Month: April 2013

Perserverance


At times over the past year or so I have felt exactly as Dennis Mchale has so beautifully articulated in this poem.  Blind, directionless and alone.

Thank you Dennis for sharing you gift with the world.

Dennis McHale's avatarThe Winter Bites My Bones

perserverence7

 

Awoke today to nothingness, and no sense of direction
I looked upon the looking-glass which offered no reflection
Without much aim, I stumbled forth, devoid of my complexion
And set my way in this darkened day, begun in such rejection.

Aimlessly, I persevered, despite my lack of vision
Offered up my hopelessness as an object for derision
Stepped forth into my wandering, so filled with indecision
But felt somehow, that even now, this was the best decision.

Sightless and in full confusion, one foot before another
I wandered forth upon my course, each turn unlike the other
I cried out for a helping hand, I cried out for a brother
With breathless yelp, I screamed, “please help” but my words were quickly smothered.

I turned about and struggled home, afraid and full defeated
And not one time upon the path, ever was I greeted
Yet even so in time…

View original post 15 more words

3 Months Ago


Every day I go to Vic’s Facebook page to see whether someone remembered her… I leave her messages… Today at 14:18 I dialled her mobile number out of habit.

Exactly three months ago I knew my child’s life had been reduced to hours…I knew that her little body could no longer fight whatever infection was raging in it.  Her temperature was off the chart… the thermometer only registers temperatures up to 106 °F (41.5 °C) and then goes onto “HI”.

It was this time, three months ago, that Vic’s breathing changed.  Three months ago it was Vic’s last night of breathing.

Earlier that day I fell asleep next to Vic – my hand on the pulse in her neck.  I was so exhausted I could not think or function.  I just needed to be with her every second of her last hours.

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The boys came to say their goodbyes…

I no longer allowed visitors.

I remember lying next to her recalling a discussion we had when I had flu and was running a fever.  I am a terrible patient.  I am such a ninny.  I remembered saying to Vic “Sweetie, when I am dying please don’t let people touch me…”

“I won’t” she promised.  “My skin also hurts when I am running a fever…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?  It must irritate you when I stroke your hand or hair when you are sick?”

“Because I know you need to touch and hold me when I am sick…” she said.

“I will never to it again.  So next time you are running a fever know I want to hold your hand and stroke your hair…”

“It’s okay Mommy.  You can hold my hand.  I don’t mind.  It hurts but makes me feel better…”

“That’s an oxymoron if I have ever heard one in my life!” I laughed and Vic joined in

That night, three months ago, there was no idle chatter or laughter in the house.  Just the sound of Vic’s breathing.

Tonight, three months later, everyone has gone to bed.  There is no sound of laughter or idle chatter in the house.  Earlier tonight there was.

I keep imaging that I am hearing Vic’s footsteps shuffling down the passage. The boys have lit extra candles for their mom.  I know that they are sad.

I am aware that the dynamics of my grief is changing.  I am starting to function, smile and look “alive”.  The numbness has gone.  The pain is real now.  My sadness is constant.  I go to sleep with tears in my eyes and wake up with tears running into my hair.  My grief has become “mine”.  It has become a constant companion.  I do not want to share it.  I want to embrace it.

I know there is so much to be grateful for, I know I wanted Vic’s suffering to end, I am grateful that she is no longer fracturing vertebrae from vomiting, crying with pain… I KNOW all of this on an intellectual level.  I try to tell my heart to be happy or at least grateful, but my heart won’t listen!

I don’t want to sleep tonight.  I want to lie awake and remember my beautiful baby girl, her warm smile, her tiny little hands and her pure soul.  If I fall asleep I pray that I will dream of my baby girl…

BEST MOMENT AWARD

BEST MOMENT AWARD

I would like to thank my dear friend Shaun, at prayingforoneday for this award. He ia an amazing person with a big heart and always ready to support and encourage.  Shaun suffers from Chronic Pain and despite living in debilitating pain, continues to be a source of support and encouragement for a great many of us. 

best moment award 

 

Awarding the people who live in the moment,
the noble who write and capture the best in life,
the bold who reminded us what really mattered –
Savouring the experience of quality time.

