This is Vic’s Journey


Despite the fact that Vic has known for a long time that she will not die from old age the grim reality of Hospice involvement has forced Vic to come to terms with many losses.

 “I still can’t believe it’s going to happen. I thought I had more time. I’m tired but I don’t feel that bad. I just feel like such a burden! I am so worried about how you will cope Mommy.  We have always been so close….” Vic lamented this past week.

I am told that Vic is expressing many normal emotions that occur near the end of life. She is feeling the shock of how final death is and the guilt of being a burden on the family. Vic is also concerned about her family she will leave behind….

Knowing that death is imminent is takings its emotional toll on all of us

Vic said tonight that she has never been more scared in her entire life.  She is scared of being “isolated” from us.  She fears that we will not cope.  She is so scared of the pain.  She is so scared of leaving the boys behind….

I blogged on Vic’s fears before.  https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/01/vics-fears-2-7-2012   That blog was based on some research and actual observations.  Now the fears have intensified and are more real than ever. The situation has changed so much in the past three months.   For the worse!

The good thing is that Vic is actually sharing her fears with me.  Tonight we prayed over her fears.  Vic, at last, is dealing with her fears.

Vic is not ready to die. I am certain that very few people actually ever feel ready to die. I have read that it is perfectly normal to feel angry about life being cut short — it’s unfair and you have a right to be mad!  Unfortunately, anger often gets directed at those closest to us, the ones we love the most. We feel safe with these people and know they will probably accept our anger and forgive us for it.  Vic over the past couple of months has lashed out at the boys and I.

Vic is now channelling her anger as a source of energy to help her take action where it’s needed. She is telling us, her family, things she really wants us to know. Vic has re-channelled her anger to do meaningful and positive things.

Vic feels guilty about being a burden on us.  She also feels guilty that she will be leaving her children behind.  Tonight she told me that she felt guilty for distracting me whilst I was driving, 32 years ago, and we were involved in an accident!  I told her that I felt guilty for yelling at her when she was 4 years old.  Until my dying day I will always remember the fear and confusion in her dark brown eyes….

Worrying endlessly about these long-gone things won’t make it feel better about them. It won’t ease the burden we are carrying. It won’t make us feel better. It won’t make Vic live longer…

We spoke and I told Vic that we simply have to let things go.  We cannot change the past.  We must fix what can be fixed and try to let go of the things that cannot be changed.

Vic is stressed that Jon-Daniel and she have drifted apart.  He is angry with the situation.  She wants to spend time with him to rebuild their relationship.

Vic is no longer looking ahead to a seemingly “endless” future. She has lost so many things already.  The strength to get around like she used to, the ability to get together with friends….. Vic feels distanced from friends who cannot handle the fact that she is going to die soon.

Vic has had many physical and emotional losses which have come before the loss of life itself.  Yet she has gained some things too.  She is seeking spiritual peace, a new relationship with her God.

Hospice has given Vic Azor for the anxiety.  I believe that the drug is allowing Vic the calmness to seek spiritual peace and closure.  She is getting her life in order.  Over the years we discussed death as a natural extension of life….  Now she is discussing her funeral with me.  Psalm 23 ans 1 Cor 13 will be the readings…  What I will dress her in… Her pallbearers…

I sense a loneliness of the heart in Vic.  I cannot imagine what it feels like to be aware of the fact that you are facing your last months of life, planning your funeral….No matter what we do or say – this is Vic’s journey.

I remember how I cried when I watched the movie Passion of Christ and saw Mary having to stand by, helplessly,  whilst her son suffered carrying The Cross…  She had to stand by and watch Him die the cruelest of cruel deaths…

Tonight Vic prayed “Dear Lord Jesus, we have not been friends for a long time.  Yet I have come to you tonight to ask You to put Your arms around my children and to protect them…”

God please have mercy on my child.

Hospice counseling….


We met with Alan, the Hospice counselor, today.

On our way to Hospice Jon-Daniel sat with his arms crossed muttering “I don’t need to see anyone” under his breath.  “I am like you Oumie.  We don’t talk…”

Yeah”  I said.  “But I really think the time has come for us to talk to someone.  Besides it is part of the Hospice thing.  We have to do it!”

The whole day I was thinking of shrink jokes” Jared said.  “Do you think I can ask him ‘how does this make you feel?‘”

We all laughed.

Guys if we don’t talk to the counselor we may have to come back…. Let’s answer all the questions and get it over and done with….” I cautioned

Alan is a short young man.  I think he is in his early thirty’s.  We shook hands and he asked us how we wanted to “do it?”

The boys went in on their own.  I sat in the waiting room saying a little prayer that they would open up to this professional stranger who is an expert in dealing with death.  Thirty minutes later I was invited in.

The boys tell me they are coping well.  They don’t see the reason for seeing me…..What do you think?  Are you guys coping?”

I was truly taken aback.  “Yes, I think we are coping.

So Tersia, why do you think the boys need to see me?”

I did not speak for a couple of minutes.  I was grappling with my brain as to how much I should tell this stranger.

I think the emotional roller coaster is getting to us.  We have said our goodbyes so many times and Vic always bounces back!” I eventually said.

“Yes, Jon-Daniel said so” Alan replied.

“I worry that the boys live in a home where death lingers.  There is not enough laughter in our home.  It saddens me when they stand next to their Mom’s bed and I see the helplessness in their eyes!” I mused

“I get impatient with Vic.  When she has half a breath she will organize a party.  When the pain medication works she will not pace herself.  She will hurt herself and  then I have to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes I am scared that her suffering will not end. ” I continued.

What type of party will she organize?” Alan asked.

The boys and I laughed!

“It is only a figure of speech….” we explained.  “She will try and do things with the boys and hurt herself.”

What type of things?” Alan asked

Drive and take us for a milkshake” Jared replied.

