Tag: Mother

A mother’s love is a glimpse of heaven – Joseph E Beck


A new born Jon-Daniel

Today was another milestone for Vic and the family.  Jon-Daniel turned 14 and he woke up to his loving mother’s birthday wishes and kisses.

I could not help but think back to the day he started “big” school.  Vic was violently ill but refused to be admitted to hospital before Jon-Daniel was taken to “big” school and settled into his new class…  Seven years ago she placed her own life at risk to take her son’s hand in hers and lead him into a scary new phase of his little life.

Vic kneeled next to his little chair and told him school was going to be one of the greatest adventures in his life.  She told him she loved him and he was in good hands.  His brother would look out for him at break.  He had to concentrate and listen to his teacher.  “Mommy will see you after school” she promised.

When we left the classroom Vic collapsed.  Colin took her straight to hospital.  Silent tears ran down her cheeks.

“Mommy, please bring the boys to hospital this afternoon.  I promised Jon-Daniel I will see him after school.”

I do not remember the exact details of that particular hospitalization episode but I do remember what a milestone Vic reached that day…

Yesterday my little girl dragged her body out of bed.  When Vic and the boys moved home a year ago I bought her a doughnut-making machine.  She had not used it.  Jon-Daniel loves baby doughnuts and keeps asking her when they are going to make doughnuts.  So, Vic made baby doughnuts with Jon-Daniel yesterday afternoon.  It wasn’t a big batch but she was absolutely exhausted and in terrible pain after she finished his “birthday doughnuts”.

I wonder if he will ever realise what a superhuman effort it took for his mother to make him birthday doughnuts….

Vic bought Jon-Daniel a sound system for his 14th birthday some time ago.  It has been wrapped and ribboned for a while.  I am so grateful Vic was able to give it to him, in person, this morning….  He was absolutely delighted!  The boys had to go to their Dad this evening so Vic made the decision to take Jon-Daniel out of school early today.  We did not have the normal “tea and cake” thing at home as we simply did not have enough time.  We went to lunch and had a wonderful time!  We screeched with laughter.  The boys joked with Vic because she is so short…. (She loves being ragged about her (lack of) height) and the boys love humouring her!

“Mom can’t do a ‘high five’ Oumie – she is too short…”  They just carried on and on joking with their mom.

Late afternoon, after the boys left, Vic and I quietly sat basking in the milestone day….

Vic said “You did not blog last night Mommy….”

“I know sweetie.  I did reblog the article on Meredith Thomas. (https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/11/lots-of-tears-with-less-than-a-few-months-to-live/ ) I was too sad to blog after reading that article.  It really affected me you know…”

“It is so sad Mommy.  I wish I could write to her and tell her what an inspiration she is to me…” Vic said.  “I am so scared…. I have a hollow feeling on my tummy.”

We just sat in silence.  I held her little hand knowing what she was saying.  I did not have words for my little girl.

“I have such a good idea for your Christmas gift but I need the boys to help me.” she said

“Well, in 6 weeks’ time the boys will have finished their exams and they will have lots of time to help you.” I said

“I can’t wait that long Mommy.  My health is too precarious.   I must do it now…..”

With a hollow feeling on my tummy I wonder whether we will reach our next milestone….

I am taking a break from your blog


Jared and Vic lighting Jon-Daniel’s 13 Candles 12.10.2011

 

People have said “I am taking a break from your blog.  It is too difficult for me to read” or “Some days I just cannot read your blog”….. Listen up people on the 20th of July 2012 I blogged “When we first received Vic’s death sentence there was an absolute outpouring of love.  But I suppose she did not die soon enough and people slowly and discreetly disappeared out of our lives.  My blog is three months old and most of you too may get tired of the waiting game and stop reading it and disappear into cyberspace.  Well, this time you cannot hurt us because you are faceless. “https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/20/thank-you-god-20-7-2012/

My best friend says my blog is sad and I suppose it is.  The blog however mirrors my deepest feelings.  It is our journey and you (the royal you) don’t have to feel you are under an obligation to read my “sad” blog.

Well today I will however try and blog some happy moments.  Jon-Daniel, Vic’s youngest son, turns 14 on Friday the 12 th of October.  We are busy arranging his birthday party.  He wants a pool party but I don’t think the weather will co-operate!  Weather predictions are 80% chance of rain on Saturday!