 

RULES:

  1. Winners re-post this completely, with their acceptance speech. That could be written down or video recorded.
  2. Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW list of people, blogs worthy of the award, and winners notify them the great news.
  3. What makes a good acceptance speech?

Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way.

Humour-Keep us entertained and smiling.

Inspiration – Make your story touch our lives.

Get an idea from the great acceptance speech, compiled in MomentMatters.com/speech

  1. Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

 

My Acceptance:

I started blogging as a coping mechanism just after the doctors told us they could do nothing for Vic and my brave child decided “no more surgeries…”  I blogged Vic’s quest to die with dignity.  I now blog about my all-consuming grief and sense of loss.

As a child I changed schools 12 times in total.  Academically I coped by I did not cope with the emotional side of it.

I allow very few people close to me.  I find it hard to form bonds with people.  I always expect them to leave my live – I don’t think I suffer from Rejection issues – just separation issues.   It is easier to keep people at bay – If I don’t rely on people they cannot disappoint or hurt me.

On WordPress I found a safe world.  A world where people care and support.  If they leave, as many have, it is okay because they are faceless.  Yet there are people that have never wavered in their support and encouragement.

I have received a number of awards lately that I am busy accepting.  If you are not nominated here please just check my next posts.  I am taking my time because I truly want to acknowledge my blogging friends and their contribution in my journey.  I will nominate my friends in no particular or of importance…

Shaun, thank you again for this award,

My nominees are compassionate, caring people who all suffer their own pain and loss.  Please visit their blogs and I promise you will find goodness and bravery there!

Thank you all for allowing me to heal here.

Vic, this award is for you my precious, beautiful, brave baby girl.  I love you Angel Child!

The 15 people I award:

1.    UntraveledRoads

Jane is a wonderful blogger who writes about living through pain.

She so eloquently writes   “Not writing about how to grasp joy – just about trying to find joy through the labyrinth of pain. Because if I don’t keep joy in my sights, I will drown. It is about the space – like a sunlit meadow – beyond pain that one can reach – or grasp – or glimpse. A place of peace while pain drums in the background. Why try? Because if I do not, what is the point at all?

OK. So I don’t want to write about pain. I live with it. But it has been such an extraordinary journey with such unexpected bonuses that I must write about the plus side – the up side, the fun, humour and bittersweet of living with pain. The irony is that I don’t want it, but I wouldn’t return what I have learnt through it.”

I hope you accept this award!

2  http://grannyscolorful.wordpress.com/  Gloria lost her son, Tommy, when he collapsed at the beach (Myrtle Beach, S.C.) whilst playing with his little son, Taban.  He died with little Taban near him.  Tommy had 2 blockages in his heart that no one was aware of.

Gloria writes about her precious son Tommy and her grief.  Gloria has become a friend and has been such a source of encouragement and understanding.  Gloria has 1236 followers and yet she finds the time to read my blog and comment on my blog.  Thank you so much for caring!!  You are an amazing person!

Gloria recently published her book.  Good luck with the book dear Gloria.

3 http://thresholdofheaven.com/

Peter Wiebe has closed down his blog.  Yet I am compelled to nominate Peter for this award.

Peter wrote:  “My name is Peter Wiebe. I am a husband and father of 4 boys-the oldest of which has gone ahead of us to Heaven after a courageous battle with cancer at the age of 10. I am a Christian and thus write from a Christian perspective. Although my faith was/is being severely tested by the loss of my firstborn son, my hope lies in Jesus Christ and all that the Bible teaches regarding Him, His death and resurrection, and our future hope of glory with Him. This blog is a journey through grief, about cultivating an eternal mindset in a temporary world, about all things related to faith, and life after death. I dedicate this blog to Jesse’s memory and hope that its contents will draw others nearer to God.”

I once wrote to Peter “I envy you your faith and peace.” Peter prays for me and I am so grateful for that.  How do I know?  I know because he still visits my blog and continues to encourage and support me.  Peter has become a wonderful cyber friend.  I am grateful for the healing that he found.  Thank you Peter!

4.  http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com

Shirley is a brave mother fighting for justice after the suspicious death of her beloved son, Raymond.  She is fearless!  This lady is selflessly fighting for justice, not only for her son but for other innocent victims.

