Mother – Page 2 – Vic's Final Journey

now and forever

Today at times I felt as if I was suffocating. It felt as if the grief had grabbed me by the throat and was strangling life out of me. My heart physically ached.

In the infamous words of Queen Elizabeth 11 “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

Vic was an only child. I spent the first 16 years of her life dedicated to Vic and only Vic. Vic’s dad and I separated early in our marriage. Even in the years that we were married he studied part-time and only got home from University after 10 at night. Weekends – well that was busy…

When Vic was 16 I married Danie. He became her dad and she embraced the fact that she now had siblings. Danie loved Vic with the same pure unconditional love that she had for her boys. Vic admired, respected and loved Danie for the wonderful dad that he was to her.

Tonight I cannot help but think and remember all the love and nurturing that went into Vic’s life, caring for her, raising her, nursing her when she was sick and taking her to the doctors, teaching her all the things she needed to know to keep her safe in this crazy world, teaching her the art of shopping, watching her get married, fall pregnant – twice, survive 81 abdominal surgeries, fighting for her life every single day. I loved the mother that Vic was. Caring and nurturing.

Tonight I remember Vic’s trademark – getting dressed in clothes every day before the boys came home from school, waking up to see them off to school every morning, arranging a party if she had one ounce of strength left! Vic appreciated seeing the light of day, getting out of bed, seeing the faces of her children. Every day she breathed was a day that mattered to her. Every day she used to make memories with her sons, family and friends.

Every day was one more than she had the day before.

She loved driving her little car. (Vic was a terrible driver!). Vic was the take-out queen. She LOVED take-outs! The last meal she ate was a bit of a Steers hamburger….

Vic was a good, honest, compassionate, caring person who loved loyally and deeply! She was strong-willed and fought for what she wanted. She did not tolerate disloyalty in any form.

Vic toured Egypt in a wheelchair and with a cane! Her biggest wish was to attend Jon-Daniel’s honours evening (4 days before she died) and to travel to Italy.

Vic was brave! She NEVER complained. She accepted that pain was part of her life; that being ill was her life. She seldom questioned the cards she was dealt. She accepted her life stoically.

I KNOW how hard it was for Vic to get out of bed. I know how easy it would have been for her to curl up and die very early in her life. She held on to life until the bitter end because giving up was not an option!

I thought I was well prepared for this period in my life. I prayed so long that God would release her tortured little body from the hell she lived every day. I spent years waiting and wondering how it will be. I have been told that I, of all people, should have been prepared for her death. After all I lived with my child’s terminal diagnosis for 10 years.

The short and the tall of the matter is that there is no way to be prepared. Researching the stages of death, the grieving process and even preparing her memorial service’s PowerPoint Presentation, in anticipation, could not prepare me for the pain that struck the second that my child died..

When I heard Vic’s breathing change I knew she was going. I knew that within minutes my child would be dead… Yet in the end, her death was still a terrible shock to me. How did it happen so quickly?

How do I go on?

Just as there are only some people we can really talk to about our children while they are alive, it seems that there are only a few people we can talk to about them once they have died.

When you lose a child you lose so much more that you may have been prepared to lose. I have lost my identity as a mom. I am no longer a Mommy. I may be a back-up mom to four wonderful young people who love me dearly, unconditionally and deeply but I am no longer a “real Mommy”. Mother’s Day will come and go…The four kids will celebrate the women who gave birth to them. The boys will not have a mom to buy a gift for and I will not have a child to wish me. I do know everyone will try very hard to make it easier for me. But Vic will not be here to wish me a happy Mother’s Day.

I have a hole in my heart. My heart physically aches. I want to die.

Tonight, 21 days after my baby girl’s death I remember a love and bond that was beyond description. I will continue to breathe; I will honour my promises to my child; I will bring up her beautiful boys; I will cherish her memories; I will grieve for my child. She was worthy of my love – she is worthy of my tears.

Sweetie I love you now and forever.

My Mom is a Survivor

This poem may have been written by my precious Vic….

She used to worry so about me surviving her death. Our domestic helper has worked for me for the past 18 years. Bettie is part of the family. Over the years we have shared tears for our children…

Bettie went on her annual leave on the 18th of December 2012. She tells me that Vic asked her to keep an eye on me, after her passing, as she would not see Bettie again…

Vic knew she was dying. I knew she was dying. I prayed for her to die! Why is it so hard now. I want to scream my anger and pain…I want to lash out at someone and just punch them…

Bettie returned just in time for Vic’s memorial service.

