the girls. Her life is out of danger, but I cannot imagine her pain or imagine her recovery and healing…

I have been thinking about how different our grief is but I will write later. Now I have to cry.

Reposted from http://reneejulene.com/2013/07/11/the-whimper/ There is a sound that somehow I had forgotten. I don’t know how I forgot it because it is a sound that I am all too familiar with. It is the sound of a broken heart. It is the sound of the leveling of the soul. It is the sound of exhaustion. It is the sound of anguish. It is the noise made after there are no more tears. Losing a child is not loud, forceful and superficial. It is quiet, deep and profound. It is the saddest sound of all. It is the whimper of a mother who has lost a part of her very being, her child.

http://www.toms-travels.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/3candles.jpg

From the diary of my precious child…

I found these words in Vic’s diary. It was an entry towards the end of her life. I believe it is a message from my precious angel child – not only to me but to her friends and family.

I found a web source when I did the plagiarism check. The poem was written by Karen Vervaet. Vic changed some words by never finished writing what she started.

These are the words my beautiful child wanted to share with her friends and family…

Goodbye
I turn my head and look towards death now.
Feeling my way through the tunnel with the space of
emptiness and quiet.
The shimmering silence that awaits me.
This is my direction now; inward to the green pastures…
The cares of the world concern me no longer.
I have completed this life. My work is done, my
children grown.
My loved ones are well on their hero’s journey. (original text – My husband is well on his…)
I have loved much and well…
Those I leave behind, I love.
I hope I will remain in their hearts as they will
in mine…
Thank you for taking such good care of me…
And all of you who have been my friends, thank you
for teaching me about love.
Karen Vervaet

My funeral

I am writing this through my tears. A dear cyber friend of mine is dying from congenital heart failure. She is a wise and terribly brave person. She posted this today…

“so here it is and then i am off to sleep. when my sister was here we started talking about cremation. of course she is the only person in my family that i would have this discussion with. may i add we laughed although not all would find this humorous. when cremated how do they separate the human remains from the ashes of the container used? if no container is used why do they charge for it? i have looked online for the answer and didn’t find it.”

This post jerked me back to Vic’s death bed. The memory of Vic sitting in her bed with an open file on her lap was burnt into my mind…. The folder – “My Funeral”

“Mommy, these are the hymns I want for my funeral…”

“Amazing Grace” and “How great thou art” were Vic’s hymns of choice…

“Mommy, do you think I can have candles? Lots of candles?” Vic asked.

In May 2012 Vic asked whether I would deliver her eulogy… She asked me to thank Jared for taking care of her and Jon-Daniel for making her laugh.

“Remember to make a list of everyone that we need to thank Mommy. I would hate for us to leave out anyone… “

On the 2^nd of January, 16 days before she died, Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers; she requested that her minister be called to administer communion.

“Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible”

I still feel the despair I felt then knowing that death was on the forefront of my child’s mind. I felt her fear of death; her terror of the unknown. I felt her desperate sadness and her reluctance to say goodbye… On the one hand her pain filled, little body was so diseased and weak. On the other hand,her will to live was so strong!

I was helpless. I was praying that Vic would die – that her suffering would end. I was bargaining with God to spare her. I tried negotiating with Him – my life for hers.

I still feel the madness that I felt then.

My dear friend is going through the same fears and emotions that my precious child did. She is making the same decisions. I wish I could reach out and hug her. I wish I could grab her from the claws of death.

I am thinking of you tonight my dear friend. In my thoughts you are well and safe. I wish I could spare you this journey. Lots of love and hugs.

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/02/13/the-process-of-preparing-for-death/

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/04/28/seasons-and-reasons/

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/04/25/it-is-okay-to-let-go-my-angel-child/

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/02/sisters-by-heart/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/20/i-dont-want-to-die/

http://thedrsays.org/2013/07/16/quick-question/

Mandela Day 18 July – what are you going to do?

South Africans from all walks of life are gearing up to celebrate Nelson Mandela International Day on Thursday, the 18^th of July. This is in honour of Nelson Mandela‘s legacy, whose life and commitment to democracy has shown that everyone is useful and has potential to bring change for the good of all.

