Rose of Kindness Award


Rose of Kindness Award
Rose of Kindness Award

Today I stumbled across an amazing blog.  It is a blog about kindness…. http://kindnessblog.com

Please pop in there.  Let’s all think about “kindness” and make it our goal to perform just one special act of kindness every day!  It has to be a special act of kindness that actually takes an effort.

Vic was a kind and generous person.  Her legacy is one of kindness and generosity.  So I have come up with an award… The Rose of Kindness Award.  I would like to add that we need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someone’s out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because death waits for no-one…  Be kind and gentle.  Cherish your relationships remember to be kind….  Pay it forward!

Rules of the Rose of Kindness Award

  1. Add the Rose of Kindness Award on your blog
  2. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
  3. Nominate 13 (my lucky number) bloggers whose kindness you have experienced
  4. Post why you are nominating each of your nominees
  5. Let the nominees know that you nominated them
  6. Suggest one special act of kindness that the world may benefit from

So I have to nominate some kind people.

  1. My treasured friend, Sandra @ http://thedrsays.org/, who is terminally ill and yet has so much kindness in her heart that she still reaches out to me and other people.  This brave and selfless woman has made a difference in my world.  She worries about her loved ones that she will leave behind.  Thank you dear friend for caring when you have so much to deal with!  You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
  2. http://behindthemaskofabuse.com is a heart wrenching blog about a woman’s life of abuse.  She was raised by a narcissistic father, and a mother who rarely protected her from his verbal, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  She endured molestation, both inside and outside the family setting, raped at the tender age of 11 years old.  This blog is written by an amazing person. A strong person battling recovery, anger and betrayal.   She battles C-PTSD and BDD.  Out of her pain two books were born and are published on Amazon “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”, and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart.” I salute you dear friend for your resilience and kindness.  Out of your hardship a beautiful kind and caring human being was born.  Thank you dear friend for the kindness you have shown!
  3. http://idealisticrebel.wordpress.com/ – Rebel is amazing and takes on the world! A kind and brave blogger who fights to make the world a better place.  Rebel is a kind and generous friend.
  4. http://jmgoyder.com/ – My precious friend Julie who has so much pain and loss to work through.  Julie writes about the love between her and her ailing husband.  It is the most beautiful love story ever!  Julie is kind and caring.  Thank you for your loving kindness dear friend!
  5. http://valeriedavies.com/  A gutsy, wise lady who is a friend and an amazing writer.  Thank you for your love and support.
  6. Judy is my dear friend who has guided me through this abyss of grief that I am walking…http://myjourneysinsight.com  Judy reaches out to grieving parents.  She offers guidance, advice and love.  Thank you dearest Judy for your kindness and friendship. 
  7. Shirley @ http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com is a true warrior, fighting for justice yet always ready to extend a hand of friendship and support.  Shirley taken on the judicial world to bring justice to the unsolved and uncleared and uncared for deaths.  Thank you dear Shirley for your words and actions of kindness.
  8. Len @ http://myownheart.me is a precious friend who always has a kind word of support.  Despite her pain after the tragic loss of her precious Klysta Len reaches out a hand of friendship with words of kindness.  Thank you dear Len
  9. This wonderful woman has 1077 followers and yet she has time to read my blog, comment and encourage.  Her words of advice are filled with compassion and kindness.  Thank you dear Diana http://talktodiana.wordpress.com/
  10. Katie Mitchell who suffers debilitating pain yet this brave young woman has made it her mission in life to educate the world on Connective Tissue disorders.  Vic suffered from Osteogenesis Imperfecta, a connective tissue disorder. Katie is a kind and gentle person –very worthy of this award. http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/treading-water
  11. Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/ is a kind and cherished friend.  I sometimes feel bad because I know I cause him pain because of my grief.  He reaches out wanting to make my life better.  Thank you dear, kind friend.  I know you don’t accept awards anymore so I truly understand if you don’t accept. 
  12. http://kindnessblog.com/  I would be remiss to not award the blog that inspired this action.  Thank you for the goodness you radiate in your blog.  I could not find your name anywhere but I hope you will accept.
  13. Terry @ http://terry1954.wordpress.com/ is a kind blogger who cares for her brother deeply and passionately.  She is a shiny example of how we should treat our fellow human beings and family – with kindness! 
  14. An extra nomination – My beautiful, brave child who radiated goodness and kindness, this award is for you!  You made the world a better place.  I am proud to be your Mommy.  This award photo is of the rose we planted at the front door…I love you angel child.