“Mom forgets things and she thinks we are all against her…  Yesterday she said to me that I must not feel guilty if she dies and I am cross with her…Mom always thinks we are fighting with her….” Jon-Daniel said.

It is not about the final moments.  It is not the final words or even the final disagreement.  It is about the life and all the years of loving before death and dying…. You must not ever blame yourself for anything.  Life is hard for all of you right now.  It is okay to be scared and to get irritated.  You must tell your Mom how you feel.  I am not saying you must back-chat.  What I am saying is that you must tell your Mom how her actions and illness makes you feel.  The household consists of more than one person…. You all have the right to living…”

The boys asked to see Alan for another session….  Thank you God for another angel!

 

Never Alone


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Yesterday I was really angry with Vic and the unfairness of life!!  I know it was because Jared was hurting and I was scared.  I watched nurses put needles and IV’s into my beautiful grandson.  I saw him being wheeled into theater for the second time this year.  I remembered how ill he was as a baby and a toddler.  I felt the same fear strike at my heart as 13 years ago…

I wish I could protect my child and her sons from the pain, fear and uncertainty that they live with every day of their lives.  I wish I could hold them close and ward off all hardship, pain and fear.  I cannot.  I can only promise that I will never desert them.  I will continue looking for brave doctors and cures….

So tonight I dedicate this song sung by Lady Antebellum to Vic, Jared and Jon-Daniel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

I love you my beautiful Vic.  Your boys are my life.

Kidney stones on the move….


Another Hospital Passage – Different Day

On the 23rd of July, we found out that Jared had kidney stones.  (https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/23/deje-vu-7/).  At the time the kidney stones were  not obstructing the urinary track so the decision was made, by the Urologist, to leave it and reassess the situation in 6 months.   On Friday night, at a Youth Meeting, Jared’s kidney stones gave notice that they had started to move!

I was petrified that if we took him to Casualty we would end up with a bum Urologist (https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/27/vic-olympic-champion) so after researching “Kidney Stones” on Google we (I) decided to monitor and control his pain, let him drink lots of water, anti-inflammatory tablets and a urinary track antacid…  In the event of him “vomiting from pain” or “passing blood” we would be forced to be at the mercy of the On Call Urologist!

By Sunday night the poor soul was quite pale and said his pain was at an “8”.  There was no sign of bleeding and an insignificant level of protein in his urine (I kept testing his urine) and the Leucocytes, Nitrate, UrobilinogenpH, Blood, Specific Gravity, Ketone, Bilirubin and Glucose levels were all within the correct limits….

I managed to get an appointment with the Urologist for 10:00 this morning.  He did a scan and low and behold there was this large (6.6mm) kidney stone stuck in the  urethra…. At 15:00 this afternoon Jared was wheeled into the operating theater for the 2nd time this year.  Thirty minutes later the urologist came through and told us that Jared had passed 5 of the original 6 kidney stones – including the one that showed up as causing an obstruction at 10:00 this morning!  The child did not whimper or moan!  He was stoic in his pain!  The 6th kidney stone was dissolved with a  procedure called lithotripsy. In this procedure, shock waves are used to break up a large stone into smaller pieces that can then pass through the urinary system.

In the passage of the hospital Vic said to me “Mommy, I am so grateful.  Jared got through the operation like a real trooper.  ”  I was immediately filled with an all-consuming anger.  The operation went well, Jared did get through it like a trooper but what has started happening in his young body?  Adhesions people!!  Flippen adhesions!!!!

I said nothing but she saw my face.

As soon as we had Jared settled and comfortable I brought Vic home.  She was totally exhausted and in absolute agony!

In the car Vic said to me “Mommy, you seem so angry with me?  What have I done?”

“I am angry that an innocent child is going through the same hell that you went through as a child”

Vic’s father and I were not aware of the Osteogenesis Imperfecta gene on her Dad’s side of the family.  We made the decision not to have more children after Vic was diagnosed.  We were determined to never subject another child to OI.

From a young age, we told Vic that OI was a genetic disorder.  She KNEW that she should not have children.  She fell pregnant TWICE.  I know she was on  the Pill, suffered from SEVERE endometriosis and that she fell pregnant against all odds.  Yet, she chose to carry the babies and risk them being born with the OI gene…. Despite the Dept of Genealogy at Wits University, her gynecologist and doctors strongly advising against it!

I love the boys with every fiber in my body!  I am so grateful that they are in my life.  They have enriched my life in every way.  I cannot imagine my life without them.  I don’t want to live without them.    But, almost every day of my life I counsel at least one of the boys that, only if the OI gene can be isolated, should they consider having children one day…  They see their mother’s suffering.  They live her suffering!  Jared is starting to live his own suffering.

We are seeing Jared regress into Osteogenesis.  It has been obvious for a long time that Jared’s ligaments and tissue are affected.  He has only had a couple of mild fractures but he is always hurting somewhere.

Today Vic said that I have become “hard”.  I suppose I have.   Vic thinks I am hard because I believe in death with dignity.  Because I stopped all aggressive treatment for Alzheimers Pneumonia after my Dad no longer had any control over his body functions and had forgotten how to swallow or walk!  Vic cannot believe that I want to talk to the boys about considering vasectomies when they become sexually active (or earlier).

I cannot do this again.  I am venting.  I am so angry!!  I am angry with a debilitating disease and yes, I am angry with Vicky for allowing this dreadful gene to be passed on to an innocent child.

This vicious cycle has to stop!

Vic is going to Italy


I sometimes think Vic will live forever.

Vic has been doing so well. Ever since the arm surgery she has coped well with the arm and the pain. The Jurnista is truly a miracle drug!

