Tag: Vicky Bruce

Vic regrets not going to Italy 2.7.2012


Nothing in the world can ever prepare a parent for that moment  when the death sentence is pronounced over your beloved child.   I remember it as if it was yesterday.

Thank God Vic was in ICU and heavily sedated at the time.  Brendan told us in the passage of the Donald Gordon.  Colin and I went into shock.  We did not ask a single question.  We just looked at him … Mute for that dreadful, heart wrenching, moment.

Later that day Colin and I went to Brendan’s consulting rooms and spoke with him.  I had so many questions and he had so few answers.  He basically said that with the Osteogenesis Imperfecta Vic’s tissue had been affected very badly.  The intestines were very poor and she had very bad endometriosis and abdominal adhesion’s.  The adhesions were the biggest threat…it would almost certainly cause blockages of the gastrointestinal or urinary tracts.  There would come a stage when they could no longer operate or her little body could not take the strain anymore…

Strange Vic knew…when she eventually came round she knew that life as she knew it was over.

When I broke the news to her she was calm.  See, all her life she knew that eventually this day would come.

The doctor recommended that we get in touch with Hospice.  We did.  We had a family meeting.  Colin parents, Danie and I and Vic and Colin.  Colin went through an anger phase.  He felt let down… he thought they would grow old together.  They had two little boys aged 3 and 5…  So many challenges!  So many emotions.  So many medical bills!  In 2002 Vic’s medical costs were R3.2m.  ICU Pharmacy accounts ran into the hundreds of thousands of rands!

With terminal illness come HUGE medical bills.  As long as there is money the doctors will operate and treat, hospitals will admit and treat…   Colin and Vic eventually lost their home due to medical bills and Danie and I started taking additional bonds against our property.

When faced with the news that a family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, many people worry about what they should say and do. They want to help, but often don’t because they are afraid they will say or do something that will further upset the loved one.

Terminally ill persons have the same physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as everyone else. What they need most of all is to be cared about, not just cared for.

Someone said that they do not see Vic anymore as they had already said their goodbyes…they could not handle the emotional trauma of going through the goodbyes time and time again.  In their lives Vic no longer lives….

When the time comes I wish I could have a “by invite only” funeral for Vic.  If you cannot care about Vic whilst she is alive why on earth would you want to attend her funeral?  It has been 10 years and Image

Physical Care is certainly the most difficult part of the dying person’s journey as far as I am concerned.  The control of acute and chronic pain is the biggest challenge that we face.  Medication every four hours is a challenge.  The days are fine but the nights – well that’s a different matter.  It is easier to stay awake until 03:00 and then go to sleep.  Danie or the boys are up by 07:00 so I sleep in.  Getting enough pain medication prescribed is the BIGGEST challenge of all.  Vic’s medical is exhausted within the first two months of the year and thereafter is a nightmare!

The other issues that we have to contend with is constipation, nausea and weakness.   Often Vic is too weak to get out of bed on her own and needs help to get to the bathroom and back.  Showering and shaving her legs is a challenge.  Almost the biggest challenge is Vic’s hair!  Vic has a thick bunch of hair and she will not wash and towel dry it!  Her hair must be blow dried!

Vic went through many stages –  anger, sadness, anxiety, and fear.  It is strange that at first we all go into denial.  Even now I still do.  Vic said earlier this week:  ” Mommy, I am so happy I will be around for Jared’s confirmation.  I know I won’t be at Jon-Daniel’s confirmation”  I immediately retaliated and said “Of course you will be baby.  You just have to keep fighting”   Why did I feel compelled to make an empty promise?

Vic’s emotions are real.  Touch is comforting to her.  She loves being hugged, touched, kissed.  She appreciates the truth.

If it had not been for Vic’s positive attitude towards life and determination to bring up her boys herself, she would have died many years ago.

Vic is now tired and ready to die.

Vic regrets not going to Italy.  She desperately wants to go to Chaka’s Rock one more time.  She wants to see her boys grow up.  She wants to make a speech at their 21st birthdays!

As a family, there is nothing unsaid.  We love Vic and she knows it.  She will continue to live even after she stopped breathing.  We will honor her wishes for the boys and keep her memory alive.  Vic may stop breathing one day but she will always live in our hearts.