The reason for her blog is “Finding that one person who will step out to defend the innocent even when they are dead.  Help us tell Pennsylvania this needs an investigation, not just a cover-up. it is our sincere prayer to find the true cause of Ray’s death and help others who have experienced a similar crime.”

Shirley is a good cyber friend – always encouraging and supporting!  Thank you brave lady.  I pray that you will find closure and answers!!!

5.  http://thedrsays.org

 

Sandra is one of the bravest people I know.  She is dying from congenital heart failure.  She writes about her journey with terminal illness, impending death and her concern for leaving her husband Chris behind.  She is so like Vic!!  As brave, courageous, stubborn and loving!  Her blog fills me with so much sadness and yet it gives me an insight into Vic’s heart and mind.  I truly hope she will accept this award.  Sandra, thank-you for your love, support, advice and friendship.  You are one in a million!  I wish I could make the same difference in your life that you make in mine.

6. http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com 

Becky writes about her son, Jason (19), who died in a car accident.

In Becky’s own words:…. ”(Jason) A game player – chess (his absolute favorite), video games, volleyball, basketball,  board games. Intelligent – studying to be a computer engineer; tutored students in math. He gave great hugs and brightened up a room just by walking into it. A great young man; a wonderful son, brother, friend.

In a split second, he was gone and our lives were changed forever.

My goal for writing this blog is to promote understanding – for bereaved parents and for those around them. I do not claim to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes nor do I claim to speak as an expert on grief. I would not presume to know what anyone else is feeling nor what they are experiencing. Everyone is different; each situation is different; each grief and griever is unique. The only thing I know is what we experienced. But, if my speaking about what we went through can promote even a small degree of understanding, then I have accomplished what I set out to do.”

Thank you Becky for your kindness and support.  Thank you for your guidance and compassion.

7. http://johannisthinking.com –   This blog is filled with beautiful poetry.  The heart of this lovely blogger is contained in her own words “my heart bleeds with all those who lost their lives this day…and all who mourn their lost…WE can all do better…for the memory of all those who have died…let us try to BE our best selves always!”  Thank you for your friendship and support!  http://johannisthinking.com/category/poetry-solitude/

8. http://beebeesworld.wordpress.com – Beebee ia an advocate of Parent Heart Watch, an organization that promotes education on the prevention and care of those with heart issues.   Beebee’s 15 year old son died of a sudden heart attack whilst playing baseball. Beebee is a brave mother and has become a cyber-friend.  She writes beautifully and courageously.  Thank you BB for your kind words of encouragement.

9. http://forphilip.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/they-found-him-day-2-part-2/  Denise Smyth is the loving mother of two children, Philip and Natalie, who are (of course) the great loves of her life.

Denise writes “On February 23rd, 2012, I found out that my son, who had turned 21 the month before, died. It was sudden and unexpected. I was devastated, heartbroken, terrified, none of which comes close to describing what I really felt. It’s just the best I can do at the moment.”

Denise’s’ blog is a brave blog.  It is filled with raw emotion and unconditional love.

10. http://jmgoyder.com/  

Julie lives on a retired dairy farm in Western Australia with her “99.9% lovely, teenage son”.   Julie is a retired lecturer in English and Creative Writing at a local university.  Julie’s beloved husband Anthony has cancer, dementia and Parkinson’s disease.

Julie blog is a beautiful love story filled with her fears and anguish of seeing her Anthony slip deeper and deeper into another world.  Julie arranges wonderful outings for Anthony and includes their friends in his world.  I admire her that she is not trying to “hide” her husband from the cruel eyes of the world.  Her love is unconditional and inspiring.  She writes beautifully and has been a great source of comfort to me.  Thank you dear friend for sharing your love and pain with us. 

Thank you for your kindness and friendship.  You are a very special person.

11.  http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com

Andrew is the author of an e-book, Living with Cancer: A Journey,

This eBook captures his first three years of Lymphoma diagnosis, treatment, recovery, relapse, treatment, and again recovery. He keeps a daily personal journal to capture both the medical and personal things going on during this journey.  I find Andrew’s blog to be filled with not only facts but also his“journey”.  He is a very gifted writer.  Andrew has become a friend.  Thank you for your continued support Andrew!!

