Selfless love


Albrecht_Dürer_-_Praying_Hands,_1508_-_Google_Art_Project

“Selfless love means to love regardless of your personal needs. You love whole heartedly without loving yourself, without any personal gain. It is the opposite of selfish love.” http://www.ask.com/question/meaning-of-selfless-love

We live in a world where we are encouraged to develop our own individuality. We are brought up in a competitive world.  The desire to “win” or “be superior” to others often dominate our lives and the lives of our children.

We subconsciously seek to gain “something” from situations and persons we encounter. Many people enter into relationships in order to fill the huge gap of longing to be whole. This desire-based motivation is the main obstacle to loving unconditionally.

When we evaluate and categorize everything through the filter of past experiences, we calculate love through feelings of attraction, aversion, or indifference, and our behavior reflects this.

In this process, we miss any possibility of true love.

When I read this amazing story about selfless love I felt I had to share it.  True and selfless love is rare…

Reposted from http://morningstoryanddilbert.wordpress.com/2013/08/13/2616/

Vintage Dilbert
August 13, 2003

Back in the fifteenth century, in a tiny village near Nuremberg, lived a family with eighteen children. Eighteen! In order merely to keep food on the table for this mob, the father and head of the household, a goldsmith by profession, worked almost eighteen hours a day at his trade and any other paying chore he could find in the neighborhood. Despite their seemingly hopeless condition, two of Albrecht Durer the Elder’s children had a dream. They both wanted to pursue their talent for art, but they knew full well that their father would never be financially able to send either of them to Nuremberg to study at the Academy.

After many long discussions at night in their crowded bed, the two boys finally worked out a pact. They would toss a coin. The loser would go down into the nearby mines and, with his earnings, support his brother while he attended the academy. Then, when that brother who won the toss completed his studies, in four years, he would support the other brother at the academy, either with sales of his artwork or, if necessary, also by laboring in the mines. They tossed a coin on a Sunday morning after church. Albrecht Durer won the toss and went off to Nuremberg.

Albert went down into the dangerous mines and, for the next four years, financed his brother, whose work at the academy was almost an immediate sensation. Albrecht’s etchings, his woodcuts, and his oils were far better than those of most of his professors, and by the time he graduated, he was beginning to earn considerable fees for his commissioned works.

When the young artist returned to his village, the Durer family held a festive dinner on their lawn to celebrate Albrecht’s triumphant homecoming. After a long and memorable meal, punctuated with music and laughter, Albrecht rose from his honored position at the head of the table to drink a toast to his beloved brother for the years of sacrifice that had enabled Albrecht to fulfill his ambition. His closing words were, “And now, Albert, blessed brother of mine, now it is your turn. Now you can go to Nuremberg to pursue your dream, and I will support you.”

All heads turned in eager expectation to the far end of the table where Albert sat, tears streaming down his pale face, shaking his lowered head from side to side while he sobbed and repeated over and over, “No … no … no … no.”

Finally, Albert rose and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He glanced down the long table at the faces he loved, and then, holding his hands close to his right cheek, he said softly, “No, brother. I cannot go to Nuremberg. It is too late for me. Look … look what four years in the mines have done to my hands! The bones in every finger have been smashed at least once, and lately I have been suffering from arthritis so badly in my right hand that I cannot even hold a glass to return your toast, much less make delicate lines on parchment or canvas with a pen or a brush. No, brother … for me it is too late.”

More than 450 years have passed. By now, Albrecht Durer’s hundreds of masterful portraits, pen and silver-point sketches, watercolors, charcoals, woodcuts, and copper engravings hang in every great museum in the world, but the odds are great that you, like most people, are familiar with only one of Albrecht Durer’s works. More than merely being familiar with it, you very well may have a reproduction hanging in your home or office.

One day, long ago, to pay homage to Albert for all that he had sacrificed, Albrecht Durer painstakingly drew his brother’s abused hands with palms together and thin fingers stretched skyward. He called his powerful drawing simply “Hands,” but the entire world almost immediately opened their hearts to his great masterpiece and renamed his tribute of love “The Praying Hands.”

 

A picture of the "Praying Hands" Can be found at:
 https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201402047003494&l=1d9c179e7e

 

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I wish you peace…


Peace is not the absence of trouble; it is the presence of God



You are strong… when you take your grief and teach it to smile.






You are brave… when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.






You are happy… when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.





You love… when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.






You are wise… when you know the limits of your wisdom.






You are true… when you admit there are times you fool yourself.





You are alive… when tomorrows hope means more to you than yesterday’s mistake.