Vic’s fears 2.7.2012


Vic’s fears 2.7.2012.

Vic’s fears 2.7.2012


The boys visiting Vic in hospital 28.8.2012

“Mommy, I’m not afraid of dying.  It is the pain that scares me…”

The four most common fears of the terminally ill are:

  1. That death will be painful.
  2. Loss of dignity and control.
  3. That loved ones will be damaged and unable to manage
  4. If children are involved that they will not be looked after properly.

Death will be painful

Vic the same physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as everyone else.  Her biggest fear is however the pain that will be involved in her inevitable death.  As distressing as the physical pain, Vic battles constipation, diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, weakness, loss of dignity and loss of appetite.

The average physician and pharmacist’s concern is addiction!  So what?  Addiction at this stage of the game is the least of my problems.   I do however believe that Vic has become morphine resistant.  In hospital last week Pethidine and Perfalgan worked well.   This is one of the reasons why it would be great to have Hospice involved in her pain management.

The Pain Clinic is great but they see Vic every couple of months.  In the past 10 months I have collected her monthly morphine script on 7 occasions.  Thank God they have enough empathy for Vic and enough realisation of her health situation to give me the script. The problem is how much more than 400mg of MST (morphine) twice a day can they prescribe??  Imagine if I had to drag her to the pain Clinic every 28 days…

I honestly believe that family involvement is imperative with someone as ill as Vic as she or any other terminally ill person simply cannot manage these situations alone.  Family members closely monitor the effectiveness of pain management.  I take Vic’s vitals a minimum of 3 times a day.  Her blood pressure and heart rate are clear indicators of where her pain levels are at.   I know her body better than any other person, nurse or doctor… I cannot imagine a terminally ill person having to fight for pain medication.

Loss of dignity and control.

Vic desperately wants to participate in ordinary daily activities such as being able to eat with someone; to walk to the bathroom and use it in private, unaided; to talk with a friend; to watch a favourite TV show; to hold her children.

Imagine just for one minute your mother having to help you bath, apply deodorant, dress and undress…  Vic has to endure this indignity every day of her life.

Nights are especially poignant.  Sleep difficulties abound, not only because of physical pain but also because of fear of sleep, fear of not awakening out of that sleep.  One night spent with a dying person could teach all of us, in some measure, the depth of human loneliness, anguish and fear which our own dear ones experience in the brief span of life left to them.  Vic sleeps badly at night.  She wakes every two hours from pain and then she is too scared to go back to sleep.  She refuses to take a sleeping tablet.  At night Vic is at her most vulnerable…  I am so scared that she will fall at night whilst we are sleeping.

What if Vic is nauseous and chokes in her own vomit sleeping?

That loved ones will be damaged and unable to manage

Vic worries about the family’s ability to cope with her illness and eventual death.  When Jared whispered to her “Mommy, I want your face to be the first thing I see when I wake up from the operation” he validated her fears…

Vic often says “You know Mom I worry how Daddy is going to cope with my death…” or “Mommy, do you think the boys will cope without me?” or “Promise me you will go for counselling when it is over…”

No amount of reassurance will comfort her…Vic in time will have to let go.  She knows how deeply we love her and what void her passing will leave in all our lives.  If you lose a marriage partner it is possible to find another partner and experience love again but if you lose a child or parent…how do you replace a child or parent?

Vic is quite hard on the boys (for their own good I must add).  She always says “I am your Mother not your excuse”

If children are involved that they will not be looked after properly.

Vic believes that no-one can ever love the boys the way she does.  That is true.  I am not a particularly “oochy goochy” person.  At times I believe I failed Vic as she has an emotional neediness that scares me.  I attended 12 different schools in my life and maybe this is why I battle to form emotional attachments.  I don’t have many friends.  My family is everything to me.

Vic however often says that she is happy that she moved back home as she has seen how settled the boys are.  They are truly happy living with us.

Vic knows that I will care for the boys for the rest of my life.  We will guide them and provide for them in every which way.  We love the boys with all our hearts.

The question that remains is whether she trusts us enough to let go of this pain filled life where she has lost all control and dignity?  I pray that she will…

A Mother’s Love for her Sons


A Mother’s Love for her Son’s.