The idea of Mandela Day was inspired by Nelson Mandela at his 90th birthday celebrations in London’s Hyde Park in 2008 when he said: “It is time for new hands to lift the burdens. It is in your hands now.”

The United Nations officially declared 18 July as Nelson Mandela International Day in November 2009, recognising Mandela’s “values and his dedication to the service of humanity” and acknowledging his contribution “to the struggle for democracy internationally and the promotion of a culture of peace throughout the world”.

Website:www.mandeladay.com
UN website:www.un.org/mandeladay
Play Your Part, a social network that links individuals eager to make a difference with community organisations:www.playyourpart.co.za

People around the world are challenged to spend at least 67 minutes doing good work in their communities in honour of the 67 years that Mandela gave in service and sacrifice. Please help us make the world a better place!

The overarching objective of Mandela Day is to inspire individuals to take action to help change the world for the better, and in doing so build a global movement for good. Ultimately it seeks to empower communities everywhere. “Take Action; Inspire Change; Make Every Day a Mandela Day.”

‘It is in your hands to make of our world a better one for all’ – Nelson Mandela (Photo: Mandela Day)

South Africa‘s focus this year would be “on community development and a call to everyone to use their energies, wisdom and skills to contribute towards eradicating poverty, addressing food security and reducing hunger”

I am Vic’s mother!

Child-loss is a black hole of grief and sorrow in which every emotion is compressed and compounded. It is an inescapable vortex.

Vic was the centre of my emotional cosmos. My world revolved around my precious child. Vic was my past, my present and my future. When she died it felt as if my life ended.

For the first time in 38 years I cried. I truly cried and called to the heavens. It was as if 38 years of pent up fear, anguish and stress was released. I screamed, I sobbed, I wept… Did you know that there is a difference between weeping and sobbing? I clung to my child. I stroked her hair. I washed her little body and dressed her in her favourite pyjamas. I sprayed her favourite perfume on her.

Grief is a strange journey.

When I embarked on the Journey of Mourning it was a strange road. I had lost people I love dearly before. My mom, my dad, BFF’s, colleagues and family had died. Of course grandparents too… But I had never lost a child. This is a road I had never travelled before. I did not only lose my precious child but I also lost the person I was.

Within a millisecond I ceased to be a mother. Wait – I became a “bereaved mother.” The hope I had clung to for 36.5 years was lost! The fight in me was gone.

The second my child’s soul left her body my heart shattered into a million pieces.

The hardest thing I had to do in my life was say goodbye to my child; listening to her breathing getting weaker and weaker…. knowing that her last breath was so close.

Then I thought nothing would match my pain watching my precious baby leave our home for the last time in a plastic sheet on a gurney until I had to stand and watch the hearse drive away with my precious, precious child lying in a cold hard coffin – her destination a crematorium!

No matter how prepared I thought I was for Vic’s death – I wasn’t! People seem to think I should be grateful Vic is dead. Just as people did not want to listen to me talking about Vic’s terrible suffering they now don’t want me to talk about Vic after she died. They ask you how you are doing hoping you won’t be honest and answer…

It is almost surreal to see that the world has carried on with its business; that the heavens are unchanged; that life has continued. I look at myself and I think that people that don’t know me would never guess that my life ended 6 months ago… People pat me on the back and say “You are so strong…”

We are nearing Vic’s 6 month anniversary and I have learnt to breathe again. I have learnt to stay strong for the boys. My life will and must mirror Vic’s strength and courage. Her dream of a Hospice will continue to live on in me…Her goodness will continue to spread to the community and the world!

I raised Vic to be strong, courageous, and brave. Vic taught her sons that she is their mother not their excuse…

I am Vic’s mother – she is my reason; not my excuse!

William Shakespeare and his grief

In 1596, while writing the play “King John”, Shakespeare’s 11-year-old son, Hamnet, died. In “King John” William Shakespeare offers us a glimpse of what it means to truly live with grief: to accept its presence into one’s daily life.