You are growing… when you know that you are but not what you are becoming.






You are free… when you are in control of yourself but do not wish to control others.







You are honourable… when you find your honour is to honour others.





You are generous… when you can give as sweetly as you take.






You are humble… when you do not know how humble you are.






You are beautiful… when you don’t need a mirror to tell you.






You are rich… when you never need more than you have.







You are you… when you are at peace with who you are not.





I wish you peace, today, tomorrow and forever


New memories…


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Funny/scary faces...
Funny/scary faces…

Chaka’s Rock 2013

A Mother’s Love for her Sons


A year ago I posted this.  As I said in my previous post – Chaka’s 2012 is a separate story.  I am reposting the separate story…

I have been researching the effect of a mother’s illness on her children.  The boys are two beautiful, well-adjusted, honest and compassionate young men.  Vic’s illness has certainly deprived them of a childhood in the true sense of the word and prematurely matured them into compassionate, caring, young men far too early in life.  At the tender age of thirteen Jared was cooking for the family…  This must certainly have an effect on how the boys perceive relationships with people.

Now according to my research the boys have become what is called ‘parentified’ children. These children solve the problem of sick and inadequate parenting by taking care of their

parents. They in effect become     parents to their parents, giving to the sick parent what they need from the parent. Now the roles are reversed. This seemingly creative solution is unfortunately too self-sacrificing to be healthy in the long run.

“‘Parentified’ sons who take care of their sick mothers in order to cope with their inability to parent, struggle to suppress obvious needs for love and feelings of loss. They learn to work hard taking care of the needs of others and living off of the scraps that come in the form of reinforcements for their competence and reliability. Their needs for love are overlooked and overshadowed by everyone else’s needs.”  The boys, especially Jared, falls into this category 100%.  When his little girlfriend was hit in the eye by a hockey ball, he immediately went into caregiving mode,  At the time I thought it to be extremely unhealthy that he already has this caregiving character trait.  He used to always make the tea and offer to do so much around the house and for his Mom.

I have put a stop to this.  I pray it is not too late for the boys to adjust to a “normal” household…

It is however important for them to realize that death is a part of the circle of life and that it is not something dark and something to be feared but rather, if happening in a timely fashion, something that one can embrace. The boys appreciate and respect Vic as their mother.   Vic has raised her sons to be respectful.

“The power of a mother’s strength comes from her heart, from her unabashed, unconditional, and unwavering love for her child. There is, as J.K. Rowling wrote in her Harry Potter books, a magic in that love. No matter what happens, a mother is always there for her child. A mother’s love is never to be questioned, and – though she may not know it at first – neither is her strength.”

Vic literally rose from her deathbed to be there for Jared with his operation on Wednesday.  When my Mom died I related her final moments to someone jumping from a diving board into a deep pool, reaching the bottom and kicking to rise to the surface of the water for one more breath… only to sink again.  This is what Vic does.

Before Jared was wheeled into theatre he whispered into his mom’s ear.  She took his hand and said “I promise”.

Vic, drip in hand, walking with Jared to theater!

The surgeon said the operation would last two hours.  Vic dutifully went back to bed and rested.  One hour and forty-five minutes later she was, IV drip in hand, standing outside the theatre door, waiting for her son.  I begged her to at least sit on the chair, but she refused.  “Mommy, I promised Jared my face would be the first thing he sees when he comes out of theatre!”

It took a superhuman effort, but Vic’s love for her son drove her to keep her word.  It is true that no mother wants her child to suffer in any way, but life is unfair like that. So, we as mother’s do what we can to provide support, comfort, and protection. And we grow strong enough to bear their hurt as well as our own.  As Vic did.  As I do. Motherhood cuts deeply, brings you to your knees most days; but it also brings a strength that may surprise you.

The vicious cycle of anger truly rose to the occasions on Wednesday.  I got angry with Vic because she was not putting her health first!  I KNOW I would have done the same but it was terrible seeing my child do herself harm to be a Mother.  I want to wrap her in cotton so she would be spared that extra day…

Yesterday Vic said she doubted whether she would see the end of the year.  She is however adamant to be at Jared’s confirmation…one more goal…

Go Girl!!!

Well, Vic is home.  I am so grateful.  She is conceding that she is too sore and ill to go to hospital…Saturday Jared comes home!!

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Chaka’s Rock and bittersweet memories….


Chaka’s Rock is a quaint coastal town on the North Coast of Kwa Zulu Natal.

We have come to Chaka’s for the past 22 years.  Vic loved Chaka’s with a passion and always said that she started missing Chaka’s from the second we packed up until we set foot here the following year.