A Mother’s Love for her Sons


I have been researching the effect of a mother’s illness on her children.  The boys are two beautiful, well-adjusted, honest and compassionate young men.  Vic’s illness has certainly deprived them of a childhood in the true sense of the word and prematurely matured them into compassionate, caring, young men far too early in life.  At the tender age of thirteen Jared was cooking for the family…  This must certainly have an effect on how the boys perceive relationships with people.

Now according to my research the boys have become what is called ‘parentified’ children. These children solve the problem of sick and inadequate parenting by taking care of their parents. They in effect become parents to their parents, giving to the sick parent what they need from the parent. Now the roles are reversed. This seemingly creative solution is unfortunately too self-sacrificing to be healthy in the long run.

“‘Parentified’ sons who take care of their sick mothers in order to cope with their inability to parent, struggle to suppress obvious needs for love and feelings of loss. They learn to work hard taking care of the needs of others and living off of the scraps that come in the form of reinforcements for their competence and reliability. Their needs for love are overlooked and overshadowed by everyone else’s needs.”  The boys, especially Jared, falls into this category 100%.  When his little girlfriend was hit in the eye by a hockey ball, he immediately went into caregiving mode,  At the time I thought it to be extremely unhealthy that he already has this caregiving character trait.  He used to always make the tea and offer to do so much around the house and for his Mom.

I have put a stop to this.  I pray it is not too late for the boys to adjust to a “normal” household…

It is however important for them to realize that death is a part of the circle of life and that it is not something dark and something to be feared but rather, if happening in a timely fashion, something that one can embrace. The boys appreciate and respect Vic as their mother.   Vic has raised her sons to be respectful.

“The power of a mother’s strength comes from her heart, from her unabashed, unconditional, and unwavering love for her child. There is, as J.K. Rowling wrote in her Harry Potter books, a magic in that love. No matter what happens, a mother is always there for her child. A mother’s love is never to be questioned, and – though she may not know it at first – neither is her strength.”

Vic literally rose from her deathbed to be there for Jared with his operation on Wednesday.  When my Mom died I related her final moments to someone jumping from a diving board into a deep pool, reaching the bottom and kicking to rise to the surface of the water for one more breath… only to sink again.  This is what Vic does.

Before Jared was wheeled into theatre he whispered into his mom’s ear.  She took his hand and said “I promise”.

Vic, drip in hand, walking with Jared to theater!

The surgeon said the operation would last two hours.  Vic dutifully went back to bed and rested.  One hour and forty-five minutes later she was, IV drip in hand, standing outside the theatre door, waiting for her son.  I begged her to at least sit on the chair but she refused.  “Mommy, I promised Jared my face would be the first thing he sees when he comes out of theatre!”

It took a superhuman effort but Vic’s love for her son drove her to keep her word.  It is true that no mother wants her child to suffer in any way, but life is unfair like that. So, we as mother’s do what we can to provide support, comfort, and protection. And we grow strong enough to bear their hurt as well as our own.  As Vic did.  As I do. Motherhood cuts deeply, brings you to your knees most days; but it also brings a strength that may surprise you.

The vicious cycle of anger truly rose to the occasions on Wednesday.  I got angry with Vic because she was not putting her health first!  I KNOW I would have done the same but it was terrible seeing my child do herself harm to be a Mother.  I want to wrap her in cotton so she would be spared that extra day…

Yesterday Vic said she doubted whether she would see the end of the year.  She is however adamant to be at Jared’s confirmation…one more goal…

Go Girl!!!

Well, Vic is home.  I am so grateful.  She is conceding that she is too sore and ill to go to hospital…Saturday Jared comes home!!

A vicious cycle of nerves


A vicious cycle of nerves.

A vicious cycle of nerves


I thought Sunday to Wednesday was a nightmare but boy oh boy come Wednesday morning and my child became a terror!  The “my son really needs me” adrenaline kicked in and Vic was uncontrollable!

