Month: March 2013

Fracture 39, 40 and 41…


Vic with her right leg in plaster-of-paris
Vic with her right leg in plaster-of-paris

Two weeks after our arrival in Johannesburg we celebrated Vic’s 3rd birthday.  Tienie drove my car up and was able to be with us for Vic’s birthday.   By her birthday Vic had 38 fractures.

The day of Vic’s birthday Tienie and I went for a drive looking for an ice-cream parlour as a birthday treat for her.  Vic was sitting on the backseat.  Cars did not have safety belts in 1977… a dog ran across the road, and Tienie swerved out to avoid running it over….. Vic fell off the back seat.

I immediately knew her little arm was broken.

We drove to the nearest hospital.  It was Vic’s first visit to an Emergency Room in Johannesburg.  There was a long queue of patients waiting to be seen.  I completed the paperwork and we sat down for the long wait.

Vic being a toddler we got moved to the front of the queue.  A tall, tired looking doctor took down Vic’s medical history.

“Treatment?”  he asked…

I remember thinking “Duh….. You know there is no treatment.”  But, then a spark of hope flamed up and I asked “Do you know of treatment for Osteogenesis Imperfecta?”

“No” he said

“Vicky is having experimental homeopathic treatment.  The physician treating her is Professor Majorkenis” I said

He looked at me and took out a red pen from his pocket.  In huge red letters he wrote “Homeopathic treatment” across the page.  He drew two lines under the words…

In a terse voice he instructed the nurse to take us through to X-rays.  There was no radiologist on duty, and we had to wait for the call-out radiologist to arrive.  I eventually went through to the ER and asked the doctor whether Vic could have something for the pain.  It was 2.5 hours after the event, and she was crying from the pain.

“She cannot have anything for pain.  She may have to go to the theatre.  But then you know that don’t you?” he asked in a very sarcastic tone of voice!

I went back to X-rays seething but knowing that what he said was true.  If the bone had dislocated Vic would have to go to theatre.

By the time I got back to X-rays the radiologist had arrived and was busy setting up the machine.  Vic’s cries of pain are still etched into my heart and brain when her little arm was positioned on the table.  Tears ran down my cheeks whilst I kept telling her that if she kept still it would be over soon.

The X-ray showed 3 clean fractures.  No surgery would be necessary.

We went down to the ER, and the doctor started applying the plaster-of-paris to Vic’s arm.  She was sobbing with pain.

I absolutely lost it.

“If you have a problem with the fact that my child is having homeopathic treatment you take it out on me. “

He just fixed his tired eyes on me and said nothing.

“Do you know what it feels like when your child is sentenced to death and there is no appeal system?  Western traditional doctors, like you, have offered us no hope what so ever!  This Homeopath is prepared to TRY.  That is a hell of a lot more than what doctors like you are prepared to do! ”

His eyes were big and he had stopped working on Vic’s arm by then.

“Now, if you have a problem treating my child with the care and dignity that she deserves I suggest you get someone else in here to take care of her!”

He drew up a syringe with some pain medication and said “This will just sting a little, but it will help for the pain…”

He gave it a couple of minutes and then completed the plaster-of-paris process.

Without a word of apology he wrote a prescription for pain medication.  He curtly said “Take her to her orthopod in three weeks” and walked out of the cubicle…

I lodged a formal complaint against him the following day, but nothing ever came of it.

Was I surprised?  Hell no!  Homeopathic or alternative medicine was satanic in 1977 in South Africa!  We would go to hell for it any way…

On Vic’s 3rd birthday her fracture count went up to 41…

15-year-old rape survivor sentenced to 100 whip lashings…


I received this email from the Avaaz Community.  It is important enough to repost.  Please sign in on the site and sign the petition.

Dear friends,

4644_g2_3_200x100It’s horrific! A Maldives court just sentenced a 15-year-old rape survivor to 100 whip lashings. By threatening Maldives politicians’ precious tourist income we can save this child and stop these outrageous public floggings. Let’s quickly build a one million strong call, then place ads in travel magazines and websites:

Sign the petition

It’s hard to believe, but a 15-year-old rape survivor has been sentenced to be whipped 100 times in public! Let’s put an end to this lunacy by hitting the Maldives government where it hurts: the tourism industry.

The girl’s stepfather is accused of raping her for years and murdering the baby she bore.Now the court says she must be flogged for “sex outside marriage” with another man, who has not even been named! President Waheed of the Maldives is already feeling global pressure on this, and we can force him to save this girl and change the law to spare other victims this cruel fate. This is how we can end the War on Women – by standing up every time an outrage like this happens.