12.  http://behindthemaskofabuse.com  Zoe is a wonderfully gifted author who has had two books published on Amazon  “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”,  and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart”  Zoe has endured dreadful abuse, at every level, as a child.  Zoe is working so hard at healing…Zoe has 658 followers and receives lots of comments.  Yet, every day there is a “Hug” or “Like” message from her.  She has emailed me…Zoe, I appreciate your support and caring.  Thank you for taking the time to email me!

 

13.  http://doilooksick.wordpress.com/

Rachel referred to Vic as a “China Doll”…  How precious was that comment??   I was drawn to Rachel’s blog because she suffers from endometriosis.  Vic too suffered very badly from endometriosis… I recall the first time I read one of Rachel’s posts she wrote about the searing pain of endometriosis.  I was able to understand Vic’s pain better from Rachel’s blog.  Rachel’s blog is about music – as a coping mechanisme.  There are real good songs to listen to on this blog.

 

14.  http://tothatplace.wordpress.com/

Aarthi  dedicated  another beautiful poem to Vic and I –http://tothatplace.wordpress.com/2013/04/13/we-were-one/  Aarthi is one of my favourite poets and Vic and I enjoyed her work immensely.  Aarthi has become a compassionate friend.  Please visit Aarthi’s site (linked above) and read the beautiful poem honouring Vic.  Thank you Aarthi for your love, compassion, friendship and sharing your gift!!!  Thank you for bringing joy to Vic’s life when she found very little joy in living anymore.

15.   http://grammarofgrief.wordpress.com – Una

I am unable to articulate words for Una’s blog so I will use her own:  “When you’re stuck in the quicksand of grief, coming unstuck takes time, tenderness and a loving tribe. You’re feverishly seeking answers. What will help fix the plumbing of my leaky tear ducts? Will I ever feel normal again? How many weeks or months will it take for this awful, gut-wrenching pain to go away?

The Grammar of Grief is where I attempt to unscramble the craziness of grief for you. It is a resource for both the grieving and those who need tips and tools to support loved ones who are mourning. This is both your safe space and how-to resource. There’s room for everyone.”

Una has been a source of great comfort to me.  Thank you Una!

16. http://myjourneysinsight.com/

Judy Unger’s son, Jason, was born with a serious congenital heart defect called “Transposition of the Great Vessels.” As with most heart defects, his was “one of a kind.” Jason had surgery when he was two and a half months old. He had another one when he was five. He died following that surgery.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I addressed my grief for years and years after my son’s death.  Eighteen years later Judy finds it painful to write how it felt to have her beloved son’s soul amputated from her heart and body.

Judy writes beautiful songs and dedicated two songs to Vic:- “I know that soon you will leave” and “Never gone away”  http://myjourneysinsight.com/2012/12/20/how-will-i-ever-say-goodbye/  Judy is an incredibly gifted illustrationist.  She writes beautiful words and songs!  She has held my hand throughout Vic’s journey and now mine.  Thank you dearest Judy for your love, support and compassion.  One day we will meet!!

Lots of love and thanks to each and every one of you who has supported Vic and I in our journey.  She was grateful that I had found an “outlet” and support in Blogging!

Grief attack


Jared and his Mommy - 10 days before she died
Jared and his Mommy – 10 days before she died
I have sunk to a new low this weekend.  I had every intention to attend church this morning.  I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I must have had dreamt of Vic.  I knew that I could not handle the gentle arms and words of sympathy at church.
Maybe next weekend…
I would like to share this wonderful writing from a Facebook site – The Grieving Parent.  It articulates my feeling beautifully.
I had a grief attack yesterday and again this morning….

2 hours ago ·

  • After my daughter’s death, I learned that the first year’s grief doesn’t flow neatly from one stage to the next; it has multiple patterns, fluctuating cycles, lots of ups and downs. First-year grief will surprise you in many ways, but here are a few things you can expect.Expect sudden “grief attacks.”
     
    Practical matters demand attention in early grief when we are the most confused and least interested in things we used to care about. We must decide how to get through each new day. Some days, getting out of bed may take all the energy we have. Trips to everyday places like the grocery store feel so different. In my case, simple things like seeing my daughter’s favorite cereal on the store shelf brought immediate, excruciating pain.
    I call these unexpected reactions “grief attacks.” And unlike the response we would get if we had a heart attack while shopping, those around us don’t know what to do. We get good at hiding our pain, at postponing grieving for a more appropriate place, a better time.
     