My Mom is a Survivor
My mom is a survivor,
or so I’ve heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven’s open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
knows it’s her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven’s open door…
I try to tell her that
Angel protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn’t help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.
So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won’t ever heal.
~K. D’Ormeaux

Owkay mommy I will….

The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.

It has been a day filled with back to back meetings. I coped well (I think) and managed to focus. It was strange not checking my phone every couple of minutes to see whether Vic is okay or not.

I sent the boys’ text messages early evening as the meetings continued into the night.

Me to Jared: “Hi baby – you okay?”

Jared: “Hey Oumie. I’m okay thanks and you?”

Me: “Missing you”

Jared: “Missing you too Oumie. This house feels empty”

Me: “Will phone later just in a meeting”

Jared: “Owkay Oumie”

Me: “Sleep tight angel! Pse wake me so I can see you tomorrow”

Jared “Owkay mommy I will!!! Love you!!! Missing you too Oumie”

Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out…. I could not look up. I was petrified that that my colleagues would see the tears that formed in my eyes.

These poor boys! They are stoic in their grief. They carry on bravely at school and with all their extramural activities. They are so young to have gone through so much pain and loss. They lost their childhoods to Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error; they have watched their mother suffer horrific pain, lose her dignity…Yet they witnessed their incredibly beautiful mother fight every second of her life to stay alive… She showered them with love and taught them independence. She was strict and her favourite words to them was “I am your Mother not your excuse”

The boys are brave like their warrior mother! A credit to her!

I wish I could wipe the pain from their hearts and memories. There is however no Ketamine Infusion for emotional pain, only for physical pain. I wish I could protect them for pain and loss but I cannot. I must continue with the phenomenal work their mother started in their upbringing. I must help them to continue growing and individuals on this path Vic put them on…

I miss my child more than I ever thought I would. I honestly thought, because of the extended “Anticipatory Grief” period, that we went through, the grief would be less after Vic’s death. That anticipatory grief is however NOTHING compared to the pain we are experiencing 17 days after Vic’s death. I don’t know whether I will ever get used to this void in my heart.

Will I ever be able to breathe without pain again? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever laugh spontaneously with joy again?

I actually just don’t want to live with this pain…..

I miss you Angle Child!

Today I attended my first serious business meeting in almost three months. I have really neglected my business. Fortunately there was the Christmas recess, so it was not too bad. The series of very important meetings scheduled for the week of the 13^th of January was pushed back to the first week in February once I realized that Vic was dying.

I dreaded seeing my (all male) colleagues today. I have known some of them for 25 years and they all knew of Vic’s precarious health.

I sat in my car outside the building and took deep breaths. These guys have never known me to show emotion. I have been stoic throughout Vic’s illness, many operations and setbacks. I was petrified that I would not be able to contain my grief!

Lots of hugs and pats on the back dispersed with the sympathies…a hushed silence followed me into the boardroom. With a couple of minutes to spare before the start of the meeting the guys decided to go smoke.

“It must be a relief for you to not have the responsibility of a sick child any more…” the one said through a cloud of smoke…..

“Yes” said another. “It has been many years”….

I did not have to dignify the insensitive remarks with a response as one of the female directors came out and hugged me. “I have no words for you” she said.

We went into the board room and took our seats. Being our first meeting of the year the normal New Year pleasantries was exchanged. I coped beautifully.

The meeting began and as soon as I started speaking I could hear a quiver in my voice! I was mortified! I shut up as quickly as possible and spent a couple of minutes trying to compose myself without drawing any attention to myself. Breathe in through my abdomen …exhale! Breathe in – exhale… My hands were shaking so I clutched my pen tightly! I put my hands on the boardroom table to steady them.

For years I have NEVER switched off my cell phone in case Vic needed me. If I was away from home (or even when I was home) I would fall asleep in with my phone in my hand. 24/7 my phone was on.

In a way it was liberating switching my phone off when the meeting started.

When I got home this afternoon I sat reading through my old BBM messages from Vic.

“Vomiting again”

“Can I phone you Mommy?”

“Mommy may I have morphine? I am so sore!”

“Still vomiting”

“When will you be home Mommy?”