Shakespeare’s overwhelming grief is evident in the words of Constance.

http://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O133688/constance-and-arthur-shakespeare-king-oil-painting-stothard-thomas/

Synopsis of The King – http://www.shakespeare-literature.com/King_John/0.html

Richard I, also known as Geoffrey Plantagenet, also known as Richard Cordelion is killed by a man named Austria. As left in Richard’s will, his youngest brother John becomes Richard’s successor to the crown of England. However, Constance, widow of Richard’s younger (and John’s older) brother Geoffrey, feels that her adolescent son, Arthur, should have become the new king of England. Constance appeals to the King of France, Philip, to help her oust John from the throne and place Arthur on it. A third claim to the throne appears (though none of the characters ever acknowledge him) in the personage of Philip, a bastard son of Richard I, actually older than Arthur, and much more similar in manners and looks to Richard I than Arthur is. John knights the Bastard (as he is called throughout by Shakespeare) and allows him to accompany him to the city of Algiers (in France) where they, along with Queen Elinor (the mother of both King John and Richard I), confront King Philip (of France). King Philip is actually helped by the man Austria, supposedly since Austria is sorrowful for having killed Richard I. King Philip’s son, Prince Lewis (the Dauphin), also helps his father threaten King John.

The two kings and their armies fight one another to prove which is the true king of England to Hubert, a leader in Algiers. Hubert cannot be convinced, and instead offers a compromise whereby Prince Lewis marries Blanch, daughter of Richard I and niece to King John. The kings agree and the marriage is settled, with the dowry including some outlying British lands and peace between King John and King Philip. To appease Arthur, and more-so his mother Constance, King John makes Arthur the Duke of Britain and Earl of Richmond. Constance does not appreciate the titles, since she only wants her son Arthur to be king. The Bastard does not approve of the marriage and entitlements, and fears bad things will become of it.

On the wedding day, Cardinal Pandulph (a legate under the Pope) arrives and orders King John to allow the Papal chosen Archbishop of Canterbury to take office, an act that King John had not been allowing. King John continues to disobey the Pope’s wishes, and consequently, Pandulph excommunicates King John. Out of fear of repercussions, King Philip abandons his peace with King John and war breaks out again. During battle, the Bastard kills Austria (in revenge for Austria killing Richard I, the Bastards’s father), King John captures Algiers, and John captures Arthur. John orders Hubert to return to England with Arthur and to kill him, hoping Arthur’s death will secure John’s title to the throne (reminiscent of Richard III). Pandulph suggests to Prince Lewis that he try to become King of England, playing on the English subjects’ inevitable outrage over Arthur’s sure-to-come future murder by King John.

Hubert tries to burn out Arthur’s eyes (an unexplained shift from murder), but cannot, though he tells King John that Arthur is dead. The English Lords denounce King John for killing Arthur and secede to help Prince Lewis. In sorrow over the kidnapping and death of her son, Constance dies. Queen Elinor also dies, though reasons are not given. Hubert then tells John that Arthur is in truth alive, cheering him up, though unbeknownst to anyone, Arthur has leapt to his own death from a castle wall. King John repents to the Pandulph and is reinstated into the church. War on English soil ensues with the Bastard actually leading the army and acting as the King, since King John falls ill and seems incapable of making decisions. The Bastard’s army wins the day’s battles. A dying Frenchman, Melun, warns the English Lords that Lewis plans on beheading them as soon as the battle with the English is over, so the Lords switch back to King John’s side. Resting at a monastery, a monk poisons King John, though the monk himself dies after tasting the food for King John. King John’s son Prince Henry shows up (a fourth claim to the English throne) in time to witness his father’s death. Pandulph convinces the French to make peace and return to France, and Prince Henry is named the new king. Time period is approx. 1210-1216 A.D. Also, King John signed the Magna Carta, though Shakespeare makes no mention of this.

Not unlike any mother Constance characterizes Arthur as “my all the world” and “my sorrow’s cure.” She exults in his beauty and his royal birth, hangs over him with adoration, and sees his infant brow already encircled with the diadem.