    Expect exhaustion and disruption. Early grieving is perhaps the hardest work you will ever do. It is common to have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite and blood pressure, tense muscles that are susceptible to strains, a weakened immune system.Many bereaved parents return to work, school, or other activities feeling vulnerable, less confident about their capabilities, less able to concentrate, distracted by memories, and flooded with emotions that disrupt thinking. For others, work is the only place they are able to concentrate- focusing on tasks helps take their mind off their loss for awhile.
     
    Those around us may have unrealistic expectations as we return to work or school. When one mother whose only child had died returned to work, her supervisor greeted her by saying: “I’m sorry about your loss but I want to talk to you about improving your work performance.” Expect to be stunned by the ineptness, thoughtlessness, and discomfort of some people, and to be thrilled and deeply touched by the kindness and sensitivity of others. Sometimes those you expect to support you the most can’t or won’t meet your needs, while others you weren’t that close to before reach out unexpectedly.
     
    Expect ongoing “echoes.” We experience so many emotions after our child dies. We may feel relief that our child is no longer suffering, then feel guilty about being relieved. For a time we may be unable to feel much at all. While learning to live with the hole in our heart and fatigue in our body, other responsibilities beckon. We must file insurance claims, pay bills, write thank-you notes, decide what we want to do with our child’s possessions, and on and on.Just when we think everyone surely has heard of our loss by now, the reality of our child’s death echoes back to us. A call comes from the dentist’s office about scheduling her a checkup, or we run into our child’s old friend who just moved back to town. Once again we must tell our story, respond to someone else’s pain, experience fresh waves of grief. Knowing certain events are coming, such as seeing the grave marker or reading the death certificate or autopsy report, does not prevent us from hurting. These are tangible reminders of the reality of death, while part of us still hopes it’s all been just a bad dream.
     
    Our child’s death causes us to re-examine our beliefs about the Universe, God, and how the world works. Your faith and belief system may comfort and sustain you during the first year or you may feel angry and disconnected from it. Remember that it is okay to question. 
     
    You may be drawn to people who have experienced a loss like yours and can understand some of your feelings and questions. This is one reason many people in early grief find comfort in bereavement support groups. But remember that no one can ever totally understand your grief, your questions, and what your child means to you. Like all relationships, each person’s grief is unique and complex.During early grief, you may want to stay busy all the time, avoiding painful emotions and the exhausting work of grief, hoping time will heal you. There’s no set schedule and no recovery period for grief. But time alone does not heal- it’s what we do with the time that counts. Take the time you need to do your grief work. But also take time away from grieving to do things you enjoy, to rest and replenish yourself.
     
    When our child dies, our hoped-for future dies, too.
     
    Beginning in this first year, and continuing on from there, living with your loss means taking on new roles, new relationships, a new future- without forgetting your past. Sometimes, life takes surprising turns. 
     
    Before my daughter’s death, I never would have imagined I would become so involved in grief support. It wasn’t part of my “plan.” Confronted with loss, we can weave the strands of our past into a new, meaningful future we never would have planned to live. Doing so is a conscious choice.
     
    Getting through the first year of your grief is like winding a ball of string. You start with an end and wind and wind. Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of the work is undone, but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but never do you have to begin at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds; you’ve made some progress.
     
    My daughter’s spirit and our continuing bond of love gives me strength each day. May your child be there to help you during this painful first year, and in all the years to come.
    Jon-Daniel and his brave Mommy - January 2013
    Jon-Daniel and his brave Mommy – January 2013

Until we meet again


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We were one


24.12.2012
24.12.2012

I had my first counselling session with the Hospice psychologist.  It was terribly difficult and emotional.

So often when Vic and I chatted Vic would say “I am so worried about you Mommy…”

In November last year when Dr Sue, Vic’s palliative care physician, broke the news to Vic that her organs were failing Vic’s first words were “Oh Mommy, I am so worried about you – How will you cope?”

When our housekeeper went on leave late December, Vic said to her that they would not see one another again…that she was dying…. Vic asked our Betty to look after me because she was worried about me…

My standard answer to Vic was “I will be okay baby!” 