Tonight the boys went to their dad for dinner. Danie and I popped in at a friend whose daughter-in-law was paralysed in a motorbike accident on the 8^th of December. Her three beautiful granddaughters seem a little bewildered. Their mommy is in rehab and their daddy is staying with her 24/7. My friend became a substitute mommy for the girls. I have become a substitute mom to the boys again.

It was strange going to dinner – just the two of us.

Last night I covered schoolbooks… tomorrow morning I will take Jon-Daniel to the orthodontist to have his braces removed. Vic desperately wanted to live for the “event”. I hope she will be there in spirit. Tomorrow afternoon Jared and I will go and make an appointment for our motorbike learner licenses!

I am battling to contain my grief. I am trying to find the time to research “teenage grief”. How do we know how to treat grieving teenage boys? What if we make mistakes? What if we fail Vic and her boys? I fear I am not spending enough time with the boys.

Life is a mess.

I miss you angel child!

Never gone away…

I have received countless beautiful messages of encouragement, love, compassion and caring on my blog. Vic read my blog every day. The last couple of blogs I deleted because even I could read the despair in my words. Vic was in emotional anguish. She kept saying “Mommy, I don’t want to die”” or “Mommy, I am so scared”. She would wake up and cry with fear…

I have not replied to all the messages, but will systematically work my way through it. I did read the messages of encouragement and support to Vic. Right up until the end…. Vic loved the support we received.

It may come as a shock, but I am actually a very private person and allow very few people close to me. Through my blog people have come close to me, reached out and touched my hand and heart and I thank you for it! Vic often said she wanted to write and thank you all for your love and support. Sadly she never got to do it.

Over the past 8 months I have laughed and cried with you as you have laughed and cried with me. Some of you have written Vic beautiful poems and others have dedicated songs.

Thank you so much for your loving concern. For allowing us to enter your lives; for your encouragement and support. I shall continue to blog our survival journey.

Judy Unger http://myjourneysinsight.com/2013/01/28/never-gone-away/ has on a regular basis written me encouraging emails and shared her beautiful songs with us. I would like to share this special lady’s one email with you.

Jan 22, 2013

Hi Tersia,

I am continuing to write to you. You have entered the awful hole. You are now a member of the bereaved mother’s club. No one wants to join this club.

I read your post. The numbness is very bizarre. What purpose is there left to living – where did she go? I remember it all.

I continue to compose and sing. I was stunned when I wrote and recorded my new song “Angel in the Sky” just two weeks ago. Never has such a beautiful song come out of the sky to bless me. It is many years along for me – so I can sing about my angel with sweetness and without pain. I dream of when that time will come for you. For now, close your eyes and think of Angelic Vicky holding you tight.”

This is Judy’s latest song that she dedicated to her son who died 18 years ago. It is crystal clear that 18 years down the line Judy still mourns her son… I know in another 18 years I will still be mourning my baby girl’s passing. Thank you dear Judy for sharing your beautiful song with us.

NEVER GONE AWAY

I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

and when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

It always seems to me, that whenever I was down

your hand was the one holding mine

but your fingers I’ll let go of now; how I long to hold on

you’ll touch so many others when you’re gone

I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

Sometimes I will stop and wonder

you’ll know what I am feeling

I’ll hear your laughter in my mind

I’ll remember all our special moments

They’ll run by with a tear

You’ll leave, but in my heart, you’re still here

And I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

http://myjourneysinsight.com/2013/01/28/never-gone-away/

–

Jan. 23, 2013

Hi Tersia,

Tersia, what can I say? I read your post. It is unbearable. There are no words. I think every bereaved parent suffers the helplessness of being unable to save his or her baby. Vic is your baby. The horror of her ending will eventually fade, but your opera has begun.

The amputation of a soul – there are no words for it. You will emerge from the fog, you will get through this – and you have already been through so much already. You had goodbyes – something that many bereaved parents long for. But with the goodbyes came god-awful suffering and trauma. How can you let go of that?

I think of the lyrics from my “Angel” song – “My lovely light – just not in sight.” Vic will always light your way now. She is not in sight – but that doesn’t mean she isn’t with you.

I know Vic is with me. I still smell her, sense her presence and find notes of love everywhere. Vic will always be the light of my life. I love and miss you Angel Child!!!

Rest in Peace My Angle Child 22.1.2013

Where do I start? How do I begin a farewell when I still can’t believe you’re gone? How do I say goodbye to a part of my soul?