On Thursday Vic went out for coffee. She drove her own little car… it was less than 2 kilometers but she drove! She was exhausted when she got home but she did not “crash”! She fractured another vertebrae on the 12th of August (http://wp.me/p2rPrS-bA ) but she is coping with the pain! She handled an emotional crisis well on Saturday and today she dished up her own lunch! It is remarkable that she is doing so well. Two months ago I was at my wits end. Vic was totally reliant upon me for everything! Due to the Jurnmista she has started taking back her life… Slowly but surely!

We have started planning our December vacation. Danie and I will take the boys and Henk to Germany for a two week vacation. Vic want’s to spend a week on her own and I want her to go to a Spa for the 2nd week… In the European Spring Vic and I are going to Italy!!!!

Life is great!

 

Mommy I broke my Back!!


Vic as a young Mommy!

Vic has had an absolutely amazing week.  Her pain has been beautifully controlled.  We have had severe bouts of vomiting and cramping but compared to a month ago – it was a walk in the park!

The Jurnista is definitely working!  I have an appointment with Prof Froehlich on Tuesday, the 14th of August, and she will then give me feedback on Hospice.  I was completely prepared to tell her I don’t need Hospice on any level anymore.  Vic’s pain is so well under control that I can handle her care with no assistance or problems at all.

My baby sister (she is only 55 years old) Lorraine, spent some time with us over the long weekend in-between umpiring at the South African National Netball Tournament.  She was amazed at how well Vic looked.  (Remember she last saw Vic when she fell at the end of June).  Vic has been amazing.  This week she has been far more mobile.  She started thinking (arguing) about driving again…..  The first time in months!

This morning Vic went to breakfast with her friend Angela.  She was so excited.

Two hours later Vic literally shuffled into the house.  “Mommy I broke my back!”

My heart stopped.

On a certain level I am angry.  I am angry that Vic wasn’t more careful.  I am angry that I slipped into a false sense of security!  I am angry that the Jurnista is masking the pain so well that Vic is pushing her body’s boundaries.

Conclusion:  Vic is still a very sick little girl.  The fact that her pain is better controlled does not mean that she is well.  If any of us had spent the amount of time vomiting and cramping that she has this week we would be in bed hooked up to an IV and praying for death.  This week Vic’s amazing resilience again amazed me.  She is strong beyond comprehension!

My heart bleeds for her that her fragile body has once again failed her incredible will to live.  It is clear that she is merely holding onto life, as she knows it, with her fingertips……

I will go to the meeting with Prof Froehlich and continue my fight for Hospice to become involved.  Vic will never function on any level again.  She is confined to bed relying on medication to keep her sane.  Maybe she will have a good couple of days here or there but her sentence has not been commuted.

Dummy’s Guide for the Parents of a Terminally ill Child


Danie and I with a happy and carefree Vic at Mabalingwe!
Vic and the boys before she had her blotched back operation

I often read about a child that had been ill for a long time and the parent being in denial. Death is never discussed. I know it may take months or even years for Vic to die. Maybe, with a bit of luck, I will die before she does. But when either one of us dies there will be nothing unspoken. Vic and I talk a lot. We talk about many things. If ever I think of something that I am not certain of, I ask her immediately.

I have fully accepted that Vicky is always walking the tightrope even when she is doing great. It is the nature of the beast and the beast can take you by surprise.

We have spoken about heaven and what a peaceful, healthy place it will be. We often speak about meeting again in heaven and Vic always says she is not scared of dying. Vicky feels terrible about leaving us behind.  She worries about leaving us all behind. She worries about how sad we will be. I wish I knew what to say to truly put her mind at peace and to let her “let go”…

It was very difficult to first raise the question of death. It started approximately 8 years ago with a tentative “Sweetie, is all your paperwork in order before you have this surgery?” and progressed to discussing and shopping for 18th birthday gifts, Confirmation bibles and 21st Birthday Keys. It was strangely “pleasant” going shopping with Vic. I knew that her mind was at ease having done the shopping. Maybe she will be around for these milestone events. Maybe not….. But Vic is prepared. She is far more prepared than I am. She has written letters to be read after her death. She has “special events” cards that I will give the boys when the occasion or need arises.

To arrive at the point, where we are, has been hell! No matter what age your child is, when you first find out that your child is terminally ill, your initial instinct is to shelter the child. (Regardless of the child’s age – the child will always remain the child!!) The parent’s first instinct is to leave no stone unturned. You watch the child like a hawk, looking for small signs of improvement or deterioration, looking for symptoms, hoping against all hope that the doctor made a mistake!

I analyze every ache and pain, hoping that the stomach cramps are merely side effects of the medication. I know when Vic is heading for a UTI; I know how her body reacts to different medications. Unfortunately there is no “Dummy’s Guide for the Parents of a Terminally ill Child”.

Professional counselling is available at a terrible cost. By the time your child is diagnosed or rather sentenced to terminal illness, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of rands has been spent on medical bills. Within two months of the new medical year the medical aid is exhausted….. The medication and treatment cannot stop regardless of the claimable amount left on the medical aid limits…  I have said it before – morphine or counselling???? No contest! Morphine wins hands down. Now in a civilized world Hospice should enter the picture at this stage….. Unfortunately we live in South Africa and Vic does not have AIDS or cancer. I pray that she will find the peace that I know she does not have.

No-one in the world can live in so much pain for so long!

It has to end sometime.

I have a living will 31.7.2012


I have become accustomed to the ICU at the Donald Gordon Hospital.  DGH has one of the best Intensive Care Units in the country.  There are always 3 ICU doctors on duty and well as a HIGHLY skilled Head of Department.  No full-time doctors or pain specialists in the Union’s ICU. 

The difference is that the DGH is a private teaching Hospital and does not handle trauma patients.  Only critically ill patients are admitted to the Donald Gordon ICU.   The staff are all ICU specialists.  Ok, I must admit that they also know Vic very, very well.  For the past 7 years they kept Vic alive.  Time and time again she has amazed and astounded them by surviving  every conceivable Super Bug,  ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome), sepsis, organ failure… they know exactly how her body reacts to pain and how she reacts to different drugs.  The doctors that work in the ICU do work at the Pain Clinic.  They understand the benefits of post operation Ketamine Infusions. 

Over the years Vic has spent months and months in the DGH ICU…

When Vic was admitted to ICU at the DGH the last time, one of the doctors said that if she ever decided to give up her fight to live, he would not fight for her.   He knows what she has been through.

This past weekend I spend a lot of time in the Union’s ICU.  More time than I have ever been allowed to spend in the DGH’s ICU. 

Vic, on Sunday morning, was like a wild animal caught in a trap.  Her eyes were crazy.  Vic’s pain levels were horrific and the ICU staff did not know how to handle it.  On Saturday night after the surgery I was not allowed to stay with her, despite the doctor’s instruction to “Allow the mother to stay”.   I had to sit in the “Comfort Room”.  It was so cold in there!  The air-conditioning was turned down to near freezing levels.  I was so cold that the bones in my body ached.  At 03:00 I decided to go home.  I was not allowed to stay with Vic and at that stage she was sleeping peacefully.

 I was woken just after 07:00 by the ICU staff asking me to come to the hospital…

My well behaved, docile child had sworn at her nurse.  She was insane with pain.  Whilst I was telling them what medication she needed to control her pain (yes that is correct) I was trying to calm her down.  I made the mistake of telling her to calm down… That was an epic mistake!!!

We eventually managed to get her pain under control and then the staff asked me to stay…  I basically left ICU when Vic was discharged into the ward Monday afternoon … 

Sitting next to Vic’s bed I looked around and noted that almost 70% of the ICU patients were on life support.  In the one corner there was a young man.  I would imagine that he was in his mid-thirties.  “Was” is correct.  He was declared brain dead yesterday morning.  By now his organs may have been harvested.  Maybe not.  What I am sure of is that his bed is no longer occupied by his imposing body.  Even in the claws of death he had an imposing physique and a presence.  Yet he had no visitors.  Not a single soul came to see him… until yesterday morning when his next of kin were called in and given the news.  One by one they traipsed in, spent a couple of minutes (at most) next to his bed, wiped some tears and walked out…  He was left to die alone.

Other patients had hoards of visitors – each spending a couple of minutes with their loved one and then returning to the cold passages to chat to old friends or other family.  The patient oblivious to their tears and worried faces… battling each “breath” of the artificial lungs… Dialysis machines cleaning their kidneys… blood pressure and heart rate artificially manipulated by chemicals.  Looking at their vitals one would never guess the life-and-death battle raging in their bloated bodies.

I have a Living Will.  I do not want to be kept alive artificially.  I am absolutely certain about it.  I cannot and will not be convinced otherwise.  People should be allowed to die with some dignity.  We all live to dieit is as certain as paying taxes.

What is the purpose of a life with debilitating pain???  I do not want to put my family through it – ever!!  Oh I know my family will miss me.  I know I am loved.  I however know that we live to die.  I look forward to dying.  I look forward to what I have strived for all my life.  Peace, no responsibilities, quiet… I know that I will go to Heaven.  I have already been to hell.  I live hell every day.

If I had been ill I could have handled it.  I would quietly have found a way of leaving it behind.  To stand next to your child’s bed, helpless, hope less and hopeless is the worst situation any parent ever should have to go through. 

So tonight I ask God again:  PLEASE give me the pain.  Allow Vicky to have some quality of life.  Allow her a life.  Allow her to be loved.  Allow her to love unconditionally and without fear.  Please let her be able to run… give her time on a beach; allow her to turn her face into the sun.  PLEASE let her have a normal life, a job, independence or end this journey.

On Monday afternoon Vic was discharged from ICU to the ward.  I asked the doctor to let Vic come home straight out of ICU.  I can take better care of her at home than they can do in hospital.  Vic is home and last night was a night out of hell.  She was so ill, vomiting all night.  She could not keep her medication down.  No sooner did she take a sip or water or it just came spewing out.  Pain control was absolutely out of the question.

Today I received a message from the Pain Clinic that the Hospice application motivation was underway.  Hopefully we will have an answer by next week.  If only I could give Vic meds intravenously it would be so much better.

Vic also needs physiological support/guidance in making peace with her situation.  From her moments of madness in ICU it became clear to me that Vic has some deep-seated resentments and a lot of anger in her.  Vic needs to make peace with her journey and the trip itinerary. 

But more about our family conference and Vic’s emotional battle tomorrow.  It is time for her medication and I need to sleep. 

 

 

 

Vic’s final hospital visit 30.7.2012


Vic's Humerus after Five Weeks

This weekend I saw raw resentment towards me in my little girl’s eyes.

We checked into Hospital on Saturday morning at 08:00.  Vic was seriously peeved that she did not get a private room as per the doctor’s instruction.  Just to aggravate the situation the lady in the opposite bed was truly strange… She was loud and used bad language.  She kept arguing with her husband, she would tell him to make a sexual departure, he would storm out of the room and she would shout obscenities at him.

Then she started telling us about this wonderful neurosurgeon that she works for.  She and Vic ended up comparing back-op war wounds … Of course Vic won the contest hands down!  Vic then said that she had decided no more surgeries…wow!  Did this set the neighbour off!  She took the moral high-ground and started telling us that we must have faith and God will heal Vic.  Vic was in hospital because we keep asking God to heal her.  We should only ask once and then have faith…

She laid hands on Vic when I went downstairs for a cup of tea.  I would never have allowed it!!