Vic and her boys 2005

Through every possible circumstance Vic made her way to Chaka’s – with the exception of 2012.  Last year she said “Mommy, I am not going to make it to Chaka’s this year…”

2007
2007

chakas jd

In 2007 Vic had 18 abdominal surgeries.  She developed septicaemia and contracted every superbug in the book.  She was on life support on more than one occasion.  Her kidneys and lungs failed.  Vic developed an intestinal fistula.  It was a high output fistula and she lost up to 7 litres of fecal matter through the fistula daily.  The poor poppet walked around with a machine that acted as a “catchment” for the fecal matter.  Vic was on TPN (Total Parental Nutrition) and not allowed to eat anything.  Her stomach had a gaping wound with fecal matter pouring out of a hole in the intestine.

Vic spent the majority of the year in hospital and reached a stage where she appeared to be like a “lamb being led to slaughter”.  It was such a concern to us that she appeared to have lost her will to live.

Vic at Chaka's Rock - getting ready to have TPN line changed.
Vic at Chaka’s Rock – getting ready to have TPN line changed.
Chaka 2007
Vic in the lounge of the chalet.

It was such a tough decision to make whether we should discharge Vic from hospital to make the trip or not.  The doctors had different views on whether we should go or not.  Two of them felt it would be emotionally uplifting for her to go and a third thought we were “absolutely nuts!”  I am so grateful that we decided to go ahead with our annual pilgrimage, as Vic was able to spend such precious time with us.  Even the bad weather worked in our favour and we spend wonderful days playing Bingo and Trivial Pursuit.

It was extremely difficult to manage Vic’s health in accommodation other than a hospital.  Changing the TPN was a sterile procedure.

On Friday morning, the 29th of June 2007, Vic collapsed was admitted to the ICU at the Albert Luthuli Hospital in Chaka’s Rock.  Vic was transferred back to the Donald Gordon Hospital by ambulance on the Saturday afternoon. 

In a “Get better soon” card that her boys wrote her after our little holiday they thanked her for the most wonderful holiday ever!  Certainly, we had had “better” holidays in our lives but the time that we spent together was so precious.

Vic was only released from the Intensive Care Unit of the Donald Gordon Hospital on the 23rd of July 2007.

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In 2010 I only spent a weekend in Chaka’s with Vic and the boys as I had to fly to the Middle East on business.  .  Lee drove the boys back and Vic flew home.  This is an excerpt out of an email Vic sent me…

“Hi Mommy, boys are great… We had such a great evening last and day today… Jared had Tyron over to visit. We all miss Mommy already!!!! We really hope it goes well there!!! We are all holding thumbs and saying big prayers… Battling with the authorisation for the pain Infusion still. I think I broke another vertebrae on the flight back from Chaka’s. We had a bumpy landing and I am battling to breathe from the pain… I think it’s two above the last fracture.  Can’t believe how much I miss Mommy already.                                    We are all trying to think up a name for Gramps’ new puppy… J-D is still sulking, because I won’t carry her around like Gramp’s does. Can you believe it? Jared said that when we were all in Chaka’s, she didn’t need legs as Gramps’ just carries her everywhere. And I don’t know what she was eating at Moms’ but I know it wasn’t her food, she refuses to eat it, she was so spoilt Jared reckons she lived on sweets and Gramps’ food…                          I wish we were all still in Chaka’s, it was really great to spend the time with Mommy…

chaka 3

Vic in 2012…well, that is a different post….

Happy Father’s Day…


When I started thinking about Father’s Day this year I just became so depressed.  I felt that I don’t have any reason to celebrate Father’s Day tomorrow.  Today, I was going through Vic’s photos when I realized that it is not true!

My Dad died on the 21st of May 2011 and Vic’s father died on the 5th of November 1999.

Vic and her Gramps 1.4.2011
Vic and her Gramps 1.4.2011

I was single for most of Vic’s young life.  For most of her little life my Dad was her Dad.  Her Gramps taught her how to play cards and have a night cap….When Gramps had a nightcap he had to mix her a “drink” that had the exact same colouring as his…  They adored one another.

Just about the only thing my dad never forgot was that Vic was ill.  He could not remember my name, but he remembered Vic was ill.  He forgot whether she was in hospital or not but knew she was ill… My Dad was the greatest father in the world.  He not only loved his family but cherished us all.