The day you were born I experienced this UNBELIEVABLE rush of love. I was smitten from the first second I lay eyes on you.

You came into my life and changed me forever. Over the years people have complimented me for being a good mother but I truly cannot take credit for that. You were born good, and great and amazing. You were the one who taught me lessons in life. I believe you are an angel God sent to teach me.

You taught me love. You taught me honesty. You taught me to love unconditionally. You taught me how to forgive and how to be strong. You are the strongest person I have ever known. You gave me strength when I was weak. When times were sad and tough you reminded me to be grateful for the small things in life. You taught me how to be myself. Most of all you taught me about life and how to live.

When you were diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at the age of 18 months and the doctors told me I should wrap you in cotton wool and wait for you to die you taught me it was more important to feel and grow like any other child than to have me hide you under my wing. It was so important to you to live. And that you did. You gave birth to not one beautiful baby but two! You mothered the boys the way you lived life – with a passion.

You are the bravest person in the world. You rewrote medical history. You defied death for so many years… You mocked bad news and a poor prognosis…

You made me so proud. You have always been my greatest pride and joy. At school you excelled as a pianist. As a mommy you were an example to all. As a dying person you were brave beyond words.

I’m not sure how I can live this life without you. You worried about me just as much as I worried about you. You told everyone how worried you were that I would not cope without you. You fought so hard to stay alive. You fought until you gave your very last breath. You did not want to leave your boys. You lived for your boys.

You often said you were scared people would forget you…

No-one will ever forget you. You made an incredible impact on the world. You left two monuments of your love and mothering skills. Your sons will honour you every day of their lives with their actions.

Your dream of a Hospice for Alberton has been realised in Stepping Stone. Thousands of people will benefit from your dream and compassion in years to come. It is ironic that you were Stepping Stone’s first death…

Two weeks before your passing you started seeing angels. You saw Gramps, Uncle Dries, your father and Auntie Marlene. Then a week before your passing you said “My whole room is full of angels” You fought to stay alive every single day of your life. Eleven months ago you called a family meeting and told us that you had decided enough is enough. No more surgeries. No more hospitals.

Over the past 11 months you made your final wishes known. You planned your memorial service. You spoke to the boys about what was important. I personally got a long list of do’s and don’t’s.

Just before Christmas you said you were worried about me. That you could see I thought you would bounce back again…You said you were dying…You could feel the changes in your body. But like 95% of the people in this church today I honestly though you would bounce back and defy death once again!

The day you were born you filled my entire life. You were always my first and last thought. I feel numb and as if I am in a bubble. You will be happy to know that we have been surrounded by love and support. But it still feels as if the world should have stopped because you left it.

Vic, I miss you so much already and I don’t know if I can take this pain anymore. But then I think, how can I be sad when I know you’re in a better place? How can I be sad when you brought me so much happiness? How can I be sad when God is already working miracles through you? How can I be sad when I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have been chosen to be your mother? How can I be sad when God gave you to me for 14,019 days, 20 hours and 15 minutes? I thank God every day for the time we shared together.

Baby I promise you today we will be the support system for the boys you wanted. We love them so much. No-one in the world can ever take your place. We promise we will keep your memories alive. We will honour our promises to you.

So now we must bid you farewell. It is your time to run, free from pain and suffering. We will always love you. We will never forget you.

Rest in Peace my Angel Child.

Gramps was here…..

Monday 7.1.2013 was a crazy day. Vic was not in a good space.

Angela, Vic’s BFF came to visit. She is not only beautiful but also a calm and serene person. She radiates goodness. Angela being here gives me some time because I really trust her. I am able to get some essential chores done knowing that she is keeping an eye on Vic.

“Gramps was here” Vic said.

“How is he?” I asked

“I don’t know. He just came to tell me how much he loves us all…” Vic replied

My Dad forgot how to breathe on the 15^th of May 2011. He died in our home (in the very same room as Vic) surrounded by his beloved family. At times he was a stranger in the world. Some days he woke up in a room he could not remember from one nap to the next, lived with “strangers” and thought I was my Mom. Despite the advanced Alzheimer’s, he never forgot who Vic was and that she was ill. At times he forgot whether she was in hospital or out but he never forgot her or that she was ill.

“He has come to take you by your hand Sweetie…” I said

“I KNOW Mommy” she said impatiently.