When bereaved of her son, grief not only “fills the room up of her absent child,” but seems to absorb every other faculty and feeling — even pride and anger. In her grief she of him only as her “Pretty Arthur” and not a future king.

“Grief fills the room up of my absent child.
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me.
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words.
Remembers me of all his gracious parts.
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form.
Then, have I reason to be fond of grief.”

No other feeling can be traced through her frantic scene; it is grief only — a, mother’s heart-rending, soul-absorbing grief — and nothing else. Not even indignation nor the desire for revenge interferes with its soleness and intensity.

In 1725 Alexander Pope decried Constance’s extravagant mourning as unworthy of Shakespeare’s genius.

It is clear that Pope did not see what Shakespeare so masterfully portrayed… Constance as a typical mother… It is also clear that Shakespeare had experienced and lived with the ignorance and insensitivity of friends and maybe even family….

“Grief fills the room up of my absent child…”

CARDINAL PANDULPH: “You hold too heinous a respect of grief.”

CONSTANCE: “He talks to me that never had a son.”

KING PHILIP: “You are as fond of grief as of your child.”

Other quotes that reflect Shakespeare’s insight into grief.

“My grief lies all within
And these external manners of lament
Are merely shadows to the unseen grief
That swells with silence in the tortured soul.”

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”

I am hopeful that Shakespeare experienced true friendship in his grief and that these words were not a cry, but rather an acknowledgement of love and friendship received.

“He that is thy friend indeed,
He will help thee in thy need:
If thou sorrow, he will weep;
If thou wake, he cannot sleep:
Thus of every grief in heart
He with thee does bear a part.
These are certain signs to know
Faithful friend from flattering foe.”

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/he_that_is_thy_friend_indeed-he_will_help_thee_in/330866.html

“Every one can master a grief but he that has it.”

William Shakespeare plays shows great insight into the grief. He words continue to speak for grieving people even today.

I feel so rudderless today. I cannot even articulate my own grief….

http://www.shakespeare-online.com/plays/characters/constancebio.html

http://www.consolatio.com/2005/04/grief_fills_the.html

http://shakespeare.mit.edu/john/john.3.4.html

http://www.opentohope.com/400-years-later-shakespeare-still-wise-about-grief/

http://hearingshakespeare.blogspot.com/2012/07/have-i-reason-to-be-fond-of-grief.html

http://www.archive.org/stream/cu31924013161322/cu31924013161322_djvu.txt

Always the lady

Exactly one year ago Vic had a Brazilian Blow-dry. This is what I posted then…

Today I took Vic to the hairdresser and she had a Brazilian blow-dry treatment. Now, for those of you who are as ignorant as I was, this is a “hair straightening” process. Four hours!!

Shame Vic was sleeping in the chair…poor baby! She is exhausted but it will make her life so much easier for many months ahead. Vic will not wash and leave her hair – it has to be sleek…Now with this Brazilian blow-dry thing we can wash her hair and leave it! Bliss!!

I never saw my late Mom not immaculately dressed with her hair beautifully done. No matter how ill she was, Mom went to the hairdresser three times a week. Her nails were always immaculate and Mom would get very annoyed with me if I wasn’t wearing make-up and had my hair in a ponytail. “Always the lady” was her motto. As it is Vic’s. I find it absolutely amazing that she insists on getting dressed most days. Well, certainly before the boys get home from school. She does not want the boys to see her in pyjamas. When we wash her hair it must be blow dried…She will not scrunch it or put it up in a ponytail, plait or pin…Vic’s hair has to be sleek…No matter how ill she is.

Her little body is so swollen from the cortisone. Her face looks like a little chipmunk’s! It happens from time to time. What is worrying is that Vic’s blood pressure is steadily increasing. Addison’s symptoms include low blood pressure…so why is Vic all of a sudden developing high blood pressure? And Madam will not see a doctor! What to do?

Vic does look so beautiful after her hairdressing marathon. She is passed out and I know it will take her a week to recover from this outing. But, it is well worth it!