I grew up in a home with a sickly mother.  A childhood back injury lead to many years of suffering and a vicious cycle of back surgery, stomach surgery, back surgery, stomach surgery….  My parents taught us that “love” was a verb – love is an action.  We lived 1 Corinthians 13 in our home.  We were taught to love, honour and respect. My father was the perfect example of what a husband and father should be.

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In my single years I received a couple of proposals.  My mom pressured me – she really wanted me to remarry…  I always said I will remarry when I meet a man like my Dad.  And then I did…

From the day we were married Vic called Danie “Daddy”.  Danie’s four children were her siblings.

Danie was absolutely amazing with Vic and her illness.  When my dad moved in with us, Danie just accepted it as part of our journey.  He was incredibly patient with my Dad who suffered from Alzheimer’s.  His selfless, caring nature has allowed me to care for my dad and my child; to pursue my career and start-up Stepping Stone Hospice.

Danie was a wonderful dad to Vic.  She distinguished between Danie and Tienie (her biological father) by referring to Danie as “Daddy” and Tienie as her father.  She absolutely adored Danie.  Danie loved Vic as if she was his own.

In the final days of Vic’s life she pleaded with him to not leave her.

"Don't leave me Daddy"
“Don’t leave me Daddy”

A couple of days before her death Vic saw her father…  Jared was standing at the bottom of her bed and she said “Look Jared, Oupa Tienie is standing behind you…”   Her dad held her hand as she stopped breathing.  Her father took her hand as she stopped breathing…

When I packed up Vic’s cupboards I found the cardigan she had bought Danie for Father’s Day this year…  This year she will celebrate Father’s Day with her father and Danie will wear his cardigan.

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day were special days for Vic.  She loved spoiling and being spoilt!

Vic was desperately ill last year on Father’s Day.  I cooked a large family lunch and all the Gauteng kids and grandkids came for lunch.  Vic tried to have lunch with us but within minutes she was nauseous.  I remember her eyes filling up with tears when she excused herself from the table.  “I am sorry Daddy” she said.

Father's Day 2012
Father’s Day 2012

Later that afternoon Danie’s eldest daughter lay next to her in bed. They wept together.  Danie sat with them filled with grief for the pain Vic was going through.

Danie is an amazing grandfather.  He loves Vic’s boys as much as he loves his “biological” grandchildren.  He enjoys spending time with them.  He is teaching them the value of family, goodness and love! 

This beautiful man is more than I deserve.  I love him with every fiber of my body.  I am grateful to him for the gift of his children and grandchildren every day of my life.  I am grateful that he taught me the biggest commandment of all – love!

So tonight I salute two wonderful men.  Happy Father’s Day Daddy.  Danie, you are my best friend.  I love you with every fibre in my body.  Thank you so much for being such a wonderful daddy to Vic and grandfather to the boys.

Vic's beloved Daddy and Gramps
Vic’s beloved Daddy and Gramps

Vic, I hope you have fun in Heaven tomorrow with Gramps and your father.  I know you will be surrounded and ensconced in love.  We will miss you on Father’s Day and every other day in our lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9ZMDPf9hZw&feature=colike

“This is to have succeeded”


Vic often said “I must be such a disappointment to you.  I have done nothing with my life!”

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This morning I read these beautiful words and so wished I could have shared it with Vic.

“This is to have succeeded” posted on June 4, 2013 by Dr Bill http://drbillwooten.com/2013/06/04/this-is-to-have-succeeded

“To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.” ~ Bessie Anderson Stanley

To laugh often and love much – That Vic did.  She always had a smile on her precious face.  Even when she was in dreadful pain she would try to smile.  When she was in a lot of pain her laugh was shrill.  Pain seldom stopped her from laughing… In 2007 I said to Vic that my life was sad.

“That is terrible Mommy.  Why?”

I felt like hitting my head against a wall!  What did the child think?  In 2007 Vic must have had 18 operations; developed every hospital superbug in the book; developed septicaemia, had a high output fistula; developed Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome; spend months in ICU and survived having the ventilator turned off… Vic was op TPN (Total Parental Nutrition) for months…she had a massive open wound that we could not keep covered with a colostomy bag.  It was too big and positioned very low down.

“I worry about you every second of the day baby.  I worry whether you have vomited and how much you vomited; I worry whether you have been able to eat anything…  I worry about your wound.  I worry about your pain control….”

“Mommy, that is so sad.  At least once a week the boys and I laugh so much that my tummy hurts from it…”

Vic in 2007
Vic in 2007

Vic loved unconditionally and with every fibre of her body.  She gave everything!  She was a wonderful daughter, mother, friend…She loved her family, her siblings, her friends and her boys.  She LIVED love.