Lee, Jared’s BFF mom popped around with a huge basket of exquisite flowers. Of course, Vic immediately got a bee in her bonnet and had to get out of bed. Always the social animal!

Esther arrived and Vic burst into tears when she saw her sister.

“I am so scared Sis” Vic cried in her sisters arms.

Esther has become Vic’s “coach”. She has the love for Vic to ask her what is holding her back; she tells Vic to run towards the light; to let go – the boys are safe are cared for. She holds Vic and dries her tears….

Danie took the boys for a haircut and new school uniforms.

In the afternoon Joanna, one the Jon-Daniel’s primary school friends’ Mom, popped in for a visit. It was touching when she spoke with Vic and apologized for coming to visit too late. Vic was sleeping and not aware of the visit. Joanna left with tears streaming down her cheeks. She left a little gift for Vic

“I wrote your name in the sand

But the waves blew it away

Then I wrote it in the sky

But the wind blew it away

So I wrote it in my heart

And that’s where it will stay.”

Siza arrived and told me that Sue would be in tomorrow morning to assess Vic. She said Vic’s colour is very poor and the circulation in her legs bad. Siza is of the opinion that the most humane thing to do for Vic would be to sedate her… Her body is building up so much adrenalin fighting death that it is preventing her from dying – despite the organ failure.

I am torn. My poor child’s anguish and pain sears through every nerve ending in my body. Not only mine but also the rest of the family’s…..I want the emotional side of her journey to end. But when I think that I will never hear her voice again, that I will never hear her cry and plead again… I want to die. Sedation can end her emotional anguish, but deprive us of last words.

When I walked into Vic’s room after Sr Siza left Vic said “I just saw Dries. He came to visit. I have thought of him the whole day….”

Dries is a dear family friend who died last year…

In the evening Judy (Dries’ widow) popped around for a visit. When I told her that Vic had seen Dries she burst into tears. She said, her sister Lida, a deeply religious woman, told her earlier in the day that she had dreamt of Dries and that Dries was going to come and “fetch” Vic…

I pointed out to Judy that Dries, who was a tour guide by profession, would take Vic on the scenic route…

We laughed.

Later in the evening Bella, one of the ministers in my Church, and James, the senior elder, came to visit. Bella, a dear friend over the years, spoke to the boys with so much compassion. He grew up in a home with a mother who was ill. He said that the congregation has never stopped praying for us as a family. He said the congregation carries us in their hearts. (One day I will still blog about Bella and his amazing ability to “pray Vic out of the claws of death”…)

We all stood holding hands around Vic’s bed whilst Bella said a beautiful prayer for Vic and the family. Someone stifled a little sob. There was absolute peace and a Godly presence in Vic’s room.

Rest in peace dear friend https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/07/rest-in-peace-dear-friend-7-8-2012/

For some dying is hard work https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/

“Sisters by Heart”

Vic lost the Christmas gift she bought Esther. It is not the first time this has happened – Vic previously bought Esther a “Sister” fridge magnet and mislaid it somewhere…

Vic has spent a lot of time sorting out some last things – double checking her insurance policies, photo albums, writing cards for the boys to be read on the first Christmas, first anniversary, final school exam… She has been going tick, tick, tick…Oops Outstanding item: Esther’s gift!

I have searched the house and not found the sentimental nick-nacks Vic bought Esther for Christmas. I have driven around and looked for replacement gifts, but to no avail. So yesterday Vic said to Esther “Sis, I have to replace your Christmas gift… I cannot move on before I do that…Mommy is taking me to Eastgate tomorrow. I know I will find it there.”

Esther, who has a superb sense of humour, said “I won’t let you die before I get my present…What time are we leaving tomorrow?”

Early this morning Vic was dressed and ready for the excursion. At about 11am we set off shopping (after a hefty pain and nausea injection…) At the second shop we struck gold! (I actually found the gift she was looking for.) Vic had the salesperson wrap it with Christmas gift wrap. She is a stickler for “attention to detail”

Mission accomplished we went to a restaurant for lunch. As usual Vic agonised over the menu. She wanted a salmon dish with cream cheese – No salmon…. Arghhh! She settled for a sandwich and coffee.

The gift Vic bought was a Willow Tree figurine set of two girls holding hands. “Just like we lay and chatted last night Sis…”

Sisters by Heart

Celebrating a treasured friendship of sharing and understanding

“I’m very close to my sisters, and the friendship and support of other women has always enriched my life. I also realize that there are friends or other relatives that may not be blood sisters, but share this same type of closeness.”