These are the words Jared wrote for Vic’s funeral letter….

Dear Mommy…

Words could never explain what you mean to me…

It always meant so much to me that no matter how bad you felt or how sick you were, you always went out of your way to do anything and everything you could for us… Always going out of your way to make everyone’s life easier especially mine…

You were always my hero… No matter how sick you were every morning you woke up and got dressed. Even if you didn’t do anything you always looked your best…

I love you so much mommy… You made such an impact on everyone’s life that you will never be forgotten…you will forever live in our memories as the bravest woman and best Mommy of all time…

No one will ever be able to replace you…

Jared

Jared and his Mommy 1.1.2013

Always the lady…

176 days…..4234 hours

In the words of William Shakespeare…

“Time is very slow for those who wait;
very fast for those who are scared;
very long for those who lament;
very short for those who celebrate; but for those who love, time is eternal.”

It is Friday again. I hate Fridays. A mere 176 days ago my precious child died. It seems as if it has been a lifetime. It makes more sense when I say Vic died 4234 hours ago…

Yet, it seems as if it was yesterday.

Difference between Anxiety and Depression

It was very presumptuous of me to actually think I could write a series on depression. The more I research the subject the more I realise that it is not for hacks (like myself) to blog about. It is a very difficult and complex issue. So I shall only share my own notes with you.

Please note I am NOT a doctor or a psychiatrist or psychologist…I have no training or expertise. Just my own notes. I am sharing because it is so fascinating!

Anxiety and depression have been called first cousins…

Whilst there is a lot of commonality between the two – they are separate conditions that requires different treatment! Furthermore,the symptoms often overlap, and one can suffer from GAD and depression at the same time!

Photo credit: www.wikinut.com — Photo credit: http://www.wikinut.com

People suffering from anxiety often find themselves feeling like something bad might happen and they’re worried it will. People suffering from depression often assume a bad future and don’t expect anything else or think there’s anything worth preventing.

The term “anxiety disorder” refers to generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is a condition that describes a situation when a person experiences stress for no particular reason. GAD patients worry excessively, uncontrollably, and irrationally about normal situations to the extent that they have trouble functioning because of their fears about money, death, family, relationships, and work. People with GAD might feel tired, fidget, have constant headaches, feel nauseous, and have pain all over the body. Other symptoms of GAD include trouble swallowing, rashes, hot flashes, and problems breathing. The physical symptoms of anxiety can be as disturbing as the emotion itself.

A powerful anxiety attack will cause moments of intense fear. During a panic attack one may experience increased muscle tension and rigidity, an accelerated heart rate or palpitations, light-headedness, chest pain, shortness of breath, a dry mouth, trembling, sweating and clammy hands, a queasy stomach, nausea, and perhaps even diarrhoea. A panic attack might occur in response to a particular situation or for no reason at all.

My BFF Marlene, who died of a heart attack in 2011 suffered from panic attacks. She feared the panic attacks themselves, as they were overwhelming and unpredictable. The first couple of times she thought she had a heart problem (which she did). Her fear compounded the attacks. Her anxiety manifested itself through pronounced restlessness (restless legs), fidgeting, clenching her hands and grinding her teeth.

There is a free anxiety test that can help. It is possible to have a combinations of both. This is called a “comorbid” condition. Symptoms may overlap as both share similar causes, issues, etc.

Depression can occur after someone experiences anxiety, because someone who deals with severe anxiety may end up feeling drained and hopeless once their anxiety or anxiety attack is over. Similarly, those with depression can still fear certain things getting worse, despite already being of the belief that the future is less positive or bright.

Although the physical symptoms between anxiety and depression can be very different there are similarities. Both anxiety and depression can leave you feeling drained and fatigued. But in the case of anxiety, the intense fatigue usually occurs after intense anxiety, while with depression it tends to be more constant, without necessarily any triggers.

Depression tends to have fewer physical symptoms, but the mental symptoms can be so dangerous (especially the potential for suicidal thoughts) and the lack of energy so pronounced that many people with depression deal with intense struggles daily that certainly rival the symptoms of anxiety.