Her last words ever were “I love you Mommy”

… to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;  Worldwide, intelligent people, respect and admire Vic for her courage, tenacity…  We called Vic the “baby whisperer”.  Children loved her.  She loved children.  Her only ambition as a toddler and teenager was to be a Mommy.  She loved her sons beyond comprehension…

The Baby Whisperer
The Baby Whisperer

…… to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; Vic suffered a lot of betrayal in her little life.  People got tired of waiting for her to die.  “Friends” spoke about her “addiction” to pain medication behind her back… They used her illness as a weapon against her when she was at her most vulnerable.  False friends (and loved ones) spoke their “minds” and condemned and judged Vic for choices she made… Because she was ill people thought they could say what they wanted, when they wanted.

….. to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;  My precious child was so naïve.  She refused to see the bad in people!  The only time she got irritated and miserable was in hospital.  She always found the good in people.  She did not speak badly of people.  When I was angry with someone she would placate me…point out their good points… She knew that if she voiced her own anger it would have driven me over the edge.  Vic taught me unconditional love, forgiveness and tolerance.  Vic brought out the best in me and the most other people.

…..to give of one’s self; Vic was a people pleaser.  She would turn down MY bed!!!!  She made sacrifices for each and every person in her life.  Even in death she worried about other dying people who were less privileged than she was.  I promised her 2 am one morning that I would start Stepping Stone Hospice!  She kept talking to me about Stepping Stone until she lapsed into a coma.

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…..to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; Vic left the world a better place.  Her sons are monuments of the person she was; her dream of a Hospice has been realized.

The boys taking Vic for a walk at the Donald Gordo

……to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;  With the 2010 Soccer World Cup Vic went crazy with enthusiasm; she bought every gimmick that hit the shops; she went of the “soccer train” in her wheelchair, she watched every single soccer game.

Vic loving World Cup 2010
Vic loving World Cup 2010

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……to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived     Vic’s legacy will live on through her sons and Stepping Stone Hospice.  Long after I have died, people will continue to benefit from Vic’s dreams and goodness.

—this is to have succeeded.”  My angel child – you succeeded!  You succeeded in life and with living.  You made the world a beautiful place filled with goodness and hope.  I am so proud of you.  You lived life to the full.  You made a difference!  You lived a greater and more successful life than most people.  You have put the world to shame.  You are my hero!

Vic and her monuments
Vic and her monuments

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/16/and-the-winner-is/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/09/9-6-2012/

ALZHEIMER’S – A SPECIAL POEM


The best father in the world...
The best father in the world…

 

My beautiful dad died of Alzheimer’s.  

 This poem is for you Daddy.  You are my hero; the best father in the world.  You loved unconditionally.  you held onto your dignity with superhuman effort….

I was so proud of you.  You clung to your old-fashioned manners and values until death.

I am glad you died with your dignity intact.  I loved you every day of your life and will continue to love you every day of my life.

A special Poem
 
Do not ask me to remember.
Don’t try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you’re with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
 
I’m confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
 
Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different ‘though I try.
 
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ’till my life is done.
 
– Unknown
My Dad a month before his death....it was such a wonderful day!
My Dad a month before his death….it was such a wonderful day!
My dad and I on my wedding day
My dad and I on my wedding day
Simply the best
Simply the best
Vic adored her Gramps and he adored her!
Vic adored her Gramps and he adored her!

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My hero!
My hero!

Caregiver Isolation


Alberton-20120625-00559It happened without warning…

In 2002 I was on top of the world.  My career was at an all-time high, financially we were secure and I LOVED my job.  I was able to work long hours and spend time with my friends.  I was on 9 Church Committee’s and very involved with community work in the poor areas.

Then it happened…Vic had her blotched back surgery and our lives changed forever.  I spent 22 days in the waiting room outside the Intensive Care Unit.  My life ground to a halt.

We moved into a downward spiral of hospitals, doctor visits, x-rays, scans, 81 abdominal surgeries, pain, open wounds, hospital bugs, sepsis and wound dressings.  I felt over-whelmed and out of control.  Doctors and nurses prodding and touching my child.  To them she was a commodity.  But, to me, she was my life.

Slowly but surely my life changed…  I became fixated with finding a “solution” to my child’s devastating health problems.  After all, I am a Baby Boomer.  We don’t accept bad situations.  We find solutions.  We sort out problems.  I refused to accept the doctors’ prognosis as I did when she was a little girl.  I was told that Vic would not live to the age of 12 when she was diagnosed as a toddler…  I refused to accept it.  Vic not only outlived the prognosis but lived to complete school, get married and give birth to two beautiful boys.  The ventilators were turned off and Vic continued to breathe, live….