Vic was born on one of the coldest days of the year.  I remember sitting hunched up in front of the fireplace saying “if ever I am going to have this baby it is going to be tonight!”  I finished work that day and was looking forward to my maternity leave.  I had weird little contractions at work but paid no attention to it.  My back was killing me!  But I had work to finish and the staff held a little “stork party” for me.  I lost my temper with someone at work and yelled at him!  I ate ice-cream in front of a heater and craved a milkshake!  It was such a busy day.

My case had not been packed as Vic was only due a month later….In true Vicky form she decided “enough is enough” and I went into labor that evening!  Vic is a “lingerer” and was born 27.5 hours after I went into labor.

When I was admitted my mother-in-law accompanied me.  She was plumpish with a youthful face.  The maternity staff thought she was being admitted…. I only gained 8 pounds (3.64 kilograms) and barely looked pregnant.  I still wore all my normal clothes.

When Vic was born she was so perfect!  Her father said “Oh, look she has my toes!”  She was heartbreakingly beautiful with a mop of black hair!

Some facts – Vic weighed in at 2.2 kilograms.  She was a mere 48 cm tall.  She was tiny but so strong and perfect!  She was the best “pooper” in the maternity ward.  Vic was a bottle baby and her preemies clothes were too big for her.

For the first two months of her life I was too scared to bath her.  My mom did.  Vic walked at 17 months but had her first tooth at 3 months.  She had her first fracture at 3 weeks – sucking her thumb!

Vic was diagnosed at 18 months with Osteogenesis Imperfecta.  By her 4th birthday she had fractured 40 bones.  Vic spoke her first words before she could sit and built basic wooden puzzles before her 1st birthday. Vic spoke Afrikaans and English fluently by the time she was 3.

At the time of diagnoses the doctors said she would not live to the age of 12.  Well she certainly showed them!

Every single birthday of Vic’s we have had lousy weather!  It was always the last cold before spring sets in on the 1st of September.

Vic does not have a good sense of humour.  Wait, let me rephrase that – Vic cannot tell a joke!  She loves a good laugh.  She has a beautiful smile that reaches her eyes.  Her dark brown eyes are truly the mirror to her soul.  Her eyes are now either clouded from morphine or pain.  Her eyes now “tear up” even when she is not crying.

Vicky is a people pleaser.  She will do everything in her power to make people happy.  She is also the most stubborn person the good Lord put on this earth.

Vic is a wonderful mother.  She loves her sons unconditionally.  Jared is her gentle giant.  He helps her mobilize and makes her coffee.  He will make her breakfast and lunch.    He is gentle and tender with his Mom.  He will carry her when she cannot walk.  He protects her…. He has a brilliant analytical mind.  He hates homework and studying.  He under achieves at school.  His room is not the tidiest in the world.  He is an accomplished guitarist.  Jared is generous and has an easy smile.  Jared is her eldest.

 

 

Jon-Daniel is the genius (he has my brain – hahaha).  He is a perfectionist and when he leaves for school his room is perfectly tidy.  He immediately starts homework when he gets home.  His lowest mark is for art – 78%.  He is an accomplished sportsman.  He only watches sport on TV and knows all the international soccer greats, tennis and cricket players.  He makes Vic laugh.  He fools around until she screeches with laughter.  He is angry because she is ill.  Even as a little boy he would cry to see Vic when she was in hospital.  Once he saw her he would start acting up – insisting that we leave!  He even saves airtime…. Jon-Daniel is her baby.

Vic loves her boys and her boys adore her.  I wish their lives were easier.  I wish I could save them the pain they live on a daily basis.

Is there pain after death – post 2


A pensive Vic…. 2011

Two days ago I reblogged a post “Is there pain after death” written by a Dr James Salwitz.  This post elicited some comments – mainly from Vic.  Vic has started reading the odd post of my blog.  In a way I am truly okay with it but on the other hand I find it difficult to blog my fears and emotions knowing that Vic may read the post.  I find that I have become guarded in what I am writing.  I am thinking that I should blog about stuff that may allay Vic’s fears….