I found an excellent article that reads easily.

Recovery Guide
to Anxiety Disorders

Getting rid of anxiety disorders isn’t the same as taking out the trash. If you take your trash out to the curb, it’s gone forever, and won’t come back. But when you try to dispose of chronic anxiety, you often find that this task is more like the child’s game, “Whack a Mole“, than it’s like taking out the trash. Each time you hit a mole, more moles pop up. Every effort that you make to fight against anxiety, invites more of it.

So you need to be able to work smart, not hard, to overcome anxiety disorders. This guide will help you do that.

The Anxiety Trick

The fears, phobias, and worry that you experience with chronic anxiety disorders often seem “irrational”, and difficult to overcome. That’s because there is a “Trick” to chronic anxiety problems. Have you ever wondered why fears and phobias seem like such difficult problems to solve? The reason is that chronic fears literally trick you into thinking and acting in ways that make the problem more chronic. You can’t learn to float through anxiety disorders if you don’t understand the Anxiety Trick.

The outcome of the Anxiety Trick is that people get fooled into trying to solve their anxiety problems with methods that can only make them worse. They get fooled into “putting out fires with gasoline”.

The Key Fears

There are six principal anxiety disorders. The fears are different, but each one relies on the same Anxiety Trick, and draws upon the same kinds of anxiety symptoms.

And in each case, the person tries to extinguish the fears by responding in ways that actually make the problem worse and more chronic. Here are the key fears, and typical responses, of the six main anxiety disorders.

Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia

A person with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia fears that a panic attack will disable him in some way – kill him, make him crazy, make him faint, and so on. In response, he often goes to great lengths to protect himself from a panic attack, by avoiding ordinary activities and locations; by carrying objects, like water bottles and cell phones, that he hopes will protect him; by trying to distract himself from the subject of panic; and numerous other strategies will ultimately make the problem more persistent and severe, rather than less.

The fear of driving is often a part of panic disorder.

Social Anxiety Disorder (or Social Phobia)

A person with Social Phobia fears becoming so visibly and unreasonably afraid in front of other people that they will judge her as a weak, inadequate person, and no longer associate with her. In response, she often goes to great lengths to avoid social experiences, hoping that this avoidance will save her from embarrassment and public humiliation. However, her avoidance of social situations leads her to become more, rather than less, fearful of them, and also leads to social isolation.

The fear of public speaking, and the broader fear of stage fright are considered to be specific instances of Social Phobia.

Specific Phobia

A Specific Phobia is a pattern of excessive fear of some ordinary object, situation, or activity. A person with a fear of dogs, for instance, may fear that a dog will attack him; or he may be afraid that he will “lose his mind”, or run into heavy traffic, on encountering a dog.

People with phobias usually try to avoid what they fear. Unfortunately, this often creates greater problems for them. Not only do they continue to fear the object, but the avoidance restricts their freedom to enjoy life as they would see fit.

A specific phobia is usually distinguished from Panic Disorder by its narrow focus. A person with a fear of flying who has no fear of other enclosed spaces would likely be considered to have a specific phobia. A person who fears airplanes, elevators, tunnels, and bridges is usually considered to have Panic Disorder or claustrophobia. However, the fear of public speaking is usually considered to be a part of Social Phobia.

A person with a Blood Phobia may fear a variety of situations, but they all involve the prospect of seeing blood. A person with a fear of vomiting (either fearing that they will vomit, or that that they’ll see someone else vomit) would be considered to have Emetophobia. The official definitions of some of these disorders will change in 2013, so don’t get preoccupied with the label.

Whether you have one or multiple phobias, these are very treatable conditions.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

A person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder experiences intrusive, unwelcome thoughts (called obsessions) which are so persistent and upsetting that he fears the thoughts might not stop.

In response, he tries to stop having those thoughts with a variety of efforts (called compulsions). Unfortunately, the compulsions usually become a severe, upsetting problem themselves.