Tourism is the big earner for the Maldives elite, including government ministers. Let’s build a million-strong petition to President Waheed this week, then threaten the islands’ reputation through hard-hitting ads in travel magazines and online until he steps in to save her and abolish this outrageous law. Sign and forward this email now:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/maldives_global/?buPIheb&v=23416

The Maldives is a paradise for tourists. But it’s not always so for the women that live there. There are countries that have even harsher interpretations of Islamic sharia law, but in the Maldives women and children can be publically whipped if found guilty of extramarital sex or adultery. Pre marital ‘fornication’ is illegal, but despite always involving a man and a woman, 90% of the people punished are women! And while a staggering one in three women between ages 15 and 49 have suffered physical or sexual abuse — zero rapists were convicted in the past three years.

Winning this battle can help women everywhere, as the Maldives government is right now running for a top UN human rights position – on a platform of women’s rights! The Maldives is on its own journey to build democracy and wants be a ‘model Islamic democracy’. The President has asked the Attorney-General to appeal the sentence in the 15-year-old’s case. But that’s not enough. Extremists inside the country will force him to abandon further reforms if international attention fades. Let’s tell the Maldives that it stands to lose its reputation as a romantic tourist hot spot unless it moves quickly to uphold universal human and women’s rights.

If enough of us raise our voices, we can get President Waheed and MPs to face down the extremists. The president has already been pushed to act by this shameful, tragic story – let’s seize this moment to prevent more horrifying injustices against girls and women. Sign the petition, then send this email widely:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/maldives_global/?buPIheb&v=23416

When certain extreme cases spark the global public conscience it is crucial to speak out whether it is the US, India or the Maldives. Avaaz members have fought many battles in the global war on women. In Afghanistan, we helped protect a young woman who bravely spoke out about her horrific rape; in Honduras, we fought alongside local women against a law that would jail women using the morning-after pill. Now it’s time to stand with the women of the Maldives.

With hope and determination,

Jeremy, Mary, Nick, Alex, Ricken, Laura, Michelle and the whole Avaaz team

MORE INFORMATION

Maldives girl to get 100 lashes for pre-marital sex (BBC)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-21595814

Maldives government to appeal flogging of rape victim (Dawn, Pakistan)
http://dawn.com/2013/03/01/maldives-government-to-appeal-flogging-of-rape-victim/

Rape victims punished, failed by Maldives justice system (Minivan news, Maldives)
http://minivannews.com/society/raped-victims-punished-failed-by-law-in-the-maldives-53760

Judicial statistics show 90 percent of those convicted for fornication are female (Minivan news, Maldives)
http://minivannews.com/politics/judicial-statistics-show-90-percent-of-those-convicted-for-fornication-are-female-44605

Vic’s treatment starts


1aWe arrived in Johannesburg on a cold winter’s morning.  My father-in-law picked us up from the station.  My eyes were swollen from the crying.  Vic adored her grandparents so she was delighted to see them.  I felt scared, lost and lonely.

The Monday Vic and I met with Prof Majorkenis.  He explained that her diet had to change and that her “magnetic field was very weak”.  He would endeavour to “Strengthen her magnetic field…”  We would see him five days a week.  Vic’s new diet would exclude all sugar and starch, and she had to take a magnitude of homeopathic drops during the day.

“I make no promise – I try” he said.

The professor’s phone call from France was the first positive thing any medical professional ever uttered since Vic’s diagnosis.  The “Western” doctors clicked their tongues, looked into her eyes, called in another colleague and excitedly said “Just look at her eyes…”  Vic was “displayed” and I subjected her to it because I hoped that somewhere, someone would have a cure!

Vic developed a fear of doctors and nurses.  We could not wear white clothes as she would become hysterical with fear when she saw someone dressed in white!  She associated white clothes with doctors and pain.

I can still fear her cries of fear when the plaster-of-paris had to be removed from her arms and legs as she healed… She never trusted the saw that was used to cut the plaster-of-paris off!

I went off to the library and could find no information that made any sense to me.  I was so scared.  In South Africa in the 70’s homeopathy was considered almost satanic!  Homeopathy was not considered a science!

The treatment started on the same Monday.

On the Tuesday I started my new job!  My father-in-law had to drive me to work and back as my car was still in Bloemfontein.  I would leave work at 4pm, and we would rush home so I could get Vic to the Professor for her treatment.  Vic was in a Nursery School and loved her new teachers and friends.  I was lonely and miserable without my family.

Two weeks after I arrived in Johannesburg Tienie drove up with my car.  It immediately made a huge difference.  I had my independence back but with my independence came the responsibility of “big city” traffic!  I left home at 6am so I would avoid the peak-hour traffic!  It was a mere 25 minute drive to my office, and I only started work at 8am.  I was a little girl in a big city with a little girl suffering from a very rare disease.