My suggested act of kindness:  On Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, remember any friends who have lost a parent the previous year, and check in with them.  Those will be tough days.

Lets start a wave of kindness!

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Nelson Mandela’s condition is serious but stable…


 

Photo Credit http://mg.co.za/
Photo Credit http://mg.co.za/

Spokesperson Mac Maharaj said Mandela’s situation was serious but stable.

Maharaj told eNCA on Saturday that doctors had confirmed Mandela was breathing on his own.

“That is a good sign, I think,” Maharaj said.

“This morning at about 1.30am his condition deteriorated and he was transferred to a Pretoria hospital,” presidency spokesperson Mac Maharaj said in a statement.

“He remains in a serious but stable condition.”

Maharaj said doctors were doing everything they could to make Mandela “better and comfortable”.

“President Jacob Zuma, on behalf ofgovernment and the nation, wishes Madiba a speedy recovery and requests the media and the public to respect the privacy of Madiba and his family,” Maharaj said. 

Mandela’s wife, Graca Machel, has been by his side since being admitted tohospital.

On April 6, Mandela was discharged fromhospital after spending nine days receiving treatment for a recurring lung infection. The Nobel Peace Prize laureate has suffered lung ailments before and has been in and out ofhospital.

Regular hospital stays
Early in March, he was admitted to a Pretoria hospital for a scheduled check-up and was discharged the following day.In December last year, Mandela underwent an operation to remove gallstones and treat the recurring lung infection. He was discharged after an 18-day stay and placed under home-based high care at his Houghton home in Johannesburg.

In January, the presidency said Mandela had made a full recovery from surgery and continued to improve. In February last year he was admitted tohospital for a stomach ailment.

At the time, the presidency said Mandela underwent a diagnostic procedure to investigate the cause of a long-standing abdominal complaint.

In January 2011, Mandela was taken to Milpark Hospital for routine tests relating to respiratory problems.

Mandela’s last major public appearance was in July 2010, at the final of the Fifa World Cup at Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg.

 Since then he had spent his time between Johannesburg and his ancestral village of Qunu in the Eastern Cape.  http://www.iol.co.za/news/special-features/nelson-mandela/well-wishes-for-madiba

When the world’s greatest statesman is admitted to a hospital at 1.30 in the morning he is very ill…  If his wife has not left his bedside – he is very ill…  If the doctors are making him comfortable – he is very ill…

Nelson Mandela has a world-class medical team with world-class equipment in his Houghton home…  For him to be admitted to a hospital in the early hours of the morning says it all…

I love and admire Nelson Mandela.  I pray that his suffering will end.  I pray for stability in my country when he dies.  I pray that the lessons he taught the world will be remembered.  I pray that his children and the country will bring honour to his legacy after his passing…

I think an icon’s death may be imminent.

Love you Madiba!

 

 

ALZHEIMER’S – A SPECIAL POEM


The best father in the world...
The best father in the world…

 

My beautiful dad died of Alzheimer’s.  

 This poem is for you Daddy.  You are my hero; the best father in the world.  You loved unconditionally.  you held onto your dignity with superhuman effort….

I was so proud of you.  You clung to your old-fashioned manners and values until death.

I am glad you died with your dignity intact.  I loved you every day of your life and will continue to love you every day of my life.

A special Poem
 
Do not ask me to remember.
Don’t try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you’re with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
 
I’m confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
 
Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different ‘though I try.
 
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ’till my life is done.
 
– Unknown
My Dad a month before his death....it was such a wonderful day!
My Dad a month before his death….it was such a wonderful day!
My dad and I on my wedding day
My dad and I on my wedding day
Simply the best
Simply the best
Vic adored her Gramps and he adored her!
Vic adored her Gramps and he adored her!