Yesterday Vic asked  “Mommy, I know what we believe in but what if there is more pain after I died?”

“You read my blog?” I asked.

“Yes” Vic replied.

“Sweetie, I believe that when the time comes our loved ones will be our guardian angels and hold our hands whilst we cross over….”

“I know that Mommy but what if I am still in pain… What if the pain does not stop?”

“Sweetie, the pain that continues after death is the emotional pain that belong to the loved ones that are left behind.  That is what the post is about…..”

Tears welled up in Vic’s eyes and she said “I know that Mommy but what if I am still in pain… What if the pain does not stop?  What if your pain does not stop?”

Andrew, http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/, commented as follows… “Even before one leaves, I always thought it more difficult on my family to watch me go through what was pretty aggressive treatment than on me.” 

sbcallahan, http://thedrsays.org commented…”this is one of the difficult things about being the one who leaves. to know that your loved ones are going to suffer more than they already have is heartbreaking.”

“how to die? I have watched many die over the years and the range is as you would imagine. there were those that just could not let go and suffered every indignity to their body and soul. of course others went quietly with love around them. I have not decided if I want to be alone or with loved ones by my side. is there a way to make it easier for them? would they rather receive a phone call with the news or be at bedside? either way it will hurt them, not me of course as I am the one leaving. I would be lying if I said I don’t think of how I will miss so much. the thing is I have had so much, so much more than others and it seems selfish to complain. what they will go through is tremendous compared to what I will go through. I will sleep eternally and they will live. the best I can hope for them is peace of mind and future happiness. I want them to think of me and smile as I do now thinking of them.”  http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/

I am beginning to think it is easier to be the person leaving than the one being left. I have always known that about relationships and breaking up but now realize that it is the same when someone you love is dying. My husband became suddenly angry and I knew there was something wrong. it is so unlike him to get angry over nothing that I was completely off guard. we had been watching the movie “steel magnolia’s” and he asked me what Julia Roberts was dying from and I told him kidney failure. later when he was able to talk, he shared that it had reminded him of my own kidney failure and near death. we live in limbo waiting each week for blood tests to know if I am back in failure or good for a few more days. I don’t really think about it and when he shared his fear my heart ached. The sad thing is I have no fear and realize more and more how hard this is for him. I know that he will be fine in the end but it is hard for him to imagine he will be fine without me. It is so much harder to be the one being left behind. http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/25/the-one/

Vic so often tells me how worried she is about the family.  She worries about how the boys, her dad and I will cope.  Whether we will cope…. whether we will be able to get over her eventual passing….  Andrew and sbcallahan write about their fears… for their loved ones.  It is a fear that all terminally ill people appear to have.

My Mom died a bad death!  Two weeks after major surgery she died an agonizing death from septicemia   We could see the gangrene spread…. She was burning up with fever and no amount of pain medication could dull or relieve the pain.  God alone knows what went through her mind because she was ventilated.  When my Mom finally died we were so relieved.  We were relieved that her suffering was over.  We were traumatized by the dying process not her death.

As a family we have lived with Vic’s pain and her excruciatingly slow journey towards death for the past eleven years.  For eleven years we have heard her scream with pain, moan with discomfort, we hold her hair back when she is doubled up over a toilet bowel, vomiting until she fractures a vertebrae.  We have nursed open wounds, changed colostomy bags…. We have watched our daughter and mother suffer the most horrendous symptoms.

So baby, if you read this post, know that we will miss you.  We don’t want you to leave us behind but we want your suffering to end.  We will continue to love you until we are reunited one day.  You have to trust us that you will always be “my baby” and the boys’ mummy.  But know that we will be grateful when your little body is freed from its pain and suffering.  You will be at peace…  You will not suffer more pain after death.  We will mourn you but we will also be at peace…  We will think of you and smile…

It is okay to let go my angel child.

Hospice counseling….


We met with Alan, the Hospice counselor, today.

On our way to Hospice Jon-Daniel sat with his arms crossed muttering “I don’t need to see anyone” under his breath.  “I am like you Oumie.  We don’t talk…”

“Yeah”  I said.  “But I really think the time has come for us to talk to someone.  Besides it is part of the Hospice thing.  We have to do it!”

“The whole day I was thinking of shrink jokes” Jared said.  “Do you think I can ask him ‘how does this make you feel?‘”

We all laughed.

“Guys if we don’t talk to the counselor we may have to come back…. Let’s answer all the questions and get it over and done with….” I cautioned

Alan is a short young man.  I think he is in his early thirty’s.  We shook hands and he asked us how we wanted to “do it?”

The boys went in on their own.  I sat in the waiting room saying a little prayer that they would open up to this professional stranger who is an expert in dealing with death.  Thirty minutes later I was invited in.

“The boys tell me they are coping well.  They don’t see the reason for seeing me…..What do you think?  Are you guys coping?”

I was truly taken aback.  “Yes, I think we are coping. ”

“So Tersia, why do you think the boys need to see me?”

I did not speak for a couple of minutes.  I was grappling with my brain as to how much I should tell this stranger.

“I think the emotional roller coaster is getting to us.  We have said our goodbyes so many times and Vic always bounces back!” I eventually said.

“Yes, Jon-Daniel said so” Alan replied.

“I worry that the boys live in a home where death lingers.  There is not enough laughter in our home.  It saddens me when they stand next to their Mom’s bed and I see the helplessness in their eyes!” I mused

“I get impatient with Vic.  When she has half a breath she will organize a party.  When the pain medication works she will not pace herself.  She will hurt herself and  then I have to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes I am scared that her suffering will not end. ” I continued.

“What type of party will she organize?” Alan asked.

The boys and I laughed!

“It is only a figure of speech….” we explained.  “She will try and do things with the boys and hurt herself.”

“What type of things?” Alan asked

“Drive and take us for a milkshake” Jared replied.

“Mom forgets things and she thinks we are all against her…  Yesterday she said to me that I must not feel guilty if she dies and I am cross with her…Mom always thinks we are fighting with her….” Jon-Daniel said.

“It is not about the final moments.  It is not the final words or even the final disagreement.  It is about the life and all the years of loving before death and dying…. You must not ever blame yourself for anything.  Life is hard for all of you right now.  It is okay to be scared and to get irritated.  You must tell your Mom how you feel.  I am not saying you must back-chat.  What I am saying is that you must tell your Mom how her actions and illness makes you feel.  The household consists of more than one person…. You all have the right to living…”

The boys asked to see Alan for another session….  Thank you God for another angel!

 

Whispered secrets


Jared and Jon-Daniel taking Vic for a walk during one of her hospital visits 28.8.2011

It is Monday the 3rd of September 2012.  Vic had a horrible night and looked absolutely terrible this morning.  Jared’s kidney hurt like hell and I got an appointment for him to see the urologist at 13:00.

Vic wanted to go with but Jared held her little body in his arms and said: “Mommy please stay in bed.  Oumie will take me to the doctor.  I promise I will phone you if I am scared or need you.” 

Vic sobbed uncontrollably.

“Please Mommy, you are just going to be more sore and sick if you go with now…”

Jared and Jon-Daniel are strong and terribly protective of their Mommy.  It stresses and scares them when Vic tries to do too much.  The boys are continually stressing that Vic, in her endeavors to mother, overdoes things and then pays the price.  They feel guilty…they assume responsibility for Vicky’s actions.

“Mom picked me up from school and is now very tired….”

” Mom came to watch me play cricket and is now sick in bed for a week again…”

” Mom broke another vertebra taking me to school….  “

Whilst friends and family “ooh and aahh” about how mature and responsible the boys are, their lives are lonely lives.  They are missing out on their own childhood experiences.  Most of the children in Jared’s class are having “Sweet Sixteen” parties.  Jared is invited but chooses to stay home.  He says it is because the kids smoke and drink…  But I know he does not want to leave his mother.

Until earlier this year, when Vic spoke to the boys, there were whispered secrets, secret tears when we thought they were not looking and false bravado when they were looking.  You see, although we know death is inevitable, the timing is uncertain.  It is like running a marathon without knowing any details about the timing or the course. The boys also experience guilt because they too pray that Vic’s suffering will end.

Yet Vic struggles with dying.  It is impossibly painful to leave her sons.  To let go….. To allow them to be grandmothered….

So, today I again, experienced the unbelievable selflessness of a parentified child when Jared said “Please Mommy, you are just going to be more sore and sick if you go with now…”  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/30/a-mothers-love-for-her-sons/

Tomorrow morning Jared will return to the operating theater for the 3rd time since the 27th of June 2012.  The sonars show at least two more kidney stones.  Obviously last week’s lithotripsy, or shock wave therapy (EWSL), (to break the stone up into smaller fragments to allow those small pieces to pass more easily into the bladder), was not the solution.  The urologist will perform ureteroscopy.  Instruments are threaded into the ureter that will allow the urologist to place a stent (a thin hollow tube) through the urethra, past the bladder, and into the ureter to bypass the obstructing stone. This stent will be left for two weeks when  Jared will once again go back to theater and the urologist will use instruments to “grab the stone” and remove it.

Tomorrow morning Jon-Daniel will go to school – fearful for both his mother and brother.  He will bravely write a maths test and excel at it.  Success and high marks are his coping mechanism.

How unfair is life.

Happy birthday my angel child!


Vic and all the men in her life admiring her PC tablet

Friday morning the boys woke Vic with breakfast and coffee.  They sang “Happy Birthday” and gave her beautiful gold earrings that they had chosen and paid for themselves.

Vic went to breakfast with Leeann at 08:00 and set off for the Beauty Parlour with Esther at 10:00.  She was home with beautiful nails at 11:30. Poor little poppet!  She was so exhausted.  She got into bed and slept for the rest of the day.

We woke her at 18:00 to get ready for dinner.  She was in too much pain.  She sobbed.

The boys spoke to her and told her “We will have takeaways and have dinner in your room Mom…like we did on Mother’s Day.  It will be fun!” Vic had spare ribs and the boys and I had wonderful hamburgers!  Danie is so health conscious he had the fish!  It was a lovely evening.  We were sprawled all over her bed, laughing and joking. I sat there and my heart filled with joy.  My beautiful little girl, her sons and my wonderful husband once again celebrating her birthday.

When Danie and I gave her a Tablet Vic was over the moon.  She loves gadgets and has wanted a PC Tablet for a long time.  Vic said “Mommy I can’t believe I got a Tablet that I don’t have to drink!”  We laughed until our tummy’s hurt.

Vic and I

We had arranged a barbeque for Saturday afternoon to celebrate not only Vic’s birthday but also Tom (son-in-law married to Lani) who has a birthday on Tuesday – 4.9.2012, Henk (grandson – birthday 2.9.2012)and Francois (Tom and Lani’s friend – birthday Monday 3.9.2012).  We hoped that Vic would have recovered enough to be able to enjoy the afternoon.  She rested until 14:00 and got dressed just in time to meet the first guests. We planned to sit under the trees but the weather turned.  A cold wind blew and we moved the party to the house.

Lani’s magical tables!

Children were running around and laughing.  Lani had prepared party packs for the kids and they had a ball!  The table settings were beautiful.  Lani is a magician!  Clusters of people were standing around chatting and laughing.  For a short while our household would appear to the world as a perfectly happy and normal household.

Vic looked so beautiful.  To the untrained eye she looked just like a normal, healthy young woman.  That is until she moved…she shuffles like an old lady!  She insisted on having photos taken with everyone as they arrived!

By 19:00 Vic was exhausted!  She conceded defeat and changed into her pyjamas on and slippers.  She came back to the table and tried so hard to hang-in.  Poor little poppet!  She cried from pain

Vic had a very bad night.  “What else can I take for pain Mommy?” became a refrain!

Last night Jared developed kidney pains again.  He said it was the same as last weekend’s kidney stone pains but worse.  This morning we decided to take him to the casualty department (ER).  Vic very bravely got dressed.  It was however very clear that she would not be able to go with.  She was just in too much pain.  She was heartbroken and sobs racked her little body.  “I am letting my son down….”

Jared had lots of pain meds and tomorrow morning we will see his urologist.

Our household is back to normal.  The laughter has subsided…..

It was a happy birthday………

Henk Birthday Boy 2.9.2012
Francois 3.9.2012 with Lani and Tom  4.9.2012 in the background

Fun was had by all!