Vic and I settled into a routine.  We celebrated her 3rd birthday in a strange, big city hoping and praying that the innocent looking drops and treatment would make a difference.

One afternoon we were sitting in the professor’s waiting room and there was a rather unattractive looking gentleman sitting opposite us.  No matter what I did I could not get Vic to divert her eyes.  The gentleman started winking at her and attempting to engage Vic in a conversation.  With her eyes fixed on his face Vic said in a loud whisper “Mommy, why is this man so ugly?”

I wanted to die of embarrassment.  The gentleman good-naturedly laughed and said “Kids….”!

Vic was just a normal little girl with a debilitating disease.

magnetic

MAGNETIC RESONANCE THERAPY

Magnetic Resonance Therapy offers leading edge technology designed to both energize and maximize cellular function in the human body.

Humans are exposed daily to various forms of energy; be it light, sound etc. Each form of energy has it’s own unique influence on how one lives and feels. Similar to how a bright sunny day (light energy) can elevate one’s spirits emotionally or quiet solemn music (sound energy) can invoke feelings of sadness, humans too can be influenced positively by specific magnetic fields.

The Ill-effects Of Zero Gravity…

The Space Programs of the 1960’s provide interesting validation to the “ human” benefits of daily “exposure” to the earth’s magnetic field. A Russian astronaut (Yuri A. Gagarin – 1961) after circling the earth in zero gravity was left critically ill, to the extent that he literally had to be carried out of his space capsule on a stretcher! Following extensive testing as to the cause of his apparent state un-wellness, it was concluded that he was suffering from prolonged absence from the earth’s magnetic field!

Further Research into The Benefits Of Magnetic Fields…

Japanese researcher K. Nakagawa (1976) discovered that individuals, deficient in their “optimal” daily exposure to the earth’s magnetic field, can often display the following symptoms:

  • anxiety
  • insomnia
  • lethargy
  • sadness
  • achiness and soreness of muscle and joints
  • back pain
  • decreased metabolism
  • diminished bone density
  • headaches

 

Schumann Frequencies …

What this all speaks to is the defined human benefit of being influenced daily to the earth’s magnetic field in sufficient amounts. Humans exist in an electrically charged atmosphere called the Ionosphere. The Ionosphere contains charges particles (called ions) that are continually charged by a multitude of lightening strikes that occur around the world on a daily basis. This charging of the atmosphere creates a specific narrow band of naturally occurring low frequency electromagnetic emissions called Schumann Frequencies (as discovered by Dr. Winfried Schumann – Physicist in 1956). Schumann believed that this band of magnetic frequencies offered unique healing properties.

Further Study Revealed….

At a cellular level, human cells resonate either in healthy vibrational states or they exist in varying forms of disharmonious (diseased) states of oscillation. For example, cells in “pain” (the result of trauma) will resonate in a disharmonious or less than ideal manner. These same cells, if exposed to Schumann frequencies, will once again vibrate in healthier modes. Both Red Blood cells and Macrophages vibrate more optimally and act more functionally (as seen under a microscope) after exposure to Schumann frequencies.

Optimal Cellular Function…

Schumann Frequencies are thought to resonate with the human body so as to re-establish and maintain harmonious activity at a cellular level, resulting in positive physiological responses. Re-establishing healthy cellular activity is directly related to the stimulatory effect Schumann Frequencies seem to impart at a cellular level on what are called “Sodium Potassium Pumps” in the cell membranes of every cell in the human body.

Sodium Potassium Pumps – The Key To Optimal Cellular Activity…

Individual cells in the body function ideally when properly energized. More specifically, Sodium-Potassium Pumps enhance both cellular function and as well retard the aging of all cells. Sodium-Potassium pumps accomplish this by both assisting in cellular growth and repair (in terms of the proper absorption of nutrients, vitamins and oxygen) and in cellular elimination (in terms of the  removal of waste and carbon dioxide). Sodium-potassium pumps also help maintain the function of specific surface membrane receptors located on the outer wall of all cells. These receptors are involved in the interplay of hormones and their regulatory effect on cellular and inter-cellular function and communication. In essence, strong Sodium-potassium pumps help create a healthy environment through which all living cells can thrive. Enhanced functional activity of these Sodium-Potassium pumps has been clinically linked to exposure to this specific range of natural electromagnetic fields … more specifically Schumann’s Frequencies!