IMG_2538 (2)

My hero!
My hero!

“Never Alone”


Kempton Park-20120905-00875

We played “Never Alone” as we carried Vic out of the church to the hearse…”Never Alone” because our love will always enfold you.  We love you so much!!IMG_8396 062

Lady Antebellum – Never Alone Lyrics

“Never Alone”     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

May the angels protect you 

Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You’re never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble,
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You’re never alone

Chorus: Never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

well
I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I’m not gonna promise that the cold winds won’t blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

IMG_8291

24.12.2012
24.12.2012

Another goodbye, another heartbreak…


I had a total meltdown today. Maybe because I heard last night that a couple are adopting baby Izak. Izak is the beautiful 8 month old foster son of Lani and Tom’s. The poor little angel was abandoned as a day-old baby at a taxi-rank.

This precious baby boy stole my heart and proved to me that one little boy can truly change peoples hearts.

But, the time has come for him to be blessed with loving parents in a permanent home. He is one of the lucky few.

We live in a country with hundreds of thousands of orphans and abandoned children. We do not have enough orphanages to accommodate all our orphans and abandoned children. The children continue to live in their shacks or homes after the death of their parents and often the head of the family could be as young as 11 years…

DIscipline is one of the few problems that arises from the situation. Children grow up with no social skills, no education and often suffer brain damage and poor physical development due to malnutrition.

One way or another the communities take care of their own. We seldom hear of a child starving to death or dying from exposure.

Baby Izak was one of the lucky ones to end up in a loving foster home. He looks at his “mommy” with absolute adoration in his soulful eyes. He loves touching my face and is a great hugger!

He is an intelligent, happy baby. He is ahead on all his milestones. His biological mom has AIDS, but thanks to the ARV program of our government Izak is healthy and not HIV positive!

I am sad that he is leaving our family. I am devastated that for the 2nd time this year I have to say goodbye to someone that I love dearly. I pray that he will be loved and be allowed to develop to his full potential. I pray that his new parents will protect him.
On Friday we have to say goodbye to this precious baby. I won’t go! Last Saturday he fell asleep on my lap. I want to remember that. I cannot bear to hold him even one more time just to have to let him go too.

So baby boy, I hope that you will know that I love you. I will always carry the memory of you in my heart. I am grateful that you enriched my life. I will never forget you. I hope you will continue to change peoples lives and perceptions. I know you have the potential to become the president of our beautiful country.

In my heart you are my grandson and will always be.

I love you so much!

nPosted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

What have I done?


I started fiddling on the Appearance etc links and changed the theme of my site!!   I have made booboos and don’t quite know how to fix it….  I have categories in twice – I am not sure whether the colour works!

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo credit: http://www.mediafocus.com/stock-photo-word-idiot-on-keyboard-rs112054183.html
Photo credit: http://www.mediafocus.com/stock-photo-word-idiot-on-keyboard-rs112054183.html

It is Friday again


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Today it is the 14th sad Friday since Vic died.  Will I ever experience a Friday without sadness again?

It is 99 days today… Tomorrow it will be 100 long, tear filled days…

Sweetie, I love you as much as I did the day you stopped breathing.  I miss you more than I could ever have imagined.   I miss your gentleness, your unconditional love, your caring, your friendship and your voice.

 

 

Valentine’s Day killing


Tonight, there are two mothers in South Africa who is in more pain than I am. One mother is the mother of a beautiful young model,  a law school graduate and an entrepreneur committed to empowering women.  Reeva Steenkamp was a celebrity in her own right.  Reeva was one of FHM magazine‘s 100 Sexiest Women in the World for two years running, appeared in international and South African advertisements and was a celebrity contestant on Tropika Island of Treasure filmed in Jamaica. She was also the South African face of Avon cosmetics.

Photo credit: http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/olympics/2013/02/14/reeva-steenkamp-oscar-pistorius-murder/1919001/
Photo credit: http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/olympics/2013/02/14/reeva-steenkamp-oscar-pistorius-murder/1919001/

The second mother is the mother of Oscar Pistorius.  Pistorius made history when he became the first amputee to win a silver medal at the World Athletics Championships in 2011.  The following season he secured two more silver medals, in the men’s individual one-lap sprint and the relay event, at the African Athletics Championships in Benin.  Pistorius again wrote himself into the history books when he became the first amputee to compete on the track at the able-bodied Olympic Games in August 2012.  Pistorius reached the semifinals in the individual 400m event, and also competed in the relay final, with South Africa given a free pass after they were obstructed by the Kenyan team in the heats.  A six-time Paralympic Games gold medallist, the Blade Runner holds the men’s 100m, 200m and 400m world records in the T44 disability class.

Photo Credit:  http://www.google.co.za/imgres?imgurl=http://images.worldnow.com/AP/images/2193637_G.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.cbsatlanta.com/story/21193902/pistorius-involved-in-shooting-at-home-woman-dead&h=238&w=360&sz=12&tbnid=aLVESX2boMLwpM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=121&prev=/search%3Fq%3Doscar%2Bpistorius%2Bgirlfriend%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=oscar+pistorius+girlfriend&usg=__ZkoSVh-KZ6Crr8OVTGPEqy5lBX4=&docid=ncYAlob0NGIuxM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=STQdUaKTCsSJhQeH8YHgAQ&ved=0CEAQ9QEwBA&dur=4471
Photo Credit: http://www.google.co.za/imgres?imgurl=http://images.worldnow.com/AP/images/2193637_G.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.cbsatlanta.com/story/21193902/pistorius-involved-in-shooting-at-home-woman-dead&h=238&w=360&sz=12&tbnid=aLVESX2boMLwpM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=121&prev=/search%3Fq%3Doscar%2Bpistorius%2Bgirlfriend%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=oscar+pistorius+girlfriend&usg=__ZkoSVh-KZ6Crr8OVTGPEqy5lBX4=&docid=ncYAlob0NGIuxM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=STQdUaKTCsSJhQeH8YHgAQ&ved=0CEAQ9QEwBA&dur=4471

At this stage it is unclear whether Reeva snuck into Oscar’s home in the early hours of the morning to surprise him on Valentines Day and was mistaken for a burglar or whether she was cold bloodedly shot by her lover.

Oscar, South Africa’s golden son, is in prison tonight.  Reeva, one of South Africa’s golden daughters, is lying on a cold slab in a mortuary.

In at least two homes mothers are grieving their children.

Whose loss is the greatest?  The mother whose 29-year-old daughter is dead or the mother of the shooter who happens to also be one of the most determined and talented athletes in the world?

I do know I would not change places with either one of them at all!  I know my child suffered long and hard and her remains rest in a little wooden box…but her death was honorable, peaceful and “dignified”.  Her character will not be assassinated in the press or in a court of law… I do not have to worry whether she will spend the rest of her life in prison, whether she will go to bed with a full tummy, safe from other killers and rapists.

Tonight I will pray for the two mommy’s who both lost their children today.

You Will Never Get Over it


Vic as a little girl
Vic as a little girl

I have subscribed to a club…The Grief Club”.  I will share the very first post I read with you.

You Will Never Get Over it

By

Corinne Edwards, Guest Author

 

We had a shocking loss of a young person in the family.  My 21 year old son died in an accident. The next day, a friend came to see us.  His son had been killed by a drunk driver. His words surprised me.  They didn’t sink in until much later.

“You will never get over this.  If you know this in advance, you won’t try.  You will not struggle and condemn yourself for not succeeding.”

He was right.  His words became a consolation.  I stopped trying. That’s why I decided to write this article.  I wanted to share my friend’s words with  you. The old normal is gone.  There’s  a hole in your heart and your being that will never be filled.

I related to so many things the women confided.  I read their stories – did the same things.  I also felt my son around all the time.  I went to psychics to try to contact him.  I even attended a séance. I prayed for messages.  I dreamed about him often. I imagined I saw him in a crowd of people.   I wouldn’t let him go.

One psychic told me that those who have gone on to the other side are allowed to stay around for a while to help and comfort, but they won’t be here forever. I started feeling him less and less.  I dreamed about  him only once in a while.  But  he’s never left my heart.

After a period of intense pain, you’ll be different.  The person you were is gone.  It is an amputation.  Eventually, a new person will emerge.  It will be the new normal. A new life will start to take shape, but the limb you  lost won’t grow back.  You will have something in common with a soldier who bravely runs a marathon despite having a prosthesis for a leg.

As my friend said, you’ll never get over it.

This new person will have a life which includes peace, love  and even laughter, community and new friendships.  It can and will happen in your own time.

I believe there is a tiny gift inherent in every unspeakable tragedy. One is compassion.  I could not have written that article for widows if I hadn’t experienced the grief of losing my husband.  I would not have been able to connect.

Another gift is knowing how to help someone who’s in  extreme pain.

The world doesn’t give you much time.  You hear platitudes like “Life goes on” and “Thank God you have other family.”  They say it as if another person can  replace the one you  lost.  You get about two months to get over it. The truth is, they don’t know what to say.  What they don’t know is that all they need to do is listen.

Part of the gift is giving someone else your time to listen far beyond the window  normally allowed.  You know they have no one to talk to.  You reach out more. You know how important it is to tell the story, over and over.

The sharing of this gift, when you are able, will comfort you. You’ll stop struggling to get over it.  You’ll trust that if you’re  still on this earth, there must be a reason. The new normal person will find that reason.  It may not  exist yet, but every day it becomes more real..

© Corinne Edwards

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com

I have so far to go!  

Owkay mommy I will….


The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.
The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.

It has been a day filled with back to back meetings.  I coped well (I think) and managed to focus.  It was strange not checking my phone every couple of minutes to see whether Vic is okay or not.

I sent the boys’ text messages early evening as the meetings continued into the night.

Me to Jared:  “Hi baby – you okay?”

Jared:  “Hey Oumie.  I’m okay thanks and you?”

Me:  “Missing you”

Jared:  “Missing you too Oumie.  This house feels empty”

Me:  “Will phone later just in a meeting”

Jared: “Owkay Oumie”

Me:  “Sleep tight angel!  Pse wake me so I can see you tomorrow”

Jared “Owkay mommy I will!!! Love you!!! Missing you too Oumie”

Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out…. I could not look up.  I was petrified that that my colleagues would see the tears that formed in my eyes.

These poor boys!  They are stoic in their grief.  They carry on bravely at school and with all their extramural activities.  They are so young to have gone through so much pain and loss.  They lost their childhoods to Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error; they have watched their mother suffer horrific pain, lose her dignity…Yet they witnessed their incredibly beautiful mother fight every second of her life to stay alive…  She showered them with love and taught them independence.  She was strict and her favourite words to them was “I am your Mother not your excuse”

The boys are brave like their warrior mother!  A credit to her!

I wish I could wipe the pain from their hearts and memories.  There is however no Ketamine Infusion for emotional pain, only for physical pain. I wish I could protect them for pain and loss but I cannot.  I must continue with the phenomenal work their mother started in their upbringing.  I must help them to continue growing and individuals on this path Vic put them on…

I miss my child more than I ever thought I would.  I honestly thought, because of the extended “Anticipatory Grief” period, that we went through, the grief would be less after Vic’s death.  That anticipatory grief is however NOTHING compared to the pain we are experiencing 17 days after Vic’s death.  I don’t know whether I will ever get used to this void in my heart.

Will I ever be able to breathe without pain again?  Will I ever sleep again?  Will I ever laugh spontaneously with joy again?

I actually just don’t want to live with this pain…..

I miss you Angle Child!


Vic and her boys...
Vic and her boys…

Today I attended my first serious business meeting in almost three months.  I have really neglected my business.  Fortunately there was the Christmas recess, so it was not too bad.  The series of very important meetings scheduled for the week of the 13th of January was pushed back to the first week in February once I realized that Vic was dying.