Please don’t misunderstand me – I have nothing against religion.  Religion is important.  I do have a problem with a person who curses and swears and behaves in the most appalling manner and then think they can cure my child.  Jared said to me today “Oumie, I don’t want to be a Christian like that …”

I do not stand in judgement of anyone.  It is not for me to judge. I do have a problem with the ultra-religious people who judge others…surely that is the biggest sin?  As my friend Marlene used to say “Who died that you think you became God?”  If you are a Christian then surely you must believe that the blood of Jesus was spilt for ALL sinners and not only a select, elite group of Christians.  If you disapprove of someone’s lifestyle or actions, condemn the sin and not the person…

People who claim to be “deeply religious” have turned their backs on their loved ones because of a lifestyle choice they made.  They will not allow their own sons and daughters into their homes because they disapprove of the lifestyle choice.  Yes, our loved ones make decisions that we do not condone or support but does that give us the right to turn our backs on them because of that?  Surely love is unconditional?  Through thick and thin?

I digress… Immediately after laying hands on Vic the lady swore at her son and made a racist remark… I suppose the Jesus she proclaims only died for white South Africans…

Jared sat at hospital with us all day Saturday.  He is old enough to want to do it!  That young man adores his Mommy.  Jon-Daniel copes in a different way.  He went to a private coaching cricket lesson at the Club in the morning and then went to Nathan, his best friend.  Jon-Daniel makes Vic laugh.  Jared makes Vic coffee.

Two different boys with two different ways of coping and two different ways of expressing their love.   Yet united in their love and despair for their mother.

Vic ended up going into theatre just before 19:00 Saturday night…she was starving!!  Poor little poppet!  I was really annoyed that we had to wait from 10:00 to 19:00 to see the inside of the theatre.  HOWEVER, this is where there is a twist in the tale…a second surgeon appeared in the waiting area and looked at the x-rays.  He was most impressed by the complexity of the fracture…He is a humerus specialist who has in-depth knowledge and experience with Osteogenesis Imperfecta!  I must add that he too had never had an OI patient as old as Vic.  So Vic had two specialists operating on her little arm.

By 21:15 the anaesthetist came through to tell me the operation went well and that he was sending Vic to ICU – mainly because they are petrified of the high dosages of opiates that Vic is on and how it may counteract with the medication that Vic’s on.

History was made Saturday.  A doctor wrote on Vic’s file “Mother of patient to stay with her”!  In the past doctors would make U-turns in the passages to avoid me and here is this wonderful man telling the ICU staff “This mother must stay”.  What a bright and intelligent young man he is even if he charged double medical aid rates.

Vic was however extremely angry with me because she was sent to ICU.  Vic is petrified of ICU and does not appreciate that her pain control is so much better in there than in a ward.  She cannot be given the amount of opiates that she needs, for pain control, out of ICU.

I am delighted as I told the anaesthetist that the Jurnista is new and although I did not give her one Friday night as I was scared that it may adversely affect the anaesthetic and post-op pain control.  (Thank you Google for the fact sheet).  When he said that it is better for her to go to ICU all Vic kept saying was “No Mommy, No Mommy!”  She cried.  I saw the resentment in her dark, sad eyes when she looked at me.

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Vic’s Humerus Pinned and Fixed

For once I did not care.  I love my child and I will do anything and everything to spare her pain.

I have to find out which anaesthetic they used.  The last two procedures at the Union resulted in terrible aggression in Vic.  Vicky is normally a meek and mild little soul but boy, did she rip into me and her ICU sister.  She told me exactly what she did and did not think of me.  It was a horrific experience.  I hope and pray that it was the anaesthetic and not actual resentment towards me that triggered her hate speech.

Vic ended up spending 2.5 days in ICU.  I never left her side but to go shower at home and take Jared to the urologist this morning.  The ICU at a standard hospital is actually not equipped to handle someone as ill as Vic and in such a pain control programme.  I also think they were too scared to be left alone with her after the tongue-lashing she gave them whilst I was showering on Sunday morning.

Well this is now behind us.  We will hope and pray that the sepsis in Vic’s abdomen and spine will not attack the pins in her arm.  That Vicky will get better and enjoy some Jurnista quality of life!

I want to blog on ICU’s and what we subject our loved ones to next.  I am just too tired and emotionally drained to even attempt it today.

Relax, it’s just a bend, not the end!


We are seeing a GP tomorrow morning regarding Vic’s arm.  Both her arm and hand are so swollen that I am concerned that she may actually lose her arm.  It has now been more than a month from the day that she fractured her arm.  When I bathed her tonight I removed part of the dressing that is protecting her arm.  Her arm is still black and blue and horrifically swollen.  I am convinced that she has pressure sores under the cast.

Today was a truly exciting day… (Relax, I am being facetious)

We phoned the Orthopod that treated Vic in hospital.  Sorry, he (Dr Y) can only see Vic next week!  We then phoned her original Orthopod (Dr V) with the permission of Dr Y.  Dr V’s receptionist informs us that Dr V will only see Vic with the written consent of Dr Y.  We tell her that Dr Y is too busy to write a letter but has advised us to get Dr V to phone him (Dr Y) if he needs to speak to him.  “We will not even allow you into Dr’s rooms without a letter.  Doctor V is too busy to phone.  Get a letter if it is so urgent for you to see Doctor!”

Well!!!  What the hell do you do?  You cannot force a receptionist to allow you to see a doctor.  Even if you force your way into the consulting rooms you cannot force a doctor to see you.

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The fact that Vicky is terminal does not give any doctor permission to wash their hands off her.  It is written into our Constitution that every citizen of this beautiful country has the right to medical care!!  “In terms of South Africa’s constitution each person is entitled to human dignity, equality and freedom. This should also be the case when a patient receives medical treatment in the private and public sector.

The Government has an obligation to protect the life of every person in South Africa. The patient has the right to receive medical treatment.”

I promise anyone who cares to read this or hear me: if there is permanent damage to Vic’s arm, I will sue both doctors, regardless of her overall medical condition.