She was out of bed, marching into Jared’s ward as if she was the healthiest person in the world!  I was at a total loss.  My dearest friend Gillian wrote me a message: “What a wonderful mom.  Her child comes before her illness. WillVic Accompanying Jared to theater. not let go until her kids are okay. You can be very proud of your daughter”… My reply was: “Yeah – too cross with her to give her any credit at this stage”

Vic cannot pace herself.  Like on Sunday, she will be like a jack-in-the-box and when the moment is over, crash!  In this super human effort to be there for Jared she causes so much stress to everyone around her.  Jared stresses because she fusses around him, I stress because she is overdoing things again and I know there is a severe penalty to be paid for that, Jon-Daniel stresses for both them!  Danie stresses for me… I get irritated with Danie for trying to protect me…. It is a vicious cycle of nerves!

Jared’s operation went very well.  The poor baby was in so much pain but stoically brave!  Not a whimper!!  I am so proud of this beautiful boy.  I was a little concerned for his emotional well being after Sunday.  He cried with fear and frustration for his mother.

Vic was up and down the passages last night checking on her son!  This morning Jared said “Oumie I am so tired.  Mom kept coming in and touching me…”  Vic means so well!  She wants to be there for her children but often does not understand that she is the sick one.  Her actions stress us out.  On the other hand, I must admit, that I was more at ease knowing that Vic was in the same hospital as Jared and able to check on him…

It is such a heart wrenching situation.  Vic wants to be a mother and I want her to be a child!!  When she is okay she can be whatever she wants’ to be.  When she is ill I want her to become my baby again…  Vic is an amazing mother.  She loves her boys with every fiber of her body.  She has fought to stay alive for the boys.  Who am I or anyone to deprive her of this wonderful privilege?  At the end of the day it is her reward for surviving the odds…

On Monday the physician cancelled the bloods he had ordered and agreed that palliative care was the only route to go… I don’t think he thought she would leave the hospital alive… On Wednesday Vic was looking out for her son…What a brave woman my child is.

Vic was discharged from hospital this morning.  It is Thursday.

Vicky is super-human!

Hospice


Hospice.

Hospice


The focus today was Hospice.

The physician came in today and suggested that once Vic is well enough to be discharged we should have her admitted to a Step-Down facility.  A Step-Down facility is an in-between Hospital and Home facility…How wonderful would that be!

Vic refused. 

Well, the meeting with Prof Froehlich went quite well, if she keeps to her commitment!  She will engage in a discussion with the Pain Clinic’s Social Worker and Home Nursing Representative who deals with Hospice.  I also got a letter from the Physician and Orthopod treating Vic at the Union.  I will submit these letters to Hospice and if they refuse to treat Vic I will take them to the Constitutional Court.  So help me God I will not give up!

Jon-Daniel posted on his BBM status that “No child should ever hear their mother cry from pain”.   No child should have to.  I know that Sunday evening’s fall (Hero to Zero) will haunt the boys and me forever! 

Vic is just a bundle of pain today.  Danie sat with her whilst I was at the Pain Clinic.  We insisted that the boys go to Gold Reef City as planned.  Jared needs to get his mind off his operation and Jon-Daniel needs to be with his big brother.  They were traumatized by Vic’s fall.  I hope they have a wonderful day!!

Tonight we planned on taking them to dinner as it would the last good meal that Jared will have in many months!  Maybe I can find someone to sit with Vic. Jared’s surgery is major.  It is to repair an underdeveloped reflux valve, hiatus hernia and creating a junction to tummy due to scar tissue formed from burning.  I have a lot of confidence in the specialist surgeon.  My biggest concern is how I am going to keep Vic in bed…Fortunately they will both be in the same hospital!

I am so tired.   I have slept in a chair at the hospital and have no intention of leaving until Vic can cope without me.  Hospitals are noisy and Vic is in so much pain when she moves!!

 

 

 

 

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37 years on death row 19.6.2012


37 years on death row 19.6.2012.

37 years on death row 19.6.2012


Today was a day out of hell for Vicky.  She is deadly pale – she actually has a ghost like appearance.  She was so ill that she was unable to take pain medication and now her pain is out of control.

If I am having a hard time with this how must this poor child feel?  HOW CAN SHE CARRY ON???