We went from one doctor to the next.  I spend hours every day of my life on the internet looking for solutions and advice; it became a coping mechanism.  I worked longer hours in-between surgeries.  Quite frankly, work became a crutch.  I spent less and less time with my family and friends…I suppose because I felt no-one understood my fear, my despair, my pain…

My fear, despair and pain became my constant companion.  My computer and the internet my trusted friend…

One day, about 7 years ago, Jared asked me “Oumie don’t you love your family?”

“Of course I love my family!  Why are you asking such a question?” I replied

“Because you are never home….”

I had to sit down and reassess my life.  Quite honestly the financial implications of keeping Vic alive and care for her was daunting.  I feared going home because I could not handle Vic’s pain….  I knew in my heart there was no cure.  The mere thought of Vic suffering for endless years were terrifying!  I could not bear to see the fear and helpless desperation in the boys’ eyes.

So contrary to what I have written before, and comments that have been left, I have not been the best mother.   There was a time that I ran away.  I was petrified of the thought that Vic would suffer for another 40 years…be dependent upon me for another 40 years… There were times that I thought to myself “There has to be more to life!”  I felt lost in the in-balance of my life.  No matter where I turned it was work and responsibility!

In 2009 my Dad came to live with us.  He suffered from Alzheimer’s.

Dad and I
Dad and I

Whilst I reached a maturity level where I realized that being a caregiver is a privilege, not a burden, our lives changed.

I started sleeping downstairs many years ago when Vic was so ill.  I was scared I would not hear her if I slept upstairs.  I slowly slipped into a habit of working late on my laptop and then falling asleep on the sofa.  This continued when my Dad lived with us.  I still sleep downstairs on the sofa – waiting for Vic shuffling footsteps down the passage, text messages saying “Can I have something for pain?” or the intercom screeching!  The intercom was the 911 call.

I slowly and inextricably slipped into depression.  My entire life was dominated by my fears for my child.  The caregiving demands steadily increased as the years passed and the situation deteriorated.  It became a dark and difficult period for the entire family.  We could no longer spontaneously decide to go to dinner, go away for a weekend or even a holiday.  Every activity demanded a great deal of planning.  We became more and more isolated as a family.

It is natural for family and friends to drift away when a loved one becomes ill. The longer the illness, the longer they stay away. By it’s very nature, caring giving is draining. It is far easier to stay home and rest than socialize outside the home.  Isolation can lead to loneliness, depression, and illness. It takes energy and effort to maintain friendships when one feels tired and discouraged.

My salvation was cyberspace.  I joined an Alzheimer support group, https://www.caring.com.  Without the support group I would never had coped with my dad’s descend into Alzheimer’s.  A year ago I started blogging on Vic’s final journey.  I have found a cyber-community with parents who also lost children, friends with a word of encouragement, a kind words.   I receive advice, support and information from a loving cyber-community.

I however realize that I need re-join life.  There are days that I just want to stay on my sofa with a blanket pulled over my head.  I fear that if I sleep in a bed I will never get out of it.  In the TV lounge there is always people.  Whether it be the boys, Danie or the housemaids.

Today I had tea with an old friend.  For almost 4 years I have not been able to see her.  She has a young son that I have never seen.  Our friendship was reduced to the odd phone call or text message.  Often she would phone and there would be a crisis with Vic.  I would say “I will phone you back” and never get around to it.  I isolated myself from friends.  I was so miserable and totally absorbed with Vic that no “outsider” could penetrate my “barrier”.

My life centred round my sick child and family.

Despite the trauma of Vic’s death and coming to terms with the horrible loss, my life has changed.  I have had tea with my new Magnolia friends and Christelle.  We go out to dinner on the spur of the moment; we have been on holiday and I spent 4 days at a Spa with my sister!  I have watched Jon-Daniel play hockey matches, started gym and started remodelling the house.  I have seen a psychiatrist and take antidepressants.  We have started Stepping Stone Hospice.

How amazing is this?

If the truth be known it is not amazing at all.  I am dying on the inside.  I cry uncontrollably – mostly when everyone has gone to bed.  If the boys were not living with us it would have been so different.  I KNOW I would still have been in bed.   I am consumed with longing for my child.  Last night I replayed 100’s of voicemail messages that Vic had left me….