Tomorrow we will see Vic’s GP and hopefully she can get Vic into an Orthopod’s rooms!  Why only tomorrow?  She is too fully booked today to see us today…

Today I had a message from Dr Jaffer Hussain asking whether the Jurnista is working.  Not only did he care enough but he asked whether I wanted him to ask Prof Froehlich to motivate Hospice?

I received a message from my brother today that read:- Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, “Relax, it’s just a bend, not the end!” 

Is there hope after all?  I am cautiously optimistic!

Tomorrow afternoon we see the Urologist.  Strangely I am at peace about Jared.  God cannot be that cruel so I trust in a positive outcome!

JD (Jared’s Dog), is 15 years old and suffering from 3rd degree congenital heart failure.  In human years JD is at least 105 dog years old. She has been such a healthy little dog but is now starting to battle.  She coughs throughout the night and end up sitting upright to breathe easier.  When I get home she is so excited that she has a coughing spell.

JD follows me where ever I go.  If I step back I step on her.  She sleeps in my room.  JD and I have a system worked out.  When I come out of the shower she is already waiting for me.  When I go downstairs, with her in tow, her little tail is wagging and she is clearly very excited to see what little snack she is going to have.  I know she is not supposed to have little snacks but heaven helps the person who tries to feed me hard, dry biscuits when I am 105 years old!

I do not want JD to suffer any further.  Tomorrow morning she will go to the parlour one final time.  In the afternoon she will have an injection at the vet and gently drift off to Doggie Heaven.  Vic and Jared want to go with her.

I am a coward.  I do not have the resilience and strength to take her.

Vic and JD watching a movie

Dèjè vu


Dèjè vu.

Facts about Osteogenesis Imperfecta


 I am posting this extract from the Osteogenesis Imperfectawebsite.  It is informative and will give you some idea of the terrible disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta.The problem with Vic is the Connective Tissue issues.  If she had not had the blotched pro-disc surgery she would have been fine.

Vic is terminal due to doctor error!  Vic will probably die from her frozen abdomen and the issues that arise from a frozen abdomen. That is the short and the tall of it.

 

Osteogenesis imperfecta (OI) is a genetic disorder characterized by fragile bones that break easily. It is also known as “brittle bone disease.” A person is born with this disorder and is affected throughout his or her life time.

  • In addition to fractures people with OI often have muscle weakness, hearing loss, fatigue, joint laxity, curved bones, scoliosis, blue sclerae, dentinogenesis imperfecta (brittle teeth), and short stature. Restrictive pulmonary disease occurs in more severely affected people.
  • OI is caused by an error called a mutation on a gene that affects the body’s production of the collagen found in bones, and other tissues. It is not caused by too little calcium or poor nutrition.
  • OI is variable with 8 different types described in medical literature.
    • The types range in severity from a lethal form to a milder form with few visible symptoms.
    • The specific medical problems a person will encounter will depend on the degree of severity.
  • A person with mild OI may experience a few fractures while those with the severe forms may have hundreds in a lifetime.
  • The number of Americans affected with OI is thought to be 25,000-50,000.
    • The range is so wide because mild OI often goes undiagnosed.

Genetics

  • The majority of cases are caused by a dominant mutation to type 1 collagen (COL1A1 or COL1A2) genes
  • Other types are caused by mutations of the cartilage-associated protein (CRTAP) gene or the LEPRE1 gene. This type of mutation is inherited in a recessive manner.
  • OI occurs with equal frequency among males and females and among all racial and ethnic groups.
  • Approximately 35% of children with OI are born into a family with no family history of OI. Most often this is due to a new mutation to a gene and not by anything the parents did before or during pregnancy.

Testing and Diagnosis

Diagnosis for OI is primarily based on signs seen in a doctor’s examination. When there is uncertainty about the diagnosis, it is best to consult a physician who is familiar with OI. Genetic testing is available to confirm a diagnosis of OI through collagen or gene analysis—a skin sample or a blood sample are used to study the amount of Type I collagen or to do a DNA analysis.

Types

Since 1979, OI has been classified by type according to a system based on mode of inheritance, clinical picture, and information from x-rays. The characteristic features of OI vary greatly from person to person, even among people with the same type of OI, and even within the same family. Not all characteristics are evident in each person. The OI type descriptions provide general information about how severe the symptoms probably will be. Health issues frequently seen in children and adults who have OI include:

  • Short stature
  • Weak tissues, fragile skin, muscle weakness, and loose joints
  • Bleeding, easy bruising, frequent nosebleeds and in a small number of people heavy bleeding from injuries
  • Hearing loss may begin in childhood and affects approximately 50% of adults
  • Breathing problems, higher incidence of asthma plus risk for other lung problems
  • Curvature of the spine

See Types of OI for a detailed description.

Treatment

Doctors who see children and adults with OI include primary care physicians, orthopedists, endocrinologists, geneticists and physiatrists (rehabilitation specialists). Other specialists such as a neurologist may be needed.

  • Treatments focuses on minimizing fractures,  maximizing mobility, maximizing independent function and general health
  • Treatments include
    • Physical therapy and safe exercise including swimming
    • Casts, splints or wraps for broken bones
    • Braces to support legs, ankles, knees and wrists as needed
    • Orthopedic surgery, often including implanting rods to support the long bones in arms or legs
    • Medications to strengthen bones
    • Mobility aids such as canes, walkers, or wheelchairs and other equipment or aids for independence may be needed to compensate for weakness or short stature.

Treatments Being Studied

  • Medications
    • Bisphosphonates such as ©Aredia (pamidronate), ©Fosamax (alendronate) or ©Reclast (zoledronic acid)
    • ©Forteo (teriparatide injections) for adults only
  • Growth Hormone
  • Increased vitamin D intake
  • Physical activity
  • Potential for gene therapy

At this time, there is no cure.

Prognosis

The prognosis for a person with OI varies greatly depending on the number and severity of symptoms.

  • Life expectancy is not affected in people with mild or moderate symptoms.
  • Life expectancy may be shortened for those with more severe symptoms.

The most severe forms result in death at birth or during infancy.
Respiratory failure is the most frequent cause of death for people with OI, followed by accidental trauma.

Despite the challenges of managing OI, most adults and children who have OI lead productive and successful lives. They attend school, develop friendships and other relationships, have careers, raise families, participate in sports and other recreational activities and are active members of their communities.

Managing OI

  • Techniques for safe handling, protective positioning and safe movement are taught to parents
  • Infancy, early childhood and the pre-teen years are often challenging
  • Growth and hormonal changes can affect the frequency of fractures
  • Children and youth learn which activities to avoid and how to practice energy conservation
  • The number of fractures usually decreases in adulthood
  • Following a healthy lifestyle including not smoking, and maintaining a healthy weight is beneficial

History of OI in Medical Literature

There is evidence that OI has affected people throughout history. OI has been recognized in an Egyptian mummy dating from 1000 BC. It has also been identified as the medical condition suffered by Ivan the Boneless who lived in 9th century Denmark. Prince Ivan, according to legend, was carried into battle on a shield because he was unable to walk on his soft legs.

Case studies of fragile bones and hearing loss have appeared in the medical literature since the 1600s.The term “osteogenesis imperfecta” was originated by W. Vrolik in 1849, and the condition was loosely divided into “congenita” and “tarda” by E. Looser in 1906. Van der Hoeve in 1918 described the occurrence of fragile bones, in combination with blue sclera and early deafness as a distinct inherited syndrome.

In the 1970s, Dr. David Sillence and his team of researchers in Australia developed the system of categorization using “Types” that is currently in use. His original four classifications (Type I, Type II, Type III and Type IV) combine clinical symptoms with genetic components. This listing is based on the number of people in the study who had similar symptoms. The types do not go from mildest to most severe. This classification system has been generally accepted world wide since 1979 but continues to evolve as new information is discovered. In recent years, evidence from bone biopsies and other research led to the addition of Types V, VI, VII and VIII.

More Information

http://www.oif.org/site/PageServer?pagename=AOI_Facts

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die. I am motivated by nothing yet I move on… “


“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die.  I am motivated by nothing yet I move on.  I have nothing but I have everything.  I just don’t want to understand.

Muriel posted this message on Vic’s Facebook page.  Today it echo’s my feelings.  I am so tired of living.  I am so tired of this miserable existence that we call life.  Surely, there must be more to life than breathing!

Today was a day out of hell.  I had to leave home early this morning as we were testing some systems that are critical to a contract that we are negotiating.  I got up with great difficulty, showered, and made Kreemy Meal for my family.  Both Jared and Vic need soft foods.  I left on time with strict instructions for Danie as to where and when to collect Vic’s morphine syrup from the Pain Clinic.

Within 5 minutes, I was stuck in terrible traffic.  Five lanes reduced to two…

Once we reached the test site, the subsystem manufacturers arrived 2.5 hours late!!  I phoned Vic to check on her only to be told that she had gotten ill all over herself!  She had to bath and I was not home to help her!  I told her to take anti-nausea tablets, lie down for 15 minutes, and take morphine tablets again.  Once she felt better, she would have to ask Primrose, the helper, to help her bathe.  I could not leave the test site.

Danie phoned to tell me – “No Morphine Syrup – come back next week”.  Some good news was that Esther came to visit and helped Vic bath.  That girl is an absolute saint!  Esther also took Jon-Daniel to the movies.  I am so grateful that he could get out of the house of gloom and illness.

Then the system failed…  The shipment would be delayed by at least another 5 weeks!

Another traffic jam to my next meeting…

An hour and a half later, I left the meeting for home and was stuck in the 17:00 peak hour traffic!  A 20-minute trip became a 1.5-hour trip!  Arghhhhhh

At home, I quickly prepared dinner. Vic has to have dinner by 18:30 as she must take her medication at 19:00.  In my haste I forgot poor Jared is only allowed pureed food so I started cooking (a second meal) some gem squash, potatoes, and carrots for him.  I put it through the strainer and rushed off to his room with a tray and his pureed food.  I do not know what I did but the next thing pureed vegetables and broken Noritake was all over the floor!  I just burst into tears.

I cannot believe that something that I would normally laugh off as an accident set me off.  Poor Jared had to eat soup for dinner.  He is so tired of soup!

Well today, I am fed-up with life.  I am tired to the core of my soul.  I do not want to hear that I am doing a great job or that I am strong.  I do not want to hear anything!  All I want is ONE carefree day in my life!! One day with absolutely NO responsibilities.

Oh dear God, the boys offered to do their Mom’s tablets tonight so I can have a full night’s sleep…What am I doing with my pity party?  I have Vic in tears because she is feeling guilty because of the stress her illness has caused me, the boys feel guilty because I am tired and Danie wants to take me away for a weekend so I can rest and relax…How can I ever relax whilst my child is so ill.  I do know I cannot afford to cry.  It distresses everyone around me.

I need a stronger anti-depressant.

I am going to bed.  I am going to feel sorry for myself in the privacy of my room where I cannot cause more stress in my family’s lives.  Life is already so hard for them.  Tomorrow is another day and we will face whatever life throws at us!

“I’m tired of living but I do not deserve to die.  I am motivated by nothing yet I move on.  I have nothing but I have everything.  I just don’t want to understand.

A lifetime ago…

Vic regrets not going to Italy 2.7.2012


Nothing in the world can ever prepare a parent for that moment  when the death sentence is pronounced over your beloved child.   I remember it as if it was yesterday.