Vic and Esther are step sisters. There is no blood bond, but they are bound by their deep love for one another. Esther has been an absolute pillar of strength to Vic and the rest of the family. Daily Esther sends Vic beautiful text messages. She brings Vic flowers from her garden. She lies next to Vic and listens to her babbling. Esther is the sister Vic never had.

Needless to say, Vic did not handle her lunch well and after a visit to the toilet we left. I could see her heart beating like crazy in her neck. People looked at us as far as we walked. I realized with a shock that it is because Vic obviously looks ill and shuffles like an old person. I look at her and I only see a beautiful young woman; my baby girl and the mother of my grandsons.

Vic is having a strange day… Her blood pressure is all over; her heart races and then slows down.

“Something is wrong mommy.”

This evening Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers. “Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible”

Vic asked that I get her minister to come and administer Holy Communion to her this week.

The whole situation is so surreal. I find it impossible to believe that Vic may actually be dying. She is so beautiful and her mind is crystal clear! I think Vic is just caught up in the Hospice talk. Maybe I am in denial. She has not vomited blood for two days. That is a good sign. Google says her heart rate can go up to 250 and Vic’s HR is only at 120 and occasionally at 155.

Oh dear God please grant my child peace. Please grant us all peace.

Celebrating a treasured friendship of sharing and understanding

Sweet 16

On the 26th of December 1996 Jared Colin Sadie was born. He was a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I cried with joy when I first saw him and that first “rush of love” hit me.

Vic fell pregnant 6 weeks after she got married. When the kids asked us whether they could get married I had a LONG talk to them about NOT having babies. They both said “We know…” I explained the dangers of passing the Osteogenesis gene onto a next generation of innocent children.

I will never forget that dreadful Sunday night when they told us that Vic was pregnant. My heart stopped. I sobbed in the shower. For the first time in her life I feared for Vic’s life.

Vicky refused flat out to have an abortion. She said the baby a gift from God. And so he was….

Jared is an amazing young man. According to our government he is now old enough to vote, get his learners licence for a motor bike and work… I look at him and I see a little boy who was going to be a stuntman; a young child helping his Mommy cook; get out of bed; walk down stairs…

Both Jared and Jon-Daniel are loving, compassionate monuments of Vic love and mothering.

Jared is a “computer nerd” with a wonderful personality. He has a keen sense of humour and wise beyond his years. He is fiercely protective of his mother. A very dear Saudi friend of mine says Jared has a “white heart”. (Albak Abyad” an Egyptian expression that indicates a person with a good heart. It’s literal translation to English is “You have a white heart” as opposed to being a bad person with a black heart).

Vic, once again, managed to get out of bed. She was falling asleep in her chair, but managed to visit with most of the guests who came, ate something and left. Laughter and joy reverberated through the house. Vic was the proud mother. It was a happy home for the day…

The boys have a hard time coming to terms with the stage that Vic’s illness is at. Jared’s first words when he comes back into the house after Siza leaves is “What did Hospice say?”. He researches every symptom and sends me links on liver and renal failure. He is an expert on Osteogenesis Imperfecta and was 9 years old when he spoke about his Mommy at a Public Speaking lesson at school. The subject was “My Hero“. We all expected him to speak of Nelson Mandela, but he chose to speak about his Mom. (His brother followed suit two years later)

He said that his mom is his hero because despite the fact that she is so ill she still looks after them…

Jared and his Mommy

Jared had a wonderful 16th birthday. He was absolutely thrilled with the Docking Station Vic had bought for him. As soon as he gets his license we will buy him a motorbike.

She ain't heavy - she is my mother — She ain’t heavy – she is my mother

Yesterday was a milestone in Vic’s life. I fear it may be the last she will reach. It is clear that Italy will not be possible.

I was so tired last night that I slept through Vic’s 23:31 and 03:00 “Vomiting” text messages…. Vic refuses to use the intercom! She feels it is “disrespectful”.

As much as Vic resents the fact I may have to bring in a night nurse.