Enhanced Cellular Function…

The entire metabolism of each cell is thus enhanced. This in turn results in:

  • increased blood flow throughout the body
  • enhanced oxygen delivery
  • a strengthened immune system
  • increased nutrients, vitamins and minerals absorption
  • enhanced respiration
  • increased bone density
  • better system detoxification (liver, kidneys, lungs and spleen)
  • enhanced cellular response to hormonal stimuli and favoured inter-cellular interfacing

In general… optimized cellular function, stabilized biological activity and enhanced overall cellular vitality. http://homeopathyoflondon.com/magnetic-resonance-therapy.php

 

1977


Vic as a baby
Vic as a baby

Yesterday Jon-Daniel and I went for a long walk on the beach.  The water was freezing but my feet adjusted to the temperature.  It was great feeling the sand between my toes.  Families were playing in the sand – very few people were brave enough to swim.  There were quite a few surfers braving the cold water.  The sky was clear and for the first time in many, many months I felt totally relaxed.

I thought back to Vic’s birth!  I remembered a beautiful baby girl born with a mob of black hair.  I remembered the rush of love that I experienced when I first saw her.  I fell in love with Vic the second I lay eyes on her.  When she curled her perfect little fingers around mine I was lost in the wonder of her perfection.

Vic was born 3 weeks early.  She weighed in at 5.6 lbs. (2.54kgs).  She was tiny but perfect!  From the first breath that she took she ruled my life.  Her first little outfit was a baby-pink jersey that a cousin knitted for her.  Her clothes were doll-sized.

My Mom bathed her for the first month of her life.  I was too scared!  At 6 weeks Vic had one feed a night only…. She was born an angel.  Vic had her first known fracture at 6 weeks… She started walking at 18 months; Vic built her first puzzle before she could crawl.

I remembered her gurgling and laughing.  The minute she opened her eyes she would have this huge smile on her face.  Her smile reached her eyes even then….

Vic never stopped smiling.  She was a ray of sunshine.  She never complained.

When I think of the cards the poor little poppet was dealt I realize more than ever what an incredibly strong person she was.

We were driving back from the first athletic meeting when she was in Grade 1.

“Mommy I want to ask you something” Vic said

“You know you can ask my anything you want…” I replied very upbeat.  I had won the parents race and felt pretty good about myself.

“I know what you are going to say …” Vic said

I looked into the rearview mirror and saw silent tears running down her little cheeks.

“What’s wrong Angel?” I asked

“Mommy, why can’t I run like the other children?” she replied.

Vic was diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at 18 months.

I was in total denial that there was anything wrong with my perfect child.  My Dad was the only one who was brave enough to continuously tell me that there was something with Vic.  The sclera of her eyes was blue and she fractured easily.

The grandparents conspired with Tienie (her father) and took her to the Freestate University.  A professor assessed Vic and diagnosed Osteogenesis Imperfecta.

The family decided that Tienie had to break the news to me.  I went mad with fear.  OI is a very rare disease and in the pre-world wide web days, a library was the only source of information.   I went from doctor to doctor begging for a cure or even a hint of hope that there was a cure in sight.  The doctors told me I should wrap Vic in cotton wool and wait for her to die

Whilst all of this was happening Vic kept fracturing bones.  She would bump her little sandal against the step and fracture her tibia.  Whilst in Plaster-of-Paris she would re-fracture in the Plaster–of-Paris…  We were treated like child-abusers at hospital emergency rooms and our neighbours reported us to Child Welfare.

Every living moment I would talk to Vic about how special she was; how frail her little bones were and how careful she must be.

When Vic was 3 years old a colleague mentioned a homeopath that worked miracles with rare and untreatable disorders…  a Professor Majorkenis.  I immediately made an appointment to see him.  He practiced in Johannesburg, and as a small town girl I was petrified.  Johannesburg was Sodom and Gomorrah!

The Professor was of Greek descent.  He was of a short stature and spoke heavily accented English.  His brown eyes were wrinkled, warm and gentle.  His handshake was firm and reassuring.

He spent a long time examining her, measuring her electronic fields and all sorts of weird and foreign tests.

He made no commitment.  He merely told me that he was on-route to Europe for an International Homeopathic Association conference and would discuss it with his fellow doctors there.  (He was President of the International   Homeopathic Association.)

I received a phone call from France a week later.  It was the professor!  The connection was poor and with his heavy accent I managed to hear that he was prepared to do experimental treatment and wanted to start in two weeks!

Without any discussion with anyone I resigned my job, phoned a colleague who has relocated to Johannesburg a couple of months earlier and asked him whether he knew of any vacancies in the glass industry and went home to break the news to my husband and parents!

The family went into high-energy planning.  Vic and I would travel by train as I was scared of driving on my own and getting lost.  Tienie would drive my car to Johannesburg two weeks later so he could celebrate Vic’s 3rd birthday with us.  I would live with my parents-in-law,  who had recently relocated to Johannesburg, and Tienie would live with my parents.  He was still at University and could not relocate.

We gave up the flat, packed up our furniture and belongings and put everything in storage.  Vic and I said our goodbyes to all our friends and then it was time to leave…

I remember my fear with crystal clear clarity when we boarded the train.  I cried hysterically and clung to my Dad.  My mom sobbed, and my dad wiped tears from his eyes telling me I must be strong and look after the “little one”.  We would speak on the phone every Sunday…

The train slowly pulled out of the station, and I held my sobbing baby girl close to my heart.  Her hair was wet from my tears.  Vic was totally distraught.  My parents, siblings and Tienie faded into the night as we sped towards a cure.

 

Easter


Soon it will be Easter.

Easter was one of Vic’s favourite times of the year.  She loved the Easter Egg Hunt ever since she was a toddler… Traditionally we always celebrate Easter Bunny Day on the Monday and not Easter Sunday.  (I did not want the Easter Bunny Hunt to be confused with the true meaning of Easter.)

As a toddler the EEH build-up started on the Sunday evening.  If she went to bed early (and without a protest) the Easter bunny  would come and visit the next day….  Monday morning she would wake up early and ask us whether the Bunny has arrived…We would tell her she has to have breakfast first… then we told her to keep an eye out for the Easter Bunny….    Our friends would arrive with their little ones who, for once, would be as good as gold.  The Daddy’s would walk Vic and the other little ones around the block whilst the Mommies’ would hide the Easter eggs. 

A daddy would proclaim “Oh I think I just saw the bunny!” and the dash for home would start!  To the great disappointment of the little ones the daddy’s were always too slow and all they ever found was a trail of Easter eggs.  When the children were young the eggs were just the marshmallow type.  As our cash flows improved the marshmallow Easter eggs improved to hollow chocolate types.

I would start buying Easter Eggs almost immediately after the Valentine’s shelves were emptied and restocked with Easter Eggs.

IMG_0059

Sadly we got to a stage when Vic was too old for the hunt.  Vic no longer believed in the Easter Bunny but humoured me, or rather discovered the advantage of humoring me.  Marlene, my BFF, and I made massive hollow chocolate Easter Eggs, and not even Vic was able to eat her whole egg… We toasted Hot Cross buns and ate far too many Easter eggs.  Easter remained a special  time of the year.

Then we had our first grandchild and the game was back on!  Vic LOVED Easter.  (Actually, to be honest, Vic loved any gathering whether it be friends or family, but she especially loved Easter!)

I will never forget our first grandchild Easter Hunt.  Vic was so excited that her baby would have his first Easter Egg Hunt.

A radiant Easter Bunny hiding Easter Eggs...
A radiant Easter Bunny hiding Easter Eggs…

Colin and Danie started walking Jared whilst Vic, and I hid the Easter Eggs.  The poor baby could never eat all the eggs and I ended up taking bag loads to AIDS homes.  Then grandchild two and three arrived, and the game was truly on.

Over the years we developed a wonderful system where the little ones would collect the eggs and Vic would divide it equally between all the children.  At a certain stage I decided to cut down on the chocolate and bought the kids pyjamas and less eggs….Well I suppose I tried to cut down but wasn’t too successful.  The thought was noble.

Vic Easter Monday 2012 - her last Easter...
Vic Easter Monday 2012 – her last Easter…

Even though Vic’s boys have been too old for an Easter Egg Hunt for several years, they have enjoyed the thrill of helping the younger cuzzies look for the bunny and the eggs.  Aunt Vic never stopped sharing the Easter eggs amongst the kids.

Last Easter the two Cape Town girls were with us for the first time.  I loved their joy.  I missed the three little ones who live in the UK.  Vic had a good day.

This year will be the first year in 16 years that we will not have an Easter Egg hunt.

I still have the Lindt bunny Vic bought me last year.

I knew it would be our last Easter.

An empty bottle of coffee


Vic's favorite beverage
Vic’s favorite beverage

2 months, 6 days or rather 65 days totalling 93,600 minutes or 1560 hours since Vic died…. Each minute feels like a lifetime of misery.

Every minute that passes pushes me further down into this horrible well of misery and despair.

Vic was an absolute coffee addict.  She would systematically drink her way through a 200g bottle of Jacob Kronung coffee per week. Vic drank a minimum of least 15 cups of coffee every day of her life.  Vic stopped drinking coffee just before Christmas.  It made her ill. She starting drinking Energade – naartjie flavour.  For the last month of her life it was all she drank.

Well, Vic’s last bottle of coffee is almost finished…I am dreading anyone asking for coffee…I want the coffee to last.  It is a link to my child.  How stupid does this sound??  Stupid or not it is the way I feel.  I have an unused bottle of coffee in the pantry.  I am weeping because of an almost empty bottle of coffee!

At night I lie on my sofa in my TV lounge waiting for her to either BBM or shuffle down the passage… “Could I please have some coffee Mommy?” I have cried myself into oblivion this weekend.  Danie is in Cape Town and the boys are with their Dad.  It is safe to cry.

The nights are so long without our chats.

 

 

 

I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!


IMG_8481I am a mess.  I have cried myself to sleep every night this past week.  I tear up without reason.

I have this indescribable longing to see my child, hold her and be with her.  I went onto Vic’s Facebook and went through all her photos.  Most of the photos on her FB are “tagged” photos of mine.  I went through the photos and “spoke” to Vic.  I remembered the wonderful mother and daughter that she was.  I looked at her journey, the amount of photos where she is in bed with the boys lying with her.  The sad thing is that it is truly only the tip of the iceberg.

I found this note on her FB that I had never seen before.   Vic posted this 3 days before my dad died.

17 May 2011 at 23:37

Today Hospice came to access my Grandfather… They dripped him & made him comfortable. He has lost his swallowing reflex, sleeps most of the day, is completely bedridden & can barely talk… The suddenness of his deterioration is very difficult to comprehend. Please could you all say a big prayer for my Gramps and especially my Mom, who lost her best friend of 25 years, age 51 due to a heart attack last Tues. My Mother is one of the strongest, bravest people I know.. How do we say goodbye, how do I take my Boys to say their Goodbyes tomorrow, how do we accept that this incredible man has such little time left regardless of the fact that we all know that its best for him. How can I be strong for my babies when my heart breaks all over again, every day when I see him… Especially my Eunice Friends, you will all remember how desperately my Gramps and Gran loved and spoilt me and how VERY MUCH they meant to me… I don’t want to live without him even though I realise that is extremely selfish, but I love my Grandfather so desperately, It’s not fair… All I ask for is compassion… Compassion for Gramps and my Mother… Thank you to everyone for all your love & support through everything… Love Vic.

Vic and her Gramps
Vic and her Gramps

I understood Vic’s agony of saying goodbye to us better… I have doubted our decision to sedate her during the last few days of her life… Reading this today I was filled with gratitude that we did.  I remembered her emotional agony when her friends left after a visit…  I remember her clinging to Danie and crying “Don’t leave me daddy.  I am scared…”  I am grateful that she gently slipped away without knowing or fearing what lies beyond…

I wonder whether she is around us?  I wonder if she is peaceful and happy?  I wonder if she misses us as desperately as we miss her.

Mothersday 2012
Mothersday 2012

Yesterday a friend of mine celebrated her 60th birthday.  Her daughter posted a beautiful letter on her FB page.  Tears started trickling down my cheeks.  I will never receive another birthday card or wish from Vic.  I will never celebrate another Mother’s Day with Vic and neither will her boys!!

Mothersday 2005
Mothersday 2005

Oh dear God will this agony every stop?

I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!!!!!!”

 

I love you Angel Child


100_7810
Vic and her boys on her 38th birthday

I am at a stage where it feels as if it is impossible to recover from the pain of losing Vic.  I am told that the grief will gradually get better and become less intense as time goes by.

The first few days after Vic died was so intense.  Family and friends cried, and we comforted one another.  The house was busy with people coming and going.  The planning that goes into a funeral and the writing of the eulogy took a lot of time.  My grief was raw and incredibly intense.  My heart physically ached.  I experienced feelings of anxiety, panic, sadness, and helplessness. Yet it is actually a surreal feeling… it felt as if we were removed from the world.  It felt as if I looked in from the outside.  I heard myself speaking and reacting mechanically…Old school friends phoned and I rushed to get through their words of condolences so I could ask them about their lives.  I did not want to discuss Vic’s death.   They must have thought I was crazy.

People said “you are so strong…”

When a loved one dies at home I think it is harder afterwards…There is a “mystique” to the room of death.  The smell of death lingers and the room is littered with medication, blood pressure equipment, thermometers and syringe containers.  Bedpans and vomit-dishes are still in the bathroom…

The planning of Vic’s memorial service actually helped me get through the first days after her death.  Friends and family spend time with us talking and sharing memories about Vic.

Many times, people show their emotions during this time of ritual.   Overwhelmed by Vic’s death we actually did not show emotion right away — even though the loss was very hard.   We stood amongst our friends and family at the reception after the memorial service smiling and talking.  To the world it must have appeared as if we were strong and accepting of Vic’s death. Being among other mourners was a comfort; it sort of reminded us that some things will stay the same.