Vic would say “I know, but I worry about you.  Promise me you will see someone professional after I am gone?”

“I will be fine.  I will be grateful that your suffering is over…But I promise I will!”

I did not know what I was talking about when I said I would be fine… Vic knew me better than I know myself.  Nothing could have prepared me for the tsunami of grief that hit me, the void in my life…

So I walked into Alan’s office this morning.  I noticed the strategically placed box of tissues, the crumpled ones in the little wastebasket next to the chair…I crossed my mind that he only deals with grief.

We spoke briefly about the boys, but Alan firmly said that today we would focus on me… 

I bravely started talking without waiting to be prompted.  After all, that is why I was there.

“I knew that I would miss Vic after her death but nothing could prepare me for this” I said

“Vic was diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at 18 months.  The doctors said she would not live to be older than 12 years.”. 

I spoke clearly and succinctly about Vic’s medical history.  It was familiar territory.  I have share this information with many doctors, research centres, medical professionals… I spoke about Vic’s blotched back surgery and the devastating effect it had on the rest of her life.  I ranted about Drs S + V.  I articulated my hatred of them, my anger at their arrogance.

I spoke at length about how I fought doctors, tried to find solutions, cures… How I would not leave Vic’s side when she was in hospital or ICU.  I told him about the ventilator been switched off and Vic starting to breathe on her own again…

I sobbed my way through Vic’s uncontrolled pain; the doctors telling her that she was a morphine addict…The doctors refusing her adequate pain control post-surgery because of her so-called morphine addiction…

I battled to tell him of Vic’s incredible will to live – sobs wracked through my body.

I share with him my guilt at being the one who administered her sedation at the end of her life.  It took me a couple of minutes to get Vic’s final words of “Mommy, I love you…” out.

I saw Alan look at the clock on the wall.  I knew our time was almost up. 

He sat forward on his chair, his elbows on his knees.  His voice and eyes were gentle with compassion.

“Tersia, it is normal to grieve.  Vic has taken up all your time and energy for 38 years.  You never separated from her.  In your mind you were one…”

That is so true.  That is why I feel as if part of me has died.  Vic and I were so close.  She always remained my baby girl.  I never became Ma, Mom or anything but “Mommy”. 

On the 9th of October 2012 I posted these words

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/09/is-there-pain-after-death-post-2/

As a family we have lived with Vic’s pain and her excruciatingly slow journey towards death for the past eleven years.  For eleven years we have heard her scream with pain, moan with discomfort, we hold her hair back when she is doubled up over a toilet bowel, vomiting until she fractures a vertebrae.  We have nursed open wounds, changed colostomy bags…. We have watched our daughter and mother suffer the most horrendous symptoms.

So baby, if you read this post, know that we will miss you.  We don’t want you to leave us behind, but we want your suffering to end.  We will continue to love you until we are reunited one day.  You have to trust us that you will always be “my baby” and the boys’ mummy.  But know that we will be grateful when your little body is freed from its pain and suffering.  You will be at peace…  You will not suffer more pain after death.  We will mourn you, but we will also be at peace…  We will think of you and smile…

It is okay to let go my angel child.

Vic and I discussed this post… We cried then, and I cry now.

I pray that I will find peace.  

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT


PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT


This amazing hopeful post was written by Missmorgansmom…A grieving Mother who lost her daughter 5 days shy of 17 months ago to a drunken driver… When I first read her blog my heart stopped for a couple of seconds.  I knew that the grief that she was living would be mine soon.  
 
I recall thinking that it would be somewhat easier when Vic dies.  Missmorgansmom’s lost her precious daughter not through debilitating illness but through a drunken driver.  I knew that she had so much reason to bitter.  Her child’s life had not even started and I was praying for my child’s suffering to end…
 
When the raw despair and grief overwhelmed me after Vic’s death I thought “My grief and anger is as intense as Missmorgansmom’s… When the tears overwhelmed me I remembered this cyberfriend of mine…  It scared me that she remained in this cocoon of grief.  I recognize the journey of grief as I am embarking on it…I read it before…
 
Today was my first session with the psychiatrist at Hospice… I came out of it a wreck.  I cried and teared up the whole day filled with despair that I would never heal.
 
Then I received my email notification of Missmorgansmom’s “Perfectly Imperfect” post.  The title intrigued me because of the “IMPERFECT” part of it.  
 
The reference to finding “a place where I belong” hit home.  My blog is where I feel safe and understood.  I am not judged nor am I told to move on…I am encouraged, understood, loved here…
 
I belong to a horrible club of Bereaved Parents.
 
This post filled me with hope.  If Missmorgansmom can laugh more and cry a little less than I know one day I will too…
 
Thank you dear cyberfriend for giving me hope.

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

IMG_0697Grief is instrumental to the  metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although  no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents.  Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.

In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel  comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.

I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never  completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting  to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe  just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.

I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of  like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepare you for! So as  time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point you start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with  incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before  are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be  as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme  changing a career.  The metamorphous of grief  reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!


My Angel Child
My Angel Child
So many of my cyber friends have lost their children…these women and men have supported and guided me on my journey with Vic and held my hand in the early days of my grieving and heartache… They KNOW my pain.  I found this poem on a bereavement site and would like to share (and dedicate) it to all the angel moms and dads out there.  Thank you for your support, advice, encouragement and love.
 
My other cyber friends have done their best to understand and love – thank you all.  I appreciate your compassion and continued support.  I pray that you will never experience this pain.  I pray that you will never become Angel Parents…

Angel Moms

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,
But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,
They didn’t want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we’ll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,
We’ll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,
Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!

Judi Walker

http://www.muchloved.com/gateway/bereavement-poems-and-funeral-readings.htm

When you were small…


1a

When You Were Small

© Linda D. Cope
I often think of you
When you were very small.
You left your fingerprints
On almost every wall.

Back when you were growing up
They were such happy years.
How you would smile and make up games
I remember through my tears

Some day we will be together
In heaven up above.
But for now my little girl
I send you all my love.

June 2007

Source: Death Of Daughter Poem, When You Were Small http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-of-daughter-when-you-were-small#ixzz2QANSxWxV
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Mothers and daughters


Mothers and daughters.

Mothers and daughters


Vic proudly pregnant with Jon-Daniel
Vic proudly pregnant with Jon-Daniel

Oh God, I am drowning again.  I pray that I will go to bed tonight and never wake up.  I know it I stupid because it would kill the boys and cause others that love me so much pain, but I cannot face life without my child.

I was looking at posts on “The Grieving Parent”, a Bereavement Facebook page for parents (https://www.facebook.com/TheGrievingParent ) and it just made me feel so inadequate and weak.  Bereaved parents speak of the healing they have experienced….I don’t know whether I ever will heal.  Tonight, like yesterday and the 82 days before tonight, I fear that my life is over.

All parents love their children.  Some have a closer bond than others.  The mother /child relationship is the closest relationship anyone will ever find.  There is a bond between a mother and child that cannot be broken or destroyed.

Vic’s death cannot “remove” her from my life.  My love for her is never-ending and all-enduring.  For 9 months I nurtured her in my womb. For 38 years I nurtured her in life.  My life revolved around Vic.

Did we have a perfect relationship of never arguing, fighting or being angry with one another?  Hell no!!  We went through the different stages as all mothers and daughters do.

As a toddler and pre-teen Vic loved me with unshakeable conviction.  By the time she entered her teens we reached the stage where we disliked one another…  We always loved one another, but we certainly disliked one another at certain stages of our lives.  It was a tumultuous swing in our lives…

Vic was extremely headstrong!  She wanted to go to boarding school and that she did…She married early in life, against our wishes…Not because we disliked Colin but because she was too young.  Vic got married 6 months after her 21st birthday.  Six weeks later she fell pregnant against ALL doctors advice.  She had two children at the risk of losing her own life and passing on the Osteogenesis Imperfecta disease and/or gene.

Vic also refused to die.  Vic refused to be “sick”.  She got dressed into normal day-clothes every day of her life.  She refused to hand over the responsibility of her children’s upbringing to anyone regardless of how ill she was.

Vic did what she did when she wanted to.  If she believed in something she would defy anyone and everyone.  She was driven by her need to grow up and live her life to the full.  The relationship shift from child to adult was very difficult for me to accept.