I remember Vic’s 16th as if it was yesterday. Now she is a grown woman with two teenage sons – nearing the end of her tenure on earth

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/27/kidney-stones-on-the-move/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/10/i-am-taking-a-break-from-your-blog/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/07/chronic-illness-versus-terminal-illness/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/28/22-2-2002-to-28-5-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/09/9-6-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/16/and-the-winner-is/

I don’t want to die

Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

“I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried

“Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence

“I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied

“Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said

We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…

“Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried

My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said

“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said

“I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said

“Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears

“I am scared Mommy…”

“I am scared too Vic…”

Another birthday…..

Yesterday I celebrated (another) birthday.

Late Saturday night Vic’s restlessness was indicative that she was determined to be the first to wish me. At 11.30 pm she came through and said “another half hour….. I want to be the first to wish you Mommy. I just want 30 minutes alone with you on your birthday…”

“No problem angel. I’ll switch the kettle on.” I said

“I will be back in a minute” she said

I made coffee and checked some e-mails. At 12:00pm I expected her to come through singing “Happy Birthday” but no Vicky….

I went through to her room and the poor baby had fallen asleep on her bed…

Jon-Daniel came through and brought me a cup of tea on a tray, with a gift and card and a rose! “Happy birthday Oumie” he said.

He had bought a book I have wanted to read for a while “The Elephant Whisperer” – It is an inspiring, true life drama of a herd of wild African elephants on an African game reserve. The herd is destined to be shot for dangerous behaviour when this special human being, Anthony, intervenes to try to save their lives. I was so thrilled that he remembered.

Just before 01:00 am Vic shuffled into my TV lounge.

“Oh Mommy, I am so sorry I fell asleep. I thought I would just close my eyes for 5 minutes whilst you make the coffee…”

We sat and chatted for a while. Vic shared her good wishes with me and we just sat and spoke. We spoke about our very special mother-daughter relationship. We spoke about years gone by and how blessed we are to have this time together. (I cannot imagine Vic married and living in someone else’s home on her final journey.)

The girls, Esther and Lani, arrived at 10:00am with gifts, a cooked meal, dessert and cake. The grandchildren set the table… My sister Lorraine and dear friend Judy arrived bearing armloads of gifts. The grandchildren had written me letters and cards – it was so special. Vic bravely cooked a pot of rice and had lunch with the family. All the grandchildren swam and played tug-a-war! We laughed and joked.

It was a perfect day.

Esther and Lani planned the day to start early whilst Vic is at her best. As the day progresses so her energy levels decrease. Immediately after lunch Vic went to bed. She was in so much pain and absolutely exhausted.

All the grandchildren wanted to stay.

Sunday evening we Skyped my son and his family in the UK. Vic and Danie spoke. Vic and Danie Jnr have a special bond.

Twenty two years ago I married Danie Sr and his four children; Esther 23, Lani 18, Liza 16 and Danie 11… Danie married me and one, sick, very protected, spoilt brat, Vicky, aged 16. Vic and Danie Jnr were the two kids who lived with us. Vic embraced her new family. (I was petrified of the children!)

Vic’s siblings have been amazing over the years. I could never have coped as well as I do if it was not for their love, support and encouragement. The siblings are fiercely protective of their little sister.

Vic and Danie Jnr spoke for at least 10 minutes last night. It was a sad conversation between a brother and his older, little sister.

“I miss you so much Little Brother” Vic said

“I miss you too Vic. How are you feeling?” Jnr asked

“I am battling Boetie (Little Brother) Vic said

“We are coming to visit in April then I will see you Vic”

“I don’t know if I am going to make it to April” Vic said

“Just hang in there Vic. It is not that long to April…” Jnr consoled her

“I know but I am tired. I am just missing you” Vic cried

“I will fly over for a weekend. I want to see you again” Danie promised

Vic was so tired last night. Her little body cannot handle parties anymore. She tries so hard. This weekend we will have Jared’s 16^th birthday. It is only his birthday on the 26^th but most of his friends are away for Christmas so we have his friend party an early in December.

I know this will more than likely be another last for Vic.

One bloody tear

Photo courtesy of http://500px.com/photo/5192248

Thirteen years ago Vic’s dad was involved in a bad car accident. He was airlifted to a hospital with an excellent trauma unit.

When Vic and I arrived at the hospital we were greeted by a trauma councillor. He explained that Tienie was being stabilized but that the situation was grave…. It was terrible seeing Tienie lie in the ICU ventilated, swollen, battered and bruised.

The news was not good. Tienie would be a quadriplegic if he survived….