Thank God Vic was in ICU and heavily sedated at the time.  Brendan told us in the passage of the Donald Gordon.  Colin and I went into shock.  We did not ask a single question.  We just looked at him … Mute for that dreadful, heart wrenching, moment.

Later that day Colin and I went to Brendan’s consulting rooms and spoke with him.  I had so many questions and he had so few answers.  He basically said that with the Osteogenesis Imperfecta Vic’s tissue had been affected very badly.  The intestines were very poor and she had very bad endometriosis and abdominal adhesion’s.  The adhesions were the biggest threat…it would almost certainly cause blockages of the gastrointestinal or urinary tracts.  There would come a stage when they could no longer operate or her little body could not take the strain anymore…

Strange Vic knew…when she eventually came round she knew that life as she knew it was over.

When I broke the news to her she was calm.  See, all her life she knew that eventually this day would come.

The doctor recommended that we get in touch with Hospice.  We did.  We had a family meeting.  Colin parents, Danie and I and Vic and Colin.  Colin went through an anger phase.  He felt let down… he thought they would grow old together.  They had two little boys aged 3 and 5…  So many challenges!  So many emotions.  So many medical bills!  In 2002 Vic’s medical costs were R3.2m.  ICU Pharmacy accounts ran into the hundreds of thousands of rands!

With terminal illness come HUGE medical bills.  As long as there is money the doctors will operate and treat, hospitals will admit and treat…   Colin and Vic eventually lost their home due to medical bills and Danie and I started taking additional bonds against our property.

When faced with the news that a family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, many people worry about what they should say and do. They want to help, but often don’t because they are afraid they will say or do something that will further upset the loved one.

Terminally ill persons have the same physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as everyone else. What they need most of all is to be cared about, not just cared for.

Someone said that they do not see Vic anymore as they had already said their goodbyes…they could not handle the emotional trauma of going through the goodbyes time and time again.  In their lives Vic no longer lives….

When the time comes I wish I could have a “by invite only” funeral for Vic.  If you cannot care about Vic whilst she is alive why on earth would you want to attend her funeral?  It has been 10 years and Image

Physical Care is certainly the most difficult part of the dying person’s journey as far as I am concerned.  The control of acute and chronic pain is the biggest challenge that we face.  Medication every four hours is a challenge.  The days are fine but the nights – well that’s a different matter.  It is easier to stay awake until 03:00 and then go to sleep.  Danie or the boys are up by 07:00 so I sleep in.  Getting enough pain medication prescribed is the BIGGEST challenge of all.  Vic’s medical is exhausted within the first two months of the year and thereafter is a nightmare!

The other issues that we have to contend with is constipation, nausea and weakness.   Often Vic is too weak to get out of bed on her own and needs help to get to the bathroom and back.  Showering and shaving her legs is a challenge.  Almost the biggest challenge is Vic’s hair!  Vic has a thick bunch of hair and she will not wash and towel dry it!  Her hair must be blow dried!

Vic went through many stages –  anger, sadness, anxiety, and fear.  It is strange that at first we all go into denial.  Even now I still do.  Vic said earlier this week:  ” Mommy, I am so happy I will be around for Jared’s confirmation.  I know I won’t be at Jon-Daniel’s confirmation”  I immediately retaliated and said “Of course you will be baby.  You just have to keep fighting”   Why did I feel compelled to make an empty promise?

Vic’s emotions are real.  Touch is comforting to her.  She loves being hugged, touched, kissed.  She appreciates the truth.

If it had not been for Vic’s positive attitude towards life and determination to bring up her boys herself, she would have died many years ago.

Vic is now tired and ready to die.

Vic regrets not going to Italy.  She desperately wants to go to Chaka’s Rock one more time.  She wants to see her boys grow up.  She wants to make a speech at their 21st birthdays!

As a family, there is nothing unsaid.  We love Vic and she knows it.  She will continue to live even after she stopped breathing.  We will honor her wishes for the boys and keep her memory alive.  Vic may stop breathing one day but she will always live in our hearts.

Vic is truly a prisoner of pain and despair 15.6.2012


My heart nearly stopped when I walked into Vic’s room this morning.  She looked as if she had died.  Vic had had a terrible night and actually, a terrible day too.

Today, I again realized that Vic is truly a prisoner of pain and despair.  For 36 years she has held onto life, against all odds.  Poor precious child.  I cannot help but ask the question “Why was Vic dealt such horrible cards in life?”  Surely there must of been people more worthy of this tortuous life???   Oh yes, the purification process… Surely we have been through the melting ovens enough – if we have not  been purified by now it will never happen!  Now whoever brought this upon us – please move along!!  It is someone  elses’s turn.

Vic once said to me that if she believed in reincarnation she may have understood her life.  She would then have believed that she was Pontius Pilate in her her previous life…

If I could change places with my child I would.  If by any magic I could take over her pain and misery – even for a couple of hours, I would.  I can’t!!!!!

“Where there is life there is hope”.  Who came up with that stupid cliche?  Vic has hoped and prayed for so long!  Everyone has prayed for her.  People from all continents and across all religions and denominations have prayed for her to be healed.  She has been anointed with oil.  And then there are those religious know-it-all’s who claim that the sins of our forefathers have brought this curse upon Vic.  What absolute hogwash!  How can people, who believe in a God of Mercy, make such a statement??  Either there is a God of Mercy and a Son who died for our sins or there isn’t!  You cannot have it both ways!

Walk in our shoes for one day before you make such cold, uncaring, loveless statements.   Look at Vic’s beautiful sons and then YOU, oh righteous, pious one,  tell them that Vic’s journey is because of a curse cast on her by the God that they trust and love…

We’re all on a journey toward death anyway – how we get there, and what we’re able to do in that time is the important thing. But all journeys have an end.  I pray that Vic’s journey will end! ImageImage

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