I dreaded seeing my (all male) colleagues today.  I have known some of them for 25 years and they all knew of Vic’s precarious health.

I sat in my car outside the building and took deep breaths.  These guys have never known me to show emotion.  I have been stoic throughout Vic’s illness, many operations and setbacks.  I was petrified that I would not be able to contain my grief!

Lots of hugs and pats on the back dispersed with the sympathies…a hushed silence followed me into the boardroom.  With a couple of minutes to spare before the start of the meeting the guys decided to go smoke. 

“It must be a relief for you to not have the responsibility of a sick child any more…” the one said through a cloud of smoke…..

“Yes” said another.  “It has been many years”….

I did not have to dignify the insensitive remarks with a response as one of the female directors came out and hugged me.  “I have no words for you” she said.

We went into the board room and took our seats.  Being our first meeting of the year the normal New Year pleasantries was exchanged.   I coped beautifully.

The meeting began and as soon as I started speaking I could hear a quiver in my voice!  I was mortified!  I shut up as quickly as possible and spent a couple of minutes trying to compose myself without drawing any attention to myself.  Breathe in through my abdomen …exhale!  Breathe in – exhale… My hands were shaking so I clutched my pen tightly!  I put my hands on the boardroom table to steady them.

For years I have NEVER switched off my cell phone in case Vic needed me.  If I was away from home (or even when I was home) I would fall asleep in with my phone in my hand.  24/7 my phone was on.

In a way it was liberating switching my phone off when the meeting started.

When I got home this afternoon I sat reading through my old BBM messages from Vic.

“Vomiting again”

 “Can I phone you Mommy?”

 “Mommy may I have morphine?  I am so sore!”

 “Still vomiting”

 “When will you be home Mommy?”

Tonight the boys went to their dad for dinner.  Danie and I popped in at a friend whose daughter-in-law was paralysed in a motorbike accident on the 8th of December.  Her three beautiful granddaughters seem a little bewildered.  Their mommy is in rehab and their daddy is staying with her 24/7.  My friend became a substitute mommy for the girls.  I have become a substitute mom to the boys again.

It was strange going to dinner – just the two of us.

Last night I covered schoolbooks… tomorrow morning I will take Jon-Daniel to the orthodontist to have his braces removed.  Vic desperately wanted to live for the “event”.  I hope she will be there in spirit.  Tomorrow afternoon Jared and I will go and make an appointment for our motorbike learner licenses!

I am battling to contain my grief.  I am trying to find the time to research “teenage grief”.  How do we know how to treat grieving teenage boys?  What if we make mistakes?  What if we fail Vic and her boys?  I fear I am not spending enough time with the boys.

Life is a mess.

I miss you angel child!

 

Never gone away…


Vic and her boys in healthier days!
Vic and her boys in healthier days!

I have received countless beautiful messages of encouragement, love, compassion and caring on my blog.   Vic read my blog every day.  The last couple of blogs I deleted because even I could read the despair in my words.  Vic was in emotional anguish.  She kept saying “Mommy, I don’t want to die””  or “Mommy, I am so scared”.  She would wake up and cry with fear…

I have not replied to all the messages, but will systematically work my way through it.  I did read the messages of encouragement and support to Vic.  Right up until the end….  Vic loved the support we received.

It may come as a shock, but I am actually a very private person and allow very few people close to me.   Through my blog people have come close to me, reached out and touched my hand and heart and I thank you for it!  Vic often said she wanted to write and thank you all for your love and support.  Sadly she never got to do it.

Over the past 8 months I have laughed and cried with you as you have laughed and cried with me.  Some of you have written Vic beautiful poems and others have dedicated songs.  

Thank you so much for your loving concern.  For allowing us to enter your lives; for your encouragement and support.  I shall continue to blog our survival journey.

Judy Unger  http://myjourneysinsight.com/2013/01/28/never-gone-away/ has on a regular basis written me encouraging emails and shared her beautiful songs with us.  I would like to share this special lady’s one email with you.

Jan 22, 2013

Hi Tersia,

 I am continuing to write to you. You have entered the awful hole. You are now a member of the bereaved mother’s club. No one wants to join this club.

I read your post. The numbness is very bizarre. What purpose is there left to living – where did she go? I remember it all.

I continue to compose and sing. I was stunned when I wrote and recorded my new song “Angel in the Sky” just two weeks ago. Never has such a beautiful song come out of the sky to bless me. It is many years along for me – so I can sing about my angel with sweetness and without pain. I dream of when that time will come for you. For now, close your eyes and think of Angelic Vicky holding you tight.”

This is Judy’s latest song that she dedicated to her son who died 18 years ago.  It is crystal clear that 18 years down the line Judy still mourns her son…  I know in another 18 years I will still be mourning my baby girl’s passing.   Thank you dear Judy for sharing your beautiful song with us.

 
NEVER GONE AWAY
Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger
 
I know that soon you will leave me
how will I ever say goodbye?
there’s so much you’ve left me
I’ll try hard not to cry
and when you’ve left you’ll still be with me
in all the songs I’ll long to play
every time I see a smile
you’ll have never gone away
 
It always seems to me, that whenever I was down
your hand was the one holding mine
but your fingers I’ll let go of now; how I long to hold on
you’ll touch so many others when you’re gone
 
I know that soon you will leave me
how will I ever say goodbye?
there’s so much you’ve left me
I’ll try hard not to cry
when you’ve left you’ll still be with me
in all the songs I’ll long to play
every time I see a smile
you’ll have never gone away
 
Sometimes I will stop and wonder
you’ll know what I am feeling
I’ll hear your laughter in my mind
I’ll remember all our special moments
They’ll run by with a tear
You’ll leave, but in my heart, you’re still here
 
And I know that soon you will leave me
how will I ever say goodbye?
there’s so much you’ve left me
I’ll try hard not to cry
when you’ve left you’ll still be with me
in all the songs I’ll long to play
every time I see a smile
you’ll have never gone away
you’ll have never gone away
http://myjourneysinsight.com/2013/01/28/never-gone-away/

Jan. 23, 2013

Hi Tersia,

 Tersia, what can I say? I read your post. It is unbearable. There are no words. I think every bereaved parent suffers the helplessness of being unable to save his or her baby. Vic is your baby. The horror of her ending will eventually fade, but your opera has begun.

The amputation of a soul – there are no words for it. You will emerge from the fog, you will get through this – and you have already been through so much already. You had goodbyes – something that many bereaved parents long for. But with the goodbyes came god-awful suffering and trauma. How can you let go of that?

I think of the lyrics from my “Angel” song – “My lovely light – just not in sight.” Vic will always light your way now. She is not in sight – but that doesn’t mean she isn’t with you.

I know Vic is with me.  I still smell her, sense her presence and find notes of love everywhere.  Vic will always be the light of my life.  I love and miss you Angel Child!!!

Mommy’s home!


Vicky dripping in pearls...
Vicky dripping in pearls…

It is now 10 days since my beautiful child’s body came to rest… I cannot believe it is already 10 days and on the other hand I am amazed that it is only 10days….

Vic came home today.  She was delivered in a little wooden box.  The plaque simply reads “VICKY BRUCE 31.8.1974 – 18.1.2013”

The boys walked in after archery and Jon-Daniel said “Mommy’s home!”

Tonight the boys went through Vic’s cupboards to make up memory boxes.  We laughed as we shared precious memories.  The boys were selective in what they chose.  Jared wanted one of Vic’s favourite Egypt T-shirts and Jon-Daniel her favourite track suit top… A lipstick and her driver’s licence; a brush each….

We opened her safe and in Vicky style everything was labeled and marked….

Her first pearls that she received as a little girl from my brother and his wife had a little note in the box…”Received from Johan and Henda when I was their bridesmaid.  I would like them to have it back.  I love you more than words.  Johan you were always my hero!    Henda you are amazing”

A note attached to two sets of earrings “For my boys from Mommy.  These were from you”

Pink and white pearls labeled – “Received from Mommy and Daddy.  Thank you for always loving me so much.  I give these back to you now.”

My heart is shattered.  I want to die.