Tienie was one of the most vibrant, energetic party animals I ever knew. We were childhood sweethearts. We started dating when I was 13.5 years old. I have photos of us dancing at his 16^th birthday party. We got married very young. We got divorced very young. We remained friends and business partners until his death. Tienie was an accountant by profession and hated every second of it. He turned to property development and went from one cash flow crisis to the next. He was one of the most intelligent people I ever met but also one of the stupidest!

Tienie was a giver… He would give away the clothes off his back. He hated sleeping. He said it was a waste of time. Tienie never cried… he mourned Vic OI diagnosis in a different way. Some men love cars…Tienie loved women. He was a loyal friend. He was the world’s friend. Everybody loved Tienie.

The day after the accident I had some time alone with him. I spoke to him and told him that I had forgiven him for cheating on me and finally leaving me. Standing next to his bed I realized for the first time that I had also caused him a lot of pain!! I asked him to forgive me.

I also told him that I knew he was worried about his situation at that moment in time. All he had to do was pray to God and ask him for forgiveness. I held his hand and prayed for him.

A single bloody tear ran down his cheek. I knew he had heard me and that all was okay….

The machines went crazy and I was asked to leave. I knew Tienie was gone as I walked out of the ICU….

Six days later Vic signed the consent forms for the machines to be switched off. She also signed the consent for Tienie’s organs to be donated. That is what he would have wanted.

Tienie was buried on his birthday, the 10^th of November 1999

Thirteen years later my child still mourns her father.

I know that when the time comes Tienie will be there to take Vic’s hand to lead her towards the light….

When A Daughter Cries

when a mother cries
her tears stab at her daughter’s heart
as they plummet to the floor

when a mother cries
he daughter cries too
because her heroine is wounded and she doesn’t know how or why
she cries because she cannot rid her mother of the pain
she cries most of all because she loves her mother

when a daughter cries because her mother cries,
her mother cries more
because her weakness has hurt her child
she cries because it hurts to know she’s the cause of her daughter’s tears.
she cries most of all because she loves her daughter

once the tears have ceased however
love remains
the love forever shared between a mother and her daughter

Portia Lane http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-daughter-cries/

“I am sorry Mommy!”

Vicky constantly says “sorry Mommy.” She says “sorry Mommy” when she vomits, when she is in pain, when she is ill…

Then there is a flood of “thank you’s”….. Vic says “thank you” all the time! It drives me mad! I don’t want her to apologize for being ill and I don’t want her to continuously thank me.

Vic’s situation, our situation as a family, is unfair, arbitrary, frustrating and so sad. Vic is blameless, helpless, a victim of poor sick genes and doctor error.

I know that Vic is sad about her situation. I know that Vic is sad for what the family is going through. She is sad because she cannot be the mother she wants to be. She is sad that she has a lonely, sad life devoid of partner love, physical love and friendships not based on pity. She sad because she does not have a social life and neither do we as a family. Vic is sad that she is dying in the prime of her life. Vic is sad that she has achieved so little in her life (by her standards only).

We no longer have lunches with friends, outings or holidays. Life has ground to a slow, agonizing halt… Vic floats from one pain filled day in bed to the next. When she has a good and busy day, like yesterday, she pays the price for weeks. Vic has not been out of bed today. She is deadly pale and drawn.

It is hard for her not having privacy. Vic is embarrassed that I hold her hair or wipe her face when she is vomiting. Yet she needs me with her….

We are however in this together as a family. It is a rough journey for everyone.

“I am so sorry Mommy…” …it echoes through my heart.

“I love you my angel” I whisper….

Thank you for memories

Jon-Daniel has had the best birthday ever! Yesterday he left school early for extra time with his Mom, we had a fun family lunch and then there was a cake and tea last night at his Dad’s.

Today it was his birthday party and Vic was well enough to enjoy it! It was a glorious summer day; the pool was a sparkling blue, the trees and grass a vivid green…. The sun shone and sparkled on Vic’s hair as she stood watching the children play.

Vic helped laying out the table, she bought helium balloons, she refused to sit or lie down. She insisted on carrying Jon-Daniels birthday cake! She started the singing. She laughed and glowed with pride. For a single day Vic looked just like a normal, healthy Mommy. I could hear her heart crying…. “this is the last birthday I will have with my son”

I thank God for a glorious day and memories. I thank God for granting Vic the joy of celebrating her baby boy’s 14^th birthday.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: