Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one… Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.
“Time is very slow for those who wait;
very fast for those who are scared;
very long for those who lament;
very short for those who celebrate; but for those who love, time is eternal.”
It is Friday again. I hate Fridays. A mere 176 days ago my precious child died. It seems as if it has been a lifetime. It makes more sense when I say Vic died 4234 hours ago…
Thank you Kate Swaffer! Kate blogs about the critical issues that impact on a person living with a diagnosis of dementia and their loved ones. Kate is inspirational, motivated and positive.
I came to Chaka’s Rock with the intention of scattering some of Vic’s ashes here. The rest we would bury in her Angel Garden at home.
When we arrived we went shopping and came back with beautiful flowers. Vic’s photo and ashes are in the dining room that has a beautiful view of the ocean. Her flowers next to her…
Somehow I have just not been able to make my way down to the beach with Vic’s ashes. I know that I will receive a sign from her that this is what she wants… When a white feather finds me I will know it is the right time and place.
Vic and I often spoke about what to do with her ashes.
“Mommy, you can decide what to do with my ashes…”
“What would you want me to do with your ashes Angel?” I would ask
“You can decide Mommy. You can put me in the Wall of Remembrance with my Father if you want?” Vic would reply
“Maybe we will just make a memorial garden for you and keep you with us…” I would say
“Oh, that would be good Mommy!” Vic would say “That is what I would do for you…”
I am glad the day is over. I am grateful that I am one day closer to being reunited with my precious child.
Tonight I fulfilled one more of Vic’s wishes.
Twenty five years ago Vic was the bridesmaid at my brother and sister-in-laws wedding. She looked beautiful in a real grown-up pink dress… They gave her a string of perfect little pearls which she treasured and wore on very special occasions.
After Vic died I came across the string of pearls with a little note.
The note read: “25 years ago Johan and Henda gave me these because I was their bridesmaid. I would like to now return it to them…”
She wrote them a note telling them how much she loved them. She told my brother that he was her hero. She told my sister-in-law that she was amazing….
This was my song for Vic. I played it for her all the time. We spoke about the words and the meaning of the words.
Today it is 21 weeks since I have been able to touch my child, hold her, brush her hair. I know that she is around me, but I feel so alone without her. Vic was my dearest friend, my companion, my daughter, my soul mate.
Yes, Vic is in my heart. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of her, miss her…. But I really want her to be with me. When will this pain end? When will I come to terms with the fact that I am alone now.
Yes, I know I am surrounded by people who love me…I know they are worried about me… But nobody can fill the void that Vic’s death has left.
I feel alone even when I am surrounded by lots of people, family….
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this thing called “grief”. This devastating sorrow.
This weekend I will work in the garden and start preparing Vic’s Angel Garden. I don’t want my child in a friggin garden – I want her in my home. I want her sneaking up behind me and kissing me on the cheek. I want to hear her voice saying “I love you Mommy”. I want to tell her how much I love her.
I want to hear her talking to her boys. Telling them she loves them the “mostest in the world”; reminding them to brush their teeth
I don’t want to feel this sorrow and pain. I want to be happy again.
On the 17th of May 2012 I posted this. It was my first blog post ever. I was however something I had written ion the 27th of November 2003
How could I ever think that I want my child back? It is over. Vic is at peace and pain free. The pain has transferred to me…
My dearest child
My heart breaks when I look at you. Your eyes reflect your fear, acceptance of the inevitable, rebellion and pain. The morphine dulls your dark eyes…
It is so difficult seeing you in so much pain…the times when you are bent double from pain. My heart breaks when I see how you are still trying to care for your family. If only the boys knew how many tears it takes to make a sandwich…Many a time when you are sobbing from pain I see the boys pretending to sleep – as if shutting their eyes can block out your sobs… I see the helplessness in Colin’s eyes when he looks at you. It is soul destroying!!!
It is at times like this that I cry out “How much longer God? When will her suffering end?” But then I look at the Christmas tree and the Christmas lights and beg “Just one more Christmas please God!”
With the obstruction I fear that you will not make it. The morphine aggravates the situation! When will you develop another fistula? It is only a matter of time. How time do we have left?
I wish I could just hold you and protect you against the pain and death. If it was a bullet I would take it for you but how do I protect you against your own body? How can your body betray you like this?
In my mind’s eye I see you lying on a bed, strapped in,poison flowing through your veins… You are dying
Yesterday morning I teared up – again. Danie asked “And now? What’s wrong?”
“Just missing Vic” I said
“Shame” he said with sadness in his voice. “I miss her too”
We spoke about how my grief had changed over the past four months. Today it is exactly four months since my precious child died. I keep using the words “death and died” and not the gentler “passed”… I do that because death is harsh. My child DIED, she is DEAD. My pain is as real as it was 4 months ago. My grief is however no longer as transparent as it was to the world.
Four months ago when Vic died my body physically hurt. My heart was physically aching. The pain was new. Now my grief is in me, part of me as if it is a limb or organ… My grief is hidden from the world. If I did not tell you, you would never know.
To the world – I seem to have adjusted to the loss of my child. I am “functioning, smiling, carrying on with life”… People are so relieved that they no longer have to cope with my raw grief…
“I never knew my mind could be dominated by a single thought every day for years and still not get in the way of the progress of my life. The hands on the clock continue to turn, and the sunrises every morning.
Even though the grief is not on the surface, the missing is as strong as it ever was. We can’t explain it, but we want to share it. We might not break down, but the strength of the grief never fades.”
We just keep on living with it and do the best we are able to do.”
I miss Vic more today than I did four months ago. I keep looking at photographs of the past couple of years so I can REMEMBER her suffering; I re-read my blog to REMEMBER her suffering; I keep trying to find solace in the fact that she is pain-free. It is becoming more difficult to see the positive side of Vic’s death. My mind is blocking out the horror of her suffering! I am remembering the good times only.
I hear you say “It is good” No, It is not good! If I forget her suffering I will never accept the “need for her to die” element of Vic’s death.
The night that haunts my sister
My sister shared her heartbreak with me…She said that one night when she slept with Vic she woke up to hear Vic talking to me. She said Vic was crying and saying “Mommy I am so sore. I can’t do this anymore” Lorraine said she kept her eyes shut and pretended to sleep because she could not deal with the moment… Why am I forgetting?????? On the 13th of November I posted “Will my poor baby’s hell ever end? If there is a lesson to be learnt PLEASE God show me what it is so I can learn it!! This has come to an end!” https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/13/signposts-for-dying/
I want my child back with me. I want to hold her, tell her I love her. I want to hear her footsteps in the passage; I want to hear her voice…
Today, the 12th of May 2013, is my first Mother’s Day in 38 years without my precious Vicky.
I attended my sister’s birthday party. I smiled and participated in her birthday and Mother’s Day celebrations. I know that worldwide millions of other mothers joined me today in quietly reflecting on our grief and sadness.
I know that the family and especially Danie were worried about how I will handle Mother’s Day. On Friday morning Danie asked whether he could get me flowers for Mother’s Day as he has done for the past 22 years. I declined.
I know that even though today is dedicated to mothers, entire families will be affected. Fathers too experience grief and yet the world seems to forget about them. Maybe it is because men are so stoic in their grief.
I saw this on a Facebook site – Grieving Mothers, and it really shook me…
I know that Danie is grieving for Vic. He is grieving with the boys and me. He is grieving for us. I know he fears that he lost part of me….
Today I share Mother’s Day with my fellow club members – the grieving mothers of the world. Tonight I will reread 30 odd Mother’s Day Cards and drawings that I received from my precious child over the years. I will cry on my own. I will burn candles for my child and for the moms of Henry, Tommy, Raymond, Phillip, Klysta,Jason, Alex, Matthew, Caitlyn, Morgan, “B”, Jason David, James, Jesse, Steven, Graham, … I will weep for my beautiful grandsons who did not have a mommy to wish a “Happy Mother’s Day” today… I will mourn my Mom – a woman of great strength, beauty and love.
Yet I am filled with gratitude and love for my stepchildren and grandchildren; the messages of love and support that started coming through from friends, family, Vic’s friends and even the boys friends mothers…
My phone started pinging early this morning. I ignored the pings. Danie sneaked into my TV lounge where I was sleeping on the sofa. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. Then my phone rang, and I could not ignore the call… It was Lee-Ann. She said “HI T, I am just phoning to tell you I love you…” I burst into hysterical tears. Poor lee!
Danie brought me letters that the boys had written me… Jared wrote “Dear Oumie, I know we don’t have a reason to celebrate mothers day, other than to remember Mom and all she meant to us. So I have decided that we are changing the name to Oumie’s Day. We got you a sign that says “HOME” . That is because this is OUR home, and it always will be.”
Jon-Daniel wrote: “Happy Mothers Day Oumie” It may not be the happiest time of the year for you. Although your very own child is up in Heaven, you have GRANDchildren. Nothing will ever fill the gap – Mommy’s gap! This is the first year you will be celebrating Mother’s Day without the One who made you a Mommy. It is difficult,you must know I am always here. After all you are our grandmother. The word says it all, “grand” – great, awesome, amazing. And “Mother” – well, no need to describe that. Everybody knows how special a mommy is.”
Henk, second eldest grandson wrote “Ouma, it was a difficult year but you are always here to help and love. You always have a smile no matter how bad things are for you. We are grateful for it, and that is why we love you so much and always will do.”
Yesterday little Simone put her arms around me and said “Thank you for being my Ouma. Thank you for spoiling us. I love you very much. My words are your Mothers Day present.”
I have had beautiful messages of love and caring from all my stepchildren. It has truly filled me with joy.
I also read a card that Vic gave me in 2000 “We have all changed a lot through the years Mommy but one thing will never change – and that is the love between us. It is a special bond that keeps us close no matter where we are. I love you more than words can say.”
I know that today my precious child and Mom are celebrating Mother’s Day together. I am grateful for all the years we were able to celebrate together. I love you and honour you both today. Two amazing mommy’s…
I have flu. I get ill once in 5 years and I am a ninny. I do not handle pain and discomfort well… I whinge, moan and groan until I am better…
This time I have embraced my flu. I can stay in bed and there is no pressure for me to get up…. I can just lie in bed with my eyes closed and it is okay! For the first time since my precious child died I don’t have to communicate, talk or pretend. I can just be sick!!!! I have spent four days in bed not having to talk, smile or pretend….
I am sick to the core of my soul – not only from the flu but from heartbreak. I was able to feel the loneliness and emptiness that permeates my life since Vic died. For four days I have not had to smile or live – I could lie in bed and hope to die.
There are days that I really do cope. There are days that I am able to smile and laugh. Most of the time I live a lie…
I have made peace with the fact that my precious child’s suffering is over. I know that never again will she fracture vertebrae from vomiting, scream from pain, whimper because she does not have the strength to scream… But all I have done is learnt to accept that Vic was amputated from my life. I still have to learn to live without the amputated part of my body; the pain of the missing part of me continues to taunt me…
I miss my child so much! I want to love and hold her. I wish I could have protected her from the ravages of Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error! No, I don’t have guilt…I did everything I possibly could for my baby girl. I just desperately miss her! I miss her company.
I am hoping that the pain will pass…I do remember the beauty of my precious Vic all the time. The wonderful mother and daughter that she was; kind and gentle; incapable of malice…Her beauty will remain with us for ever.
Tomorrow I will get out of bed and carry on living.
I am finding it difficult to see what I am typing. My dear friend Dennis McHale posted this beautiful poem as ‘n tribute to Vic. I am touched that this talented man would take the time to do this. Dennis has been such a great friend. http://dlmchale.com/2013/05/02/in-memory-of-vicky/
Today has been such a mixed day. I have been filled with the deepest sadness and sorrow and yet I have felt at peace that Vic’s suffering is over. I miss her terribly.
I am feeling flu-ish and fell asleep on the sofa. Jon-Daniel covered me with a blanket, and I woke when he gently kissed me on the forehead. The way his mommy used too…
I want my child back! It is too hard trying to live without her.
Dennis thank-you for your beautiful words. Thank you for your love and support over the past year. I am too teary to write so I shall post this beautiful poem for the world to read and enjoy.
I love you my Angel Child. You have touched people all over the world.
This poem is dedicated to my dear friend “tersiaburger” In memory of her beloved daughter, Vicky.
——————————————————————-
You and I
are touched by one star.
Wherever you are
we stand together in one light
which no depth or height or distance
can ever dim.
Wherever you are
your light shines;
past time and space
past flesh to thought,
I feel your power.
Wherever you go
the day will dawn
and the star will appear;
for you are a child of this light
and it fosters your heavenly dreams.
In this light, I have found ways
to heal, to bind up,
to tear down the feeble structures
of fear of your absence has
carelessly constructed within me.
You and I
are touched by one star.
In its glowing embrace
we find our true selves;
we find our peace.
Today I may stand alone,
missing you with all my heart
be I stand strong.
Through the corridors of our courage
you have helped me to
discover those eternal lines
of love within myself;
my birthright discovered because
I found this wonderfully talented poet blog when I was reading some Freshly Pressed blogs. This woman is a member of the “My Child is Dead” club too. When I read these words they echoed through my soul. I am hoping that I will feel whole again…I don’t yet.
I miss my child!!!!!
Today it is the 14th sad Friday since Vic died. Will I ever experience a Friday without sadness again?
It is 99 days today… Tomorrow it will be 100 long, tear filled days…
Sweetie, I love you as much as I did the day you stopped breathing. I miss you more than I could ever have imagined. I miss your gentleness, your unconditional love, your caring, your friendship and your voice.
Today was a particularly bad day. For the first time since Vic’s memorial service I attended a Church Service. I dreaded the arms of comfort and gentle words of sympathy that was inevitable. Danie went with me. As we walked into the doors the arms were there…hugging and patting! Our entry caused a little stir among the congregation..
Danie took my hand and led me to our old place in the pews. People actually got up from where they were sitting to come and say “Hello” and “I am praying for you”…. Tears just ran down my cheeks and I COULD NOT stop crying! All I could see in my mind’s eye was my beautiful, precious child’s coffin in the front on the church – surrounded by white candles and St Josephs lilies.
The worship team started singing, and I could not even see the words on the screen through my tears.
As the service went I calmed down. I kept telling myself to “get a grip” which I eventually did.
After the service I cried in the embrace of my minister, church friends and acquaintances.
This evening I opened my emails and found a beautiful email from Jane@ http://johannisthinking.com/. I wanted to post some of it with the beautiful picture and went into her blog to copy her blog address when I found this amazing poem that I am going to share with you.
Jane’s writes in her Email:-
You are NOT alone—-there is LIGHT all around YOU! When I found this…I thought….Yes, this is Tersia! …and your daughter is surrounding YOU with love and light! BELIEVE it!You deserve to live in the LIGHT…..and it is NOT wrong to be happy….Vic is at peace and living in the LIGHT……and one day you will find her again…….until then…be gentle to YOU…..what would you tell her to do IF the situation was reversed? What if you were the ONE who had to leave this Mother Earth ? What would you say to your daughter? You say you “two are ONE”—-and I do believe it is true——— so speak to your inner child as you would speak to her! WE ALL NEED YOUR VOICE!
I cried again. I am so grateful that the goodness and the light that surrounded Vic and radiated from her, is seen by the world. Thank you dear Jane for telling me. Thank you for your words, your poetry and above all the Angel of Light. Thank you for caring!!
Dedicated to Tersia Burger***between the deep sighstears fall one by one
ridding the pitchblende
ever so slowly they formquietly…silentlydescendwater tearscascading
will they ever endwater crystal healersnature taking care of youhelping you transcendfreeing youuntil…you find yourselfhome again…
ice-kaleidoscope (Photo credit: JeremyO\K)
So, today was emotional but healing! I was surrounded by love and compassion. For the first time in a long time I did not feel isolated in my grief.
So to every one who comments and emails; I thank you for your love and support in my journey of mourning my child. For many years I have had a fear of allowing people close to me – I truly fear that they will betray my trust and friendship. I KNOW I must allow people close
to me. Blogging is allowing me see that there is kindness, goodness and unconditional caring out there….
Vic's Final Journey 