But the time came when the far-away family left, friends went back to their lives and the steady flow of visitors stopped.  In a way it was a relief.  We were forced to stop and come to terms with the reality of the situation….the pain of the loss and the enormity of our grief.

Within a week we were back at work and school.  People were and still are wary of us – they do not know how to handle our grief.  We quickly learnt that other people are not interested in our grieving process…We stopped talking about Vic’s death…But although we no longer continuously talk about our loss, the grieving process not only continues but intensifies.

It’s natural to continue to have feelings and questions for a while after someone dies. It’s also natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot depends on how your loss affects your life. It’s OK to feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending on how close you were to the person who died.  I was told yesterday by someone who truly loved Vic that Vic’s death is only a reality when they are in our home.  When they leave it almost becomes a distant memory….

The loss of a child is different to the loss of a parent.  The boys’ grief is different to my grief…   I will go further and say that the grief of a teen is different to the grief of an adult child who lost his aged parent.

Vic’s death has been a devastating, distressing experience in the life of the boys. Although the boys have spent the majority of their lives in our home their sense of security and stability in the world has been turned upside down. Vic’s death has become the defining event in the boys lives. The boys have begun to define their lives into two categories: “before Mom died” or “after Mom died.”

The boys and I have experienced a sense of relief, ambivalence; guilt and regret after Vic’s passing. The boys have categorically expressed their sense of relief that Vic’s intense suffering and pain is over. I prayed for Vic to die.  This sense of relief has however brought on more guilt!

Jon-Daniel was the first of the boys who had to cope with the realization that Vic would not be around to celebrate rites of passage;  Vic slipped into a coma the day Jon-Daniel received his school’s honours award for academic achievement…..

The boys are battling to cope with Vic’s death.  Their grief is intensifying.

On the 8th of April they will meet the Hospice Psychologist.  On the 25th we are flying down to Cape Town for 13 days.  We need a change of scenery.  We need to grieve without being told to “let Vic rest…”

I make a point of telling them that I miss their Mommy too.  They light candles for Vic.  I cry in my pillow.

I know that the boys will eventually move on.  It is the way it is – children bury their parents.  It is normal.  But a parent should never have to bury their child…

For 38 years my beautiful child was the centre of my life.  I lived for her.  Now I merely exist.

I hear her say “Mommy I love you” and I whisper “I love you more than life angel child…”

I will not close down my blog


559940_412504292172338_2020785244_nThis is a very emotional time in all our lives.  It is 8 weeks and 2 days since Vic died.  We have all lived on our nerves for a long time and although we thought it would be a relief that Vic’s suffering was over, the grief has been overwhelming.  Not only for the boys and I but also others that loved Vic…

I know the family is concerned about me.  I know their concern stems from love.

I however need to blog.  I need to hear from other bereaved parents that I am not going mad.  That my grief is normal and that it is okay to grieve for my beautiful child.

I have subscribed to several blogs or sites for bereaved parents and it is not working for me.  It is other parents words.

I will however borrow these words from another grieving parent

Dear Clueless

I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am. 

When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter. 

If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk ad say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear his name anytime. You not saying his name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to him. So by all means say his name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.

This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you. 

Love, Your Friend in Grief  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Whispers-from-Heaven/604565892890783

So, if you are going to read my blog read it through my eyes and see my heart.  If you are unable to handle the rawness of my words know that you are reading my soul.  Remember that I don’t easily verbalize my emotions and this blog is my coping mechanism.

I have found hundreds of notes and journal entries in a file called “Our Story.”  Vic loved my blog and wanted me to share “Our Story”.  It was her wish.  I will continue to do so.

So, love me in my time of sorrow and allow me to cope whichever way I can….  I love you too and appreciate your caring.

 

“I’ll meet you at the end of the earth”


Vic and some of her highschool friends
Vic and some of her highschool friends

I am systematically packing up Vic’s belongings.  It has been a humongous job!  Vic was a squirrel – she hoarded! I have discarded hundreds of old VCR tapes….thousands of photos and many hundreds of cards.  The “Good luck with exam cards” were totally wasted on Vic – I came across her school reports again…; get better cards, I love you cards and thank you for your friendship cards from her school friends; lots and lots of Valentine cards… The one card that got to me was a card that read:-

“To My Daughter

So many times

When you were a child,

I looked upon your

Sleeping face

And wondered

What kind of woman

You’d grow up to be?”

Then on the inside of the card it reads “You grew up as wonderful as I imagined” Today I can categorically state that was not true.  Vic grew up to be a far more wonderful person than I could ever have imagined. Vic was kind and generous.  Vic always smiled.  Vic loved unconditionally and never judged.  Vic was devoid of bitterness and hate.  She never spoke unkind words.  Her bravery goes without saying… Vic is the bravest person I know.  Vic always said “I am fine thank you…”  The shrillness of the “fine” was the “stress-indicator” of how ill she was.

The cards her school friends wrote were to thank her for her friendship and support.  Gia wrote on the 26th of March – year unknown: “This is just a short note to say thanks for all your help, attention, help and love while I’ve been under the weather…” On the 28th of October 1991 Tatum wrote “You’re a great friend and I am dreading this time next year when we all have to say goodbye.  Thank you for being you and putting up with me…”  Monique wrote “Thanx for everything.  You know what everything is.” One of the Vicky’s wrote “as friends we have walked together sharing joy, laughter and tears.  Though time may pass and things may change, I’m sure you’ll agree, That one thing always stays the same…each other’s loyalty” Mouse wrote “Vicks thank you for willingly giving help – be it a smile or a thoughtful thought – It may go unnoticed but it is appreciated” Gia ended most of her notes, cards and letters with “I’ll meet you at the end of the earth”

Vic is 2nd from the left in the back row.

I truly felt like a grave robber going through Vic’s private correspondence.  I cannot keep it all – there is just too much and I did not want to discard her whole life.  So I have made a memory box of all her school dance invitations and photos, her friends’ notes, some boyfriends’ letters and her theatre season tickets.  I have added some of the hundreds of cards I sent her over the years.  Yes…Vic kept them all!!!!

How can I just wipe out her lifetimes memories?  Vic treasured these items and I will keep it safely for her grandchildren to see one day… This memory box is her memory box.  A tribute by her friends… It was an experience to “see” Vic in high school.  Vic insisted on going to boarding school in High School, and she was accepted at one of the most prestigious girl schools in South Africa.  Vic LOVED the freedom and camaraderie of boarding school.  She got up to a lot of mischief!  I have now personally seen the photos of what the girls got up too…   But I am so glad.

I have come to realise that I never truly allowed Vic to grow up.  I was an over protective mother and quite honestly maybe even a little overbearing.  Vic always remained a child.  Albeit a mature child and an old soul but never the less a child. From the day my beautiful baby girl was born I knew I had to protect her from the world.  She was too tiny and beautiful for this horrible world we live in.  Now my beautiful baby girl is safe from pain, hurt and the ugliness of the world.

Tony’s poem


This poem was written by Tony Doiron.  I assume from the words that Tony lost a child too…  This poem really got to me.  My child was just older and could walk, talk and count…  Thank you for your beautiful words Tony.

You were lying in my arms,
As I tried to say goodbye,
“It is for the best”, they said,
And I knew that was true.

I gazed at your little hands,
Given to us that day,
You wouldn’t feel pain again,
But I wanted you to stay.

You fought for every breath you took,
Never letting go,
Until one day God made you His,
Leaving all of us below.

Although you couldn’t walk or talk,
Or even count to ten,
Your short life had more impact,
Than a hundred million men.

-Daddy
(written by Tony Doiron)

Drowning in grief


Photo Credit: http://favim.com/image/112419/
Photo Credit: http://favim.com/image/112419/

Today it is exactly six weeks since my precious child died.  It has been such a rollercoaster ride.

I have gone from feeling numb and “accepting” to the deepest pit of despair and sorrow.  I have gone back to working and trying to live a “normal” life again.  I have laughed and cried.  I have learnt to keep my sorrow to myself.

I have however had days this week where the sadness overwhelmed me.  I have felt that I am drowning in it.  The house is empty.  I miss Vic’s smile.  I miss her hugs. I miss our chats and text messages.  I miss her smell and touch.  I miss my daughter and friend.

It is a mere 6 weeks, and I don’t know whether I will ever heal.  I know it is early days, but I also know my heart.

Judy Unger sent me these words and today I am posting it because it articulates  EXACTLY how I felt this past week.  Thank you Judy!  It is as if the realization of Vic’s death only hit home this week….

I MISS MY CHILD!!!!!!!!

MY TEARS FILLED AN OCEAN
Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger
When you died my tears filled an ocean
I was violently submerged, gasping and barely able to stand the shock
Swirling in a raging current, a current of time
I was paralyzed and choking, wanting to drown, but unable to sink
The current dragged me along. It seemed endless . . .
Soon all my energy was gone. Anger at my fate depleted me further
I was going to somewhere unknown. The journey was filled with horror
I tried not to look while fighting to escape from the endless drift
Exhaustion led to floating. The current kept moving
Fighting it was useless; there was no going back to where I began…