Jared has withdrawn completely!   Rene, Jared’s councillor managed to speak to Jon-Daniel today.   He is in total denial!  He said “My Mom is a miracle.  She was not supposed to live past the age of 12 The doctors said she would die when she fell pregnant with my brother and me and she is still alive.  Lots of times they said she would die…She will get better again”

At first I was filled with disbelief and then I realized with a shock that Jon-Daniel is right!  A couple of weeks ago I bumped into an ex-business partner.  When he inquired after Vic’s health I said that she was desperately ill and that I thought that the end was near.  Frik laughed and said “that is what you said 15 years ago when she was pregnant with her eldest son…”

Reading some of the pre-blog stuff that I wrote and when I look in my Bible there are markings “Vic ICU“, “Vic critical”, etc etc etc.

Vic has been on death row all her life.  I know we start dying the day we are born but for most of our lives we are oblivious to the fact.  At funerals we may think of our own mortality but for the rest of it we think we are invincible.  Jon-Daniel thinks his Mom is invincible.

A colleague asked me earlier today what he should pray for when he prays for Vic.  I replied “Mercy”.  When I got home tonight and I saw this tiny, pitiful little bundle doubled over from the pain,  I panicked and thought to myself “What if Jon-Daniel is right and she gets better again?”

If there is a God He will release my poor child from this dreadful life!  It is an inhuman existence that not even an animal deserves.  If Vic had been an animal she would have been put out of her misery a long time ago!!  God does not have to heal her.  He does not even have to take all her pain away.  If she could just have SOME quality of life…some pain free time with her boys… Please God hear my prayer!

Now my blood pressure is going to be high again…10.6.2012


Jared carrying his Mom into the garden December 2011

This weekend we were showered with love.  A good weekend for us as a family but a lousy one for Vic.  Vic is in a lot of pain.  Mercifully she sleeps most of the time.  The sharp stabbing abdominal pains are getting worse.  Strangely her temperature is only slightly elevated but her heart rate and blood pressure is high.  Signs of pain…  Today was particularly bad,  Worse than yesterday…

Esther brought Vic wonderful nutritional rusks – so she can take MEDs first thing in the morning, Lanie a huge pot of sweet corn soup that Vic devoured and Tracy Chinese soup and cake for the family.  Gill popped in with Chelsea buns.  I was so touched by the caring of our family.   I know it is hard for them to see Vic like this.  Gill, as she walked down the passage to Vic’s room said, “now my blood pressure is going to be high again…”

Gill lives in Whiteriver, a four-hour drive from me.  We have been friends for roughly 34 years – literally and figuratively through thick and thin.  As young Mom’s I did blood and plasters and Gill did dentists and invasive tests.  When Vic was in hospital, as a little girl, Gill would sit with her and Len would take me for tea and anchovy toast!

In 2007 Vic was desperately ill and I sent Gill a text message at 9.30pm to say “Vic is in trouble.  Been put onto life support.  Pray for her”  The next morning Gill walked into the hospital to be with me.  When the doctors told us they were switching the life-support machines off as Vic had no chance of getting better and surviving the septic shock and ARDS, Gill sat with me.  Gill came home with me and helped me tell the boys that the doctors said their Mommy was going to die… We took turns in holding the boys that night.  The next morning we walked into the chapel and prayed that God would spare Vic one more time…  Gill stayed with me the entire day.  God spared Vic.

Gill is an amazing person – she works so hard on her friendships.  She has a clipped way of speaking and has amazing compassion.  She chats to the boys on BBM.  She checks in with all of us on a regular basis.  I think she is amazing because we are all so focused on Vic that we sometimes forget to ask the boys how they are!

What I want to say is that this is so hard for the people around us too.  Many people/friends have come and gone but Gill and Len have stuck around.  There are other friends too – not many though.  And of course our wonderful family.  It is hard for them to not only see Vic suffer but also the rest of the immediate family.  I will go to my grave eternally grateful for this wonderful friendship.

Poor Lani arrived this morning with her eyes swollen from crying.  Yesterday would have been her sister-in-laws 40th birthday.  Anmar tragically died in a car accident in November last year.  Of course my blog triggered so much emotion in her.  She has decided to take a break from the blog as it is too difficult for her to read.  She has such a “soft” heart.

It is amazing how Danie’s kids have accepted Vic and I into their lives.  How they talk about their sister.  Vic grew up as an only child and was 16 years old when I married this wonderful man.  She hated Danie and spoke of him as “that man”.  But from the second that we said “I do!” Vic has called him Daddy…Danie has treated her exactly as if she is one of his own!  On Saturday morning he took her toast and coffee at 06:30 so she could take her tablets and allowed me to sleep in.  During the week Jared makes his mom breakfast so I can sleep.  Vic has MEDs at 03:00 and I go to sleep after that.  Thank goodness I work from home and can sleep in a bit.  The nights seem to be more difficult for Vic than the days.

I am rambling.   Thank you Esther, Lani, Gillian and Tracey for your love and support.

Adhesion’s are like ivy…8.6.2012


Today is really a bad day!  Vic is not well at all!  She is experiencing severe intestinal pain.  I think it is the adhesions that maybe causing the pain.

I have visions of the adhesions strangling her intestines.  Adhesions are like ivy – fast growing and aggressive.  Her surgeon says that the adhesions have formed a solid concrete wall and the tissue is like soggy tissue.  I look at diagrams and photos of adhesions, partial and complete obstructions and I find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that the surgery that saved her yesterday is killing her today.

We have reached a stage in Vic’s journey where she is almost 100% bedbound.  She needs help with every facet of her life.

Vic is very aware that her declining health is leading her towards death.  She says she is not scared of dying but I know that she has many other fears and emotions.  She fears for her boys and us – how we will cope with the inevitable.  She worries about the emotional and financial stress of her situation.  She grieves the fact that she will not see her sons graduate or marry.

People say “well, at least you can say goodbye…I never got to say goodbye to my loved one…”  Today I want to say to those people “Be Grateful”!  Do you think it is easy to stand next to the bed of your child seeing her suffer?  Fighting back tears of frustration because you are so darn helpless!  Watching as every day she loses more of her dignity?  Seeing the tears of pain run down her pale cheeks?  Think again! Prolonged goodbyes are absolute hell.

Just about the worse part of the situation is the helplessness that I see in the boys’ eyes when they look at their Mom.  I see their red-rimmed eyes.  I hear them cry in the privacy of their rooms.  I can only hold them.  I cannot say everything will be okay or that things will be better tomorrow.  Because I know it won’t be!

“Life aka Vicky” versus “Death” 6.6.2012


“Mommy, I am sick” Every time Vic opens her eyes she utters these words.

Vic is running a slight temperature, her heart rate is up, she is nauseous and her tummy is cramping.  She is deadly pale and looking so old and forlorn. 

We all know people who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and have lived far past their doctor’s expectations. In our own family Leon, our son-in-law was diagnosed with grade 4 colon cancer.  Today, mercifully and against all expectations, Leon is in remission and living a full and healthy life.

Why is it that some people die quickly, while others are able to linger or even recover?  If it were a simple matter of “willing it” most people would never die.   Yet, so many times I have seen/felt that definitive moment when I KNEW Vic would live.  Maybe it was a twitch or something – I cannot define “it”.  Each and every time when the doctors had given up, the death councillors had been called in; there was that definitive moment when Vic walked away from death.  It was almost as if Vic shook her shoulders and made a U-Turn… I could see it!!!

Vic has defied the laws of “dying” many times.  Liam, one of the ICU doctors at the Donald Gordon says he wants to write a book on Vic’s fight and victory against death

Faith and prayer may provide comfort and strength, but certainly offers no guarantees of recovery.  Many faithful have lost their lives to illness long before they were ready to say goodbye. Wealth, intelligence, good looks, and a charming personality may be great gifts to have, but disease plays no favourites and claims people from all walks of life. The bottom line is that some who are diagnosed as terminal will die, but not everyone will. Some will beat the odds.  So far Vic has.

Will she win what we believe to be the final round?  Life aka Vicky vs. Death… Ten long, long years she has fought with every fibre in her little body.  I sense that she is tired.  Ready to concede defeat…  She says she isn’t scared.  I am!  I am scared of facing life without my baby.  This is the first exam EVER that Vic has not been studying with the boys.  She has always willed them to study.  When she was in hospital she would encourage and push from her hospital bed.  Now she is not even aware of whether they are home or not…

No-one will ever love me again… 5.6.2012


In 1994, responding to the need for a more useful system for describing chronic pain, the International Association for the Study of Pain (IASP) classified pain according to specific characteristics: (1) region of the body involved (e.g., abdomen, lower limbs), (2) system whose dysfunction may be causing the pain (e.g., nervous, gastrointestinal), (3) duration and pattern of occurrence, (4) intensity and time since onset, and (5) etiology.[9] This system has been criticized by Clifford J. Woolf and others as inadequate for guiding research and treatment.[10] According to Woolf, there are three classes of pain : nociceptive pain (see hereunder), inflammatory pain which is associated with tissue damage and the infiltration of immune cells, and pathological pain which is a disease state caused by damage to the nervous system (neuropathic pain, see hereunder) or by its abnormal function (dysfunctional pain, like in fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, tension type headache, etc.).[11]  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pain

Nociceptive pain is caused by stimulation of peripheral nerve fibers that respond only to stimuli approaching or exceeding harmful intensity (nociceptors), and may be classified according to the mode of noxious stimulation; the most common categories being “thermal” (heat or cold), “mechanical” (crushing, tearing, etc.) and “chemical” (iodine in a cut, chili powder in the eyes).

Nociceptive pain may also be divided into “visceral,” “deep somatic” and “superficial somatic” pain. Visceral structures are highly sensitive to stretch, ischemia and inflammation, but relatively insensitive to other stimuli that normally evoke pain in other structures, such as burning and cutting. Visceral pain is diffuse, difficult to locate and often referred to a distant, usually superficial, structure. It may be accompanied by nausea and vomiting and may be described as sickening, deep, squeezing, and dull.[15] Deep somatic pain is initiated by stimulation of nociceptors in ligaments, tendons, bones, blood vessels, fasciae and muscles, and is dull, aching, poorly localized pain. Examples include sprains and broken bones. Superficial pain is initiated by activation of nociceptors in the skin or other superficial tissue, and is sharp, well-defined and clearly located. Examples of injuries that produce superficial somatic pain include minor wounds and minor (first degree) burns.[13]

Vic’s pain falls into all of the abovementioned classes. 

Today was a very bad pain day. This morning Vic said “Mommy my body is so sore I cannot cry.  My eyes are just tearing…”

I don’t understand pain.  I have never been seriously ill.  Once every couple of years I may get a cold or flu and then I immediately start moaning and groaning.  I am such a wimp!!  I could never understand tummy-ache.  I have NEVER had tummy ache in my life!  I once said to my friend Marlene that I lie in bed and I try and will my body to “pain” – needless to say it just doesn’t happen that way.  Marlene said there was a certain laxative that she had used that gave her very bad tummy cramps.  I desperately needed to know what my poor baby was experiencing every day.

I bought a packet of the tablets and took one.  (I sleep from half a Disprin).  Emotionally I was prepared to experience the pain, more specifically the tummy ache that my child lived with every day of her life.  Well, I nearly died from pain.  Nothing could ever prepare me for the tearing pain that wracked my body.  I cried, prayed, begged God to let me die… My ordeal lasted maybe 30 minutes…

Vic is so brave.  I know with every fibre in my body that if I was subjected to that type of pain every day of my life I would end my life.

I believe in Euthanasia.  The right to die with dignity. Is “die” the right word?  I think not!   I think a more accurate description would be “the right to stop breathing” because when one is in so much pain you are no longer living – you are only breathing. Will I ever give Vic an extra dose of morphine?  Hell no!!  She wants to live.  She fights to breathe.  She wants to see her boys grow up.

Vic was very emotional today.  Maybe it is just the physical pain.  It breaks my heart when she is sad.  A couple of weeks ago she said to me “Mommy, it makes me so sad to know that no-one will ever love me again.”  Even as a little girl Vic always wanted to be married and be a mommy.  She was three years old when she started playing the “Guess what my baby’s name is going to be when I am big?” game.

This morning Lanie came to visit.  She is truly a breath of fresh air.  She is our biker child.  Last year she bought a Ducati Monster bike.  She lives life to the full.  She is a fun mommy.  On Friday she popped in with the girls for a quick visit.  Tom, her husband, also left work early to visit.  The girls, Kari and Simone, performed a little concert and for a short while we laughed and forgot about the cloud of illness, impending death and excruciating pain that hangs over our home.

The boys are studying so hard!  Hope their exams go well tomorrow!Image