For example, a man may have obsessive thoughts that he might pass swine flu on to his children, even though he doesn’t have the flu himself, and wash his hands repetitively in an effort to get rid of that thought. Or a woman may have obsessive thoughts that she left the garage door open, and repeatedly check the garage all night in an effort to stop thinking that. Not only do these efforts fail to rid the person of the unwelcome thoughts, they become a new form of torment in that person’s life.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

A person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder worries repeatedly and continually about a wide variety of possible problems, and becomes so consumed by worry that she fears the worry will eventually kill her or drive her to a “nervous breakdown”. In response, she often tries a wide variety of “thought control” methods she hopes will enable her to “stop thinking about it.” Distraction is one such effort. Unfortunately, the effort to stop thinking about it actually makes the worrisome thoughts more persistent.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

A person who has witnessed or experienced some dangerous or life threatening event (a shooting or a car crash) fears that the subsequent thoughts and powerful reminders of that event will lead to a loss of control or mental illness. The powerful symptoms of fear and upset a person experiences when recalling a terrible event are reactions to that event. However, the person gets tricked into responding to these reactions as if they were warnings of an upcoming danger, rather than reminders of a past one.

And Depression, too?

It’s very common for people to experience depression in response to the way anxiety disorders have disrupted their lives. Less frequently, sometimes people experienced a strong depression before the anxiety set in, and this is a different kind of problem. Either way, depressive symptoms need to be addressed in recovery, so it’s useful to know something about how depression and anxiety disorders are related. http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietydisorders.html

http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201005/anxiety-and-depression

http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety-test/

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/anxiety/gad.html

http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxiety-and-depression.html

https://theconversation.com/telling-the-difference-between-depression-and-anxiety-disorders-1901

http://www.symptomfind.com/search.php?q=treatment+for+generalized+anxiety+disorder

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

Unique Leaves Award

A huge thank you to Patty and Eddie for awarding me this beautiful award.

Patty @ http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/award-shower-big-time/ is a remedial teacher happens to be gifted writer and poet. Eddie@ http://bishoptatro.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/nominated-twice/ is a Man of The Cloth who journeys through life with a nerve disorder and CPS (Chronic Pain Syndrome), along with a list of other conditions. Eddie uses his writing to educate people who are not aware of them.

This award was created by http://limseemin.wordpress.com. limseemin says in the creation post: “This is the very own award that I create for myself. Is in nice? Haha! I name it that way ” Unique Leaves Award” because I feel that all of the bloggers’ blog are unique. They have their own mesmerizing blog. All the author are shimmers orb! For me, unique is a style to say who you are without having to speak. So I come out of this idea to create this award. Tell me if I am wrong, though.” The direct link to first award is right here.

Now that the History Lesson is over on to the Rules.

RULES

Display the award logo in your blog
Link back to the person who nominated you
Tell us how unique you are and your blog
What your thought about unique
Nominate 10 others blogger for this award and link to them
Notify those bloggers for the nomination

How Unique I Am?

I actually thought about this award for a long time. I don’t think I am unique at all. I researched the word “unique”. u·nique

[yoo-neek] and found the following definition:

Adjective

existing as the only one or as the sole example; single; solitary in type or characteristics:a unique copy of an ancient manuscript.
having no like or equal; unparalleled; incomparable: Bach was unique in his handling ofcounterpoint.
limited in occurrence to a given class, situation, or area: a species unique to Australia.
limited to a single outcome or result; without alternative possibilities: Certain types ofproblems have unique solutions.
not typical; unusual: She has a very unique smile.

So I chose No 5 – “not typical; unusual: I gave birth to a very unique child. I carried a child in my belly for less than 9 months but carried her in life for a further 4027 days. My uniqueness lies in the bravery of the child I gave birth to. I gave birth to a child who did not know how to give up; how to die…

A young woman who loved love unconditionally and was able to forgive… So on behalf of Vicky I gracefully accept this unique leaves award.

Thought About Unique

Vic loved fearlessly. She lived fearlessly. She died bravely.