“Love you Mommy…”

“Love you Baby Girl”

“Never Alone”


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We played “Never Alone” as we carried Vic out of the church to the hearse…”Never Alone” because our love will always enfold you.  We love you so much!!IMG_8396 062

Lady Antebellum – Never Alone Lyrics

“Never Alone”     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

May the angels protect you 

Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You’re never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble,
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You’re never alone

Chorus: Never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

well
I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I’m not gonna promise that the cold winds won’t blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

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24.12.2012
24.12.2012

Jon-Daniel writes…I wish


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Jon-Daniel is going through a rough time.  He posted this on his Blackberry Status.

I wish there were visiting hours in Heaven.  Miss you my little angel.  We all do!

Hamba Kahle Little One…


Friday evening we duly said goodbye to young Izak.  My heart is at peace.  His forever-parents are a wonderful couple.  The Dad refers to Izak as his “first-born” son and the Mommy glows with pride when he does something cute (which is all the time).

I am so grateful that he will be going to a loving home.  The parents are intelligent, sociable and gentle.  The Mommy seemed a little uncomfortable changing and feeding him, but I think she may have been a little intimidated by our presence.  The Dad was born to be united with Izak.  They even look-alike!

The precious little angel was at his best behaviour.  It is as if he knows something is brewing….

Lani is such a kind, gentle soul.  She arranged a “Stork Tea” for the Mommy.  Some of her friends made up little gift parcels, and Lani packed one of each of his cereals, Purity, finger biscuits, medicines etc for the Mommy with detailed instructions.  She also made a beautiful “First Bible” with Izak’s photos in it!  The Mommy cried!

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His Oumie (that’s me) bought him a jean, baseball jacket and in African Tradition – a blanket.  I hope that when he is wrapped in his blanket at night he will feel loved and cared for, even when we are gone from his life.

I did cry when I kissed him for the last time.  I felt good knowing that he has forever-parents that love him and who will cherish him.  I can see he will be their pride and joy!

Tuesday at 1 pm Lani has to kiss baby Izak goodbye.  I know she will be heartbroken.  She has such a special bond with him!  He looks at her with absolute adoration in his bright brown eyes.  I know the girls will be heartbroken for losing their little “brother”.  Tom cried on Friday night when he prayed for Izak and his Forever Family.  I know in his heart he had some dreams of being Izak’s “wingman” on his first night out on the town.

 Take my hand and hold it as if it is my heart....

Forever Daddy – take my hand and hold it as if it is my heart….

I pray that Lani will cope with saying goodbye.  I know how hard it is!

I salute Lani and Tom for making a difference in an incredible baby’s life!  I believe that his abandonment is the best thing that could ever have happened to him.  His birth mom made an incredible sacrifice to ensure a better life for him.  In Lani and Tom’s home he had the best possible start to a good life.  Izak was showered with love by everyone he came in touch with…He won over hearts of stone!

My wish for this adorable little boy is a life filled with blessings, love, care, good health and joy.  Izak has the potential to become president of this country.  I pray that his forever parents will cherish and nurture this potential and guide him wisely.

So my precious cherub who laughs a lot, know that you started life surrounded by love.   Hamba Kahle.  I will miss you little one.  You will always remain in my heart!  (Hamba Kahle means to “go well” or “stay well”, not really goodbye)

Tom, Lani and Girls – I salute you for selflessly loving this precious child.  You have given this little boy a chance in life.  I love and admire you for it.

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Watch These Two Men Experience Labor Contractions With Their Wives Coaching Them On


This is the funniest video I have ever seen!!  Thank you Victoria Bruce.

Another goodbye, another heartbreak…


I had a total meltdown today. Maybe because I heard last night that a couple are adopting baby Izak. Izak is the beautiful 8 month old foster son of Lani and Tom’s. The poor little angel was abandoned as a day-old baby at a taxi-rank.

This precious baby boy stole my heart and proved to me that one little boy can truly change peoples hearts.

But, the time has come for him to be blessed with loving parents in a permanent home. He is one of the lucky few.

We live in a country with hundreds of thousands of orphans and abandoned children. We do not have enough orphanages to accommodate all our orphans and abandoned children. The children continue to live in their shacks or homes after the death of their parents and often the head of the family could be as young as 11 years…

DIscipline is one of the few problems that arises from the situation. Children grow up with no social skills, no education and often suffer brain damage and poor physical development due to malnutrition.

One way or another the communities take care of their own. We seldom hear of a child starving to death or dying from exposure.

Baby Izak was one of the lucky ones to end up in a loving foster home. He looks at his “mommy” with absolute adoration in his soulful eyes. He loves touching my face and is a great hugger!