Our relationship changed after Vic had the boys.  Maybe because then there was a greater level of understanding, by Vic, of the enormity of the responsibility that a mother has to her child…..

Vic was not a saint.  She was a difficult teenager and a fiercely independent young woman. Yet our mother-daughter relationship was ultimately fulfilling. I was certainly not the perfect mother.  I failed Vic on many levels.  We were so different that we found it difficult to understand one another’s choices and needs.

Despite conflicts and complicated emotions, Vic and I loved one another unconditionally.  We complemented one another perfectly.  Vic so often said “God knew what He was doing when He put us together….We are such a good team!”

I am grateful for the time we spent together.  I wish I had spent less time working and more time playing…I wish I had been less concerned about Vic’s financial care.  I wish I had been there when she took her first steps…I got the hospital time.  Her healthy time I spent working – playing catch-up for her hospital time… I wish Vic had grown up in a home with a mommy and a daddy…

In her later life Vic became a child again.  She was totally dependent upon me.  I did not have to “compete” with a spouse to take care of her.  In the final months of Vic’s life she had panic attacks when I was away from her.  In a weird, sick way my life was perfect.  My baby was home.  I could love and nurture her…

I wish we had more time…

Vic writing the boys final letters six days before her death.
Vic writing the boys final letters six days before her death.

In the final days of her life Vic cried “I want to live.  Mommy I don’t want to die… If only I could live for one more year…”

I would give everything I own; every second of my remaining life; everything I love and cherish for Vic to have lived just one more year.

Vic’s angel


Vic’s angel.

Vic’s angel


Wednesday I found another white feather floating in the sea…

Thursday we went to a famous wine farm, Spier.   Spier has bird and cheetah sanctuaries.  We wandered around and decided against the rather sophisticated meals served.  We decided to find a coffee shop or boutique restaurant – something quainter than the rather commercial option available.

We were fascinated by a beautiful falcon and even more magnificent looking owls.  Spier is a wonderful place to visit.

Tame falcon flying around at Spier
Tame falcon flying around at Spier

We left and decided to be adventurous and ignore the GPS.  We drove in an unknown direction on the lookout for something quaint.  We drove for two kilometres when we found an interesting sign…Aspidistra Nursery and Tea Garden.

We decided it sounded quaint enough.

It was the most amazing Tea Garden.  I expected fairies to jump out from the beautiful flowers.  Chimes merrily tinkled and chimed in the gentle breeze…

Fairy Garden
Fairy Garden
A bit of Heaven
A bit of Heaven

We had a delightful meal.  It was so peaceful we just sat and chatted.  WE spoke about how much Vic would have enjoyed the garden and how much we miss her.  We exchanged funny stories about Vic and decided to have desert.  I ordered the scones (Vic and my favourite).  The presentation of the scones was amazing!

My scones!
My scones!

“Mom would have loved this!” I said

A white feather floated down onto the table…

“You got your white feather Oumie!” Jared said.

I must be honest that when I started looking there were white feathers everywhere.  There were white pigeons sitting in the trees.

After our leisurely lunch we walked through the nursery part of Aspidistra and my wildest expectations were surpassed!  It was beautiful.  Plants and flowers were displayed in beautiful handcrafted containers; ribbons were swaying in the breeze.

Stellenbosch-20130404-01794 (2)

Then I saw it!  The perfect angel for Vic’s garden of remembrance!

It is a handmade, one of a kind, angel – just like my angel child.  Perfect – just like Vic!

Vic's angel...
Vic’s angel…

The angel is being couriered to our home next week.

I desperately miss my little girl.  I don’t want to be planning her Garden of Remembrance – I want to be planning our trip to Italy.  I want to be having a cup of coffee with my child not putting an almost empty bottle of coffee in a memory box.

I walked back into our home after a wonderful 12 day vacation in Cape Town and the grief overwhelmed me again.  The emptiness of the house truly got to me again today…

Will I ever feel happy again?  As I am typing I can hardly see the screen of my laptop.  I cannot stop the tears.

I cannot believe I ever thought it would be better for Vic to die… I cannot believe I have to face the rest of my life with this empty hole in my heart.  I cannot bear the sorrow.  I want to hold my little girl and hear her say “I love you Mommy”.

I want to see her smile when I say “I love you with all my heart Angel”