Nominees

Once again – a huge thank you to Patty and Eddie for this beautiful award!!

Vic’s ashes

I truly felt that I should shatter some of Vic’s ashes at Chaka’s Rock. Once I got there I started doubting the wisdom of my decision. We walked on the beach and I waited for a sign….for a white feather to find me.

Friday morning it was time to return home. I had still not received a feather….and Vic was coming home with us – all intact!

The boys and I decided to scatter flowers for Vic. She loved symbolic actions!

It was a pretty dismal day. It was as if the angels were sad for us too… It was gently drizzling when we made our way to the beach. We decided to go to Vic’s favourite spot. Every single year Vic would insist on getting to the beach at least once! She walked with drips stands, we pushed her in her wheelchair, and we carried her to the edge of the water.

The tide was coming in. For a while we just stood on the beach staring at the sea. Looking at the gentle waves crushing on the sand I knew that the flowers would be washed out again.

I tossed the first flower. The boys followed suit…

I stood there mesmerised by the ethereal life of the crashing waves. It was as if the waves whispered “I was here and I lived a life”… Waves formed, were pushed toward the shore, where they collapsed and returned to the ocean. Sometimes waves leave behind ocean treasures they have picked up and carried along with them. Sometimes, the foam, created when air mixes into the water, is the only thing left behind. On Friday the waves carried the flowers back and forth – back and forth crushing the flowers and disposing of the gentle pedals.

The boys and I wrote on the sand. The waves erasing our words….

We stood and our tears mingled with the salty sea water.

The flower pedals were strewn on the beach in the shape of a half heart…

After a long time we left. Our faces wet from the rain and our tears.

Strangely we were at peace. We had survived another first. Next year we will return to Chaka’s with some old memories but also with new memories!

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/07/03/i-am-waiting-for-a-sign/

Want to Understand Mortality? Look to the Chimps

I read this earlier today and was deeply touched. I decided that I simply had to share this with you.

Want to Understand Mortality? Look to the Chimps

By MAGGIE KOERTH-BAKER

Pansy was probably in her 50s when she died, which is pretty good for a chimpanzee. She passed in a way most of us would envy — peacefully, with her adult daughter, Rosie, and her best friend, Blossom, by her side. Thirty years earlier, Pansy and Blossom arrived together at the Blair Drummond Safari and Adventure Park near Stirling, Scotland. They raised their children together. Now, as Pansy struggled to breathe, Blossom held her hand and stroked it.

Illustration by Denise Nestor

When the scientists at the park realized Pansy’s death was imminent, they turned on video cameras, capturing intimate moments during her last hours as Blossom, Rosie and Blossom’s son, Chippy, groomed her and comforted her as she got weaker. After she passed, the chimps examined the body, inspecting Pansy’s mouth, pulling her arm and leaning their faces close to hers. Blossom sat by Pansy’s body through the night. And when she finally moved away to sleep in a different part of the enclosure, she did so fitfully, waking and repositioning herself dozens more times than was normal. For five days after Pansy’s death, none of the other chimps would sleep on the platform where she died.

This account was published in 2010 in the journal Current Biology, but it’s not the only time scientists have watched chimpanzees, bonobos and other primates deal with death in ways that look strikingly like our own informal rituals of mourning: watching over the dying, cleaning and protecting bodies and displaying outward signs of anxiety. Chimps have been seen to make loud distress calls when a comrade dies. They investigate bodies as if looking for signs of life. There are many cases of mothers refusing to abandon dead infants, carrying and grooming them for days or even weeks. Still, it’s rare to capture primate deaths, especially those of chimpanzees and bonobos, in detail. It happens just often enough that many scientists are starting to think there’s something interesting, maybe protohuman, going on.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/30/magazine/want-to-understand-mortality-look-to-the-chimps.html?pagewanted=1&ref=magazine&_r=1&

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I can only assume that, in the eyes of the church and community, the Jesus that Paul believed in, did not die for his (Paul’s) sins? This uncompromising and unforgiving attitude surely does not belong in the Christian faith? How dare we judge ANYONE?

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