He is an intelligent, happy baby. He is ahead on all his milestones. His biological mom has AIDS, but thanks to the ARV program of our government Izak is healthy and not HIV positive!

I am sad that he is leaving our family. I am devastated that for the 2nd time this year I have to say goodbye to someone that I love dearly. I pray that he will be loved and be allowed to develop to his full potential. I pray that his new parents will protect him.
On Friday we have to say goodbye to this precious baby. I won’t go! Last Saturday he fell asleep on my lap. I want to remember that. I cannot bear to hold him even one more time just to have to let him go too.

So baby boy, I hope that you will know that I love you. I will always carry the memory of you in my heart. I am grateful that you enriched my life. I will never forget you. I hope you will continue to change peoples lives and perceptions. I know you have the potential to become the president of our beautiful country.

In my heart you are my grandson and will always be.

I love you so much!

nPosted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

My 1st Mothers Day


Today, the 12th of May 2013, is my first Mother’s Day in 38 years without my precious Vicky.

I attended my sister’s birthday party.  I smiled and participated in her birthday and Mother’s Day celebrations.  I know that worldwide millions of other mothers joined me today in quietly reflecting on our grief and sadness.

I know that the family and especially Danie were worried about how I will handle Mother’s Day.  On Friday morning Danie asked whether he could get me flowers for Mother’s Day as he has done for the past 22 years.  I declined.

I know that even though today is dedicated to mothers, entire families will be affected.  Fathers too experience grief and yet the world seems to forget about them.  Maybe it is because men are so stoic in their grief.

I saw this on a Facebook site – Grieving Mothers, and it really shook me…

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I know that Danie is grieving for Vic.  He is grieving with the boys and me.  He is grieving for us.  I know he fears that he lost part of me…. 

Today I share Mother’s Day with my fellow club members – the grieving mothers of the world.  Tonight I will reread 30 odd Mother’s Day Cards and drawings that I received from my precious child over the years.  I will cry on my own.  I will burn candles for my child and for the moms of Henry, Tommy, Raymond, Phillip, Klysta,Jason, Alex, Matthew, Caitlyn, Morgan, “B”, Jason David, James, Jesse, Steven, Graham, … I will weep for my beautiful grandsons who did not have a mommy to wish a “Happy Mother’s Day” today… I will mourn my Mom – a woman of great strength, beauty and love.

Yet I am filled with gratitude and love for my stepchildren and grandchildren; the messages of love and support that started coming through from friends, family, Vic’s friends and even the boys friends mothers…

My phone started pinging early this morning.  I ignored the pings.  Danie sneaked into my TV lounge where I was sleeping on the sofa.  I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.  Then my phone rang, and I could not ignore the call… It was Lee-Ann.  She said “HI T, I am just phoning to tell you I love you…”  I burst into hysterical tears.  Poor lee!

Danie brought me letters that the boys had written me… Jared wrote “Dear Oumie, I know we don’t have a reason to celebrate mothers day, other than to remember Mom and all she meant to us.  So I have decided that we are changing the name to Oumie’s Day.  We got you a sign that says “HOME” .  That is because this is OUR home, and it always will be.”

Jon-Daniel wrote: “Happy Mothers Day Oumie” It may not be the happiest time of the year for you.  Although your very own child is up in Heaven, you have GRANDchildren.  Nothing will ever fill the gap – Mommy’s gap!  This is the first year you will be celebrating Mother’s Day without the One who made you a Mommy.  It is difficult,you must know I am always here.  After all you are our grandmother.  The word says it all, “grand” – great, awesome, amazing.  And “Mother” – well, no need to describe that.  Everybody knows how special a mommy is.”

Henk, second eldest grandson wrote “Ouma, it was a difficult year but you are always here to help and love.  You always have a smile no matter how bad things are for you.  We are grateful for it, and that is why we love you so much and always will do.”

Yesterday little Simone put her arms around me and said “Thank you for being my Ouma.  Thank you for spoiling us.  I love you very much.  My words are your Mothers Day present.”

I have had beautiful messages of love and caring from all my stepchildren.  It has truly filled me with joy.

I also read a card that Vic gave me in 2000 “We have all changed a lot through the years Mommy but one thing will never change – and that is the love between us.  It is a special bond that keeps us close no matter where we are.  I love you more than words can say.”

I know that today my precious child and Mom are celebrating Mother’s Day together.  I am grateful for all the years we were able to celebrate together.  I love you and honour you both today.  Two amazing mommy’s…

Thank you God that today is over!!!!!

Mother's Day 2008
Mother’s Day 2008
Mother's Day 2012
Mother’s Day 2012

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